Just found out I have an adopted older sibling

My raised children have known about their placed brother since they were teens. We did not reconnect until D was almost 33. In some ways I think it was easier for d to build a relationship with his (half) siblings because one can have multiple siblings... what do you do with "another" mother (it's uncharted territory.) My personal belief is that the relationships enrich our lives. I hope that proves true for you.

I suggest your first priority should be coming to terms with the secret your Mom kept from you and making peace with your Mom who (if she's anything like me) is in a real emotional place where she is unsure of how this news will impact on her family and is praying and hoping that it doesn't stop those she loves and cares for from thinking of her as a good mother. I too relinquished a child, and only told my kept children when I was contacted. I never realised over the years that it had the ability to break up a family (the keeping of secrets) and for a week or two I was very afriad. They felt betrayed.....understandably....and questioned my decision and wondered if there were other things I had kept from them. I wasn't very articulate either - It's difficult trying to explain how harsh society was, in that era, for single mothers and illigitimate babies and how the possibility of reunion brought back all those horrendous memories and sent me into an emotional talk-spin. With time we all settled down and started talking about possibilities instead of condemnations. We reaffirmed the love we, as a family, had built up over the years and agreed there was enough love to go around if one more was introduced into the mix. That all happened 8 years ago and now we all have a familiar family relationship with my first-born. I am more involved than his siblings having known and imagined this child/adult for 38 years. BUT... the other two feel the kinship and he has a special place in their lives. Of course he has his own family to belong to. You don't swap one for the other at reunion. His parents were troubled when he chose to search for his birthparents and especially when he found me. We have since met and they have come to terms with his decision to be part of our lives too, albiet it in a secondary way. They will always be the primary family and I wouldn't want it to be any different. My eldest kept found it very difficult in those early days coming to terms with some stranger-sibling taking his place as eldest in the family. I assured him often he was the eldest in our nuclear family but with the greater family he shared it with his half-brother. Just like I accepted his wife as a daughter-in-law and her place didn't usurp his sisters position. Understanding takes time, patience and finally acceptance. I believe it is the same process that your Mom has to go through - with your help or on her own. It doesn't happen overnight I must tell you. It took me months to recover my head and heart. All the good reunion advice say's use letters, e-mail and phone calls initially. Mom doesn's have to rush off for an emotional reunion with a stranger. She can feel her way through cyber-space or the telephone until she has an idea of who this ethereal child/adult is. And when they are both comfortable with each other, then they can decide to meet in person. You two siblings can do the same Take it slow....baby steps......I'd suggest you read The Girls Who Went Away so you can get a feeling of what your Mom went through all those years ago, and I would encourage your Mom to come to these forums and look on the Search and Reunion forums for peace of mind knowing others have been through this and come out the other end with a smile on their face and a heart that knows no bounds. Regards Ann

You have gotten some excellent advice -- I agree with all of it.I would just like to add that, as an adoptee, nothing was as painful as the unwelcoming response from my half-sister. (My bmom died years ago). She did answer many of my questions and eventually send me some pictures, but she told me not to contact any other members of her family. I am to remain the dirty little family secret. (She already knew about me because she was my bmom's firstborn.) I feel rejected all over again. It hurts like heck.Just be aware that many adoptees suffer from issues of rejection/abandonment thoughout their lives (I grew up wondering what was wrong with me that my bparents couldn't raise me?). So be extra kind and courteous to your new half-sister. You may not have much in common, and you may feel very awkward with this sudden intrusion into your life, but please be aware that she most likely needs re-assurance that she is a worthwhile person. However, set your boundaries -- you don't want her emailing or calling you everyday, for example. Maybe you can just think of her as if she were a distant cousin coming for a visit -- you don't have to be best friends, but treat her with kindness because she is family. Best of wishes to all of you.

As an adult adoptee, I would want you to know that I would like to get to know you, and hopefully become friends. It's exciting to find out you have a sibling. The next several months, or more, will be very emotional for me. If I get a little crazy, too pushy, or cross a boundary, I want you to tell me. This is very overwhelming for both of us. But you know what? There is no rush. We can take it slow. Maybe just think of each other as a new friend, who just happens to be related? I might get a little overly emotional at times. I wont know what to say to you. I'll be afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. I hope you will try to understand, and of course, I hope you will be honest with me in how you feel. This is such a strange situation we find ourselves in. It must really be a shock to you, being an only child, to hear that you have a sister (or brother). I just can't imagine what you must be thinking and feeling. I'm excited and llooking forward to getting to know you. Well, that's what I would want you to know. It also briefly describes my reunion with my bio sister on BDad's side. She was an only child, and 38 at the time she was told about me. I'm afraid in my emotional state at the time, I may have come on a little strong. She told me she was excited too, but just never seemed to really be interested in building a relationship. We never talked, only exchanged a few emails. There was a lot of drama with my reunion with bdad, and his relationship with her had been nnon existent for years. That all, I'm sure played a role. I finally just gave up. My door is open to her anytime she would like to contact me. I hope someday she does. She did comment once that it was difficult for her, because of being an only child, to wrap her head around having a sister. I can see how that might be. I don't really know why the relationship didn't develop, if it was something I did or said, my Bdad interfering, or she just wasn't interested. It's the not knowing that bothers me most. I never knew how she really felt. I guess what I would say to you, being in a somewhat similar situation: just be honest about how you feel and what you want. There is no rush. If you aren't comfortable with things, just say so. Give yourself time to adjust. By all means just be yourself, and think of your new sibling as just a person, who happens to be biologically related to you. I have a bsis on Bmom's side. She and I have grown into a sister relationship, but it took a very long time for that to happen. Again, there is no rush. There is no rule that says you have to feel any certain way. You will feel however you feel, and that's o.K. I wish you the best of luck. I should also state here that this was just how I felt in regards to my bsis.

