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Hello,
My name is Emma & I am new to all of this. I've never really spoken to anyone about my feelings on being adopted, but I can't just deal with it on my own anymore.
I have always known I was adopted, and have had a happy life with my adoptive parents. There is nothing they could have done more in raising me. I recently turned 21, and it's like a switch was turned on. I just wish I could turn it off again.
I met my birthfather when I was 12. He was married (not to my birthmother) with three young boys, and a newborn daughter. I was so thrilled that he wanted to meet me, and at last, I had brothers and a sister! Unfortunately, this was short lived, as his wife was unhappy with him meeting me, and although we involved her and the children as much as we could (we never saw my birthfather without them there) she believed that he was spending too much time with me (I saw him roughly twice a year). She became extremely nasty (I was 13 by this time) and contact eventually ceased. I still have contact with his parents, who are beautiful, and two of his nieces.
This event was one of the most traumatic of my life. I was sexually abused when I was 14, and I genuinely have trouble deciding which event is holding me back the most (I'm not using this example in general, just for me personally).
A few years passed, and I decided to write to my birthmother. I had always been curious about what she looked like, if she had any children, etc. I received a letter, and photos back, which was fantastic. She has six children, and had just given birth to her last daughter when I made contact (so much for being worried about not having brothers or sisters!). We exchanged a few letters, and due to events in my life, I didn't write back to her last letter. Not because I didn't want to, but time just got away and before I knew it, four years have passed. The baby daughter she was bringing home would be in kinder now.
I turned 21 in July last year, and I spend months before my birthday wondering if I would receive a letter from my birthmother. It meant more to me than I could say, and never told anyone how much it ripped me apart when my birthday came and went, without contact from either of my birthparents.
I've spent so long hoping she was thought about me, and just wishing that I meant something to her. In the photo where she is giving her baby daughter her first bath, she is looking at her so lovingly, and holding her so gently as if she might break. I cant help but think, did she ever look at me that way? Did she look at me and smile, or was it a relief when they took me away?
This has become a constant source of grief for me, and I just needed a place to vent. I need some help.. I literally have sores under my eyes from crying myself to sleep. I just need to know she loves me.
Thank you for listening.
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thank you all so much for your replies. i've been so lost lately about everything, and dont really have anyone here that i can talk to about it. my parents are a bit funny about the whole thing and i find its easier just not to bring it up. i havent really been on any forums or anything and i never thought i would, i just didnt know where else to turn. its gotten to the stage where there literally isnt anywhere to turn.. my doctor has given me countless medications for depression, but nothing seems to be working. it feels hopeless.
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Julie23: I'm sorry if anything i said in my post upset you in any way, and im sorry about your situation. i think taking time for yourself and allowing yourself that grieving period is a good idea. I dont know what its like to be in your situation, but i think there's one universal thing in adoption, whether it be an adoptee, birth parent or adoptive parent, and that is that as much a people want to be supportive and try to help, they dont understans unless they've walked in your shoes. only you know what you're going through, and maybe taking some time for yourself on your daughters birthday will be a good thing.
i dont know about your daughter, her feelings or situation.. but from personal experience, sometimes its easier to act like we dont care and that certain circumstances dont mean a thing to us.. it might be because of how others feel, or how we're expected to feel.. but sometimes its the things we dont WANT to care about are the things that we think about at night, when we cant sleep and no one else is awake.. i'm sure you know what thats like. i cant speak for your daughter, but no matter what is going on, i can almost certainly say that you're in her thoughts.
maybe, if you wanted, send her a card for her birthday. a simple 'happy birthday' card, with nothing else written, can say 'im thinking of you today' quite loudly.
take care
Dear Emmacj,
I personally don't think you need to apologize to anyone for your post. IMO - it was heartfelt and poignant. You are asking honest questions about feelings have you have every right to feel.
You asked if your mom ever looked at you that way. I of course cannot answer for her but I will answer from my own experience if that is okay.
I am a bmom - a double surrenderer. There have been times when I have held my raised daughters and wondered about my son and daughter. I think of them everyday...as I have from teh moment I left the hospital. For a time they were frozen in my thoughts, frozen as little babies and I would wonder what kind of babyfood they liked. If they - like their sisters - hated Gerber peas. If they - like their sisters - watched Sesame Street. Little things like that crossed my mind all the time.
