Birth after being raped

First, welcome to the forums. I hear your dilemma. I was not raped so I can't speak to that other than to hope that you got counseling to help you deal with the rape itself. I suspect she does think of you, most adoptees seem to. Are there positive things about your family you can share as well as the negative stuff? Are you thinking of searching for your birth daughter? You have a little bit more information than you think, I suspect. Did you use an agency? Do you know the hospital (and it's location) where she was born? As far as telling her the truth of her conception, I believe in being honest. I also believe that the circumstances of our conceptions aren't as important as what we do with out lives. I wish you well in your search.

I think we need to heal the trauma of being raped.. Talk about it cry about it.. grieve what happened.. Then hopefully we are not thrown into the terrible time when it happened when something or someone reminds us.. Also if we learn the tools of getting right with oneself.. we can use the tools.. Jackie

Kathy, Yes I did get counseling and have healed a lot over the years. I have just registered with Search Angels to look for her, so we'll see what happens. It's scarey but I am hopeful and open to whatever comes my way. Thanks so much!

I was lucky and get to watch her grow up through updates. I think you definitely find her and I hope she changes your life the same way my little girl has blessed mine. She is and was the only thing that could heal me from the rape. She is so precious and her spirit is SO Good. I know God is her father and am not worried at all about it. After labor I got to spend a month with her, for legal reasons, and I was so so in love with her! When she popped out, she looked exactly like him (the rapist) I was shocked. Then she heard my voice and looked over at me from the little table they put the newborns on(?) and as soon as our eyes met I was hooked! I've never been so proud of anyone as I was of her. I wish I would of kept her a times now, i miss her every second...but I'm glad I gave her to the "best family ever" to raise.So I suggest it! Even if she does look like him, she's part you too. And I'm sure she would like to know she wasn't a mistake or not wanted too. And if she looked like him (as my daughter surely does) it is a miracle to see the good that can come from evil, when we just trust in God.Hope that kinda answers your question. I know I can go on, and on when I mention her...As far as searching goes...have you tried facebook? lol, but is she's anywhere in the 20-40 age range, she's probably on it. If not that, then try linked in?

Hi . I was told by my bmom that she was raped and that's why she gave me up. I often wondered if that caused her grief when she spoke to me or looked at my face. She passed away a couple of years ago. I am still trying to get a grip on the situation. I would love to converse with you, maybe we could offer each other some insight.

I probably would not explain that to her when you do find her until you establish the relationship a bit. It threw me off and I decided it had to be too painful to continue a relationship. I blew it, now I don't have the chance.

Oh please don't worry about that. If she is anything like me (and I think all moms have a few things we share) then she never would have anything but total love for you and at the thought of you. You are her daughter regardless of who the father is. I think I love her even more because she was the result of rape. She changed something bad into something more beautiful than I ever imagined. She is my little angel. The reason I placed her for adoption had nothing to do with rape. It was only financial reasons and the fact I wanted her to have a father she could count on. Let me know if you want to chat anymore. I don't see how a mother could not think about her child all the time. It's a biological link, that can never be broken. It may of been hard for her to vocalize her feeling with you, if she never had a way to resolve things or get help...but I'm almost positive she always felt it inside. I hope this helps. My daughter's face reminds me of no bad image at all. Her smile brings me such joy!

I just wrote a long reply, but lost it somehow. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I went through the same experience @ 23 years algo. I hope to locate my birthdaughter one day, as I was not fortunate to have an open adoption as I wanted to. It was not legal in my state back then. God bless you in whatever you decide. I only know her birthfather's name, so that's all I'd be able to tell her along with the fact that he did take a paternity test as a part of the criminal investigation that went nowhere. The DA did not think they would win the case because of who his father was, a prominent Dr. in the town where it happened, even though they believed me.

I am so sorry that you have to face this pain with such an perplexing question..."should I tell her?" Yes, but start off slowly. Please know that I never had bad feelings toward my mom about adoption at all. My first phone call to her caught her off guard so, she told me that she was not my mom. I'm sure she needed that time to sort out her feelings and figure out a way to explain to the bfamily that never even knew I exisited. The thing for me was that I worrried that she would always see 'his' face in mine. I withdrew from her because I felt that it was too painful for her, that I should not have looked her up and brought her so much pain. I did take the news of how I was conceived very hard. It was like a freight train hit me from behind when I wasn't looking. I think my two half brothers took the news much harder and I still don't think they've come to terms with it after all these years. My mom passed away a couple of years after we met. I do wish we had more time to talk about it. The crazy thing is that I still wanted to know who my father was, good, bad or whatever. Weird huh? Please know that your daughter will probably just be happy to meet you! The truth will be hard to explain so take your time. All women take rape VERY SERIOUSLY. It's a tough topic to cover in any conversation. Just be honest and factual without dumping the pain in her lap. Don't offer the gory details. My son did not do well hearing my story of why I gave him up. It wasn't a situation like this, but depressing just the same. No kid wants to feel like their mom is hurting because of anything that had to do with them. Let her know that she is the beautiful gift that made up for a really bad situation. Remember....protect her emotions and her self worth, she will have many negative thoughts in her head but only you can provide the love and compassion that she needs and will truly relate to. You are her mom, always have been and always will be. Just be strong, patient and there to listen, no matter how painful the conversation gets and things will work out. I'm here if you need a friend. And again, I am so very sorry for all you have been thru.

