questions for adoptees

Do you believe your parents should have kept the fact that you were adopted from you? No. I think it is a bad idea to withhold that information. What reasons do you have for searching for your bmom or bdad? Or why you chose not to? I just have no interest in any birth family contact. I neither want it nor need it. It just doesn't matter. Why do you think you should have been told you adopted? What age if any do you find is the best to be told? I've always known I was adopted. DD is 3 years old and she knows, too. Its just part of who we are. Do you feel pain as a result of your adoption and why? I don't feel any pain. I never did.

Do you believe your parents should have kept the fact that you were adopted from you? No for so many reasons, but for parents, consider this one simple aspect of teaching your child honesty...how can you teach your child to be honest if you do not practice honesty with them? Hippocrite comes to mind... What reasons do you have for searching for your bmom or bdad? Or why you chose not to? I just needed to search for them...no other way to descibe it...needed, had to, could not, not search. I passively searched since the day I found the 'personal' category in the newspaper, every birthday after that. I passively searched once the internet came into our lives, registering on databases, searching message boards. I actively searched after my medical events and dx to help my doctors and tell my birth family about my history for there families. Why do you think you should have been told you adopted? What age if any do you find is the best to be told? Self identity...as a child looking at family that all look similar, and then there is you...quite often without any similarity. A child thinks in black and white (not literally) but without maturity, they see they are different, and are only beginning to see the differences that accumulate the older you get... Knowing you are adopted gives a reason you look, act and feel different. Without knowing I was adopted I would have been lost. Being told you are adopted needs to start before you understand the differences, simply part of the past, talked about in all family stories. Genetic identity...this is the key to your future physical quality of life, the road map your doctor desperately needs to guide him/her in your care...the fluid ever changing map of genetic hereditary disorders that fun in families that changes constantly. Do you feel pain as a result of your adoption and why? I truly believe that everything happens for a reason so no, I have no pain as a result of my adoption, it is a natural part of nature to adopt orphans. I have pain as a result of societies views and actions surrounding adoption...dictating moral standards with life sentences of pain and silence for those who 'defied those moral standards' ...dictating the practice of non family adopions with closed records that subject the child to a life of unknown potential harm, all to provide propraganda to feed too society, on how wondeful life is, if you only follow the moral rules society dicates (never mind we dictate that you lie...that's okay the end justifities the lie...NOT). Kind regards,Dickons

Do you believe your parents should have kept the fact that you were adopted from you? No, and they didn't. Honestly, I think it should be shared with the child as soon as she/he is old enough to understand. Thankfully, my aparents told me from early on. I used to ask my mom if she could tell me the 'dopt shop' story! What reasons do you have for searching for your bmom or bdad? Or why you chose not to? Hmm...I haven't searched thus far because I was fortunate enough to have a very stable, loving and supportive childhood. I guess I don't necessarily feel like anything is missing. That being said, I certainly do wonder about my roots! I guess I shy away from all out searching because I'm not sure what my bmom would think. I'm sort of secretly hoping she'll seek me out first so I don't have to worry about the rejection Why do you think you should have been told you adopted? What age if any do you find is the best to be told? Personally, I just feel that sharing this information with your child fosters trust and understanding. I was told from early on, probably before I could even fully comprehend. Do you feel pain as a result of your adoption and why? Yes and no. I maybe feel a slight bit of pain knowing that I was juggled around a teeny bit before I was adopted. Seems sort of sad that I must of left the hospital with a social worker and been dropped off at a foster home for a period of time. I didn't really belong to anyone for the first month and a half of my life. But honestly, my bmom was very clear in her paperwork about why she wanted me to be adopted. She was a young teen, single, and could in no way provide the kind of life she wanted for me. I'm really appreciative of that and respect her decision. And as I mentioned up top, I was fortunate to placed in a loving, stable family where I accumulated fond childhood memories too numerous to even count. I know that not all adoptees have such a great outcome, but it can be a really good thing.

I wanted to thank everyone for answering my questions, and sharing your experiences with me.

