Contacting birth relatives with a closed adoption.

Hi Mumuf3! I am actually a reunited B-mom so my thoughts and perspectives might not be what you're seeking but I wanted to share a few things if I may. First, I want to commend you for being so sensitive and thoughtful that you'd even consider something of this magnitude. That IMO is great. Secondly, I am assuming that since you say DD was 5 when she came home to you this wasn't a "normal" placement and there were possible issues with her first family, right? You also say your DS has RAD and you wonder if contacting his bio's could make things worse... I wanted to say that even during the best of times in fully -functioning- mature- issue -free ADULTS reunion is difficult. It can be the roller-coaster ride from H-E-*-*! And that is without the added pressure of the issues you are seeing in your kids and the fact that they are so very young. You'll be inviting relatives with issues themselves in to not only observe but hopefully help fix the problem your daughter is having. I think you'd be adding fuel to the flame. IMO you should consider seeking therapy for your daughter at this time. Maybe even the school could offer resources that would best serve her needs, and if not maybe they can refer you; but please DO NOT SEEK OUT THE B-PARENTS TO FILL THIS ROLE. Personally speaking as a B-mom I would not have wanted to meet my daughter under these circumstances at all. It was not a job that I was prepared to handle during the early years and my daughter was placed at birth without the drama and trauma of CPS involvement. If you'd had a prior on-going relationship with the family I'd say go for it but since you don't IMO now is simply not the way to begin one. Again, Mumuf3 please know I think for you to even consider doing this IMO makes you an awesome person. I love the fact that the one thing that my own daughters A-mom detests is the very thing that you are attempting to seek out and embrace! :thanks: Your motives are great and the length you are willing to go to is amazing. Take care and I hope everything works out. Tracy

Mum, I'm an adult adoptee currently searching for my bparents. In my opinion, I think that your children are much too young for a search/reunion to be considered. It is completely natural that your having a biological baby has triggered questions, feelings, etc. in your daughter. I would just honestly answer her questions the best you can and reassure her that you are her mother too, although you did not birth her, she is still just as much a piece of your heart as your biological child is. Growing up, I always knew I was adopted. Yet, as a child when one of my friends' mom was pregnant, I went looking through our photo albulms to see pictures of what my mom looked like when she was pregnant with me. My mom had to explain that she never was pregnant, that's just part of being adopted. Just being around a pregnancy sparked so many questions. All those questions and more came back when I grew up and became pregnant with my children. I think that helping her search out answers would be wonderful, after she's grown up. I would even tell her that you'll be glad to help her should she decide to search as an adult, but for now she is your child and you are her mother and you are blessed to have eachother. Good luck.

I want to jump in as an amom and disagree a bit - or at least offer a different perspective. My kids were adopted at the ages of 3 and 4. For my older son (now 13) he has ALWAYS needed information, wanted answers to his questions and wanted pictures or information. I would suggest starting with your kids' "file". Did you get any information when you adopted them? We were able to access our kids entire file (adopted from DFS in Missouri). It had information on things like visits, why kids were taken into care, etc etc etc Then, I initiated contact with our kids birthmom. We exchanged pictures, letters (through an intermediary). Eventually (and not long actually) we had direct contact. Its been several years of letter exchanges and phone calls etc, and we have alwyas told the boys that when THEY were ready, we would arrange for them to meet their birth family. This past summer, my 13 year old asked. We took 10 months to plan and I took him for a two week visit this past July (my daily journal from that time is documented in the July section of my blog linked below). My 12 year old (his full bio brother) absolutely was NOT ready and did NOT want contact. And respecting BOTH kids needs and wishes was very helpful. Also, we had a similar situation except our kids were younger -- 18 months after our kids came home, we had a bio baby. For my sons (and maybe your daughter) she may feel that she has been replaced by the baby. Or she make suddenly feel insecure in your family. She might have questions about what life was like for her as a baby. She may wonder (as did my kids) if she was breastfed or when she walked etc. Finding out that information from birthmom (as well as getting a baby picture) was ABSOLUTELY WORTH THE EFFORT. Worth the fear, worth the risk. So, I would keep initiating contact with your daughter. Ask her these questions. Let her see you are her ALLY - not her enemy. Not trying to keep information from her. Willing to hear what she needs, and wants, and that its important to you. If you decide to initiate contact, dont let it be direct contact for a while between child and birth parent, have it be between you and the birth parent. Establish those boundaries, those safe zones - and support your child. We had a tough go -- and things werent always perfect or healthy in our reunion -- but for my SON it was the right decision at the right time.

Mum.... as an adoptee who was always too afraid to ask questions about my adoption or about my bmom may I make a suggestion of finding out what you can without telling your daughter you are doing so but then as more questions come up you can answer them honestly. Even though she is young I believe if she is asking then she deserves some answers. Like I said this is just my suggestion and I realize everyone has to do what is best for them and their situation.

Thanks for all of your fast replies. I don't want my kids to actually have contact or meet birth relatives yet. Right now I have no intention of telling my kids that I am trying to make contact. I guess what I want is to be able to have contact with someone from the birth family who can answer questions and share information. Is it too much to hope for a relationship via e-mail? I have a copy of DD's birth certificate and copies of DD's and DS's medical records. With this information, I was able to locate relatives (not the actual parents) years ago. I've just never had to courage to make contact. Thanks for all of the input. I really want to do this but am still just so afraid of what the consequences might be.

:eyebrows: :arrow: :thankyou: :sick: :prop: Just testing

+1 wholeheartedly. As a late adoptee, I only had an older sister. She has always been wonderful to me but I still have always felt like a 2nd class family member. I cannot imagine how a younger sibling may have affected my early behavior. There are only a couple of pictures of me from before the age of 4 or 5 and I miss that. As for your quandary. I don't think that keeping an open line of communication to the bparents is a bad thing, but I wouldn't even consider any sort of reunion for a few more years. And then only if your children persistently ask about it. I was always told that I shouldn't care about my adoption because my amom was the one who raised me and her closing the door on the subject caused some resentment. When I had questions, she should have been understanding and helpful rather than to tell me not to worry about it and making me feel like I had no business or reason to wonder about where I had come from. Like Jensboys said, don't become the enemy because it can cause resentment. You are to be commended for being such a caring mother. :cheer:

Mum, I am a bmom and agree with much that has been said here. I think that you should try and get answers for your DD. Identity is such an important issue, especially for someone her age. However, information does not have to mean contact. You can and should control that. You do seem to be an in-touch sort of parent and will probably know how much your DD needs and how soon. And therapy is also a tool that can help during this journey. Most of all, don't be afraid to search. Even if her bfamily is not receptive or they are not the kind of people you want your DD to know right now, at least she will have more information about where and who she came from (and will appreciate you more :)). Gpod Luck, Deb