Open Adoption Support Thread - All Triad is Welcome!!

We had a VISIT!!! :) I'm still a tad excited from last night! :) S did great, they had a wonderful time, and I never quite take enough pictures to capture it all!

Sorry I didn't see this sooner....Sounds like the visit went great....beautiful to see the kidlets together isn't it?

haven't to the forums in ages!!!Had a visit with Supergirl in August. She asked and it worked out perfectly since I was flying out of town the next day to visit a former flame that I had been talking to for awhile. However, with that being said ~~ still waiting on amom to respond to my email asking for photos from that visit since Supergirl wanted photos this time

I am the adoptive mother of a 9 month old little girl. Her mother parented for 2.5 months before placing her with us through an agency. We are in an "open adoption" with visits through the agency 2 times per year, but have exchanged email addresses and begun to exchange short emails. I want a relationship with my daughter's birth mother but am confused about how much I want and how to proceed. I am not sure what her birthmother is thinking - what kind of relationship she would like or if she even knows where she sees things going. I have some limits that I would not be comfortable with - like, having her come to our house. Of course, that could change over time, but I don't want to mislead her. Also, my husband is more reserved about reaching out beyond the agreed upon 2 visits. Any advice on how to proceed is appreciated?

Wow - I haven't been on this thread in ages. It used to be one of my favorites - I received so much support on here for a very long time. Hi Katie! I have two boys, ages 9 and 11. We have OA's with all 4 parents, all to varying degrees. You and your husband sound like my husband and I in the beginning - I was more open but still cautious, he was a "stick with what we are doing" kind of guy. I say start out small and if your relationship develops and strengthens, then open it up a bit more at a time. With one of our OA's, we opened up too quickly, lines were crossed and communication broke down. It became a mess and took YEARS to straighten out. I wish I would have gone slowly. Fortunately it is better now. With our other OA's we took our time. We did our limited number of visits with emails or texts in between. In the example of my youngest son's bmom (which is by far our most open relationship), there was a very large age difference between us...she was EXTREMELY RESERVED, and we didn't have much in common, so because of that so things were kind of awkward...what I would do was work random questions into the conversations - she'd mention an amusement park she liked at one time so I'd ask her all about that. Ask about her interest in a, b, or c. Eventually, we came to see that we DID have things in common. It literally took us about 4 years to reach that place. Four years of meeting at parks, Chuck E Cheese, etc. But one day it hit me that in the time we were hovering uncomfortably over our kid on the slide at a neighborhood park, we forged a relationship that was strong, and went BEYOND our son. We became friends. Now, here we are, 9 years in. She comes to almost all of our son's sporting events, my family and friends know her...my son's friends know her. They've taken him to family get togethers on their own. I've gone to her baby shower for my son's little brother, who I love more than life because he looks like a mini me to my son. Are my relationships with the other bparents as open? No...but that's ok - we put in the work and it paid off. Bottom line is, it's all about the comfort level and RECOGNIZING when and if you're comfortable to move on to a greater step. When JD was still a baby and the adoption hadn't yet been finalized, his bmom and bgrandma asked if there would ever be a time when I could see them being allowed to take him somewhere on their own. I almost said "Sure" but that wouldn't have been truthful. And it wasn't that I was "deceiving" them - it was an in the moment response. But I guess all that agency training kicked in where they told us not to make empty promises or offer things we weren't willing to follow through on and I told them that it wasn't something I could promise at that time. So you were right in saying you don't want to promise them things you're not comfortable with - that could end up causing all sorts of problems with your relationship and in my opinion, that's what leads to the closing of OA's - it almost lead to the closing of one of ours. Anyway, like I said - that's just our relationship with her - that absolute level just isn't there with the others, whether it's because we don't hear from them often enough to build that level of openness, because the comfort level just isnt' there, or because there are things in their lives that, for the emotional/physical wellbeing of my kids, I need to keep them away from. So if you've made it through this rambling, unorganized novel, even though all 4 of our OA's are different, I wouldn't deem one more successful than the next. I feel they're all successful because we are doing what is most comfortable for us, and bottom line what is best for our kids...and we are doing it OUR way - not how the books, or the experts, or even people on these boards dictate. Good luck - take your time. The journey is tough, but the rewards are many!

