Help with letter to birth father

I stand by my statement that I don't want a relationship with someone in prison that I do not know before they went in prison. If it was a relative or a friend I loved, that would be different, but not a stranger I don't know. I send letters to him about his daughter and I make sure FD sends photos, Christmas cards, father's day cards, birthday cards, etc. I make sure that his daughter has a relationship with his parents who really aren't very nice people. I keep them informed of all school activities, invite them to birthday parties, her performances, etc. Her father can write her whenever she wants and I pay the collect phone calls on my telephone when he calls. This is not cheap. But sorry I don't want a personal relationship with someone who stabbed his own father and left him for dead. He has my address because he sends letters and my phone number because he calls. Yes he was on drugs when he stabbed his own father 27 times while he was robbing his own father but I've heard that he was not a nice person when he went away so why would I want to let him know about my personal life? I am one of the most compassionate people I know. Personally I think that taking in his daughter when even his own family would not take her is the most compassionate thing I could do for him. FD's mother and grandmother are drug addicts, in and out of jail, doing all kinds of illegal things. FD is on the honor roll in spite of a learning disability. I have told FD that I will take her to see her biodad in prison if she wants but she has not pursued the matter. I have to be the one to tell her to write him and send cards, but why would I want a personal relationship with this man? You can if you want, but I think that I am being compassionate by having her keep a relationship with him, by letting him know how she's doing in school, etc., but there is no way I want a prisoner sending me a lot of letters, esp. since I am a single woman. He can send them to his kid.

I stand by my statement that I don't want a relationship with someone in prison that I do not know before they went in prison. Her father can write her whenever she wants and I pay the collect phone calls on my telephone when he calls. This is not cheap. But sorry I don't want a personal relationship with someone who stabbed his own father and left him for dead. He has my address because he sends letters and my phone number because he calls.

Not so. Ca-bigsister said, "I do not want to have a relationship with any one in prison." Period, the end. I think that may be too hasty a response.

Your mileage may vary. But in the seven years I've been involved in foster care, I have never once heard of a birthparent showing up at a foster parent's house without an invitation. My name and address were in the phone book for years, and nobody ever came by or called. My son's social workers all had their names and addresses in the telephone book---nobody ever came over or called.

The kind of behavior you're talking about takes a lot of foresight and planning. The imprisoned bp would have to find the aparents' address (how, with no internet in prison?), save it or memorize it, and then somehow think of giving that up (for what reason?) when pressured by another inmate. And what other inmate is going to believe that the new parents of the kid the prisoner lost to DSS is going to somehow pay for the bparent's cigarettes?

But we're not even talking about giving somebody in prison your home address or phone number. We're talking about sending letters and photos via a PO box, and possibly taking calls to a cellphone. What's the harm in that?

Yes, actually, I have communicated with somebody in prison---my son's bdad. Of course I'm aware that there are illegal drugs in prison. (Do you think I am in idiot?). I'm also aware that many people in prison have extensive mental health and social relations problems. However, I'm objecting to the idea that foster parents have to necessarily fear any bparent in prison. I do not think that we should be paranoid about them showing up at our homes and assaulting us. I do not think that there is any reason to totally cut off contact because somebody is in prison---after all, statistically speaking, the person is most likely to be there because he's an addict, not because he's committed a violent crime. Yes, it's sensible to take precautions and to move slowly to open things up. But my advice has been---and still is---to try not to judge bparents in advance. We don't know what their issues are upfront, and we don't know what kinds of risks they do or don't present. I think very few of them actually present any real danger. So while it's prudent to move slowly, there's no reason not to begin by allowing limited openness. The likelihood that a birthparent will do any kind of harm to you or your family is extremely, extremely small.

I'm not slamming you, by any stretch of the imagination. Nor am I suggesting you be this guy's new best friend. But it sounds to me like you DO have a relationship with him. Cards and letters are going back and forth. There are calls. You've taken the time to find out what his crimes were, you've determined that they were violent, and you've decided to have a bounded and limited relationship with him. Fine---that's perfectly appropriate. But that's actually a far cry from "You're in prison, so I refuse to communicate with you." My argument was that unless there is a concrete, known threat, fost/adopt parents should at least keep an open mind about some form of communication with birth parents. Sounds like that is what you're doing, actually.

Kim, So no, unless there are prisons that are radically different than the three I've been in, I do not believe that inmates can just go Googling whatever they want.

You keep insisting that they have committed some sort of violent crime, and I am telling you that official statistics say that more than half of them have NOT committed a violent crime. I'm not sure how to say that any more clearly: most prisoners have NOT committed violent crimes.

I think it is prudent to be cautious and to move slowly. But that is really different from deciding that you'll never, ever have any contact beyond letters before you've even heard two words from the person. Why not leave it at letters now, start slowly, and see how things progress? People change. Time passes. What is true now might not be true in five years. So why slam those doors in a first letter?

By the way, I do read these responses. Very attentively. Your constant assertion that I don't is both rude and patronizing. Could you stop it, please?

I'm done with this thread. Thanks.

I'm done with this thread. Thanks.