Why Family vs. Foster

We are a family member who is currently trying to get our nephew. I called within 36 hrs of hearing he went into the hospital w/ broken bones that were unexplanined. My heart sank, because I had a feeling....... Anyhow, the baby went to foster care even though we contacted the worked so soon. The day I called the CW told me, it's still too early to know if we're even going that route. She took my contact info. 5 days later he was released from the hospital. It was that day she called me (which I was going to call her that day anyhow, because I had heard he was being released and I wanted to know what was happneing). She asked the parents for their input- she brought up my husband and I- and they were both okay w/ us. Still my nephew went into care. There was no justifiable reason for this. She couldn't "deny" us. She didn't even meet us, come to our home, or do anything else. Rather they sent him to foster care, and said we'd work on figuring this out. Now my BIL and the babies mother get a summons to go to court and the papers state their is no suitable relative placement. I was floored. My husband nor I have ever been arrested or anything, so there is nothing she could of even found w/ a check. I actually thought so hard I thought maybe it was because I was on a payment plan for some taxes I couldn't pay to the state all at once, but that would be just silly since we are sticking w/ our pymt plan. So, there was no reason to say we were not suitable. Now we do have a meeting tomorrow w/ the parents and CW to try and make a "plan" for placement. Still, this should of been done prior to him being placed since we stepped up 5 days before he was released from the hospital and placed. In our case, it seems as if the CW really just does not want to be bothered, and it's bugging the heck out of me. Maybe this could be the case more than some realize.

My daughter had family members try for several years. When one would not pass the homestudy, another would try. THen another. There was one aunt who tried from day 1 to get her and even went against her own brother just to see that my daughter had the safest home. I am glad that I can tell my daughter that she there were family members step up to try. So often I hear that "nobody wants these kids". That isn't true the majority of the time in cases I have seen.

You never know how thing actually went down. CW could have been asking bp all along about family and the bp didn't give names. Sometime bf wait it out in hopes the family member get's their life together. There are 100 reasons why this did or did not happen. I know it is unfair. Our ad pgm wanted to adopt her - she came to all the visits and even hired her own attorney. But she failed her homestudy with the state. She never did the changes to her home that needed to be done. So she went into court with a lawyer that did not know what he was doing, she had no approved homestudy and her petition was thrown out of court.

In some states they only have to contact certain relatives (in our situation it was all the SW had to do was show proof she called both sets of Grandparents) and if you are extended family that has moved away from or decided to separate from the relatives that are not any good then you never find out til it's way too late. Normally the SW has to prove to a Judge they looked for relatives according to their requirements. It's normally just a process they go thru. I think it stinks they didn't search harder in our case but they did follow their county guidelines. We only found out by speaking to my husbands other sister and she told us by hearing it from their Mom that CPS called her. There are many different reasons hubby has no contact with his mother (lets just say it's not a stable relationship and she has made alot of poor choices raising him). There could be many reasons why relatives have not stepped up yet. And there could be they have and haven't passed a home study or they are afraid to stepup for one reason or another. I can remember the SW telling us she was surprised we even called her and stepped up because most of the time relatives don't want to go thru the hassles we did. And I can remember in our daughters case the FP's never were told about us being involved til many months later. I wish they would search early in the case (weeks not months) and get it over with before these kids bond with the FP's and also have the bioparents come up with names of other relatives they feel would be a safe home too. In our case SIL did mention us only while the SW came to visit her in prison after 3 months into the case! At that point we were already involved in getting our foster care license. They need to search much earlier then a year later! That's way too long to me.

I think it is but, due diligence is going on what bio mom and dad tell workers. Not sure what my friend told workers, but when her mom and dad found out, her son was in process of being adopted. Now, this stinks to high heaven!!! The kid bonded with pre-adoptive parents and vice versa!!

I am very sorry for the frustration you must be feeling. It must be awful to face this dilemma and love a child who may or may not be leaving;( The ENTIRE system is broken and in our case we are on the flip side. I am the maternal aunt who DID speak up IMMEDIATELY and now a year later, my nephew is being fought over. It hurts everyone, sometimes I wonder what the fp must be feeling.......I do feel sad for them sometimes, imagine their pain. THEN I get angry because they have known about me for sure, for months and have fought us. It is not our fault that they live 12 hours away. It is also not their fault they care about my nephew. I blame the system first, then.............. these particular fp. (that is a long story most don't go this way so please don't think I am downing other fp;) Have you tried contacting the family? Maybe if they saw you together, or you got the entire story, are you willing to include them? Just some ideas. It is an awful situation, again so very sorry. Maybe some good communication would change things or at least answer some questions. I just wanted you to know that sometimes SW keep things from you or from the birth families too. Due to HIPAA and some poor-mannered SW things get sticky and navigating through this process is HARD! Our case is a lot different too in the respects that the fp are friends with our estranged mother (so they knew even more about me) and there was some physical abuse from another child in the fhome that CPS did not take seriously. I am still flaming mad over that one!:eek: Best Wishes to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND from a relative.........thanks for caring for that baby;) There were so many nights I couldn't (still can't) sleep worrying about my nephew. P.S. THANKS for whomever said "I hope this is not a relative vs. fp thing;)" I agree this is a case by case kind of topic;))):cheer: Legislation needs to change and things need to be more clear for EVERYONE, more help navigating the system needs to be printed. SW are not God and sometimes they take matters into their own hands, for either side and that is sad...................