I believe that all adoptees should be told they are adopted as early as possible. As you can see from your own experience, it is a shock to find out at a later stage. I can imagine you are questioning what other things weren't told to you honestly in your life. I was told from the first I can remember that I was adopted. It became just another part of me. I HAD to search. (I am reunited.) There was never any question about that. I needed to know my nationality, where my personality traits and quircks came from, who I look like and so much more. I think I did feel a bit of pain over being adopted - not having the answers to my questions for so very long. But now that I am reunited, I can say that that pain has left me. I know that those who are not adopted cannot understand totally what we go through. There are so many wonderful books out there. Maybe your husband would be willing to read more on this? Snuffie

Do you believe your parents should have kept the fact that you were adopted from you? Absolutely not. In this day of "medical genetics", I particularly believe it is dangerous not to have valid information. What reasons do you have for searching for your bmom or bdad? Or why you chose not to? I searched to tell her thank you ... and that she did the right thing. That I'd had a great childhood with parents and family who loved me. I hoped to get information and some conversation. I hit the jackpot and have a relationship with both bparents after 50 years. My new knowledge filled places in me that I didn't even know were empty. My adoption was as closed as it could be - records from adoption agency were burned in 1969 and the home closed. Why do you think you should have been told you adopted? What age if any do you find is the best to be told? I was told while still in the crib. I also loved my adoption story. There was truly never a time that I didn't know that I was specially chosen and that I was loved. Do you feel pain as a result of your adoption and why? No .. for the reasons above. I do feel pain for the pain that bmom went thru as a result of me. I know it isn't my fault and that it is hers to deal with, but I'm still sorry that she had the worst of it. I think it is particulary difficult for men to deal with raw emotions and many times their answer is to just move on. That sometimes isn't possible. Good luck.

To try to answer some of your questions, I come from a family of seven children, six of us are adopted, I have known that I was adopted ever since I can remember, it was never a secret and I think that is the way it should be. I have never felt the need to look until now and only now because I have a nephew who feels that he should know where all of us come from which is a fair request. I guess that I have never looked because I grew up knowing that I was wanted not saying that my birth mother didn't want me, its just that I always took the view that the mother and father were the ones who were there when I needed a parent and that was all that I really needed. I think that the decision to adopt a child and to under take the responsibility of raising that child is a massive undertaking and that all adoption parents deserve some kind of "thank you" for the massive job that they take on. Even as an adoptee, I am not sure that I would adopt a child, let alone six of them. As you can see, I love my mom and dad but I love my nephew as well so I am starting the journey.

I absolutely believe that a child should be told about their adoption. It's part of who you are and if found out another way could be incredibly hurtful. Personally I think it would harm or break the trust between my parents and I if they had not told me. I haven't searched for my birth mother as I simply don't feel like she's my mother. I know that may sound harsh but she simply feels like the person who gave birth to me. My mother was the person who was by my bed when I had nightmares and who watched my school plays. I'm not saying that my bmother hasn't thought about me since or doesn't love me, I'm sure she does, as you do, but I don't feel much back. I can't say anything, but much. I am curious to know about her and her life but don't want to Meet her, if that makes any sense. I think my amother is more interested in meeting her than I am! I did want to meet her when I was approx. 8 years old though, as I was going through some tough stuff. My amother spoke to the guy at the agency and he suggested to wait so I never did follow it up and then changed my mind. I can't remember when I was told I was adopted. I've just always known. It's always been open in my family, with a file with all the information regarding my adoption (except the reason - which I'll go into another time) being within easy reach for me to look at any time. I sometimes feel pain at being adopted, particuarly in recent years with many family members having babies and many stories being swapped about when my amother was pregnant with my brothers. It does make me feel left out, but I have a great relationship with my aparents and mum is very aware of these things and will often try to incorporate "when Alissa was adopted...."stories amongst the birth stories of my brothers....which make me smile as I know she's simply doing it to make sure I feel included. As she says, she doesn't have stories of when she had me, but she has the stories from when they were applying for my adoption, the visits the agency made etc. to when she collected me from the airport. I think the hardest time in my life was when I was around 8 years old and I was having racial problems at school as it was and saw my being adopted as being the cause of it all. I didn't know why I was adopted - which was hidden from me, the only part of my adoption my aparents didn't tell me until I was older - and I thought it must have been me and that I must have done something wrong or there must have been something wrong with me.