When my eldest daughter had her first baby, I wondered what labor was like for my 2nd daughter (whom I relinquished). I hoped that she had an easier time of it.
I do not know if other bparents think of their children - though the bmoms and bdads I've met in here certainly do.
I hope that helps a little. My heart goes out to you as you try to find peace in all of this. I think that Dpen6 is very wise in what she says too about finding oneself despite what everyone else says or does.
It just takes some time to be able to reach that point is all.
But if it will help, I send you this hug (((( Emmacj )))) :grouphug:
I also send a prayer for peace for you today!:flower:
Hi Emmacj,
I just read your post and there was a part where you said you didn't answer your birthmom's last letter due to some things going on in your life. I'm wondering if you haven't heard from her because she is waiting for you to make the next move? In the beginning of reunions, there is a lot of second guessing and wondering what the other person is feeling or thinking.
Maybe you could just send your bmom a little letter telling her that there was much going on.
I also agree that strenghthening yourself is very important. That is the #1 most important thing.
I also have a photo of my bmom holding my youngest sister and I've looked at it over and over imagining if that is the way she looked at me. I'll never know for sure as she had passed away before I found her. But from things that my sisters have told me she always thought about me and always loved me.
I've also spoken with numerous bmoms and they have all without exception told me the very same thing. They have always thought of the baby they placed for adoption - no matter the circumstances.
I, too, wish you peace and happiness.
Snuffie
EMMACJ, <<<<<<<<<<<<<HUGS...HUGS>>>>>>>>>, NO ONE CAN TELL YOU FOR CERTAIN WHETHER SHE LOOKED AT YOU THAT WAY. I can say, that as a firstmom, I was truly in love...when I chose to have them brought into the room, the next day. I had not wished to see them, because I knew if I did , I would not be able to allow them to leave, and yes ...I di fall in love, and wanted noithing more than to keep them. That day is etched into my brain like only a few other days are...it is now 23 yrs later. As a 21 yr. old, what is wrong with you sending her a card on your birthday, letting her know you were thinking of her on that day???? This may pry that door open, that you inadvertantly closed when you were younger! Life is short, do not wait for her...she may be giving you what she THOUGHT you wanted...time and space...along with guilt, and mourning you, is alot to convey, especially if you closed the door. Learn from that time long ago, contact her, and let her know, you wish only for one day at a time, but you can promise never to shut that door, if she wants to try! I would welcome this wholeheartedly, will your firstmom? I do not know, but you won't either, unless you try. The ball was left in 'your court" so to speak! Blessings, C.J.
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Emma, as a firstmom, I would venture to say that, yes indeed, she DID look at you that way and, if she has any pictures of you, she probably still looks at them that way. I would suggest you reach out to her. She is probably waiting and hoping to hear from you so she can have the opportunity to look at you that way again
(((Emma)))
Emma,
First and foremost ((hugs)). Last week I talked to my bmom for the first time in 48 years. The ideas I had in my head all these years, the why (relinquishment), wondering if she cared, wondering this and that did not turn out to be any of the scenarios I had dreamed up over the years. She did love me, it affected her whole life, she never had another child because of it, she didn't plan on giving me up until a doctor pushed the matter (she was 16). We've talked on the phone over 15 hours already and I plan to see her next month. I think sending your bmom a card is a viable idea. It at leasts puts it on the table that you are there and are thinking of her. Perhaps she is over wrought with emotions. Sometimes we try to push painful things away by just pretending they didn't happen. I wish you all the best Emma and I thank you for sharing your story, it really touched me.
emmacj
thank you all so much for your replies. i've been so lost lately about everything, and dont really have anyone here that i can talk to about it. my parents are a bit funny about the whole thing and i find its easier just not to bring it up. i havent really been on any forums or anything and i never thought i would, i just didnt know where else to turn. its gotten to the stage where there literally isnt anywhere to turn.. my doctor has given me countless medications for depression, but nothing seems to be working. it feels hopeless.
