I miss my mom... :( :(

I feel your pain. Even though my birthmother died, I still feel those feelings towards her and my birthdad. And I too despise my birthday for the pain of knowing another year has gone by and he hasn't come and that it's another year that I have to spend it with my adoptive family. When is your birthday? I'm sure it's sometime really soon or it already passed. Just know that there are others who really truly understand what you're going through. :)

I am so sad that you feel this way. It makes me sad that adoption is so painful for the child who has been adopted. I am an adoptive parent and I would hate to think that my child was so sad about their bio parent being lost. What is there that I can do for her? Do you know any details? Can you go and find your parents?

yea, didi20, do you know any information about her? do you have a picture at all? do you know the reason why you were put up for adoption?chickymum, thanks for acknowledging that adoptees do feel pain! too many aparents want to believe their adopted kid will never think or ask about their birth parents. Do you know any information about your child's birth parents? If you ever want any advice on dealing with the birth parent factor with your child, don't ever hesitate to ask me!

It is very common for many adopted people to feel extremely sad about the loss of their bio parents. You can start by learning more about adoption loss - there are many good books available, eg. "Being Adopted" by Brodzinsky, or "Journey of the Adopted Self" by Betty Jean Lifton. The better you understand the emotional dynamics and the tremendous loss that many adoptees feel, the better you'll be able to acknowledge and support your adopted child's pain rather than deny and run away from it, like so many people do.

If she outwardly expresses sorrow and pain, (or even if you think she inwardly does, whatever), just letting her know that it's OKAY to grieve is a huge thing!too often us adoptees, as our "adoptee fog" is lifted, we feel all these new emotions of lostness and we turn to the people in our lives for support and they in return just tell us to "get over it" or "be grateful for what you do have" or "it's not that bad". adoption is the only trauma in the world where the victim is supposed to be grateful for what happened to them.just acknowledging what she's going through will mean a lot.

Hi there, I am a birthmother and your post broke my heart. I do find it very interesting what you said above, because that is EXACTLY what I was told after I gave up my son for adoption 28 years ago. You never "get over it". My son is not an "it" or some trauma to get over, he was and still is my baby, my first-born. Everyone has their own reasons for adoption, but I personally feel that I made a horrible decision to give up my son for adoption. However, I cannot go back and change what happened. I was very young, but that does not mean I did not love him, do not love him. There has not been one day in 28 years I have not thought about him. I did not make my decision because it was the easiest thing for me, really, at the time, I whole-heartedly felt that it was what was best for HIM. I know that I made a decision that affected his entire life when I was only 16 but at the time I thought it was the right decision. I never realized that he would feel like I didn't love him when what I did was completely and totally out of my love for him. I never wanted him to feel unloved or unwanted, I never wanted him to think he was some kind of inconvenience to me. But I do believe that is exactly what happened, even though his aparents are wonderful and love him with all their heart. I know he has very little self love-he has told me so, and I know it is because of me and my decision as a naive 16 year old. I do have to say that I am guilty, feel guilty, but this is the life we live and we have to learn to live it with love for each other and for ourselves. If your birthmother is anything like me, she is not living a carefree life without ever thinking of you. Every child that would be the age you are, she looks at and wonders-'is that her'? She misses you just as much as you miss her. Yes, adoption was HER decision, not yours, but noone is unaffected. If she is anything like me, she has grown used to being sad every single day of her life. She yearns for you, she misses you, she aches for you. Believe me, you are not forgotten. You cannot grow a child inside of you for 9 months without loving that baby, knowing that baby, and mourning the fact that even though you are that baby's mother, you will not raise it. I hope one day you find your birthmother and hopefully that will bring you some peace. And I hope you don't mind me chiming in from the birth-mother side of the triad.

Thank you all for the support...my birthday was on december 20 and it was awful...i fought with my friends because they never understand that i want to be alone and how much it hurts me...i pushed away my feelings for a while but i am still heartbroken...i miss my bmom every minute of every day of my life...i wonder if i've ever seen her and not known...i am having an especially hard time this past month because i get angry and sad knowning that this is the only time we have "together" i look foward to it and dread it....i'm also battling an ED and this has just put me over the edge lately...i am completely devestated and heartbroken...i miss her to much it kills me...i hate loving someone so much and feeling like a part of me is missing...without ever meeting her...i have no pictures...no name and i am internationally adopted from south korea...i know she was only 20 when i was born and that i am the product of a "one night stand" or such and she worked in a paint factory that's about it...i feel so much pain and saddness and as i grow up i have realized that i am not able to allow myself to love anyone...not even myself...i hate this and don't know how to fix it because its not even conscious....i hate being told to celebrate and be grateful for what i have because i am and i do know that...i am just sad that this amazing woman who brought me into this world has never come back for me and i love her and miss her every day and feel incomplete...i don't know what else to do...i know that in order to reach recovery from my ED i must find peace with this but it just seems completely impossible...all i've ever wanted was a hug from my bmom telling me that she has always loved me and misses me everyday and i feel like that's they only thing that will make it all ok....