I appreciate your insight. Thank you for your response. I have learned a lot on this sight and all these answers are SO helpful to me.

Thank you! Your insight is so appreciated. This is a strange time for me and I want to do what is right for my mom and sibling.

Thank you. I can only imagine what my sib is going through. I appreciate your help SO much.

Thank you, that is great advice. I hope she wants to reach out, it is going to be a stretch for her, that is for sure. I am really beginning to understand that adoption in the 60's is not the same as now, there was so much more shame involved. I have to respect my mom first, but I want to contact my sibling. More than anything I want her to come to a place of knowing she did the right thing for her baby. Adoption is such a courage decision because it is "messy" abortion is just hard on the mom, we all are feeling these consequences. I am proud of my mom for doing the right thing, even though it profoundly affected our lives. Her ability to connect with me has been impacted by giving up her first baby. I love her very much and have such a deeper understanding of her since I have found this out.

That breaks my heart. That is so wrong! Unfortunately, no one in my family knows this info yet and that is going to be my mom's first hurdle she is going to have to deal with. People are going to find out if we have contact with my sibling. I hope she can do it and I want to reach out as well. Putting a child up for adoption is a very grown up thing to do and at some point we all have to face decisions we have made when they affect other people's lives. Abortion is for the self-centered. Adoption is much more impacting and harder in the end. Did your adoptive parents see you as a treasure? Did they make you feel special to be "chosen?" Or were they ashamed because they adopted?

Hi Arrow, Do our adoptive parents treasure us...etc. There will be some bad adoptive family stories as sometimes things just don't work, but you will find many good adoption stories too. I read somewhere that there were 6 million babies adopted during the baby scoop era... I was a 60's baby and was adopted by the best adoptive parents, they have loved me, encouraged me, helped me, been there for me, everything and more that a person could ask for. There was nothing 'shamefull' about adoption in my world. Kind regards,Dickons

Thanks for letting me know that. I need to know my sib's story as much as they want to know their own history. I am just having trouble figuring out where I fit into this dilemma. I am a total fixer. I want to "fix" this situation, get my mom to meet her child, get my mom to open up to her feelings she has held down forever, and meet this sib. But I really have to and want to wait for my mom to get counseling. I just feel like my sib is left out there to sit and wonder. I can't contact them without my mom doing it first or else I know I am in the way of her facing this. I don't know what to tell my kids anyway they are young and would be very confused and grandma couldn't take them questioning her right now, that is for sure. I am such an open, honest person, that it is hard for me not to share this info or at least act on it.

Arrow,I'm not sure that not contacting her will make your mom face it. I would tell her I was planning to contact my sibling, but I think you can have a relationship with her that is apart from your mom's. My raised son and daughter both have their own relationships with their half-brother. In fact I think they sometimes have more contact than others, depending on what's going on in their lives. I think that's as it should be.

I would be thrilled to have a sibling contact me, go for it! Plus, if your mom sees acceptance it may make it easier for her. Kind regards,Dickons

I would also be thrilled if my sister or brother contacted me despite our mother being not able to have a relationship right now with me. Instead they seem to be hiding behind her skirts, afraid as well. It may help your mom if you were to make the first step with your sibling. Despite you reassuring mom that you are okay, she could be afraid of damaging her relationship with you if she reunites with her first born. You don't have the 40 years of pain to wade through that she does. It could take her a very long time if ever to connect with your sibling. I haven't read all the replies again this morning so I'm not sure if anyone recommended the book, "the Girls that went away". True testimonials from birth moms and what they went through being pregnant and giving up their baby. It would give some insight into what your mom went through back then and why she is dealing the way she is now.

Did your mom tell you not to contact your half-sis? The biggest problem I see now is that your half-sis is "left out there to sit and wonder". Believe me, I have been in her place, and it doesn't feel good!!! Do you think your mom would mind if you wrote your half-sis a simple note explaining that your mom needs some time to sort her feelings and that you will get back to her when the time is right? Yes, the whole family will eventually learn of this new half-sis, and I can understand your mom's anxiety, but you two could get to know your sis at the beginning without notifying the whole family.