looking for your thoughts on adopting an older chilod

Children with attachment disorder may never be "fine". Post on the SPECIAL NEEDS board before going forward with your adoption of this 12 year old. RAD is a serious diagnosis and sometimes (most times) healing never happens and the child never attaches. Love and therapy can cure many things-but attachment issues are a whole 'nother ballgame. There are many parents there who love their children and could never imagine life without them- but..the struggles are not for the faint of heart I had a four year old with attachment issues. It's harder than you can imagine. As hard as you think it's going to be, it's a billion times harder. Please, before bringing her home, educate yourself on attachment issues.

I was in fostercare from age 10 - 18, I am now 52 years old. I know that things have changed a bit since my day, but here is my story and opinion none the less, I bounced from one foster home to another, including a stint in McKinley's Boy's Home in San Dimas, CA until my last foster family took me in at age 14 years 6 months. This was my last foster home. I was a healthy kid, no ADHD or anger issues, I hadn't yet gotten into trouble with the law or done any drugs. But I did chronically ditch school and my grades were horrible. The reason, I just didn't care - I couldn't have articulated it at the time, but I was depressed. I felt abandoned, unloved, and I just didn't care much about anything. I am told that my last foster parents saw a "godness in me" and that is why they chose me to take in. Their reason for being a foster parent was to fill a loss in their lives from the death of their own son, and to find a helper for an aging construction contractor who was semi-retired and wanted an apprentice to teach in the summers and weekends. The experience for both of us was not without many trials and tribulations associated with teenage years, but; I felt wanted for the first time in my life. I had my own room for the first time I could remember. And I was living in an upper middle class neighborhood whcih reminded me a little of the TV shows Dennis the Menace, Leave It To Beaver and Father Knows Best. I had previously lived in lower icome rough neighborhoods wher gangs, drugs, and fear permeated the streets. I wanted to stay here and it seemed they wanted me to also. So I worked hard to please them. I attended school regularly, my grades skyrocketed upwards, and as they had planned, I began to learn a trade during summer breaks and weekends. By the time I was 16 1/2, I had earned enough money to buy a 1967 Chevy Impala, by far the coolest car on campus. I graduated early from high school and joined a trade union to begin a formal apprenticeship. This family never adopted me, but i did them. Shortly after turning 18, I changed my name to theirs. I have been successfully employed for over 30 years at the trade I was taught, and today I am the national director for a pre-apprenticeship program that works with disadvantaged youth. You ask is it worth it to adopt an older child. My bio parents each went on to have several other children, all of them ended up in fostercare. Two are dead as a result of drugs and one is in jail. The others, well its been hard to keep up with the number of divorces and rehab stories I've heard. What htat family did for this 14 year old boy is nothing short of saving my life. I'd say that is worth it...

For all of us dealing with the wonders and hardships of older child adoption, it is wonderful to hear from someone for whom it all worked out. One of the earlier posts mentioned that the posting you see here are from those currently experiencing issues, as those with few issues have no reason to look at this part of the forum. In my case, this is COMPLETELY true!! I did not find this board until about 2 years after everything went kablooie (which was a total of 4 years after I first met my kids, and we are now starting on our 7th year of knowing each other). I too for the first 3 years told everyone I knew that it was not that hard, that the kids had adjusted well, and everything was working out great. But again as someone earlier in the thread stated, there were signs that I did not understand. The main truism in my experience is that, when they start trusting you is when you BEGIN to learn about the worst stuff, and is also when you begin to experience a lot of the behaviors. Until then, they are worried you might abandon them, so they stay in anxious state (and are very good at hiding it) for a very long time - which they've become so used to since before they even met you that they do not even realize it's there. UNTIL they start to learn to trust and relax, which then scares them - they are not used to trusting! Of my 3 kids, one had the worst of it all, and she was the most difficult one to deal with for years. Unfortunately, she manipulated the other 3 for years and it wasn't until she left at age 18 that the others calmed down. We now have what I would call a pretty normal life with vastly fewer ups and downs. It "only" took about 3 years of living hell to get here, but now that we are here, neither DH nor I would ever reverse the decision to adopt. What I would say is: 1. Learn everything you can about RAD. Try to find a support group for parents of RAD children & listen to them talk about their daily strugges. It's very different to read words than it is to truly witness the struggles. Many foster-adopt kids have some degree of attachment issues/RAD. It just comes out in different ways depending on severity. 2. Find a therapist who (a) REALLY knows about trauma and PTSD and (b) will truly work with you. Someone who works every day in a hospital adolescent ward is a good starting point. Ask if their sessions will include you (they should for at least a few minutes each time, either at beginning or end, if for nothing else to get a synopsis of the week from your perspective) 3. Get all the subsidy and medical insurance (medicaid, etc) you can prior to signing adoption agreement. Medicaid picks up the balance after your private insurance has paid (if you ever have to have hospitalization). This alone has saved us more than $40k in bills. 4. Don't limit yourself to medicaid therapists. Many are overworked. Plan on using private insurance, which is usually limited to ten/twenty visits a year. This may not be enough (my kids go every week, and have for some time). 5. Pay attention to early bonding signs/patterns. The best part is it feels great! But the hard part is, it is probably an attachment disordered behavior. The kids will try hardest to bond to the role that most scares them. (e.g., if bdad is abusive, kid will try harder to bond to ADad and may leave Amom out in the cold). Triangulation/manipulation is a HUGE issue with these kids and they are good at it. If you find there are disagreements/issues (with DH, teachers, family, etc) this is probably going on out of sight but having an impact. Force it to the surface so it dies in the light. 6. Your kids will not be ready to tell you the real story for a long time, and as hard as it is, you'll have to respect this. They have to heal on their timeline. 7. Meet with the schools before you adopt. Some schools are very supportive, some are less so. You'll need to figure this out. If you sense issues, find an education advocate to help you. (If your child already has an IEP in place, this will help a lot). 8. Go on DATES with DH and no kids. Your marriage will need it. No matter the kids behavior. Find adults now who can help with this.