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:love: She has six children. It would be beyond my imagination that she did not look at you that way, that she did not have that look every time she thinks about you...very confidently I believe she did. She has six children. Some of them may be teens or older by now. She was a teen. She knows how time can go by in a life for no real reason, no drama. She knows how other things can be and should be more central to a teen's life. I would be very surprised if she hasn't been waiting for you. She has six children. She may be at a point where she is really overwhelmed with her daily life and keeping a household together and running. She may be one of those magical moms, lol, who seem to keep things rolling and can stretch to infinity. Either way, if you emotionally allow her some of the leeway you need from her, start out assuming good faith, I think you will find many good things. I think you should let her know you would like to start again.
She did look at me that way! I sent away for some information from the agency, my original birth certificate, and copies of interviews that my birthparents had, and I found this:
"What is the extent of contact the mother had with child in hospital? : I saw the child in hospital twice & held her for quite a long period of time. I love my child as any mother would and feel glad that she was healthy & beautiful."
I don't even know what to say, I feel so much at peace with this now. So many issues have arisen since, but this is exactly what I needed to hear. It was in her handwriting, she wrote it, she felt it. I cant believe it, I can't stop crying! lol
- Emma
Time got away from you and you didn't respond to her last letter for four years...am I correct? And you never heard back from her?? Have you done anything to reach out to her again since your post? Maybe you are both so afraid of rejection that it is preventing you both from moving forward. Is that possible?
Wishing you blessings & peace
how beautiful. i do believe she would ha ve looked at you that way. im a mum and i often think of my son. i dont celebrate xmas or birthdays personally b ut always send a message all the time letting him know he is always on my mind. i have all year to giv e my kids gifts and tell them i love them, not just on holidys and that one special day . hope this helps
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emmacj
Hello,
My name is Emma & I am new to all of this. I've never really spoken to anyone about my feelings on being adopted, but I can't just deal with it on my own anymore.
I have always known I was adopted, and have had a happy life with my adoptive parents. There is nothing they could have done more in raising me. I recently turned 21, and it's like a switch was turned on. I just wish I could turn it off again.
I met my birthfather when I was 12. He was married (not to my birthmother) with three young boys, and a newborn daughter. I was so thrilled that he wanted to meet me, and at last, I had brothers and a sister! Unfortunately, this was short lived, as his wife was unhappy with him meeting me, and although we involved her and the children as much as we could (we never saw my birthfather without them there) she believed that he was spending too much time with me (I saw him roughly twice a year). She became extremely nasty (I was 13 by this time) and contact eventually ceased. I still have contact with his parents, who are beautiful, and two of his nieces.
This event was one of the most traumatic of my life. I was sexually abused when I was 14, and I genuinely have trouble deciding which event is holding me back the most (I'm not using this example in general, just for me personally).
A few years passed, and I decided to write to my birthmother. I had always been curious about what she looked like, if she had any children, etc. I received a letter, and photos back, which was fantastic. She has six children, and had just given birth to her last daughter when I made contact (so much for being worried about not having brothers or sisters!). We exchanged a few letters, and due to events in my life, I didn't write back to her last letter. Not because I didn't want to, but time just got away and before I knew it, four years have passed. The baby daughter she was bringing home would be in kinder now.
I turned 21 in July last year, and I spend months before my birthday wondering if I would receive a letter from my birthmother. It meant more to me than I could say, and never told anyone how much it ripped me apart when my birthday came and went, without contact from either of my birthparents.
I've spent so long hoping she was thought about me, and just wishing that I meant something to her. In the photo where she is giving her baby daughter her first bath, she is looking at her so lovingly, and holding her so gently as if she might break. I cant help but think, did she ever look at me that way? Did she look at me and smile, or was it a relief when they took me away?
This has become a constant source of grief for me, and I just needed a place to vent. I need some help.. I literally have sores under my eyes from crying myself to sleep. I just need to know she loves me.
Thank you for listening.
Dear Emma,
FYI, I am a birthmother who successfully and joyfully reunited with my firstborn daughter 21 years ago! We are blessed to have a close and wonderful relationship.
I don't know if I totally understand what transpired with you and your birthmother, but if you didn't respond to her last correspondence years ago, she may feel that you no longer wanted contact with her and doesn't want to be intrusive. She may be hurting as much as you are. The only way to find out is if you can find the courage to try to contact her again.
I am sure that she loved you and had that same loving look when she saw you for the first time. 99% of the birthmothers I know, gave up their child out of great love and with great pain.
Thoughts & Prayers are with you! Keep us posted when you can.
NanieB:wings: