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Hi this is my first post here. I have been lurking on this site off and on for a while. I have always found the members here very warm and supportive. I would like to be a part of this forum and lend support and receive support. Today i am here as i need support and i may just rant.
I am an adoptive parent of a almost 2 year old baby girl(will turn 2 on 9/11). We did a interracial adoption domestically when we lived in the U.S. We are Indians and my baby is Hispanic by origin. Since the adoption we have moved back to India.My baby is the apple of our eye and we love her like anything. (My other 2 babies are my furry babies.....explaining the user name). I wish to be a wonderfull mom to my baby and i am trying. I share her adoption info with her, will always tell her how wonderfull her BMom is and are sending her letter and photos too to the agency and will let her explore her culture when she grows older).
Recently i was on yahoo answers and i was very upset after i came across a very angry group of anti- adoption activists.They accuse AP's of being baby stealers, people who take advantage of BMom's that are down on their luck, selfish Adopters who take adoption as a second choice to fullfill their need. Showing disgust towards AP's attempt to BF. I tried to reason with them that all adopive parents are not the same. But i was sent violations through the "report abuse" system if i asked a question like " Why are Adoptive parents thumbed down for listing the ages, name and circumstances. Isn't it rude?". Violation was " Not a question nor an answer". And after several such petty violations after being reported abuse i quit that site altogether. I realised it was spoiling my mental peace and it has left me shaken up.
You may ask who are these anti- adoption people- Mostly BMom's, Adoptees and some family touched by adoption and a few crazies/trolls.
Apart from that site having depressed me i did learn a few things. I learnt from the Adoptee's that we MUST NOT be in denial about their birth families and always allow all contact if the child wishes to. Let an Interracial adoptee child explore his culture, Keep his/ her name given by the BMom (I changed mine). Not try and "own" our babies, NOT USE term like "birth mother" instead use "first mother" (which i still disagree with). Some more i think i'll need to see the comments again to remember it.
Also i realised how unfair the system is to BMom's who's children have been taken away by social services because they were considered unfit mom's. And apparently "social services' coaxes these BMom's to relinquish rights forcefully!! (Not sure how?)
In our circumstance my baby's BMom had 4 other babies and could not financially support the fifth and thus went to an agency. I never mentioned this on that site as i feared i would be called awfull for having taken advantage of a poor mom.
I saw how desperately Adoptee's are battling adoption and searching for their B.P's. Some seriously suffer identity crisis. How some Adoptee's are so angry with their AP's. I expect i may have to face these same things when my baby is growing up , but it makes me so scared just now after reading these accusations on that board.
I am here to rant , this may be very long and i hope i didn't hurt any one.
I have found that there a some people in the adoption triad that truly had the raw end of the deal and they are out in cyberspace telling everyone that will listen. They are also the ones that usually have something to say about those who have a good adoption situation and are usally the ones that don't believe that an adoptee can have a better life sometimes. I know I will get flamed for generalizing but I am only saying some in a triad are like this.
As for those on this site, there are more here that support than flame so please continue to visit here and post. I have found many great suggestions here to help me when I am having a hard time and have found a few good friends that I can't go a day without talking to. I hope we can all help you with the same. Keep your chin up and know that you are the mother you want to be to your daughter.:love:
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finallyamom0310
As for those on this site, there are more here that support than flame so please continue to visit here and post. I have found many great suggestions here to help me when I am having a hard time and have found a few good friends that I can't go a day without talking to. I hope we can all help you with the same. Keep your chin up and know that you are the mother you want to be to your daughter.:love:
Thank you so much for the warmth.:camo:
BrandyHagz
Opinions vary widely. The topic of adoption is an emotional one. Those touched by adoption (in various ways) feel strongly about their opinions (and have every right to).
That doesn't mean, however, that my opinion (or any one else's) is right and yours is wrong. It simply means our opinions are different. Different opinions are good.
If there are those that have vastly different opinions than your own and they make you feel uncomfortable, then its up to you to decide if you want to continue to be around them or move on.