Do you believe your parents should have kept the fact that you were adopted from you? I believe that all adoptees should be told from a young age that they are adopted. Finding out late in life can really screw someone up. I also believe that aparents should be open to discussing the adoption even if the adopted child seems overly preoccupied with it. Open adoptions with some limits are best too imho. What reasons do you have for searching for your bmom or bdad? Or why you chose not to? I was not a newborn adoption and I am sure that I had reached an age where I had probably called my bmom mama or some derivative. I am sure that I had bonded with her. She had tried to contact me when my aparents were alive and I denied contact. I want to apologize for that. I am really curious if I meet her f2f how it will feel. I wonder if I will feel an overpowering feeling from my toddler years. Will I recognize her voice? It is bound to be interesting. Do you feel pain as a result of your adoption and why? I had cousins that always made a big deal about me being adopted and an orphan. It was not mean spirited, just caring kids being kids but it still has an impact. What 4 or 5 year old wants to be labeled as different? My amom would never discuss my adoption for more than a 15 or 20 seconds. To her it was something that I should never worry about and shouldn't be discussed. My amom wanted to be sure that my asister and I never fought or bickered over anything after she and my adad died. Years ago I resigned myself that I had no rights to anything after my aparents died. It was self imposed, but I grew up feeling less than a real family member. It wasn't anything that my afamily did, it was just the way that I felt. My adoption is still a closely held place that no one gets to see fully. Lastly, please tell your husband to walk in the shoes of an adoptee and see the treatment that we get from the courts when we look to unseal our records or the amount of money, time, and effort that we have to put forth for the smallest of answers. I am sick of filling out forms and getting them notarized. And it seems that everyone wants money to aid in a search including the agency that handled my adoption.

"Do you believe your parents should have kept the fact that you were adopted from you? " * Never in a million years. I don't know how anyone could possibly think that it would be ok to do such a thing. "What reasons do you have for searching for your bmom or bdad? Or why you chose not to?" * A lot of reasons go into my decision. First of all being that I believe that I, like everyone else, have the right to now where I came from. I have the right to know about my heritage/lineage. I also have the right to know my medical history - not the cliff's notes version from 38 years ago. I am entitle to this information for myself as well as my children. I also decided to search to end my life-long wonderings and know my bparents, as well as end any worries they may have about me. I would like more than anything to be able to sit down with my bparents and let them know that I'm alive and well. I was raised by wonderful parents and am now a productive member of society. "Why do you think you should have been told you adopted? What age if any do you find is the best to be told?" * I am entitled to know how I came about. This is my personal story and should be nothing but non-fiction. I raised with the knowledge of being adopted, it has always been a part of who I am. I cannot remember actually being told. My parents were open to conversations about my being adopted which I think is the best way to handle it. "Do you feel pain as a result of your adoption and why?" * Let me first answer this question with a simple response: "duh". Wouldn't it hurt you to know that the parents that made me and the mother that carried you and gave birth to you, the people that normally are the ones that love you more than anyone else, gave you away? That's a no-brainer...

Hi! I'm an adoptee, 53 from Ill. I was told I was adopted at the age of 7. I was told the birthparents were killed in a car accident. When I was 14, my brother was 7. Also adopted from a different family/city. I was VERY hurt and STILL remember crying profusely, wondering who they were and where they were buried as I wanted to put flowers on their graves. I got brushed off. Yes I got told I was picked specially from other babies and I did NOT hear that~only that I was NOT theirs. My brother got the same story at 7 and I told him I got told the same story at his age and not to cry. It was too fishy for two sets of parents to be killed in a car accident. At that time I was considering law enforcement as a career and my mind acts(ed) the part! I want to know with all my heart and soul. My brother does NOT want to know. I, on the otherhand, DO want to know. I'm NOT looking for replacement parents as that canNOT be done EVER! I want answers and relief from unanswered questions and thoughts. It was a closed adoption and the cruelest thing PARENTS can do to a child. I was told as an adult who handled the adoption and I knew their representing attorney from childhood. We moved from childhood home when I was 7 and I remember people, places VIVIDLY! I went and got a copy of the birth certificate and original. NOT WITH THE BIRTH PARENTS NAMES, only name of Dr. attending birth and time of birth. two things I didn't know. I remember the Dr. that delivered me as he was adoptive moms Dr. in a neighboring town! HE WAS STILL PRACTICING IN 2001!!!! I went over to talk the Atty. and he told me. (Atty. was retd. I visited his/wifes house, Atty. since died) He and his wife were personal friends of my parents. I remembered the town mom's Dr. was in and I quickly went over there to talk to him. I have a photo taken with him. (COOL) I want to know because it's only natural TO KNOW! I want to know whose eyes, hair, personality, medical questions I have. SIBLINGS! FAMILY! It's ABOUT ME! PERSONAL INFORMATION ABOUT ME! Sure I want to know why I was surrendered, but more importantly who I look like! I **** sure don't want to marry and find out he's my brother or father! You want to read something fascinating on here!? Google names, Steve Barbin, Gary Klahr. Read THEIR story on adoption, it was in a newspaper The Pantagraph, December 27, 2001, OR December 28, 2001. Everything is out in the open nowadays, EXCEPT OUR BIRTHRIGHT! The state of Illinois says I don't have the right to know who MY PARENTS are, but it's okay for me to know who President Clinton sleeps with! And YES I asked that FACE TO FACE TO GOVERNOR BLAGOJEVICH August 2005 after he increased medical benefits at the Illinois State Fair! The only help he tried to give me was what I already knew/know. The Illinois Midwest Adoption Agency in Des Plaines, Ill who offers an intermediary service. the other option is registering with the Illinois Authorization Of Information with Dept. Of Illinois Bureau Of Records & Vital Statistics. I WANT THIS BARBARIC PRACTICE ON THE FLOOR AT THE STATE CAPITAL AND VOTED ON TO OPEN THESE RECORDS TO HUMAN BEINGS! I have three sons living and five grandchildren and 4 sons dead. I canNOT provide any medical information to my physicians nor the geneticists! I AM ADOPTED AND DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MYSELF! I feel as if I am an amnesia victim and am existing each day, without purpose and not knowing who I am or where I'm going because I DON'T KNOW ME! this is SO frustrating and has caused MUCH depression throughout the last 46 yrs.! PLEASE ANYONE READING THIS WRITE TO GOVERNOR BLAGOJEVICH IN SPRINGFIELD, ILL. TO THIS THIS ON THE FLOOR FOR A VOTE TO OPEN THESE RECORDS! PLEASE HELP! THANK YOU ALL AND GOD BLESS!

