I want my baby back!!

whew, I am glad I sensed wrong Amaurosis. I agree there must be a point somewhere, for baby's sake. I don't know enough about the laws now, and every state is different, but typically how long does it take to finalize an adoption? It's only been a few weeks for emma and her baby since her regretful decision. I dont' think that it has been too long to change ones mind about something so important and have it be known. IMO it's not final til it's final. And I wouldn't suggest to anyone any different for their own sake. In my particular case from way back in the day (which we shouldn't model any new adoption practices on) I was in foster care for 3 months before my apreants knew I existed. They told my mother I was already with them on day one, using that to give her guilt of taking me away from my new family. But it wasn't like she had a choice, as she wasn't told of any revocation period. I was with my afamily for 9 months then everything was finalized. It worries me that emma lee didn't seem to know her revocation period was up in three weeks? or am I mistaken? At the very least, at the time of finalization or when it is known, I would have liked to seen something in my file letting my aparents and every other adult involved know that my mother wanted me back. That she was capable and had people in her life who would help her - her side of the story. I've been pregnant twice, and it was the most vunerable time in my life. I could not survive on my own, I was weak, I could not protect myself physically, I needed other people to help me, I didn't feel confident in my finances and job preformance being pregnant and a new mom, and I had great fear of not being able to be a good enough mom. Even at my second pregnacy, when I was 32 and married for over a decade. I got 12 weeks to recover with baby. I think any mother should be allowed the same amount of time with baby before making any concrete decisions about their futures. Until then we will continue to see these horrible mistakes made that will deeply hurt everyone involved.(if and when they know the truth) But that is just my opinion. We adoptees aren't belongings to be argued over as in a sales contract. We are individual humans that grow up to be free thinking adults that should be treated with respect and honesty, even when we can't speak for ourselves. Like I said, I don't know that much about the laws now and how things work. How long do prospective adopted parents typically get to return the child if they find they aren't happy with the match? And if god forbid this happened, would the mother be contacted (especially a capable mother who has voiced her regrets and changed decision) or would they go to foster care?

Beth: You raise a good point. I don't know about other states, but in Georgia once the revocation period is over, the birth mother is "out of the loop" and the child''s custody is passed to the agency or to DFCS who place the child in the home of the adoptive parents. The APs have until finalization to cancel the adoption for any reason or no reason (of course, they may not get their money back, depending on the contract and the reason for cancellation.)Also, the custodial agency can cancel the placement and take the baby back if the AP's breach their contract (maybe one is arrested, or the a-mother gets pregnant, or they lose their jobs and cannot pay the remainder of the agency fee). The agency does NOT have to and probably would not consider notifying the birth mother. They would simply place the baby with the next person on the list.

Thank you for your post, saj... Susan

Just so you all know, I never went and got her back and I'm trying unsuccessfully to return to normal teenage life. She is happy, "they" are happy.

WOW, im amazed that everyone here agrees that this mama should try to get her kiddo back! yeah, the aparents will be hurt, and yeah, bmom is in pain, but how bout the baby?? this babe is going to be so confused and frightened and truly~ the child has suffered a loss already. for the adoptees who say go for it because if your birthmom had wanted you back you wish they had tried for it,~~~~i guarantee ALL of your biomoms wanted you. you were not in any way unwanted. pretty much every bmom i know goes through a time of wishing the babe could come back. i cant tell you how many times ive fantasized about getting my children back, especially in the beginning but isnt it about the kids? how will that be for the baby? i dont believe for one second that the child is too young to know the difference. the baby knew when biomom was nowhere in sight to comfort him. it was painful for him and he suffered~ they all do~ but geeez, to do that again to him?? i just think its flat out wrong. sorry if this sounds harsh but i think someone has to speak up for the baby. just my two cents worth. to the OP~ i think what will help you is suport. rememebr the reasons you made the choice to begin with. grieve the loss, talk about it, look at photos, make a journal, ask questions, and remember your love for your child. your choice was made out of love. hold that thought in your mind and heart.

I didn't realize that I was asked a question earlier in this thread. I think that if the child is not in any danger there should be a longer revocation period. Maybe 3 months. I say this because hormones need time to balance out before a bmom can really think clearly. Gosh, I couldn't even decide on a name for my baby for a few days after giving birth, let alone if I had to make such a life altering decision. Another reason I say 3 months is because I was placed in my wonderful amomma's arms at 3 months old and had no trouble bonding with her. Of course I was living with coldhearted nuns prior to that, but even still, I don't elieve a baby would have a problem bonding with their bmoms at 3 months. kaolove, I have to disagree with you. NOT all bmoms want their babies. I know my bmom did NOT want me, so I do not think it is fair to make such a blanket statement. My aparents know full well the pain of losing newborns. They lost 3 full term still born. Knowing that kind of pain and heartache if they knew that my bom really wanted me back as much as it would have killed them they would have let her have me back. EZ

So you think a adopted parent should bond with her child for 3 months before the bio parent tries to snach the child back.If I read that right that sounds crazy to me.I have to agree with koalove on this one.