It sounds like you elected to move on and find and alternate source of 'support'. In my opinion, that's all you can do.
However, don't be surprised when you find that there are folks here who have opinions that differ from your own. From all sides of the triad...and there is nothing wrong with that :)
I can completely handle "strong" difference of opinion as well i believe i have a lot to learn from Adoptee's and B.Mom's and i have learnt from that site. What shook me was the open "HATE" and so much anger and abuse. Words that were not said to offer opinion but to hurt all AP's .
Momto1human-2furry
I can completely handle "strong" difference of opinion as well i believe i have a lot to learn from Adoptee's and B.Mom's and i have learnt from that site. What shook me was the open "HATE" and so much anger and abuse. Words that were not said to offer opinion but to hurt all AP's .
I have a hard time with this too. But then again I don't like people making assumptions about me in general. None of these "haters" have a clue who you are and the only one you need approval from is yourself.
Momto1, I am a bmom, and I have had similar reaction as you to other websites where bmoms are very angry/hostile about adoption and very vicious toward aparents. I just cannot relate to it.
I realize some people had terrible situations where their children were taken from them, or they were manipulated or forced into relinquishing. This is terrible and should never have happened. I know agencies in the past (and even some today) were unscrupulous. But my situation does not mirror that, and my experience was overall very positive. I certainly don't feel like my son's aparents took advantage of me or that I was strong armed into making an adoption plan. Do I wish there were things about the system at that time that were different? Sure. Do I think changes need to be made today in adoption practice. Absolutely. But I am in no way anti-adoption or feel that all agencies and aparents are "baby stealers" out to take advantage of a naive or unsuspecting bmom.
Realize that there are indeed a lot of disgruntled people on the internet, find a community that is more supportive, and let the rest go. I would not let the harsh opinions of others make you second guess your choice to adopt, or think that it is an absolute certainty that your daughter will have "issues" similar to those expressed by other adoptees.
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momto1, I can pretty much guess which site you are referring to. I visit the chat portion of this site frequently, and although I am an adoptive mom I have gotten to know some adoptees and birthmoms very well over the last 4 1/2 years. Most of the adoptees and birthmoms I have met do not feel the animosity and hatred reflected by the site you visited.
I have never visited any adoption site other than this one myself, but have heard other sites discussed frequently. I choose not to visit any site that dwells on the negativity, and instead stick with this site. In the general chat I find that most visitors are looking for ways to foster understanding between the three parts of the triad. I believe that getting to know both adult adoptees and birth mothers makes me a better adoptive parent. We have adopted twice through the foster system. Our daughter's adoption is completely open. We signed an open adoption agreement with our son's birth mother, but she has since disappearred.
For a more well rounded view of adoptees and birthmoms, I suggest you visit the general chat room of this site on any given evening.
JustPeachy
Momto1, I am a bmom, and I have had similar reaction as you to other websites where bmoms are very angry/hostile about adoption and very vicious toward aparents. I just cannot relate to it.
I realize some people had terrible situations where their children were taken from them, or they were manipulated or forced into relinquishing. This is terrible and should never have happened. I know agencies in the past (and even some today) were unscrupulous. But my situation does not mirror that, and my experience was overall very positive. I certainly don't feel like my son's aparents took advantage of me or that I was strong armed into making an adoption plan. Do I wish there were things about the system at that time that were different? Sure. Do I think changes need to be made today in adoption practice. Absolutely. But I am in no way anti-adoption or feel that all agencies and aparents are "baby stealers" out to take advantage of a naive or unsuspecting bmom.
Realize that there are indeed a lot of disgruntled people on the internet, find a community that is more supportive, and let the rest go. I would not let the harsh opinions of others make you second guess your choice to adopt, or think that it is an absolute certainty that your daughter will have "issues" similar to those expressed by other adoptees.
Your words as a b.mom sounded the most comforting. I truly have a feeling of affection and protectiveness about our babies B.Mom without having ever met her (her choice),never even seen her photo( her choice) and spoken to her(language issue and her choice) and i hope she feels the same way about us. I have written to her and she has sent a few liners to me with a thank you for the loving letter.