The part that I don't understand is why don't they ask more frequently. I think when the case worker stated in my case that it was the rule to ask at TPR we ask parents for a list of names. I never knew that. The fp of the sibling was offered my fc. The sister was place for less time and ended up being removed from the fp. So they could have moved my fc and now they would have siblings to place. I think it is shocking that in some states fp have no rights even after a year. I am not judging bio relatives but I think a law should be put in place that will get the relatives to come forward faster and cw to ask more frequently because they don't want the adoption overturned because they didn't want the extra work. I think it should be documented at the hearings. My case goes to status hearing every 3 months. I think bio relatives should show up and the cw should have to document efforts to locate bio relatives. California has defacto parents. I think this is excellent. This is not about the fp its about the child right to permanency. The fp is expressing the emotions that the child can not express until its to late. We are feeling the loss and abandonment that the child will feel when the are removed. The child may heal but the pain is real. The relatives feel the pain the child experience too. I think that there should be some room to let the fp express the fear and confusion that feel. It is a very powerless feeling to know she can't prevent this pain. This is the hardest thing I ever experience. Every time, I read a post like this it brings tears to eyes ... aching to my heart. Only the fp can understand the terror you feel but have to smile and act like everything is great. It is horrible, this time last year I waited 10 business days to find out if I would lose my baby. I was sick!! I didn't want to get out of bed. I fought back tears until I could put my child to bed. I watched him sleep. He was 14 months and I picked him up from the hospital (medically fragile). I just want to say I feel your pain and this is not about the relatives. To feel bad for the fp is not enough. I still have my baby I read post on here they are so so so sad. May God bless your family. Someone posted a pray for foster parents and that got me through the rough days.

Unfortunately not all SW's research relatives in the beginning of the case. They don't ask the bioparents for resources til months or even a year into the case. This also leaves the relatives as looking like they didn't do anything to try and have placement and it allows the FP's to get attached and the child to get attached. This shouldn't be happening but it is. Unfortunately there really is no straight answer. Sometimes it is better to keep the child where he/she is in the FP's home. I don't think it's right for a SW to drag her feet for placement decision (when TPR is inevidable) and then the child loses out on a bio relative placement that is qualified. It happens alot from what I have heard...SW's bogged down with too many cases and the courts dragging out permanency. It just makes it so much harder for the kids.

Thank you everyone for your support. I am just amazed at the whole process. Only since I'm experiencing this do I realize the whole different world out there! I am thankful for this opportunity to care and love another child, keeping in mind always that she is not mine. (But it sure gets harder and harder the more days that pass!)Thanks for helping me see the point of view from a relatives standpoint. Happy Holidays!

I totally agree with you. I filed to become a relative care giver to my nephew exactly a year ago on Dec. 1st and I'm still playing the foster care game. My caseworker dwells on such small details and completely overlooks the most important aspects of the situation.

in 2006 my niece was taken into custody her mom has a drug problem. I knew before they took her and filed all the appropriate paperwork 2yrs of court battles later I gave up and made a visitation agreement with the preadoptive family. It was a very hard choice but it had to be made. I have a son now (my former nephew) who we finalized on his adoption on nov 21. His little sister also lives with us, Being a foster parent and an adoptive parent when it is family is by far the most difficult thing we have ever done. First of all we have a daughter in college and an 18 month old and a 9 week old. We also have to deal with the emotional toll this takes on family. I know why the kids were removed more info than a normal foster parent would have. I agree that the placement is needed. after a couple yrs 'in the system" I learned a couple things 1) SW are great and want to help kids but their hands are mostly tied they rarely are the ones making decisions if in doubt contact their supervisor 2) in my state all children are appointed lawyers and the courts appoint a guardian at lidem ( hope I spelled that right) they represent the child and are impartial express you concerns to them and they too will work for the protection of the childs best interest. and for the ones who are stuggling I feel your pain but it is worth it in the end. I am kind of a big guy but when I come home from work and my little guy says hi daddy all the troubles we had melt away from my tears of joy.

Some times relitives try to step in and are ignored. We have been trying to get Arkansas to do the ICPC for months and it's frustrating knowing all three of the children are not even in the same home. We told the case worker that we had our home study done, and the mom even offered to give us full custody.

I have had my nephiew from birth and he is 2 and a half. The advice I never got that I most needed was to get consult from a good lawyer. The court system is very unpredictable and I have almost lost him once and am fighting against visitation of grandparents that have decided to show up after over 2 years. You need a good representative for your foster child and you need legal advice from a lawyer

If they are just now asking them about relative options, it’s possible they didn’t before and didn’t do their due diligence in finding family placements. The family may not be aware. There may be distant relatives that are appropriate and can care for the child who were not made aware and that is the agency’s fault. If there is an appropriate relative placement that can care for and keep the child safe, the child should be placed with them. Reunification and then relative placement are always the main goals.

Unfortunately, too many potential adoptive parents claim they will keep the family involved and then don’t follow through with those promises once the child is legally theirs. So, for this reason, I don’t think any family would be willing to step aside and allow fp’s to adopt knowing that they could cut them out at any moment in the future. It would be better for the bio family to fight and then keep the fp involved as supportive family friends.