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I have posted this over on the birthparent group, but I thought that maybe I would post it here too in hopes of some adoptee input...
Where I last left off with my reunion (or lack thereof) was when my "placed" daughter had a hissy fit, not only with me but with my "raised daughter as well.
She told me that she wanted nothing more to do with me, called my lots of names, told my other daughter to leave her alone and to get out of her life, and so on and so on.
Well...
This past Tuesday out the blue she sent me a text message stating that she was sorry and was wondering if we could start over?
Start over how? Where in the world did all this come from? Better yet why? 3 days ago I was told that finding me was the biggest mistake of her life, that she hated my other children for having what she always wanted but never had. Now she just wants to start all over as if it never happened!
Here is my problem...I just can't pretend that those things didnt happen. I can't just pick up on this reunion without some answers to why she treated me and my other daughter the way she did. There has been no apology, no explaination, NOTHING!!! Just please can we start over?
How does a person do that after they have been hurt so badly by the very person asking them to just start over? I could start over if she would talk about what caused her behavior, or even if she apologized. If she would just open the convo up so that I could tell her that behavior will NEVER be tolerated again. But everytime I try to talk to her about it I hear...We are starting over, remember?
Am I crazy to expect an apology and/or an explaination? Would she just forgive and forget with either of those things? Is is just assumed that b/c I want her in my life she just expects me to be able to do that? What is the deal here? How do I tell her that for as much as I just want to forgive and forget and start over I can't?
Also let me just say this...I am very afraid to trust it, especially this soon after her meltdown. I just can't help but wonder...am I dealing with a curve ball that curved in the direction that benefits me being a part of her life or am I dealing with a boomerang that is going to come back and smack me in the face with a whole lot of get out of my life? Which is it?
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Cas posted:Here is my problem...I just can't pretend that those things didnt happen. I can't just pick up on this reunion without some answers to why she treated me and my other daughter the way she did. There has been no apology, no explaination, NOTHING!!! Just please can we start over?
Girlfriend, you know I'm dealing with this very same thing in my own reunion. That is the most troubling aspect of it for me. I find myself constantly "on guard" with Jessica because her tirades both begin and end without warning. When she gets tired of the calm she erupts and when she gets tired of dealing with her self imposed exile she calls, drops in or sends an e-mail.
Last week my therapist says Jess has been so hurt by people who claim to love her in the past that she expects me to do the same so she hurts me first. :hissy: It is very frustrating b/c I don't want to hurt her at all, I just want to love her and help her accept my love and someday maybe learn to love me in return.
I don't have any answers but you know my thoughts and prayers are with you and *J* too.
I have let my guard down today and asked her to stop by and cut my hair tonight. She really has a natural talent for styling hair and I'm trusting her a lot. I haven't seen her but my d/h and twins say she was at church today. I'm still home with the baby so I missed it. I'll e-mail you later and I hope Jackie responds to your post; she is soooo insightful. Love Ya' Sis Tracy:love:
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Could it be part of the grieving process that RU can sometimes bring about? After the initial excitement sets in, there's Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Maybe she was in the anger stage, has worked through it, and now is back on her path to acceptance. I think it's wise to set boundaries in any relationship one has. It's not living in the past to set boundaries, it's establishing future acceptable behaviors.
i can only speak for myself as a birthmother. the week after reunion i went on one of the most painful roller coaster rides of my life. i felt grief, rage, sorrow, regret, fear, hope, resentment, sadness, numb, etc...and then as soon as i ran through the list it started all over again.
i am 40. if i had been a teenager, or young adult, i may have actually expressed all these feelings to the parties involved. because i am experienced in life and have a somewhat mature outlook, i was able to process these feelings on the boards and with my therapist and alone with my poor confused cat. had i indeed been impulsive and shared all my feelings with them, i am sure i would have hurt/offended/blamed/raged at them in some way.
this does not excuse her behavior. it sounds like she sent you a note that did apologies, however. taking the first step is the hardest, and if she apologized to you i would hope that did in fact mean she is sorry.
as far as starting over, i think it is important to distinguish between FORGIVENESS and FORGETTING. this would be a good conversation to have with your bdaughter. you can say, i can forgive you (if you can) but i can not just forget what happened. my feelings and my other children's feelings were hurt by what happened, and we all need some time to get over it. it is generally impossible for anyone in life to forget an extremely painful incident, but it is possible to empathize, and with compassion forgiveness is possible.
whatever you decide to do, take your time. i won't make any kind of permanent decision now, not even a haircut. within the last few weeks i have considered such "off the wall" activities as complete body plastic surgery, getting pregnant, ending contact, and suing my agency. i will wait until i am calmer to revisit any of these ideas, as i'm sure some of them will seem ridiculous once i have calmed down.
best of luck to you, hope my opinion and experience is helpful.
I'd be careful. If I remember your reunion correctly, she was pretty manipulative, and manipulative folks are experts at "starting over". Of course, I don't mean to write her off, but you do have every right to an explanation, an apology, and to set boundaries to make sure she doesn't go after your raised children again. (or you) I'd go with baby steps. I've read here again, and again how slow reunions tend to be the most successful. Use that as an excuse if you must. Good luck!
All I hear, as a 43 yr old female adoptee that wants contact with her birth mother very badly, is that your "placed" daughter wants to START OVER......
Unfortunately none of us here can start over, can we? It's the sad reality and why we all hurt so much. Those words are very powerful to me, I think them, but I don't say them out loud, nor would I scream them at people, I know better than that. Bu the little bitty hurt girl wants to stomp and screma "That's not fair, DO OVERERS!"
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Good point, white elephant. I am always willing to maintain and build relationships so I would be open to a relationship in your case. However, starting over is not possible. It will always be starting again. You need to let her know that you were very hurt by the things she said; that her words have damaged your ability to trust what she says and does. Always remember, YOU are the adult and the more mature person. You need to model the behavior you want her to exhibit. I wish you well.
I have no idea how I posted something and then erased it, I think I was messing around with the editing thing. Anyway, glad you liked the point, whatever it was I wrote. I wrote a whole bunch of stuff then thought it was TOO much so I deleted it I think! That's what you get with a newbie screwing around with the buttons!
OOOPS. LOL.
I do want to say that I love reading the birth mothers posts and how you all feel about things, since I could possibly meet my bmom someday, I need all the help I can get. :cheer:
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