I also will want to believe our baby won't grow up angry, confused and full of "issues" that i won't be able to emotionally deal with.
I am keeping our informal promise to our b.mom to be a stay home mom and give her love of both set of parents- mom and dad for life which she could not offer and wanted so much for her children.
Connecting to you made me feel close to our b.mom. Thank you.
Trust me adoptees get the brunt of that anger too if they should ever express loving and being grateful for their aparents. I am well aware of the anti adoption hate groups They seem to infiltrate every adoption related site that will let them. They have their own group and they boast and brag about spreading their hate and telling pro adoption people off.
The best advice is to not even try to reason with these people. It seems that reasoning of any type or attempting t tell your side of things only fuels and intensifies their anger. Your best bet is to just walk away and leave them be.
It is true that there are a variety of opinions and we all can either agree or disagree, but trying to reason with some people is like breating a dead horse.
There are so many other adoption friendy sites on the on the internet that there is no need to remain on a site that is causing you so much upset and hurt.
EZ
After I adopted my son I went through a period of guilt and I spent a lot of time torturing myself looking at sites like the one you mentioned. I became sort of depressed and found that it was interfering with my ability to fully bond with my baby so I finally stopped.
This site has helped me a lot and given me insight into what all members of the triad go through. I think that the "haters" are putting their energy in the wrong place when they lash out at all adoptive parents. I believe that energy would be better put to use to advocate for pregnant women and children and for ethical adoption laws.
What really helped me was realizing that no matter what other people think, my son's other mom made a choice that was her right. She had her own reasons for choosing adoption and for choosing me as her son's mom. My only responsibility is to make myself worthy of that trust by being the best mom possible to my son. No matter why or how or what anyone thinks the reality is that this adoption happened and he needs me to love him and give him the very best home and upbringing that I can. Focusing on his needs is the thing that bonded me to him and now nothing on heaven or earth will keep me from taking care of him and loving him.
You sound like a really good mom. You are concerned about your daughter's future and how adoption will affect her. It's good that you have respect for her roots and realize that you don't "own" her but give yourself permission to "own" your role as her mother because both of you need to feel secure that you are her mom and you can take care of her.
All the best to you and your family!
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portlowski
After I adopted my son I went through a period of guilt and I spent a lot of time torturing myself looking at sites like the one you mentioned. I became sort of depressed and found that it was interfering with my ability to fully bond with my baby so I finally stopped.
This site has helped me a lot and given me insight into what all members of the triad go through. I think that the "haters" are putting their energy in the wrong place when they lash out at all adoptive parents. I believe that energy would be better put to use to advocate for pregnant women and children and for ethical adoption laws.
What really helped me was realizing that no matter what other people think, my son's other mom made a choice that was her right. She had her own reasons for choosing adoption and for choosing me as her son's mom. My only responsibility is to make myself worthy of that trust by being the best mom possible to my son. No matter why or how or what anyone thinks the reality is that this adoption happened and he needs me to love him and give him the very best home and upbringing that I can. Focusing on his needs is the thing that bonded me to him and now nothing on heaven or earth will keep me from taking care of him and loving him.
You sound like a really good mom. You are concerned about your daughter's future and how adoption will affect her. It's good that you have respect for her roots and realize that you don't "own" her but give yourself permission to "own" your role as her mother because both of you need to feel secure that you are her mom and you can take care of her.
All the best to you and your family!
Port you took the words right out of my mouth! It does change. You get busy with the day to day work of mothering and you start to see that those with an anti adoption agenda don't have a place in your real life. I wonder if some of these "haters" understand that their words indirectly effect innocent children when their parents become depressed or fail to bond based on the things they read. I agree that there are major changes that need to be made but I fail to see how hurting you or I achieves that. Thank goodness it doesn't even phase me anymore! I wish the same for you :)
EZ2Luv
Trust me adoptees get the brunt of that anger too if they should ever express loving and being grateful for their aparents. I am well aware of the anti adoption hate groups They seem to infiltrate every adoption related site that will let them. They have their own group and they boast and brag about spreading their hate and telling pro adoption people off. EZ
That was my experience too, i noted that happy Adoptee's comments were ignored like they believed them to be unreal and even pounced on.. Thx for your comforting words.:thanks:
Portlowski , Stormster and MrsRed - Thank you for your kind words and warmth.