I"m just bumping this one up, for anyone contemplating an older adoption (me), this is a good read.

great info, thanks for bumping! mudpro & sundara: particularly helpful in specificity and in hope. thanks.

I'm glad this one came back up, too. I've been too busy to post, but I thoroughly believe my earlier post on this thread. We've now had our middle girl for one year and her progress has been astonishing. She's 12 now. She had an "alphabet soup" of diagnosis when she came to us and was heavily medicated. Our school assessed her at 2 years behind her grade level 11 months ago, and that was on top of the year she had been held back. A week ago, her trimester grades were all A's, 1 B, and a C in science. This year was the first year she's ever taken science, because previously she was always pulled out for extra time with reading and math. We didn't do anything heroic, we just love her and accept her completely. Our strategies are unconventional vs. those used by most conventional parents and those strategies were learned through a lot of training with the state. Oh, and she's on zero medication with no behavior problems at school and minimal at home. (With 5 kids, I get cranky at home too!) So, to all those on the fence reading this - yes you can make a difference and help these kids. I believe that with all my heart.

Great questions, and you're right, you do hear some negative stories. We adopted our son when he was 10. We actually brought him home about a month before turning 11. He was behind in school (a couple of grades because he started school late). Some parents might be horrified to have their child behind two grades. It was not a big deal to us, and he fit socially in that grade, more so than being with kids his actual age. He has always been the sweetest boy and I can't imagine life without him. He is 14 (almost 15) now and is maturing nicely and catching up in all areas. Looking back we wish we would have bumped him up a grade, because now it is too late (because he is from Russia). He is very smart and makes A's and B's, but would not be able to score more than 90% in reading and writing, which he would need to do to move up. We feel like we have always had him. He is the biggest blessing. Have we had some rough times? Yes. But 90% has been good. In all of the older child adoptions I have seen, so much depends on the wiring of the child and how the parent responds to the child. An older adopted child also needs more attention than their peers, but most of them LOVE hanging out with family. So if you are willing to engage with them in things they like to do you can attach and connect, but of course it takes time. We just finished playing Catch Phrase with him tonight after his homework. I highly recommend adopting an older child! We are in process of our second! Hope this helps!

Sadly the limited information available on children is hard to know what kind of issuesthe kids are dealing with. We have adopted three older kids my recommendations are be prepared for a child that has been abused most likely sexually. Be prepared for at least some attachment issues the more moves the more likely this is to be an issue at least to some degree. Ask yourself what issues your open to? Which special needs?Reading issues? Speech? written expression? kids with Fetal alcohol exposure? ADHD? Downs? Behavior issues? Kids that test the limits all the time? Kids that really want to be a part of a family help some in bonding to a new family.Make sure if you have pets that the child or children have NO known issues with animal abuse. Ask if they set fires? Sexual acting out? Hording of food? Overeating? What are they afraid of? On meds? If yeswhat and why? do they have an IEP for school? Yes then what for and you want a copy. Can you handle low IQ? Kids that steal? Lie?All will do this some but others have ongoing long term issues with lieing and or stealing or both. We had a foster child steal thousands from us by taking our bank card debit card we had no idea he got it how many times and that he knew our pin so be careful. somany others ask yourself lots of questions and if they have a therapist You want to speak to them and any past foster parents or caregivers. Medical professionals etc. Best wishesTerrie in Nebraska

:clap: That IS the best piece of advice! An older child has already formed their personality. They will not talk like you, think like you, or behave like you! AND THEY MOST CERTAINLY WILL NOT COME INTO YOUR HOME, LOOK UP AT YOU WITH AN ANGELIC GRIN AND SAY "OH THANK YOU MOMMY FOR TAKING ME IN AND MAKING ME YOUR CHILD, FOR LOVING ME AND WORKING YOUR BUTT OFF TO TAKE OF ME!" Sorry, not happening. I have to say, before my first placement of older children, I did not understand this in the least. I really thought those boys (ages 10 and 11)would be thankful to have such a safe and happy home. THEY WERE NOT. They were wonderful and loveable, but not the least bit thankful!