LasVegasMom, wow. thank you so much for sharing. and that's an understatement, and i'd say more, but it's nearly 3:30am right now. can't really think!so my mom died while giving birth to me, and my dad i hope is still alive. here is my latest journal entry. i just finished it a minute ago. doesn't make much sense grammatically, but who gives a ****. thought i'd share it:How is one supposed to grieve the loss of their mother? Who was separated from them at birth, who never got a chance to say I love you, with the child remembering. How does one go through life without feeling her touch? Hear her voice. See her face. How do they face each day, looking in the mirror, wondering what she looked like? Wishing they had grown up with her standing behind them, brushing their hair, showing them how to do their makeup. Wishing their mom shared their laugh. Shared their love for shopping, their same personality ( less than 1% of the population has same personality as me…kinda lonely), their same love for animals, their same love for books, imagination, rose petals. How does one grow, from a young child, to an “adult”, without but a fantasy of their mother? How do you, as a child, sit in school, hoping she will suddenly appear, interrupt the instructor, point at you, and say, “that’s my daughter. I’ve come to take her home.” How do you, as a teenager, cry silently every night, for the mother who would understand your anguish.Who would stand by you, assure you as you stare at your pimply face, that this is just a phase, that your face will look like theirs soon. How do you, as a teenager, see not a single soul that looks remotely like you. How do you not feel so utterly alone? How do you, as a young adult, attempt to focus on your college studies, as you gaze out the window, wishing to see her face. How do you celebrate yet another birthday, another Christmas, another day the sun rises, wondering if your family is out there somewhere. How do you rise in the morning, hoping your father is still alive. How do you survive yet another sleepless night, scared that if you fall asleep, this day might have been his last, and you have not found him. How do you look at families who obviously are biologically related, and not feel robbed of your deepest and most heart wrenching desire-to grow and love and live with your own family. How do you cope? How do you possibly cope and function for 20 years with these thoughts? These desires? These emotionally exhausting days, months, years-a whole life? How would a non-adoptee even attempt to fathom how it is to live on borrowed existence? To silently cry and scream for your mom? To wish everyday for your dad? To hear the phrase “now that we adopted you, our family is complete” yet to silently add, “but don’t you know if you take one person to complete one family, another was ripped apart”. To hear the phrase “we love you as our daughter” but silently sob “I love you but I just want my real mom”?. To live a life silenced. To hear someone compliment a friend on how they look just like their mother, and know you will never hear those words. To look at a “family” picture, and immediately see you, the only one without the same eyes, smile, skin color. it ends abruptly, but i just let it all out, with no corrections, adjustments. and i think it's a good one.

India and Didi, Your pain is so great, it is so hard to hear how much pain you bear because of your adoption. I will be honest, as a birthmother, it is really really hard to hear how deep your wounds are, how primal they are. I always thought I was helping my son by relinquishing him (I know better now) but your writing is so raw that I can literally FEEL your pain. Listen to me, you need to do something to help yourself-start some therapy, and definitely start a search for your birthfamily if you haven't already. You do have a bio family out there somewhere, and they may not be the perfect family, but they are related to YOU, look like YOU, and probably even act like YOU. My son touched on some of the things your writings talk about such as not looking like anyone, not acting like anyone, and his aparents told him the same thing-"our family is complete" I never looked at it in the way you say-one family complete, one family ripped to shreds. It is tough to see in writing but it is so true! You are obviously a very smart girl, you have that in your genes, you are very brave for letting all your emotions show and really letting it all out, you remember that you got that from somewhere. You need to TRY and find some happiness within yourself. Your aparents and even your bio family will not ever give you peace if you don't have peace within yourself. I feel a very strong connection to you, even with your brutal honesty. I'll be honest with you, even though I do believe that anyone who chooses adoption do so with a good heart, adoption sucks. It leaves so many unanswered questions and open wounds and only those directly in the triad-birthparents, adoptee, aparents, truly know the hurt, confusion, and pain it can cause. Please feel free to post or send me a private message at any time, I'm here to listen to you both.