I haven't been around a.com in forever, but this thread is one that I always appreciated and have missed. Katie, I hope you did make it through Love's post because much of what she said I think is really important - taking things slow, not promising more than you are comfortable with, being honest about it all but also finding a way to set boundaries that everyone can live with. Open Adoption isn't easy at all, but so completely worth it. I come at this from the perspective of a bmom - my son is 2.5 years old and I have seen him basically every 4-8 weeks since he was born. His Dads upload pictures a few times a year (and when they do they upload like 100 shots from vacations and outings), and will text one off pictures once every month or two. They send updates when they email, but that is usually just to set up a visit, honestly we do most of our communication in person. 7 months into our open adoption they invited me to their house to attend their family tree trimming (all extended family was invited). Since them about half our visits have been at their house or we have me at their house and gone someplace else. They have never been to my house because its not a very good place to host people at (small, kind of crappy and definitely not kid friendly), but they do have my address and send thank cards or Christmas cards to me - we have had email addresses, phone numbers, and full names since the beginning. Aside from the first match meeting which happened at the agency when I was pregnant, none of our communication has gone through the agency - I found the idea of having a go between complicated things immensely for us. Here are a couple things I would want all aparents to know when entering into an open adoption from my perspective. - Being promised something and having it taken away (more visits, updates, pictures) for any reason is heartbreaking. Making it clear that you will keep your promises and don't over-promise because it causes a lot of extra grief and loss for bparents. In the same way also making sure your child's bmom know you expect the same from her - especially as your daughter gets older and understands more its important on both sides that you don't promise more than you are capable of. - Aparents really have the power in this relationship. As a bmom I'm constantly aware of that, it makes me extremely gun shy to ask for more - more visits, more updates, more time, whatever. I don't want to push on anything and rather sort of wait for them to bring things up. I suggest to keep that in mind, and maybe even push yourself a little. In the back of my head I always know that these people control not only my seeing my son, but also the way my son grows up hearing about me. I would never have suggested meeting at their house (or asked for their address) if they hadn't offered. I wouldn't have asked to meet their extended family if I hadn't been invited to an event with them, and I wouldn't have assumed I would be allowed to see my son around his birthday if they hadn't invited me to his party. I think its important that aparents keep that in mind because otherwise you might get stalled at a point in the relationship because the bparents don't feel comfortable to ask for different. My son's Dad asks me pretty regularly how I feel about the relationship and what I would change and I'm really grateful that he opens up that door. - We (birth parents) are just people who care about our kids. I remember hearing an adoptive mom (whose son is 21) talking about her son's open adoption - she went to church when her son was a baby and was surrounded by all these friends who were fawning over her son and asking to babysit and she realized at that moment that these women who she only knew from church had more access to her son than her son's other Mother. It was then she started having regular visits which they maintained his whole life. I know for me I just want to know my son and his family and I want them to know me. I think most birth parents looking for openness want just that. And although it can be a complicated relationship, I think sometimes people lose perspective about how little it actually is. I see my son a couple hours every two months - there are probably 100 people in his life that have more of a relationship with him than I do and yet I doubt even four or five of the people with more access to him than me think about him and love him as much as me. Anyways, I hope you find a way to successful navigate what can be a hard (but totally worth it) road. Sorry for writing such a novel. I guess I have to make up for the fact I haven't posted for so long!

I totally agree with this (hi racilious!:hippie: ) Just like any relationship, you'll "know" when you're ready to take it to the next level...and when you are, then throw it out there, because the other peeps may not feel confident enough to ask. And the comfort level will come from discussing things from the mundane to the important. Even now, all these years later, we talk about our "relationship". We discuss what we'd like to see, what we wish we would have done differently, etc. It's funny how easily it comes up in conversation. With JD's bmom, it was obvious to me when we were ready to move to the next level - we were at JD's baseball game and we were going to get ice cream afterwards. JD said, "Can I drive with C?" and I said yes - then that made me think, "If I'm ok with him driving in her car, then I'm certainly ok with her taking him places." And we moved on like that. We are in a unique position that our kids are quickly moving to the tween/teen age bracket and will, in a very short amount of time, take the reigns in the relationship. My kids will soon have their own electronics, which means they will be communicating with their bparents on their own without our assistance. I think we've done a pretty good job with all 4 relationships and I feel very confident that at some time in the very near future, my kids will be able to take over where we will be leaving off (though I fully believe that my husband and I will still be a part of the relationships because we have all truly come to love and respect one another). **Side note - I apologize if the last two posts were rambling and didn't make much sense. I've been hopped up on cough meds the last week! UGH!

