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We are getting a new FD on Monday(she's 11) and I am looking for some new positive discipline methods. The social worker informed us that she has alot of anger and is going to be feeling alot of hurt and rejection when she is moved from her current FH to ours. I was told to expect her to really push the boundaries and test us and our authority... So I am looking for some positive ideas to use when dealing with her behavior. I want to be firm with her but also let her know I care... Any ideas... thanks
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Because this always stayed in my mind...I belong to a running/walking group and there is a woman that is raising her niece. She takes her niece 3x a week for runs and then the long run on the weekends, because it opens communication between them (anger issues) and running seems to be therapeutic for her.
I may not advise this right off the bat until you know she won't be running away from anyone, but if there is active living in the home, sometimes this really helps. Sometimes a track in an enclosed field/area is better to start with as well.
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So I guess it won't be that hard.
The running thing was just an idea...until you get a feel for a particular child, you may not know 100% what will be good for positive responses.
It worked for this lady I mentioned, and I've read of similar running programs in my 'Runner's World' magazine as well for children who have different sets of anger issues, so I know it's an avenue some people try and are successful with.
Oh, I think running is great. And I agree that it can be a really good bonding tool and a good way to get out frustrations. In fact, most kids should do more of it. I was saying that I didn't think it would help with the running away thing. Kids don't run away to "run", they do it for control and to escape.
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I love the Jane Neilson Positive Discipline Book Series. There is one for every age group full of ideas and implementation. In Houston there are regular positive discipline workshops that I find very helpful. If you haven't read the book already, I really reccommend it!
Alot of it really focuses on making sure they know what is going to happen ahead of time so they can make the choices they feel comfortable with:
If you leave your clothes on the floor instead of putting them in the basket, I won't know what needs to be washed.
If your clothes aren't washed you will have to wear dirty clothes.
If you want clean clothes, please put them in the hamper.
(And then the hard part) Letting them wear the dirty clothes they left on the floor instead of washing them.
The books are great tools!
That sounds a lot like the "Parenting with Love and Logic" books. They promote natual consequences. I use that technique a lot with my RAD daughter. She can't understand when something is explained to her, but she can see the results when they affect her. Sounds like this would work somewhat with the child in this thread.
If it s the same as saying... You repeat what the child is saying by just stating what they expressing.. for example... I am so mad at you ..... then you state I understand that you are mad/angry/ upset... It just validates what the child is thinking/ feeling and allows them to see that you understand.. I learned and have used it with odd children in a residential facility to 4th graders with behaviors.. it seems to work..
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txwannabemom
If you leave your clothes on the floor instead of putting them in the basket, I won't know what needs to be washed.
If your clothes aren't washed you will have to wear dirty clothes.
If you want clean clothes, please put them in the hamper.
(And then the hard part) Letting them wear the dirty clothes they left on the floor instead of washing them.
txwannabemom
If you leave your clothes on the floor instead of putting them in the basket, I won't know what needs to be washed.
If your clothes aren't washed you will have to wear dirty clothes.
If you want clean clothes, please put them in the hamper.
(And then the hard part) Letting them wear the dirty clothes they left on the floor instead of washing them.
txwannabemom
If your clothes aren't washed you will have to wear dirty clothes.
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We learned Flipping in our Behavior classes.
Flip the situation by changing the place, calling their attention to something else. It's basically redirecting the child.
Examples: You tell the child to do their chore, they make an ugly face and backtalk you. Say, wow, what face was that you made? Do you make a lot of different faces? I'm not sure what those faces are and what they mean. Because, I need to know, I'm just here to HELP. Get a paper and start taking notes the description of the face, and what mood they might be inwhen they make that face. Are there any other faces? By this point, you have flipped the situation and can probably get them to do that chore w/o a problem.
Another example is to keep moving. They are throwing a tantrum and you say, you know, could you maybe move from the living room to the kitchen to throw your tantrum, because you know the lighting is better in the kitchen, blah, blah,blah. By them moving, you've flip the sit.
It sounds kooky, but it works. My favorite line is "Hey, I'm just trying to help."
I like those ideas;) Flipping it sounds like what I try to do.
Just a side note on the running, I "run" I guess. I was adopted and worked through alot. Then had a hot tempered Adopt. Dad. He was never physical, just got really, really mad and wanted to be right all the time. I learned to "run" to let everyone cool off. Then talk later. I still do this. If everyone is all hyped up, I leave the situation informing them that when they're ready (or I'm ready) to have a decent convo, let me know. I was going to say oh you're wrong, I didn't do it for control. But I did. Just ina good way. Not to control and be right, but to control the situation from getting worse.