"Do you believe your parents should have kept the fact that you were adopted from you?" Absolutely not! "What reasons do you have for searching for your bmom or bdad? Or why you chose not to?" I did not search for a long time because I was comfortable with who I was and also because I had read a letter in Dear Abby from a birthmom who said she wanted nothing to do with the daughter she gave up for adoption. She had a new life and no one knew anything about her giving up her daughter. I didn't want to barge in on anyone's life! Now I am searching for simple curiousity. "Why do you think you should have been told you adopted?" Everyone has a right to know how they came into the world! "What age if any do you find is the best to be told?" From birth, my mom said she explained it to us when we started asking where babies came from. Thus it has always been a fact of life for me. Do you feel pain as a result of your adoption and why? Not really because we had wonderful adoptive parents. However, now that I have adopted my own child and met her birthmother, my heart goes out to my own birthmother for making such an incredible decision and I wish she knew it turned out all right.

mygrl4meee, "Do you believe your parents should have kept the fact that you were adopted from you?" No. I don't believe anyone should ever try to keep this information a secret. I believe that even if it's not consciously remembered, all adoptees know on some level (subconsciously, at the very least) that they are adopted. There is always a part of an adoptee that knows. Thus, this information actually cannot be truly kept a secret. In fact, I believe that it causes harm to the adoptee when they are not intentionally told they are adopted. Telling the child that they are adopted helps to resolve that undescribable feeling that something doesn't quite fit. Not resolving that feeling can have disastrous consequences. I believe that it should be a requirement of adoption - if you adopt, then your are required to not only tell your child that he/she was adopted, but to also celebrate that adoption and make it just as important as a birthday (birthdays are used to celebrate a person coming into the world and their family, thus adoption, another way of a child coming into a family, should also be celebrated). "What reasons do you have for searching for your bmom or bdad? Or why you chose not to?" I have not searched in any way. However, my situation is different than the "traditional" adoption. I was adopted by my birth mother's brother and his wife (my biological uncle and aunt). When I was 18, they told me who my birth mother is, even though I had no interest in knowing at the time. They told me because they thought that I was old enough to know and they didn't want to keep the "secret" any longer. I grew up having a relationship with my birth mother, but she was an aunt to me. Thus, I think the more time that went by without me knowing who she really is meant more pain for those who did know. For other adoptees, I think there's a kind of biological "need" to know where we come from. I think at some point, I would have wanted to know who my birth parents are. Knowing who my birth mother is has helped me tremendously in so many ways that I currently have no desire to know who my birth father is. I know a few things about him, but I don't know his name, where he lives, or any medical information. I might decide to search for the medical information if my wife and I ever have any children. "Why do you think you should have been told you adopted?" I think this goes back to the first question. I believe that all adoptees know, on some level, that they are adopted. Thus, not being completely honest with them from day one only causes problems. "What age if any do you find is the best to be told?" I believe that adoptive parents should incorporate the adoption into the family's everyday life right from the moment they decide to adopt. I think the adoptee should be told that they are to be adopted as soon as it is a sure thing. From that point on, discussions about the adoption should never be avoided by anyone in the family. I think the adoptive parents should celebrate the anniversary of the adoption day every year to help the adoptee feel and believe that the he/she was and is wanted. Thus, other than maybe legal issues such as birth parents identities, I don't believe any information about the adoption should ever be held back. Just like you always have known who your grandparents are and they were your grandparents before you knew them, the adoption should be known by the entire family and not be avoided. "Do you feel pain as a result of your adoption and why?" Of course. I strongly believe that there is a bond between mother and child that begins while the child is in the womb. That bond is strengthened after birth when the mother and child can interact