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My husband and I are just beginning the process of a hopeful adoption. We have a ton of ideas and have talked to several friends who are adults that were adopted. We want to know what an adoptive parent can do to transition a child into knowing they are adopted all the while making them aware that they were loved and waited on longer than most biological children.
In addition to that, how much info would you have wanted to know about your biological parents/mother when you were old enough and mature enough to handle it...
My hope was/is to obviously raise them knowing they are adopted along with trying to get as much info/pics, etc of their biological family for them to pass on later in life. We're going through our state foster/adoption program so I highly doubt there would be any posibility of an open adoption though I feel it's definately important for that child to know about their bio family.
Any ideas??
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Ditto to all of the above!
Hopefully you will know the factual information about their birth parents and be able to give to them when age appropriate. If not what you know is just what you know, can't share more than you know. Certainly let them express and feel comfortable as possible talking about thier heritage as you can.
What awesome parents you'll be! You'll pass along the characteristics of honesty, integrity and kindness with respect, I believe that is what we call true love!!!....what could be more important than to teach a human being these qualities by example, in word and in deed from the time you become thier loving parents!
God bless, and warm regards.
I love books by Todd Parr - "The Family Book" talks about different kinds of families - some families are big, some families are small, some families are quiet, some families are noisy, some families are adopted. I also love his "Adoption Book" and "It's OK to be Different". I love the stories, I love the artwork - I love the messages of acceptance and inclusion - Love love love Todd Parr.
Also - "Maybe Days" and "the Star" for foster kids. You can order any of these at your local bookstore. I came across them by searching children's books in Amazon for "foster care".
I was also adopted during the closed era. My aparents told me that they talked about my adoption while I was still in the crib. I grew up with adoption being just a part of who I was - like having brown hair. I had brown hair and was adopted. My brother had blond hair and was natural. We were all one family. They did tell me my adoption story also.
Another thing my aparents did that was right. They told me that my bparents loved me but were just not at the right time in their life to raise me. I never questioned that I was loved both by bparents and aparents. And, after my reunion, I found out they were right - I was loved.
Good luck.
jrainbow
I was also adopted during the closed era. My aparents told me that they talked about my adoption while I was still in the crib. I grew up with adoption being just a part of who I was - like having brown hair. I had brown hair and was adopted. My brother had blond hair and was natural. We were all one family. They did tell me my adoption story also. Another thing my aparents did that was right. They told me that my bparents loved me but were just not at the right time in their life to raise me. I never questioned that I was loved both by bparents and aparents. And, after my reunion, I found out they were right - I was loved. Good luck.
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I wish my parents had read these books when I was a child: "Adoption Healing... a Path to Recovery", by Joe Sol. Also, "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew", by Sherrie Elderidge I had wonderful parents, but they were ill equipped to deal with the issues most adoptees have, as most were during "the baby scoop" era. They did things "by the book" per se, but those "things" were shrouded in secrecy and may have been "well meaning", and they did more harm than good. For instance, MANY adopted children were told, "Your Mother loved you so much, she gave you up for adoption". Ummm- that is very confusing to a child. Many adoptees think, "Hmmm...my parents say they love me, are they going to give me up for adoption, too?" Adoptees were usually not encouraged to acknowledge the painful aspects of adoption i.e, loss of their first mother, feelings of adnadonment/rejection, etc, making them supress those feelings until they are much older. I love the fact you are asking adoptees for this advice. Not ALL adoptees have issues, but most do. By equipping yourself with knowledge, you are preparing yourself to be an even greater and loving parent! BTW- I LOVE these books, and they have validated many of the things I have felt my entire life, and knowing these feelings/things are very common in adoptees have helped me to be even colser to my a parents. Linda
Linda--
I am definately going to look into that book 20 things adoptee's want their parents to know... this is exactly what I've been asking adopted friends, etc. What does my future child need me to know that they can't tell me (ie-what issues will they be facing that I will want to help them through, etc.).