Just 2-3 days ago i was so down , depressed and having sleepless nights worrying what does the future have in store for me as our baby grows older and starts to hate me.
Today after your kind words i can focus on the beautifull , kind B.Mom's and happy Adoptee encouraging words i heard from that other site and all the lovely people who responded to me on this one.Lesson learnt" Keeping away from the negative people........Remember the kind words and forget the unkind ones"
I feel like a cloud has lifted and i just can't wait to write a letter to my baby's B.Mom since our babies second b'day is on Sep 11th. I can thank her without feeling guilty and awfull now. I can give a warm hug to our baby and tell her how happy she makes me and her dad. How loved she is by her B.Mom and our whole family.
Thanks and Hugs everyone ((( Hugs)))):love:
I refuse to surround myself with the ugliness, hatred, bigoted and one-sided opinions of others, no matter what the topic. As for feeling guilty because we have adopted 4 beautiful children in a variety of situations, I just will not do it. We are blessed beyond reason with the placement of each of our children. I've gone thru some guilt in the past about one of our adoptions, which started out to be an open one. Guilt does not serve our family well. It IS WHAT IT IS. A biological mother who could not parent at the time. There are many who will make excuses for why they are not parenting because it feels better to them to do so. That doesn't mean you have to accept it. You sound like a wonderful mother who is sympathetic to others. That said, you don't have to carry the onus of guilt because you are parenting your beautiful daughter. Do your best to surround yourself with optimistic people who are not small-minded or judgmental. Feel free to PM me if you need support some days.
With warmth and support,
Josie
Just 2-3 days ago i was so down , depressed and having sleepless nights worrying what does the future have in store for me as our baby grows older and starts to hate me.
I went through something similar when I went on these sites and then had it in my head that my grown son, who I placed in a wonderful adoptive family, was somehow "damaged" by my choice and must be a complete and utter emotional wreck, unable to sustain relationships, is angry, bitter, etc., etc. Nevermind that there has never been any indication that this is true based on the updates I received over the years from his parents and him; nevermind that he has shown himself to be a kind, caring, sensitive, successful, thoughtful person. I still thought I must have done something so terrible and that he must be "messed up" because of my decision made as a teenager. Then I finally came to my senses and realized I had to look at my situation for what it is and was, and not be influenced by the rantings of others who may have legitimate issues based on their particular circumstances which are totally different from mime, but who also may have an axe to grind.
Connecting to you made me feel close to our b.mom. Thank you.
That was such a beautiful compliment you paid me. Thank YOU!
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I'm glad you found this site. There are so many forums here that are very supportive. I feel blessed to have found them, both before we adopted, as we have difficulties with our special needs children, and now after their adoptions are final and they continue to adjust.
My children were severely hurt by their birth family (both physically, emotionally, and developmentally) and though you can't tell my looking at them, they will never be totally "normal." The foster care system is severely dysfunctional, but that doesn't mean it would be better for kids like mine to have remained with biomom.
"I also will want to believe our baby won't grow up angry, confused and full of "issues" that i won't be able to emotionally deal with."
Every child, every family, and every situation is different. Your child may never have the issues you worry about, but I can tell by your posts that even if she does, you will seek out the help and support you and she need. You sound like an amazing, loving mother, and you would be surprised at what you are capable of when it comes to the well-being of your daughter.
I agree with the others, ignore the fanatics who know nothing of the loving, supportive family that you are, and surround yourself with people who will help you and support you. :love:
Hugs and prayers,
Being new to the world of adoption, I have visited a ton of sites during the past few months. I understand that all involved no matter the role will have thoughts and opinions. As soon as I see post slamming adopters, or birthmoms I quit visiting the sites, its not worth my time and these people can not be reasoned with.