wow lasvegasmom,I nearly cried when I read your post. Other people have tried to give me advice, but I don't know, it seems different coming from a birthmother. It seems more genuine. And just hearing words from a birthmother is very comforting, weird, but strangely comforting.I agree, adoption royally sucks. People should be interviewed extensively if they're interested in adopting-babies and little kids aren't blank slates. These children have a history, a family, feelings, they grow up juggling two worlds. Prospective aparents should read all and everything, good and bad, about adopting, before they make a huge decision of raising someone else's child. All the love in the world won't make the pain go away...but all the love in the world will show the child that they're there for them.How did you find your son? Was it an open adoption? If you don't mind my asking, how is your relationship with him? Do you spend his birthday with him?

No, it was not an open adoption. My ob-gyn arranged it-this was back in 1980 and things were really different. I knew a few things about him from signing the papers. I ached for him over the years, longed to know him, but I was told that I was never supposed to look for him, that if he wanted to find me, he would (horrible advice, btw). Anyhow, he found me last year, he had some information that helped him but it was all him. He was so nervous making that first call but there was no issue at all. I have 2 other children-19 and 16-who had no idea they had a brother but they were thrilled when I told them about him. That first call, we spoke for 3 hours and I was at work! Then he came here for 3 weeks! We spent last christmas and new years together, it was magical. We got very very close very quick. He has alot of addiction and anger issues, but anyhow, he moved his family out to be closer to us and only lasted 6 months-he literally ran back to his a family 2 months ago and he has cut me off. His wife speaks to me almost daily, I speak to my grandkids, but he won't speak to me. My daughter in law says his amom has a stronghold on him and she says things like, don't talk about HER (me)-he is just trying to forget her (ah, good luck with that-he could be my male twin). I know in my heart he can't forget me, he has wanted me his entire life but as I have since read reunion is a tough road. This is where I need to be the strong one and let him have his space, and hopefully he will realize I love him no matter what, will be here for him no matter what, and I'm not going anywhere. I believe he is testing me and is also not wanting to hurt his amom who apparently thinks he can turn his feelings on and off for me like a faucet. This is why I say reunion may not be all you think it will be, so please be careful. As for birthdays, yes, we spent both his 28th bday and my 45th bday together this last year. I made him a cake, a funfetti cake, which is what I do for all my kids, and he is my kid. It's funny, he is more like me than my 2 kids I raised. Genetics are an amazing thing. I am praying things will work out with us, I love him so very very much. Please please stay in touch, I would love to help you in any way I can on your journey. You said you are in school, what are you studying? I have a psychology degree and an MBA and work as a media executive.

Hello lady's Well this blog has hit me in a very strange way, i feel frustrated any of you feel this way more frustrated that one day my child will feel these very same things and knowing i was the root of it kills me. I am a birth mother when i read these post i think allot on them before i say anything cause it hurts adoption is a strange thing birthmoms feel pain as do the child being adopted its like a war were noone can win but fight for all the right reasons..(Right) i as a birthmother when i gave up my child killed me in many many ways when i held her i was at peace knowing she would have a great life, thinking now as i see a fool she would have a better compleat life fulfilled with a real and loveing family. I must say imho a birth mother never forgets the smell or feel of her child the way he or she cryed i know i would lay awake many nights and think dose she remeber me my smell dose she look like me think like me and act like me, very often i closed my eyes to sleep and would think of her cry(at that time its all i had) and i could rest..Im not sure the point of my story i guess all i want you to know is its in us to feel this way on either end no matter the situation at hand you were once her child and she was once your mother nothing in the world could make her forget that or for that matter forget you. All days were special to me not just her birthday i would think of her when i heard a baby, saw a baby as she grew in years when i was at the park or hugging a friend i would think of her how would it feel how dose she look and so on. Its kinda a haunting nightmare but without the scary monster just the empty dream. I hope one day you get your answers your a sweet person just in allot of pain please know you are not alone, not in this world and not in your thoughts. God bless you :grouphug:

Dear LasVegasMom and Monster,Thank-you so much for sharing your feelings. I so hear your pain and can understand how birthmothers relinquish their babies in honest hope that it's the best thing for the child. When I'd learned of what had happened to my (now passed away) birthmom and the pain she suffered before and after she relinquished me, it truly broke my heart. And having talked with birthmothers via a local post-adoption support group, I've come to learn more about the pain that birthmothers endure. Adoption is so complex and painful for so many people. Hopefully at least knowing that we can share our feelings, that we're not alone and that others understand and empathize will help ease the pain. It does for me. Hopefully it will be for you too.