My Two Cents: For what it's worth...

I have spent a couple of years now reading the adult adoptee forums. And to all of you who have shared your stories, Thank you. I guess I feel by sharing mine I can get some closure on some of my issues relating to my adoption. I am 46 and was adopted at 5 weeks old. By the time I was five my Aparents were over the charm of my adoption. As an adult I realize that they had told themselves that they would be happy if only they had a child... By the time I was 16 they decided that I was the reason for all of their problems therefore it was time for me to "move" on. My amother's father had told her not to adopt because you were only going to get someone else's "problem." I was raised to be "grateful" for my adoption and if my afamily (including extended family members) ever felt that I was acting ungrateful, then I was "just being a spoiled brat." I was a straight "A" student in gradeschool, student body President and community award winner for excellance in leadership. My afather was heard to say at the awards cermony, "just wait, she's gonna fall." When I left home at 16 I went "wild" for several years but by my 20th bday I turned my life around. I had been told all of my life that the only thing I was good for was to take care of my afamily when they got old... At 26 I returned home to care for my afather who had suffered a stroke. Through the years of caregiving I was told that I wasn't doing enough and couldn't be counted on. I'm not sure what 24/7 care for 13 years counted for, but I did give him my best. I was 26 when I first realized that I had "adoption issues". Mainly anything that had to do with rejection. Any time it happened large or small it would hit me like a mac truck. When I was 30 I read Primal wound, and must have thrown the book across the room at least 5 times. Why? Beacause finally someone validated all the emotions I had felt as an adoptee, and I had spent 30 years denying my feelings! Because I was adopted and my husband and I could not have children of our own we decided that adoption was a good idea. We were older now so we went down the road of older adoption. unfortunately, the adoption fell through. But during the time we had our son, it was a real eye opener to how deep the wounds can go. By the time he was placed with us he had been moved through foster care so many times that when he met me he flat out told he didn't want or need another mother. Totally understandable. Why do I share all of this? To give myself a voice. For so many years people have tried to shut me up thru shame or rejection. Bottom line for me, adoption has been very painful for me due to lack of understanding about why my soul hurt so bad. Luckily I have a wonderful husband who for 25 years has faithfully and lovingly walked thru all of this with me. I will never look for my bmom. The idea of possibly being rejected again by someone who is suppose to matter to me sends chills down my spine. She had her reasons. I don't need details. I'm sorry if I have rambled on too long. Thank you for letting me vent on a forum where maybe I'm not alone.