I appreciate the replies and read every word - twice. I think mostly I need to know what other people did and how. My agency was all about open adoption and now is like just stick to the 2 visits a year for now, so it is very confusing because I guess I expected more guidance. I already am emailing and I really don't think I am ready for more than email but I think maybe not doing more is hurting the relationship already. Agghh! Maybe I need to just not think so much. Anyway, thank you so much for the replies. I am sure I will come back and read them again...and again. Katie

If you need any support, just feel free to PM me. And remember - you're not even 7 months in. It took me 6 years to get the hang of it and another 5 for it to feel "right", and even now it's work! Our agency basically did what yours did - touted OA, and then once the match happened, left us to our own devices. I basically winged it, came here and read what others did, and then figured out what worked best for US. If all else fails, you can always tell Bmom how you're feeling or ask how SHE feels things are going. You're going to do great - this is not for the faint of heart...but mostly, it takes time to make something that is so NOT the norm feel normal.

racilious - I just wanted to say what a beautiful post and perspective.:flower: Might be something to repost in the Adoptive parent section.......something beautiful for every Aparent to read SM

Glad to see some more posts here! We've had three or four more visits since my last post, and they've all gone really well. I really like Peanut's first mom and I always have fun spending time with her at our visits. She got a job with crazy work hours, so she's had to cancel the last three visits we had scheduled, so wehavent seen her ince Halloween. I worried that maybe she was pulling back, but then I'll hear from her and it really seems like work is just crazy for her. I'm surprised at how disappointed I am when a visit is cancelled. At first, DH and I were looking for a letter/photo semi-open situation only. We really liked her when we met her and felt comfortable with visits, so agreed to them. I guess I sort of looked at it like something that just came along with adoption, and something I was willing to do because I believe it's best for my son. I didn't realize how quickly it would become more than just something that IS but turn into something that I WANT for him and for our family. We don't see her nearly as much as Racilious sees her child, but it definitely feels like something is missing when we go for a long stretch without a visit. Racilious, I love you're posts. I've learned a lot from you. Thank you.

Thanks for the love guys, I kind of shied away from the forums and spent more time on my blog and twitter over the last year or so, but I would love to see this thread stay current! I miss hearing how everyone is doing. I'm actually supposed to have a visit on Sunday, which I'm excited about. I haven't seen them since early December and the last three visits have included other relatives so I'm SO looking forward to one with just the four of us. I will say that I'm waiting to hear back from them with specific plans, and I'm a little nervous that I'm still waiting to hear back, but I'm sure I'll hear from them today. I may be wrong but it seems like your son is about a year younger than mine, so he's about 2? I would say that between my son's first and second birthday I had a really hard time with visits. My son was super in the "only being held by Daddy" mode and there were days where I wondered why I was bothering since he wouldn't remember the visits anyway. He didn't want to be in pictures with me, I would hold him for two seconds and he would squirm away, and I had to constantly ask his Dads what he was saying since I couldn't easily understand him. Sometime after his second birthday when he started saying my name, talking to me directly about his life without prompting, and acting excited about seeing me, well it suddenly seemed like visits were not just conceptually important but actually makes his life better today. I am sure in your case, your son's bmom is busy and juggling a crazy work schedule (I have one of those too so I know how it can be), but some of it also might be that if he's at a hard age for visits, she may pulling away because of that. For me that pulling away was a completely temporary thing, I still wanted openness and was totally expecting to stick around for the long haul, but I admit I was pretty anxiously waiting for him to get a little older and things to get a little easier.

Yes! In fact, he JUST turned two on Monday. We've been giving her space...still posting/sending photos and updates and scheduling a visit any time she asks for one-but not pressuring her to meet us...totally makes sense about the getting older thing. I'll admit that the one thing I worry about visits is that he will be shy with her and it will hurt her feelings. He squirms away from her, but she also sees that he squirms away from all of us...since he became mobile, holding him is a thing of the past! I hope you have a great visit Sunday...we're supposed to have one the next weekend. Take care!

Been awhile for me posting as well. I've enjoyed reading how relationships are growing :banana: As for DD and I..........she has invited me to come visit for her 19th birthday :happydance: How amazing is that? DD is in the process of deciding on a University for September. Super excited for her :cheer: This visit is sitting different with me than the others have been. It's kinda wierd to say that since this is only our third face-to-face. But I do feel different about it and in a good way! I'm sure it's because DD asked me to come. Knowing that she wants me there for her 19th birthday touches me so deeply, right to my core! Since we reunited f2f in 2008 (4 days) we've snet many, many emails, photos, another visit (5 days) hundreds of phone calls, Skype. I guess I can say, I feel solid in this relationship. That "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling is gone now. Can't pinpoint when that feeling ended.....perhaps it will return :fish: For now, I'm enjoying it! Got my plane ticket hanging off my mirror :happydance: I hope your realationships continue to be nourished and grow!!

I need to find a way to not let worry over our relationship with my daughter's birth mother consume me. Or do I?