My Story

Not many people know the whole story. I can be quite shy and I find it much easier to express my feelings by typing them out. Here's my story. I have always known I was adopted. My parents both had children from a previous marriage that lived in other states. They also had a son together. I was the baby of the family. I grew up pretty poor (although I didn't even realize we were poor until I was older) but my parents sacrificed everything they could for me to be able to take dance classes, which was my true passion. I never truly got along with my brother. I suspect there was some form of mild sexual abuse when I was younger. I have vague memories of us being downstairs with the Monopoly board set up but us not really playing Monopoly. I remember one time begging him to play blocks with me and him saying he would if I would take my panties off. He would often hide in the shower or even go outside to "play with our dog" and be outside the bathroom window in order to catch a glance of me undressed. That I know of there was never any physical contact but countless times of looking. I suppose that counts as sexual abuse. Of course I felt ashamed and scared to tell my mom. She found out about it by accidentally seeing a page of my diary. I don't remember much about that either but he got yelled at, blah blah blah. My brother is physically handicapped and has some minor learning disabilities and he always used that to his complete advantage. Anyway, I don't really fault my parents in how they handled it. I honestly think they only knew about the one incident. Of course the watching continued for a few years after that. I very very very rarely had friends over and when I did, I was very aware and watching over her the whole time as to protect her from him. I never did like my brother but maintained a civil relationship with him because he was my parents son and I didn't want to upset them in any way. Until one night when I was probably about 11 or 12. In a seperate incident, he got in an argument with my mom over normal teenager things. One thing led to another and he pushed her down. That was the last straw. I officially hated my brother. (But still managed to be civil) He is much older than me but because of his disabilities, did not move out until I was about 15 or so. The next years were good. My mom was my best friend. I loved her more than anything. She had been ill for sometime but because we were so poor, couldn't afford to go to the doctor like she needed to. When I was about 18, we found a medical program that she could afford. After many many tests she was diagnosed with Hepatitis B among other things. Because of the hepatitis, she already had severe cirrhosis of the liver. Things weren't good. She contracted it from blood transfusions she had had due to her lifelong severe anemia most likely when she gave birth to my brother (which was before blood was tested for things like hepatitis and aids) Despite the doctors efforts, she ended up passing away in July of 2001 after having been in a coma over a month. I was completely devastated. I miss her every single breath of every single day of my life. My dad was 70 by then and I was having to help him take care of everything (he didn't even know how to pay a bill!) My then fiancee got a job about six hours away from my hometown and we moved. Two years later, we convinced my dad to move in with us. His health was beginning to decline. He was diagnosed with COPD due to years and years of smoking. Over the years he steadily declined and I was beginning to fear the beginnings of alzheimers (his mother and older brother had it among others) but he passed away suddenly in March of this year. It was ruled natural causes. My brother and the two daughters from my dad's first marriage suddenly pop into the picture and want a say as to how I take care of my dad's remains. My dad had lived with me for about 4 years. I had made every decision for him financially, emotionally, physically and so on. But now all of a sudden, they had a say? They inisisted I had my dad creamated and his remains sent to his home state where the daughters lived. My dad had no life insurance and there was NO WAY I could afford this. I was having to borrow money just to pay for the cremation. So I was going to do things the way I best saw fit and have his remains placed at a veterans cemetary in my hometown (where he had lived over half his life) Of course he had no will. So I offered for us the split the creamains and they could do as they wished and I could do what I thought was right. They did not want this, they wanted all of the cremains but didn't want to pay for anything. This caused a huge drag out fight that was only resolved by my funeral director telling them that until they helped me pay things, then they had no right deciding how it was done. I payed for the whole thing and they still recieved half of the cremains. I have not heard from a single person since that was resolved seven months ago. I feel like an orphan now. My dad was the last family I had. As for my birth parents, I now know who they are. At the beginnning of this year, I was contacted by a girl who turns out to be my biological mother's oldest daughter. It turns out that my parents adopted me from people they knew. My biological aunt and uncle were very close friends with my mom and dad until there was some kind of falling out when I was still in preschool that I still don't know the details of. The little girl that I played with and went to her birthday parties and thought was just a friend was really my cousin. I was very confused at first. My parents knew who my biological mother was and didn't tell me?!?! But now I know that the reason my mom did it was because she was scared of them taking me back. My biological mother kept her first three children. Maybe after awhile, she would want me too. She wasn't trying to hurt me. She told me all the time that when I was ready, she would help me find my birth mother. My plan was to find her once I turned 18 but that's when my mom started getting really sick and I didn't ever want her to think for a second that I was wanting to replace her. I occasionally talk to my half sister and cousin through email. But haven't talked to my biological mother. If we ever make it back to our hometown, I'll probably try to meet up with them. It just doesn't feel like it will be the same though. My husband and I are busy working on trying to adopt and foster some children. My brother is out of my thoughts. I really don't even consider him my brother. My only ties to him were through my parents and now they're gone. But I miss my mom and dad so much it hurts. I think I'm hesitant to meet my biological mother for fear that it will be a let down. That we will never have the relationship that I had with my own mom. And evidently, the dad is not in the picture. I don't even know if she knows who he is to be honest. Anyway, I really just needed someplace to write down my story, my feelings. Thanks for listening.