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hello, im not sure if this is the right place for this kinda thing but i wasn't sure where to put it or if this is even a big enough issue to put on these boards cause im sure there are others having hard times but id thought id just try. well im a 21 year old male adoptee, ive pretty much from the time i was about 6 known that i was adopted and saw my bmom and bdad maybe 2 years after? im not sure but i was little, and a couple more times after that. they both kinda backed off from it because they were being cautious and respecting my amom and adad as the parents, but they always wanted me to have a relationship with my aparents, felt it was important, so over the recent years Ive been talking to them and see them a lot more, at least once every 3 months if not sooner. my aparents gave me my adoption documents, i don't think they ment to hide it from me for this long but they just wanted me to have it just cause they feel it belongs to me. so the other night i looked through all of it, everything, letters my a and b parents sent back and fourth, documents, letters from my b side of the family to a parents..i almost wish i hadn't, it talks a little about the abuse my bmom went through when she was first pregnant with me and the therapy she had to go through even after i was born and the grief my bdad went through after i was gone and just a lot of other stuff..after i got done with everything a huge wave of guilt and anxiety hit me and i got upset reading it and it was hard reading through some of it. i know its not like there was anything i could do but this is really digging into me. my amom said she had been abused once in my early teen years but that's all she said. i mean i just don't know if all this is normal or what, after reading that,its very difficult to sleep. sorry this is so long but does this sound similar to anyone? or does anyone have any advice? this may sound like a stupid post but i dont feel comfortable asking anyone i know personally...
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What you're saying is not stupid, it is a real and valid issue. I can't give you advice on this but I know there are people here that can. This is a forum where concerns and issue's can be raised. There aren't licensed psycologist here but sometimes being able to talk to someone who has gone through it can be a great help. I would recommend trying to seek some sort of professional help too. This is a difficult issue to handle alone. Anyway I wish you all the best.
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It certainly hurts to gain an insight into the suffering and pain of others that is why a lot of people try to distance themselves from those in pain. I had spoken to a priest friend of mine once about possibly working with a hospice agency and he told me that it takes a special kind of person to do that work as it is so emotionally draining.
Try the focus the anxiety and sorrow that you are feeling into a stronger understanding of the sacrifice that your bmom and bdad made because they wanted you to have a better life than they felt that they could provide. Relish in the fact that to them you were that important to them.
Hope this helps some.
Best wishes.
I can see why reading these things would be upsetting to you. They are hard truths to handle for anyone, but I hope that you don't feel responsible for your bparents' pain or difficulties because you are not the cause of these things. There were circumstances beyond anyone's control going on at that time, and while I think it is good to feel empathy towards your bparents, it's not good to take on their pain. Take some time to process these emotions you are having, and if need be, seek out some counseling. It must have all come as quite a shock to you, and is totally understandable.
Hey Sheldon5! :flower:
I'm Janey!
I was very touched by your thoughtful post and didn't find it at all stupid by the way.
Abuse is a hard thing to come to terms with whether it's our own or that of people we love and care for. Heck, even people we don't know. No decent person likes to think of others suffering.
I understand the racing to blame oneself but if you can, try to be kind too yourself and not take on the responsibility for someone else's bad actions. The abuser is at fault - not you (said with compassion).
It doesn't matter what excuse they use; that's all it is; an excuse.
You weren't even born when your bmom suffered what she did and you were just a young teen when your amom was abused. It wasn't your fault and it wasn't theirs.
I'm glad you shared your feelings with us. As Peachy said, they're totally understandable.
Hope you keep posting and hugs to ya! :flower:
thank you all for your kind replies, it really helped and to just talk about it has help too. no i don't really blame myself for what happened, i mean i was still "in the oven" when all this was happening to her, and even if she hadn't given me up for adoption and was a kid and all this was happening there still wouldn't be anything i could really do. i know she didn't want me to experience any of that so she gave me up to parents who would love me. i really cant express how grateful i am for what she did..but still i cant help but feeling guilt over what happened. I cant help but picturing what all happened. thank you again for all your kind replies.
oh and maybe i made a mistake with who was abused but it was my bmom not amom sorry if i confused you Janey!
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