Telling the children

If the children were taken by CPS the mother should not have the right to say they can have counseling or not. She should not have any rights in regards to their health or welfare at this point. Do you have a case worker, CASA or GAL? Do you have medical consent forms for them? Sounds like someone with CPS isn't doing their job.

That is exactly what I am wondering. This was such a sudden thing for our family I feel so lost. We still are not fully licensed - still doing the home study and have to take our classes in November. The FDS (which I don't remember what that stands for) told me that the mother refuses to sign. I have medical authorization for the dentist, doctor, etc. but can't make a counseling appointment. I also spoke with the CASA attorney who told me that the boys were supposed to be evaluated with the mother and recommendations would be made. He also said that we needed to wait for this and anything else the mother is not signing. (she wouldn't even sign for haircuts) This was back in July. The mother does have a private attorney who was a former CASA attorney. It's just so strange. They also told me that they wanted the boys to have counseling with a trained sexual abuse counselor - but nothing else. The mother is also having a full-blown trial in Family Court and may be facing criminal charges as well. I feel like such a pest because I call every week and never get any answers.

I wish I could give you more advice, but it sounds like CPS is dragging their heels because they have a home for them and don't have to put much effort out on it. I would keep hounding them until the kids get the help they need. If they have a CASA(and not the CASA attorney) then you should call that person and talk to them. Their job is to advocate strictly for the child. Somebody needs to get the consent for them to have counseling and asap. They can go through the court to get the judge to order it maybe. They would do that here in Texas.

There is something you may be able to do to get around her signing for her boys to go to counseling. YOU can go to counseling, preferably someone that has experience with children in foster care. The counselor, if they're worth their salt, should be able to give you good information and ideas to help the kids yourself. NOT to become a counselor yourself, but some extra parenting skills that will help an unusual situation. One of the best ideas my FD's counselor gave me, for example, was to reflect what she was telling me back at her. For example, if she was crying and said she missed her brothers, I could say, "you love your brothers very much and it is hard to be away from them, isn't it?". Just acknowledging what they are feeling helps a lot. Sometimes their feelings are so big they don't know how to put them in words. When you reflect their feelings back towards them, it helps them feel accepted and makes them feel good that someone understands. And, a counselor can give you ideas specific to what your kids are going through so that you are able to help them through this tough time and so they act out less. If the kids are on Medicaid, you can probalby go to a counselor using their medical coupons, as long as your sessions with the counselor are about the kids and parenting them. (They wouldn't pay for counseling for your issues, or marital counseling, for example.) We were able to do this in our state (and they told us this in foster parenting class.) If they aren't on Medicaid, often counselors have a sliding scale that can make it very affordable for you to go. As to the caseworker not telling them what is going on, I think that is unusual at their age. However, have they seen the caseworker since being placed in your home? In some states, attorneys are assigned to children 12 and older, and the children know what is going on because they are supposed to tell their attorneys what they want to happen. If they have questions, you can tell them you don't have the answers, but they can ask their caseworker. You can write down a list of all of their questions, so when the caseworker comes to visit, you don't forget something important. And, if the kids want answers and are ready to speak with the caseworker, I would call and ask the caseworker to come and see the kids as they have a lot of questions that you aren't able to answer. If they ask the caseworker directly why they are in foster care, I think the caseworker should have to tell them something. If you don't get the response you need, go higher up the chain of command until somebody handles this better. It isn't fair to those kids to leave them in limbo like this, it only makes things worse for them mentally and emotionally.