Advertisements
Or earlier!
I have been a big supporter of adoption for 10 years. But reality is really slapping me in the face. Children get removed from bio homes every day for multiple reasons from neglect to abuse. I have come to realize that it doesn't matter the reason...the kids go back to them.
J1 visited his bio mother in prison last week. He was all excited. She wants to be "mom" again. She wants them to be a family again! What a crock of uknowwhat!
J1 and M1 have been making visits to their mother for some time, though she kicked them out again.
Today, I was checking the internet tracker. It would seem that V's "wonderful" brother has put V in touch with his aunt and mom. V has sent them messages through myspace. V even told bio mom not to communicate with a random guy named "indy", should she get a message. I have not told V that I have seen the messages. He is not supposed to communicate with them until he is 18 and out of my house.
L's bio family communicated with a worker, trying to find him.
M2's bio uncle tried finding him when he turned 18.
I feel so temporary. I have worked and struggled with these boys during the hardest times of their lives and their bio parents just "waltz" back into their lives like nothing happened. In the mean time, I am forgotten. What a bunch of crap!
I am so done with this! What's the use? I am so tired of putting my heart and soul into something I used to think was worthwhile, only to get served my heart on a platter every time.
Like
Share
I'm so sorry... I think these kids need to go back and learn that things weren't all sunshine and roses... They need to learn, as adults, that their memories are flawed... Their biofamily wasn't wrongfully accused, they weren't stolen from perfect parents, the abuse was real...
The kids seem to need to be hurt again by their biological families, to understand how much their adoptive families truly love them...
I hope your boys learn this quickly and learn it well, I know some kids take a long time to figure it out.
Hugs!
Advertisements
They need to learn, as adults, that their memories are flawed... Their biofamily wasn't wrongfully accused, they weren't stolen from perfect parents, the abuse was real...
Do you wonder if they have an untreatable psych disorder or something? My older two have chosen poverty over wealth, homelessness over a home, ignorance over education. I'm pretty sure they understand the difference. I see a difference in my youngest, who is not problem free, but who is able to put forth a sustained effort to succeed and who does not give up at the first sign of challenge. The others all seem to have a passive, slide down the hill mentality.
I personally welcomed contact by the biological families of the older two. Perhaps the kids will see them as they really are, instead of keeping an idealized version in their heads. If not, at least it might help them to have some consistency in their lives. And finally, at this point, I'm not willing to have them in my house, so God bless anyone who will put up with them!
When my kids started leaving home chasing whatever they thought was better, I felt much like you do-that I'd done nothing but run a group home.
Over time, it's been less painful and I've accepted their chices to include birth family in their lives. Does it still hurt? Sometimes.
I think the things we put in are there and that matters. I think some kids will never do relationships well and others will struggle with them as they find their way.
I don't know the cure for making it not hurt so much. :grouphug:
Advertisements
I just have to say it's hard, it hurts and I understand. My husband and I were legal guardians of 2 nephews, raised them for 8 years. Hear nothing from them. Find out one, haven't seen him in 2 years, has been staying 4 houses away. Haven't heard a thing. All I can do is hope that some seed of normalcy, of descency, of respect, will have taken root. All I can hope is that he doesn't repeat the life his parents choose. But it makes me wonder why I sacrificed all I did to raise them.
This is kind of off topic, sorry Indy, but does it make sense that the life style of those first few years of life is imprinted on their brains. I'm probably not using the right words, but I know those first years make such a difference, could the life style they experienced become the norm, even if its pre-memory? I sometimes wonder.I know this doesn't help your pain Indy. I wish I knew what we as parents could do to actually teach our children to want a better life. Sigh.
Lorraine123
But they know the abuse was real. They remember it. Its just an unexplainable pull to the abusive parents. I don't understand it.
Advertisements
I just finished reading the 2nd book in the series by Dave Pelzer. First is A Child Called It about the abuse he suffered at he hands of his mother. The 2nd is The Lost Boy about his years in foster care searching for a family.
I was amazed at how drawn he was to his birth mother. The abuse she gave him was incredible, he feared for his life. But he still rode past her house when living near enough, he had a yearning to know WHY? Why him? Why couldn't she love him? He tried to think of how he could please her and earn her love.
To me, that really explained a lot for me.
I need to find the 3rd book - A Man Named Dave I think is the name of it.
Indy, many hugs sent your way. :grouphug:
With my kids, I made up my mind to accept that they will seek out their b/parents at sometime in their lives. I guess I do this so as not to be upset when they do. Does that make sense? Everything I have read indicates that children that were adopted do seek their b/parents out, so in my mind, it wouldn't be a reflection of how I am as a parent so it doesn't 'hurt' so much. Of course, I only have one that is over 18 and so far, he hasn't. Ask me again when one of my kids do!
I think that when you have a soft place to fall you are more willing to walk out on the ledge.
By that I mean they HAVE you, they have had you, they know you are there for them. Through the good, the bad, and the unimaginable.
Have you ever taken something for granted that you LOVED only to be enchanted "shortly" by something else? Once the "fantasy" or "newness" wears off, you STILL have what you had before waiting there to be your soft place.
NOW is it fair to you? Or right? PROBABLY not;) In fact, I think it must hurt. BUT the good news is that they KNOW you love them;) They can adventure outside of their nest to see what is there. It is not all fairy tales and pixy dust................but how would they ever really appreciate what they have if they don't see everything?
Kind of like complaining about parents, until you are one, you complain a LOT until you can appreciate their sacrifice and pain oh AND LOVE for their children (birth, adoptive, or otherwise)
I hope things feel better for you soon. Just continue loving them, which I have no doubt you will;)
I am no expert, I claim to have no wisdom, just sharing my humble view. Thanks;)
Advertisements
Or earlier!I have been a big supporter of adoption for 10 years. But reality is really slapping me in the face. Children get removed from bio homes every day for multiple reasons from neglect to abuse. I have come to realize that it doesn't matter the reason...the kids go back to them.J1 visited his bio mother in prison last week. He was all excited. She wants to be "mom" again. She wants them to be a family again! What a crock of uknowwhat! J1 and M1 have been making visits to their mother for some time, though she kicked them out again.Today, I was checking the internet tracker. It would seem that V's "wonderful" brother has put V in touch with his aunt and mom. V has sent them messages through myspace. V even told bio mom not to communicate with a random guy named "indy", should she get a message. I have not told V that I have seen the messages. He is not supposed to communicate with them until he is 18 and out of my house.L's bio family communicated with a worker, trying to find him.M2's bio uncle tried finding him when he turned 18.I feel so temporary. I have worked and struggled with these boys during the hardest times of their lives and their bio parents just "waltz" back into their lives like nothing happened. In the mean time, I am forgotten. What a bunch of crap! I am so done with this! What's the use? I am so tired of putting my heart and soul into something I used to think was worthwhile, only to get served my heart on a platter every time.
Last update on September 22, 2:17 pm by Solcita Snow.