I am racing to get ready for work but read every post and thank you all again for the many ideas and advice!! I'm going to hit up half.com (ebay like site without the bidding) and get those books!
Thanks!!
You are awesome. Again, Im not saying that everyone feels the same way I did, but from the adoptees I know and have talked to, these 2 books pretty much hit the nail on the head. I just believe in knowledge, and being prepared. I think if these books were mandatory reading for a parents to read, life would be so much better! Thankfully, the secrecy that used to surround adoptions is slowly becoming a thing of the past. My a mom is reading these books now. She told me, "Oh my...it all makes sense now!" (my behavior & her feelings, etc) She also said she wishes they had been in print back in the day, as they also address the ap perspective. The secrecy back then was thrust upon all members of the triad.Good luck!
My parents told me when I was about four I guess. They had a little book n all. They were trying to tell me there was nothing to be ashamed or emabarassed about, but even at the age of four I knew there was something very frightening about it and it was not until I was an adult and had united with biological relatives that I felt comfortable telling people about my adoption.
In saying that, I was not shown any photos or given any significant information about my story. I think there's no easy age to let a child know they're adopted. Even as an adult (knowing from the age of four) it's still hard to understand why it happened. Maybe giving the child lots of info about thier birthparents might make it easier but it could just as easily make it harder.
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I think you will know when the time is right to talk to your child. I grew up knowing that I was adopted and have always been very open about it. I think it is important to keep the dialogue open and be honest with your kids when they do ask questions. I would recommend the book "The Primal Wound", Understanding the Adopted Child by Nancy Verrier to all adoptees, parents and birth parents. It helped me a lot!
I was adopted at a later age, 6 to be exact. I always knew I was adopted but never understood why. I still don't have all the answers to my questions and I have come to realize that I probably will never know the full truth. My adoption was supposed to be open but for some reason didn't end up that way. I wanted to know everything about my Biological family, but wasn't given much information. I just wanted to know where I came from. When I finally tracked down my b-family, my a-mother decided to change the phone number and block any long distance calls, in and out. She made it to where I couldn't talk to them anymore. (I'm still hurt by this) I would say be as honest as possible. Answer their questions as much as you can. (age appropriate) Help them find their b-family when THEY are ready and don't forbid them from talking to them. (unless you have REALLY good reason) Love your children, no matter how badly they mess up. They will be dealing with some form of abandonment issues no matter how carefully you tread.
I am an adult adoptee, 54 years. I was told at age 7. when I asked who they were, mom said they were killed in a car accident. I'd ask where they were buried and I got brushed off. I still don't know and am VEHEMENTLY against closed adoption. I would tell the child when they are emotionally mature to understand, and you can provide them the whole truth! I live in Ill. and don't have the right to know who they are, but it's okay for my to know who President Clinton sleeps with!!!! Yes I have issues with that!!!!
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Not knowing one's origins is one of the single most self destructing struggles that an adopted person must deal with. I have only recently found out at 45 that the information my adopted parents told me about my birth mother was utter lies and fabrications. My search will never result in a reunion and coming to terms with this is tearing me apart. I thought it would be easier the older I became but unfortunately that's just not true.
Jen
manderzmcg79
My husband and I are just beginning the process of a hopeful adoption. We have a ton of ideas and have talked to several friends who are adults that were adopted. We want to know what an adoptive parent can do to transition a child into knowing they are adopted all the while making them aware that they were loved and waited on longer than most biological children. In addition to that, how much info would you have wanted to know about your biological parents/mother when you were old enough and mature enough to handle it... My hope was/is to obviously raise them knowing they are adopted along with trying to get as much info/pics, etc of their biological family for them to pass on later in life. We're going through our state foster/adoption program so I highly doubt there would be any posibility of an open adoption though I feel it's definately important for that child to know about their bio family. Any ideas??