with each other. When a child is adopted, at any age, the bond is destroyed. It is the first connection that the child has with anyone on the planet. It is the first interaction the child has with anyone. It is, I believe, the way the child begins to learn how to interact with others. When that bond is broken, regardless if it was intentional or not, the child has no choice but to feel pain. That bond was the child's lifeline to the world, in a sense. And then it is gone. Nobody can ever replace the birth mother and thus that bond can never be mended or replaced. I think the pain of losing this bond can be so great that sometimes the adoptee, as a survival mechanism, "shuts off" that pain so he/she doesn't have to feel it because feeling that pain may end up killing the child. In order to heal that pain, I think that full knowledge about the adoption (as much as is legal), as well as full acceptance, interest, and celebration of the adoption and adoptee is needed. If the adoptee doesn't believe that the adoption was fully accepted (especially the adoptive parents), then I think the pain of losing that initial bond persists, leading to many, many issues for the adoptee throughout his/her life. Personally, I definitely feel pain from being adopted. It hurts to know that my birth mother was not able to keep and raise me. It also hurts to know that I will never, ever have that initial bond again, no matter what I do or what anyone else does. I have additional pain that stems from that initial pain not being addresses properly when it should have been, but that is another story for another time. I'd also like to comment on some of the other things you mentioned. Based on my experience, if a couple is going to adopt a child, then both parties should be completely and 100% on board with everything involved in the adoption. If one person doesn't agree with something that is only for the benefit of the child, then maybe the entire adoption should be put on hold until both parties are completely on board with everything. In regards to your situation, the attitude you've described your husband as having may not be beneficial to the child that you adopt. I strongly believe in adoption being treated equally as birth. In other words, you wouldn't keep it a secret from your biological child that they are your biological child, so why keep it from your adopted child that they are adopted? For example, let's say you had two children, Mary and Peter. They are both the same age, but only Peter was adopted. One day, they both come to you and your spouse/significant other and ask, "Mom, Dad, are did you guys give birth to us?" Would you say yes to Mary but then not provide an answer to Peter? Before you and your husband adopt, I would recommend that the two of you, together, visit some adoption agencies and ask them if they think the adoptee should be told they are adopted. I think it's important for both of you to understand the effects of adoption on yourselves and the child you adopt and how to handle them. In my opinion, you shouldn't adopt until both you and your husband can see eye-to-eye on the role that the adoption itself plays in raising your child. Lastly, just because someone hasn't been part of the adoption triangle, that doesn't mean that they can't have some understanding of the affects that adoption can have on people. I think what really determines whether or not someone will have some understanding of those effects is how much that person wants to "acquire" a child through adoption and raise that child. I believe that the more a person wants to be a parent, love the child, and do whatever is best for the child, then the more willing that person will be to learn about the affects of adoption and how to raise an adoptee to be a healthy, happy, well-adjusted adult.

Thanks to everyone for answering my questions. To the last poster sorry if I wasn't clear enough on why I was asking them. I am a birthMother to a 17 year girl in a closed adoption. He doesn't understand me, and hasn't supported me when I am depressed. He doesn't understand my need for wishing I had pictures or updates on how she is doing. How I can love her, and not know her. He is beginning to be a little more supportive. We are not trying to adopt a baby/child. Mygrl

Please don't take this the wrong way but I am so relived that you and your husband are not adopting with his beliefs about adoption. I am so sorry that you are a birth mom and not getting the support from him. I'm sure he is a very nice guy but unless you are an adoptee or a birth mom, it's very hard for "outsiders" to understand what we go through. Is he open to reading a book about this? I think if he read, "The Girls that Went Away", he would understand alot more of your grief, curiosity and you in general. It's helped me immesively understand why my b-mom chose no communication with me now.