This is what happens in cradle care, foster care, etc. Or say a bio mom parents for three months before realizing that she can NOT parent and chooses to place her child for adoption - is everyone up in arms then saying, "NO! That would be too damaging to the child! The baby has BONDED!!!!" Or is that somehow different? And I'm sorry, but no one said "snatch the child back" - if the law was that a woman could change her mind up until that time it would NOT be "snatching" - it would be legally reuniting with her child.

What about babies that are in the hospital for months after birth , they are in isolettes unable to truly bond with anyone? I am offended at "snatch them back" how can a mother "snatch" her own baby back if she is within the law? How would you feel if a some said that an aparent "snatched a baby" from a bmom? That term is truly offensive no matter how it is used. IMO it it runs paralell to the term "Gotcha" Both terms are hurtful, though "Gotcha" is somehow acceptable in the adoption community. EZ

I think a BirthMOM should have her child in foster care or at home with her for at least 1-2 months, to make sure she is doing the right thing. That way she will have time to bond with her child who is WITH her or allowed visitation if she doesn't want the child to live with her till she has had ample time to DECIDE what she really wants. Then the adoptive parents can adopt this child at that time with NO WORRY of the BirthMOM/Dad changing her mind. That way everyone can figure out what they want without the fear of NOT doing the right thing for the bio parents, the adopt. parents or the baby. A child deserves a home with whoever God MEANs to be their parents. As a child with a bio mom and adopt dad who raised me AND as a grown adult with 2 bio kids and now choosing to adopt..I can see all sides. ALL people experience pain, to different extents...so why not try your best as lawyers, SW's, etc..to do what is best for ALL involved. I would never give up MY kids, but I also as a baby was given up by my birthdad..I would love to adopt, but also would not not want to lose my kids who I adopted and bonded too..no more then my Adopt. Dad wanted to lose me as a child. Anyone who is involved with this situation is going to be fearful, sad, afraid. It was best for me to be with MY parents, who raised me...that is WHO God intended for me. And I think many families are born into a family and many are made through adoption and some BOTH!

Dear Emma, I am hoping you will come back in here and post once in a while to let us know how you are doing. In between all the debate going on here it seems to have been overlooked that you are just a kid yourself and that surely it's perfectly natural for a young woman in highschool to have doubts and to second guess herself over getting her baby back after relinquishment. I vaguely recall being 16, 17 and being extremely confused and frightened in the midst of all that you are now suffering. Take care of yourself sweetie!

she may have had her adoptive ones for two months but your baby had you for NINE months while in your belly - noone wondered then if it was right to take the baby from you - You have so much to offer your baby as its natural mother - more than any stranger can give - good luck in your fight to get your baby back best, FC

Emma, I echo what Janey stated in her post. Please come back here and post on this and other threads. There are a lot of wonderful people here. Take comfort in the fact that your daughter is happy and while you won't ever be the same teenager you were before you can become happy and strong again. I wish you the best.

I get the - you made a decision, tuff it out theory. It's not always that simple. What is best for baby? is definately the question. As a newborn - I wanted my mother At 3 mos, at 6 mos, at 1 yr, 2 yrs.... I wanted my mother No matter how well I was loved and cared for by either foster parents or adoptive parents as a child - I wanted my mother. Separation from foster or adoptive parents wasn't the issue for me, "the baby". I wanted my mother. I wanted her at age 5, at 10, at 15, at 20, at 30, and at 40 I finally found her. At 47 I still have my mother and she would have been a fine mother for me from day one. She was certainly a wonderful mother to my brother and sister just 1-2 years later, so I am sure she would have been a perfectly fine mother for me. The biggest shock I had was when I found out that my mother wanted to keep me all along, that she had fought to keep me. This bit of info wasn't in my file. But they said NO because she wasn't married. She couldn't fight them very well as a 19 yr old girl in 1962. She was told she wasn't as good for me as other parents could be, besides it was already done. So she was told I was in the best place for me, suck it up, never mention it again, don't look back and move on. That was all she could do, it wasn't a decision. I guess I have some wacky idea that things should have changed much more in the last 40 years.

Dear Emma Lee, I hope you keep posting here. Many of us birthmoms were teenagers when we relinquished our newborn infants, so we do know what you're going through. This is the hardest thing you'll ever do in your entire life, IMHO. I remember the loneliness after placing my son for adoption. I was your age...and it was the most painful thing I've ever gone through. It's hard to fit back in with your friends after you've had a baby. I remember feeling so much older than my friends, although we were mostly the same age. I was a lot quieter than I had been before signing those papers; I didn't joke around anymore, something I had a reputation for; I was a much more serious and somber girl. I think it would have helped me so much if it had been possible back then (1972) to talk with other birthmoms. You don't have to be alone with your feelings and thoughts, Emma. We're here for you, and we're all listening. :loveyou: