Fostering a Teenager and her baby

Hello, Im still very young but i have afriend like this, i grew up very fast and also get very frustrated with her childlike behavior. i know she has a kid and is young and the dad is well a gonner. She also gets frustrated and mean sometimes with the baby, I imho i think a mommy and me class would be good for her somewhere were she can learn good parenting without you being the bad guy i hear it helps her allot realize where when and why the baby acts the way it dose kinda opened her eyes to why a baby needs attention and why a schedule is good ya know what i mean? Also she lived with her mother who at one point got tierd of being the babys mother and told her i will take the baby for 4 to 5 hours a week to give you a break nothing more till i see fit use it wisely. Well at first she abuse it then started school and work 2 days for school 4 for work she came to realize that 5 hours was needed for home work and some rest so mom helped a little more as she improved, i know long but i hope to help. She now has a good job and lives with a really good guy who helps her grow up allot and spends time with the baby. Also my point of view get her to realize a baby is not selfish she is. the room is not just for you its for both her and the baby she made a choice to keep and raise her it comes with good and bad some times, try to help her see both sides so one side dose not out way the other..OK ok this is what i would want done to me if i were her may or may not work just an outside look at things. Life must be hard for her stuck in a rut with a looser and a baby now no looser just baby it will take time when you get frustrated think she could be out there somewhere else unstable but also tough love is good love boy do i know that now. I wish you and her best of luck sometimes maybe invite her for a chat while you clean or whatever let her watch you and see how you like things or just how to do it make her present when your with the baby maybe she is afraid to ask i just dont know what im doin??? She can learn from you this is my hope. Anyhow ill be done i hope i helped in some way.:grouphug:

Thanks for your reply. I think I read somewhere else where someone said they would offer their teen 1 time per month of babysitting for personal time, and the other time for work/school only. I may try that attempt. Which would actually give me some leverage. I'm not her mother, and she is a legal adult so I can't punish perse. But I can take a way certain priveledges that are mine to give/take (ie: such as a home to live in, a computer to use, or my babysitting time). As far as mommy & me class, I will actually say that she is overall a good mom, she knows how to care and what to do, and we do have a very good relationship and she spends time with me and my boys. She has even given them all baths together a few times and helped with meals. But she's pretty lazy around the house, and very lazy about waking up in the morning. She doesn't now how to fill her time with productive activities. When she is being lazy, I am still very curious at how far I can take it for advice. At one point should I intervene. Like, should I wake her up if she doesn't get up on her own to feed the baby breakfast? One thing she likes to do is depend on a bottle. Both my boys were bottle broke at 12 months, "M" is not, which is not necessarily wrong. But I don't think she should use hte bottle to pacifier just because she is too lazy to give her solid food or attention that she truely needs. Like I said, right now our relationship is very strong, and I think it would take a lot to disrupt that. I'm wondering how far I can "parent" her before it hurts that relationship.

Gald i could be of some help, Well imho I think if you approach her as an adult and as her friend from what you say you two are close and should be able to talk just say to her (i feel) that your sleeping and feeding schedule for the baby is off it should be close to the same time each day, also a bottle is hard to break the longer you gone on. being this is her first and from what i gather her mother didnt explain much to her maybe she just needs a little guidance since she seems to have the grasp of being a great mother. I guess sometimes we just need a little push in the right direction :flower: good luck i think all will be well and have a great outcome its great you are willing to help her.

thanks again for the response. she's been visiting her mom for a couple of days this week and will be back tomorrow. I'm looking forward to working with her on an ongoing plan including her lifeplan (work/school amongst other things), and our daily living plan including chores and responsibilities.

So she's working, going to school, being financially responsible, parenting her baby, leaving an abusive situation, and overall being a pleasant tenant. There's some room for improvement in her parenting skills and a lot of room for improvement on her housekeeping skills. She is agreeable and you have a strong and positive relationship. You want to know how you can see improvement in the parenting and especially in the housekeeping areas without hurting that relationship. I would say to choose your priority and only address that because if you spread out your focus too far, you risk losing focus of what's really important which is what she's already doing. When she gets back, you could address her in a polite and respectful manner like you would any tenant you trusted."Sharon, I am really proud of you! You are going to school, working a job, and being a good mother to Mary and it is a pleasure having you in our house. I want you to know that we love you."Then later you can mention, "I know you have a lot on your plate right now and I want you to focus on school and Mary. I could really use some help with the housework and I'm sure you could use some time to yourself. Would you be willing to discuss a trade where I'll watch Mary for 3 hours a month if you'll do 3 hours of housework? If you did about 5 minutes a day, like cleaning the toilet in your bathroom or putting up your clothes, I could watch her one Saturday or whenever you'd like so you could just enjoy some free time."Then you need to accept your agreement and appreciate if she keeps it, not trying to tack on baby care or making the bed or whatever else is bugging you the next week. There will still be room for improvement, but she has many years to grow into it and she seems to be doing a mighty fine job all things considered.

I have a little bit of experience on this end of things.Before I was a foster parent I had two experiences living with a teenage mom and baby. The first was great, the second was awful.In the first, I was 25/26 and had a new roommate who was engaged. She was 18. After a month she announced that not only was she breaking off her engagement (the guy was not worth being with in my opinion) she was pregnant. She lived with me throughout the entire pregnancy and the first year of the baby's life before she got married to someone else.We were roommates but also really really good friends (most of the time), but I was definetly older and wiser and even when it came to kids, even though I didn't have one, I had a lot of experience with them. We did a lot of trading off. I helped her with the baby, she helped me with something. We talked a lot about what her share was vs. what my share was. We would occassionaly have some major disagreements but it worked out well. Being that we started out as roommates had expectations of each other and routines set up before the baby came, I think that helped each of us establish our roles in the situation.Now, her daughter just turned 5 and we are still good friends despite living in different states now.On the second time around, my former sister in law moved in with me and my 5 month old nephew. I needed help with the mortgage and she needed a place to live. It was supposed to help us both, having her there. She was 18 and she and my brother were 17 when married and had gotten divorced within 3 months.At first she was all willing to do everything she needed to do, get a job, help around the house, take care of baby for the most part, get food stamps, help with gas. I got approved by DES to babysit and she and I worked opposite schedules. However, as time went on and the baby got old enough to be a little more independent, all that help and motivation and parenting just went away while I tried harder and harder to compensate for it. I would often find her sleeping on the couch at 9 a.m. while my nephew tore apart the living room. When I would come home from work at midnight she would be IMing on the computer (my computer) with toys, food, dirty dishes surrounding her. I could barely get to the sink and couldn't see the living room floor. It had somehow gotten out of control and she really manipulated me into thinking that I was asking too much of her when I did ask for something. Eventually the baby thought I was his mom and she hated me for it. She didn't help, was mad at me for "making her work" and said I was only babysitting for "the money." Yep, that $10 a day from DES really made it for me! (sarcasm).When she finally moved out I realized I had been taken, manipulated and used. It's been three years since she moved out and I still don't trust her or like her, despite having to deal with her since she is the mom of my only nephew.Some things I wish I had done at the beginning....First, clearly define what each of us is getting out of this arraingment and our expectations of each other. What we are going to do if things don't work out. What her long range plans were and how long she hoped to be at my house before getting out on her own.What she expects me to do in terms of her child. If he is crying should I wake her up? Feed him? Change his diaper? Who disciplines and what kind of discipline does she want to use so we are consistent. If she is asleep and he is awake, what does she want and what will I get in exchange for doing her job?I wish I had helped her create the rule that if the baby was awake, she needed to be awake. What are our roles in this situation? Are we roommates, can she handle my natural tendency to mother everything that comes my way?I wish we had had that conversation in the beginning when things were going well and we could talk nicely to each other instead of later when she would only accuse me of "trying to be her mom" and "steal her baby" and we would have hour long conversations through text messaging because that was the only way she would talk to me.By the way, she didn't leave because she was managing on her own. She left because she found a guy who promised to take care of her. She quit her job to live in a studio apartment with a guy who worked at a gas station. The baby's crib was in the kitchen. Now, she is on her second divorce, third baby daddy, still doesn't have a job and my nephew and his brother have experienced very little stability. Oh, and she doesn't "trust me" as a babysitter. The tables have really turned.Wow, that got too long. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that you need to clearly define your boundaries and stick with them. Yes, she is an adult. But she is an adult in your home and she is sharing a living space with many other people. Mutual respect of those other people and the rules and examples you want for your own children should be in place. Let her know your experience with children and let her know that you would love to be able to share what wisdom you have learned during your time as a mom and would be happy to brainstorm anything that she wants to talk about, nutrition, sleep, bottle weening, those things that come up. If she is a reader gift her some parenting books that may have helped you.Good luck. Hopefully you will get some help from people who have actually fostered teenage parents since my experiences were a little out-of-the box.Heidi

Both of you (last two posters) have good points. You're right, she is on the right track with the big ticket items, and I do need to pick my battles, hence my need to write here, and think this out. Which items to I address? Which items to we leave. Heidi, you had some great pointers about talking some things out in advance. I did have the discussion with her about her chores - she even offered to do more but I thought the split we chose was fair. She agreed to take on those certain chores and we'll review them again every month or so to trade out. My husband called me a "slave driver" jokingly when he saw the list, but he doesn't understand how she needs the the structure. I also talked to her about offering her some free "social" time where I would babysit and she liked that. What I liked Heidi, was that your roommate sounds just like my Cousin, only I think right now, she is really trying to not be that way. If I wasn't right there - this behavior would be her tendency and if we don't stay on course, it could easily fall into this pattern. I like your idea to discuss the sleep/awake baby care situation as in, "hey when your kid is awake but your not, how would you prefer I handle the situation?" and put her in my shoes. Because she will ether need to be woken up or I will have to take care of the baby. Leaving her to not be cared for, is not an option. So if you are still reading, which I hope you are, we recently had our first major hurdle, unrelated to childcare and housecleaning. The baby went to her dad's (we'll see how this goes) until tonight. Meanwhile, this has been the first week sine the christmas Holiday that S has been able to make all her appointments to start school, get a job, get her drivers test set up, etc. (She had to quit the job she had 2 hours away from here and she didn't have a license so I won't let her drive anymore until she gets her license situated). 2 days ago she went to visit a friend overnight who was supposed to bring her back yesterday - it is about 1 hour away - all her past ties are a long drive from us. Turns out that person will not bring her back now until tonight, she was a bit manipulated by the situation which is a story in itself. But bottom line is that it was her responsibility to get back. She has responsibilities to take care of here, with her own life if she wants to keep living here. I was VERY angry and this is the second time she went somewhere since her move in that someone has failed to uphold their transportation agreement. So I put my foot down and told her that she will not be allowed to leave again until she has her car and license to drive on her own. She can only leave with me or her mother. Which she accepted well and apologized, she felt really bad and new she screwed up. I felt bad for having to take that position, but she can't live here without some accountability. She can't blame everyone else for issues that arise. It wasn't this woman's fault for not bringing her back, it was HER fault, for leaving without her own means of transportation to begin with, when she had serious obligations. Hoping I handled that ok....

sarai7- You sound like you are doing a great job, and headed in the right place. I have dealt with many of the same predicaments you have faced with a young sister, and now am foster parenting my infant niece. My best advice to you is to make sure your cousin gets professional help. It's terrific for you to take all of that on, but make sure she makes use of the services that are available, such as parenting classes, Reach Up (if available), WIC, etc. You (actually she) can contact the local economic office, and they can set her up with so many helpful programs to guide her to where she needs to be. Don't expect that as things start to improve, that she will be able to continue along that path without some serious help. And if I sound serious and threatening about what looms in the future, I am, but only because I've been there, and seen it go in the wrong direction. Keep your chin up, and good luck!!!

I'm glad you found some of what I said helpful. Its good to know that my crazy experiences can be of some benefit.With my exSIL I took her to her appointments for WIC, food stamps, she got some cash assistance, and job interviews. She didn't have a car or license either so I ended up driving her around a lot more than I would have liked, but it also helped me know what was going on.One thing that did work, though I wouldn't always recommend it, is she put me in charge of her food stamps. Here it is a debit card that you use with a pin number. Now that I think about it, it may have been illegal, but I did all the cooking so I knew what we needed in the house. When we could we would go shopping together and I tried to teach her about reading labels, nutrition information, portions etc. but she was pretty uninterested in that. If she had been in charge of the card our freezer would have been filled with dozens of frozen pizzas, Dr. Pepper, hot pockets and chicken nuggets. I was able to make sure we had a lot of variety, veggies, fruits, whole grains, etc. and real good foods for the baby.I'm glad your cousin agreed to your new transportation arraingement. it sounds like she does need some guidance in how to be a grown up and think ahead about her and her baby's needs.I think sometimes we assume that 18 and 19 year olds will somehow grasp onto all that knowledge they were taught growing up and realize it's time to apply it, but I think it takes some time.A humorous story that doesn't have to do with this, but illustrates the point that even adult teenagers need to be taught.During a friend of mine's first semester of college she kept getting in trouble with her roommates because she kept throwing away the dish towels instead of washing them. She grew up using paper towels and didn't know what to do with dish towels. This girl grew up in a very well to do home with a great upbringing.So, the moral of the story is, don't assume your cousin actually knows what she needs to do and just isn't doing it. She may very well need to be taught what it really means to be a grown up and a mommy.Good luck. You are going to have your hands very very full for awhile.Heidi

Instead of getting upset, I would have probably asked her what she wanted me to do about her to-do list and seen if she came up with a solution and then discussed how we could make this work this time, but how difficult it was going to be and how unreliable her transportation has been, and asked how we could prevent this from happening in the future. She might have volunteered at that point a sustainable option, like not relying on others. Since she has been very agreeable and knew she'd messed up, I would have probably discussed the situation and helped guide her to imposing her own rule on herself first. If she could have come to the conclusion that she can't trust other people to transport her at long distances and decided to not rely on that form of transportation in the future, which it sounds to me like she could have done from your description of her, then you wouldn't have been the mean one imposing a strict rule on her. Now she's working to obey an external rule instead of from an internal motivation. She has a very good track record and I would have given her the opportunity to learn and grow before disciplining and imposing, which actually sets her back as it makes her dependent on you when you want her to become independent.