RC3,Thanks for your insight. It's very helpful to understand what our birthchildren are thinking in this equation. I have always said that I wanted my birth daughter to know that she was always loved by our side of the family. She was truly a beautiful baby & I only saw the good in her. I did spend time with my bd (2 different overnight/weekend visits) while she was waiting to be adopted, so a lot of my Mom's side of the family saw her. I took photos which I still cherish to this day. Everyone (except my own father) was conflicted about my decision to give her up. I stayed at my grandparent's home during our visits because my father would not allow me to do it at our house. I even had an aunt who lived in another state volunteer to raise her so that she would stay with our family, however it wouldn't change the fact that she would be bi-racial & we would eventually have to explain to her sooner than later who/what her father really was, & I had no idea how I would ever do that, not to mention I would have been extremely jealous. Ironically, all I know about her adoptive parents is that they were both Black & they already had a young son, so I'm sure they had to tell her anyway that she is bi-racial & adopted because she looks so different than them. I just hold out hope that we'll find each other one day & that she's be receptive to what I have to say & that she believes me about wanting to build a friendship with her. May I ask how your bmom revealed the circumstances to you? In my case I have thought I'd tell her it was an "aquaintance rape" situation when I was a freshman in college. It was a brother/sister floor weekend away & her bfather was the brother of the Resident Assisstant from our "brother dorm". We were staying at their family lake cabin in another town, far away from our college. It was someone I'd only met that night & who I thought I could trust, but was wrong. The only other thing I want her to know was that I was only 17 when it happened & had not been drinking, which is why it launched the campus investigation & while my father made me file a criminal report against him.I'm just wondering if that is too much information to tell her, or if that would be a "safe" approach. Again thanks for having the courage to post out here. Goldie88, I hope my story & questions helps you as well.

As the child of a mother with similar experience i can only offer you my opinion, my mother refused to see me when i traced her for the same reasons you have mentioned. She died earlier this year never understanding that i loved her as if she had never given me up, i was told about he rape a year ago but have always known that was the reason. I look like my mother and have no idea what my father looks like, i do however have most of my mothers ideas, likes and dislike according to my Sisters. So Please look for your daughter as i am sure she will not disappoint you. Good luck Dave

Hi 01Bmom, First, please just let me say I am so sorry for your pain and anyone else here who is going thru a similar situation. My bmom basically told me that I must have wrong info because she was not my mom. And she always wanted a little girl, but never had one. We talked for a few, said goodbye and hung up the phone. That had to be one of the strangest calls I've ever had... About a week or so later, she called me (she must have had caller ID) and said she was raped. She worked with him at a department store and he attacked her in a dressing room. She said that she heard he was dead, but couldn't remember his name. She never told a soul about me. Not my bros, my grandma, her sister, husband...no one. I could not imagine holding something like that in and have a child in the world and never talk to anyone about it. Tough times back then, as well. Not something people spoke of. I'm not able to put all of the pieces together though. My uncle said he remembered her pregnant and happy. She couldn't wait to have the baby and then told him she lost the baby. I have pix of her pregnant w/ me though. It's kinda cool. She did look happy. I'm still very torn up and confused aabout the whole thing and am not sure how you should approach things. It all depends on the kid. My son did not handle the truth of things well. I'm not sure he ever will. Get to know her first and hold off as long as you can on the telling stuff that is going to break her heart. Cuz it will, either way. Hard but true. No girl wants to think of herself as the product of such a horrible and evil thing done to the most important woman of her existance - by the other most important part of her existance - her father. I know she loved me beacuse she could have made "other" choices, but she didn't. She will understand that it's something that is going to take you time to explain. And the thoughts are probably going to be there no matter what at least at first. You can work thru it all with love and patience, though.

well the reason i came on here is because i am looking for the sibling to this man that i know. He told me that in california in 1965 or 66 his babysitter was raped by his father and he found out that the young babysitter gave up the baby. He thought that the child was a boy...to make a long story short, his mother stayed with his father after the rape. His dad just recently died. He told his mother that he would like to find his half brother that was given up for adoption. Now his mother wont give him much information, except that the babysitters name was ray or ray and she had the baby and it was a boy and she gave it up for adoption in either 1965 66 or 67, This happened in Lancaster California. If anyone knows about this case please contact me at mudbug7777@yahoo.com. thank you