unhealthy relationship with adoptive mother

Not adopted either, but you have pretty much described my relationship with my mother, to varying degrees. If she can't be in control of my decisions, then she isn't interested. She plays the martyr really well too, which I didn't figure out until I was in my early twenties (38 now). Therapy has helped me a lot, but my mother still refuses to see her sick behavior. The funniest thing to me is that she forced me into therapy in my teens, singing it's praises, but doesn't think she needs it. 9 times out of 10, when I get off the phone with her I want to bang my head against a wall...then I remember, it's HER problem, not mine. I choose to live my life the way I want, which ultimately makes me happy.

This is not an "adopted thing" this is the lifestyle of many families -- particularly in the south. My grandparents had five children. All five grew up and lived within 10 miles of the homestead. The five children had 9 grandchildren. 8 of the 9 grew up to live in the same county. Then came the 18 great-grandchildren and 16 of them settled in the same county. No, we are not in-bred bumpkins. We left to go to college, to the military, traveled to Europe, fought wars in Vietnam and Afghanistan, married spouses from other areas and brought them "home". We take care of our elderly and our handicapped in our homes, not in nursing homes or hospices. We help each other -- "Car broke down?" Call Cousin Steve with a tow truck. "Basement filled with water?" Call Uncle Mike, the plumber. "Can't figure out your taxes?" See Uncle Hugh, the accountant. "Need a wedding cake?" Cousin Marie owns a bakery.My mother spoke to her mother every day for as long as she lived. I called my mother just about every day for as long as she lived. My adult daughters call me daily -- maybe for just 2 minutes to say "good night" but that is enough. I count myself lucky that my family is close. We aren't crazy, we are caring. I'm sorry for people who don't experience what we have.

Not all aMoms, or even many. But it seems that some (inc mine) had obvious insecurities or needy personalities. It is hard to imagine them getting through modern screening. I didnt mean to offend. Unhealthy relationship with aMotherȨ is almost guaranteed with some personality types. It took me 30 years to realise that, now im bitter and resentful.... and a little incoherant

I can't say that I have ever met anyone, especially a female, that doesn't have some kind of mother issue! LOL My amom and I have always had difficulties, very similar to what you mentioned + OCD. For the longest time I thought it was me. Our adoption relationship certainly added to the problems Then my adult daughter moved in with my aparents while at college out of state. Had her own apartment downstairs. While it has been so helpful for her to be there, and we love the nana and gdad very much, and I liked them looking out for each other...my daughter ran screaming out of there after a year and a half LOL I was the only one that could understand and broke the bank to help her escape with her sanity. After hearing my daughters complaints (exactly the same as mine) and seeing the life getting sucked out of her and her confidence and independance melting I said "RUN" All the hard work I had instilled, was getting wiped away. It really opened my eyes to IT'S NOT ME IT'S HER!!! HA! She still stores stuff there, and visits and stayed with them over the summer while she worked, she managed to make it until she could move in the dorm, but it wasn't easy. Working 60-70 hours a week helped. I must mention, she moved back home with us this summer, lasted three weeks, then ran screaming from here LOL And she and I get along pretty well. We blame it on her dad and brother, the heat and the bugs. B, my advice, Pick a deadline and try to make it to then, makes it easier to deal everyday knowing you won't be stuck there forever.

sorry...I tend to get defensive of adoptive parents because i've seen them heavily attacked on other websites and I tend to play an advocate for them sometimes lol... I don't really have that many problems with my mom besides what I would consider normal mother-daughter stuff... The biggest thing would be that she is much more outspoken than I am so she'll point something out that I didn't want pointed out and it makes me a little intimidated lol...oh well :arrow:

My mother and I talk every day even though we are hours apart but she never called my high school or RA in college because I was in class and could not call her back, I am not adopted either but we had a hard time when I was in in early 20's but we worked threw it and are now friends. I know this may not end up happening for you but I hope you can have a relationship that does not smoother you someday

I read a book called "When you and your mother can't be friends" by Victoria Secunda and it helped me accept my mother for who she is and realise that she's not going to change and that we aren't going to be best friends. We have an okay relationship these days.

There is a difference between being close and caring verses obsessed and controlling. When someone feels this way (quote from OP) Ive been home for a grand total of 48 hours and I already feel myself starting to return to that ғjust make mommy happy mentality. " , it is not a healthy relationship.