My kids are wonderful, I am a piece of work!

We are about to adopt our two sons, placed with us at 11 and 13. It is, as others have said, the most challanging thing I have ever done - our kids spent 3 years in foster care (as well as time when they were little), come from a hx of neglect, had a disrupted adoption prior to us - considering they are stuningly intact emotionally but they can certainly be a handful. They have the intellect of far older kids (both are gifted) but the emotional maturity of far younger kids. They also both have chronic, life shortening health conditions - so life can be a rotating door of medical treaments, appointments, and negotiating with a teenager about just how much he handles and how much we do. Since becoming their Mom I have spent a lot of time counting to 10 in my head, and taking DEEP breaths. That said, I am overwhelmingly happy. I did not know I could love another person as much as I love them and it has absolutaly been worth everything we went through to get them and all the counting to ten I do now. There is something just amazing about seeing yourself through your kids eyes, and when this hurt scared teenager one day decides he trust you enough to call you Mom it is like no other feeling in the world. I am SO glad we decided to get over our fears and do this :)

I have adopted two older children. One was almost ten and her adoption has been a huge blessing in my life. She has had some issues, but with the right therapist, she is overcoming them. She is happy and well adjusted. We are coming up on her four year adoption anniversary. My other daughter was almost 12 when I adopted her. Hers has not been an easy path. There were red flags from the beginnings that I should have paid closer attention to. She is currently in a treatment center getting help for her intense anger. It is likely that social services will take physical custody of her soon as she is not safe to be with us. My advice would be to know what you can and can not do as parents. If something does not feel right, speak up. You have to learn to advocate not only for the child, but also for yourself. Make sure you find support groups that will be supportive when things are not going well. Be open about what is going on. I made the mistake of keeping everything away from my family because I did not want them to know how much we were struggling. I do believe in the power of adoption. I do think these children can become a part of a family if, and only if, all the issues are put on the table and everyone is honest. Sometimes love and support are NOT enough.

What a blessing it is to be able to be up front and honest, I hope the original poster was strong enough to hear you.

I went to live with my adoptive family during sixth grade. Before sixth grade, I alternated living with a paranoid schizophrenic birth mom (no birth dad around-divorced) and an aunt/uncle who abused me emotionally and sexually. I also lived with two short term placements before sixth grade. I was fairly depressed during my teen years, and still struggle with anxiety and depression, but meds and therapy have been a godsend. I was very introverted. Didn't come out of my shell until college. A sister of mine also adopted around sixth grade. She was the same as I. Quiet and introverted. Depressed. we were both pretty passive agressive. I also have several other siblings who are adopted. A few as babies, but several as older children. The only two who have extreme anger issues are bipolar. And they were adopted as infants. not as older children. I have two sisters adopted from Russia (they are not blood related to each other). One had huge issues with lying, stealing, promisicuity, attachment. But she was sneaky and manipulative about it. I don't believe she did any of the raging that I read about. My other sister from Russia suffers from depression. But I don't believe she had anger issues. I have two brothers adopted from Asia during elementary school ages. They had huge anxiety. Would scream quite a bit. my mom put up with a lot of wailing. I'm assuming RAD takes on different forms with different children. But I'm reading so much about RAD that it confuses me. Being an older child adopted, with several siblings adopted as older children, I'm shocked at how many children these days suffer from anger issues and ferocious meltdowns. we had a lot of emotional problems in my family, don't get me wrong. but i didn't rage or freak out. most of us internalized stuff. Am I to assume it is mainly from drug and alcohol exposures? All my siblings suffered from great loss and trauma. I think a lot of us did a lot of lying, but most of us have outgrown it. It was a coping skill. You never trust anyone. It took me many years to bond with my parents. I think I was married before I realized I trusted them. And that was just the beginning of the trust. Even though they were there for me and the only stability I knew in my life. It was no reflection on them. When you go through years of distrust and betrayal, it takes more years than that to realize that not all people are out to hurt you or take advantage of you. I still tend to be cynical, but I am more open to people and family asking me how I am doing, and realize that they are not trying to be intrusive and overbearing. They are merely asking because they care. It takes a lot to get to that point. I'm sharing this just to provide a little insight as to the life of my adoptive family. It was a rocky road sometimes, but I'm glad my parents took it. I owe them my life.

p.s. i did have two siblings adopted as young toddlers. their birthmom used drugs. one of them would scream for hours and hours at a time. he would smear food all over the counters and walls. it took him years to quit screaming. now he is doing really well. it really can work out.