Your post might as well have been written by me, and I'm not adopted and 40 years old!!! It's a personality thing. I decided to move away from the house across two oceans and thousands of miles to be away from my mom. Don't get me wrong, I love her to death, I just can't get along with her as a person. She's a worrier. Nothing I can do to change that. But...I've started identifying to her the "flaws" of her personality the way I see it by making fun of it. She'd call me every two days when I moved out of the same country. She'd panic if I didn't answer the phone (because I sometimes do visit the bathrooms, ya know!). So I began to make fun of her when she'd sound worried on the phone. I'd make up elaborate stories of "yeah, I couldn't answer the phone because I was skyjumping and my ropes broke off and the phone was dangling on them." I still continue to make fun of it, but she's slowly beginning to recognize the ridiculousness of her behaviour. Now she actually says, "my daughter, I will stop worrying the day I die! As long as I am worried, it means I'm alive." It's YOUR mother that needs help. Not you. My mother is 73 years old. She won't admit that she needs help. So it's up to me to give her that help and talk to her about her issues. She doesn't always like what I have to say, but every so often there's a small breakthrough and she admits at being wrong. Don't question yourself or your actions. And by the way, it has nothing to do with adoption, as you noticed from everyone's responses. You could have ended up with such a mother even if it was your biological mother. Some people are just different. We still love them. Sometimes we love them BECAUSE they are different.

My mom is similar in many ways, though thankfully she realizes it's not particularly healthy & is honestly making an effort to let go. She does have anxiety disorder & OCD (diagnosed by my therapist after my parents finally agreed to do family therapy sessions with me). She also shared, at one point, that one reason she had been so clingy when I was younger was because she always had this fear my biological mother would find me & kidnap me. I moved away for about a year while I was in college (20 minutes away) & she did call me almost every night wanting to know where I was and if I was okay, but our relationship progressed a lot during that time. I ended up moving back home for similar reasons, medical and financial, and I did fall back into the pattern of letting her do things for me--but with the help of my therapist was able to maintain appropriate boundaries. About six weeks ago I actually moved out of the county, big deal for me even though I'm still less than half an hour away! Already our relationship has improved--we talk a lot more about the important stuff when she's not constantly nagging me about the day to day things. She does worry about me driving (she has a fear of freeways) and likes me to call when I get home--but she's come to accept that I'm not always willing/able to do that and to deal with her insecurities on her own. Her willingness to at least acknowledge her insecurities are sometimes overboard & to at least be willing to seek help (she did several therapy sessions with an individual therapist, but didn't stick with it) has been huge--it's very apparent when you consider the progress I've made in my relationship with her in comparison to the progress I've made with my relationship with my father (we are close, but he likes to pretend problems don't exist). I'm a lot more likely to talk with her about things that mean a lot to me. I think those insecurities are more common than we may know, even for parents whose children are not adopted, but perhaps more so in many ways for them. I know the family I'm living with now feels like they are constantly having to be "perfect parents" to prove that they are capable, though they are fostering & haven't adopted yet. It's almost as though as an adoptive parent you have to "earn" the right to be a parent.

I'll ditto what a lot of the others said, my mom is much the same way, and I'm not adopted either. I agree with MamaS, it can be a Southern thing. I know for my mom that is about 80% of it :) I was raised very much with the idea that "if Momma isn't happy, ain't nobody happy" She has always taken her role as "Mother" very seriously, and saw her children as reflections on her. If we did poorly, it wasn't because we hadn't studied for the test we failed, it was because she hadn't taught us the right study skills. I am pretty laid back about it, and it doesn't bother me. My younger sister though has HUGE issues with it even now at 31. To the OP, get back into therapy, see if you can convince her that it would help YOU, if she would go to some joint sessions with you. Even at 33 I'm considering going to therapy with Momma to try and work through a couple of the issues we have that do bother me. Best of luck!

My mother died several years ago. She was an awesome mom and not the least bit controlling or overbearing. I talked to her about once a week and loved her with all my heart. Now my poor sister is married to a man whose mother calls her 4 or 5 times a day and demands to know every detial of her life. She is suffocating! Her husband has talked to his mom to no avail. The worst part is his mom is a therapist and she said she went back to school and became a therapist after she had her kids because she needed to get away form her own mother who was too overbearing and called her all the time! My sister thinks she exhibits signs of OCD...whenever she gets an idea in her head she has to follow it through and cannot move on until she has shared her thoughts. This is what prompted her to call while my sister was vacaioning in another state to tell her that she has made dinner plans for October and needed my sister to confirm that she would be available that night--TWO MONTHS AWAY. I agree that your mom is showing signs of a disorder. You can't change her but you can help yourself. Best of luck, you sound like a great loving daughter.

Thanks for saying this ! I am from the south and totally relate ! LOL!

I have friends who live with biological mothers that are like this. She's your mom, she loves you, and yes more than likely she is overprotective and insecure. I doubt it anything to do with being an adoptive mother though. Just being a mother lol

I agree. I don`t think it`s an adoption issue. It happens to many people. At 28 I moved to Spain.She moved in. In th end, I had to leave to study and work to China for 8 years at the age of 30! She just would`t let go.