Is it me? or maybe im just selfish

I do appreciate both of you taking the time to read and respond. To be honest with you I never thought anyone would read it let alone respond to it!!! In a strange way, just to know someone took the time made me feel good about me! If that makes any sense...lol:grouphug:

Of course many will read and you will get responses. We are all here to support each other. We all go through the pain and understand where you are coming from. We all feel the emotions at different levels and have them at different times in our lives, but they are there. I have learned that the only people that can really understand what I feel and how I feel are those that have lived somewhat the same...meaning, growing up adopted. We all walk separate paths in life, but it is a small world and there are many intersections where we can meet. BTW, nobody came looking for me, either. I went looking for them. When I found my bmom some 15 years ago, she told me that she didn't feel she had the right to find me. She already made the most significant decision on my life and she would never interfere in my life until/unless I "invited" her into it. :grouphug:

Adoption is not who we are, but an event that took place in our life. I am sorry that you feel that other people take pity on you because you are adopted. Personally, I haven't really ever had someone pity me because of the fact that I was adopted. Usually, when I CHOSE to tell people I was adopted they would be interested in "my story" but there was never any pity that I can remember. And besides, who cares what "people" think. What is more important is what you think. You have already stated that your attitude stinks, so my first suggestion would be to do something about the ONLY thing you can do something about...YOU! You can't change how others in your life react, feel, or respond, but you can choose how you react, feel and respond. I would suggest that you even get some counseling. (I have and it has helped. I THOUGHT I was going there for a few issues I had with my bmom, but it has gone FAR beyond those.) Too be honest, and this is MY opinion...adoption is to blame for a lot of things that it isn't at fault for....but it sometimes is the "easy" or "obvious" reason, when in truth it isn't. Another thing, don't think that reuniting with your biological family is going to make you "fit" or "feel complete" or that they will be everything you needed them to be! You can NOT go into reunion believing that the "fantasy" you created about these people is going to be lived out. Trust me, I learned...the HARD way! I am reunited, but it hasn't "helped" me in the ways I thought it would, or in the ways I wanted it to. It has changed me. It has answered questions. It has also created new ones...hard ones. So, my advise, in a nut shell is to be okay with you first. Regardless of what happens to us in our lives, we have to learn and grow from it. You have a choice to either become bitter or better and that choice is up to you alone!

BrockBaby's quote reminded me of this article:[URL="http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/us_and_americas/article6531698.ece"]DNA proves Steven Damman's kidnapping claim wrong - Times Online[/URL] Mr Barnes said that he had long suspected that he was not part of the family who raised him. As I got older I realised how different I was from my mother and father and something was not right,Ӕ he said. I was not sure if I was kidnapped or switched at birth or adopted. I just knew I did not come from these people. I did not fit in with my family. ӓI did not look like them. They were all dark complected [sic] brown eyes, dark hair. They were shorter than I was. They have different personalities.ה Even people who are NOT adopted feel -- isolated, different, and misunderstood at some point in time. It is unfortunate that this man nursed his feelings for a lifetime.

How are you treated differently? Did something happen recently to make you feel this way? Being an adoptee myself, the subject is the single most emotionally charged issue in my life. My parents are great, and I've always considered myself lucky to have them. When it came to others though, it was really not a subject open for discussion. There have been times when it's been hard for me, but I have found many times that it's MY perception of reality that causes the ups and downs and not something someone else necessarily did. I'm 48 years old and just this past week found out that my birth family seached for me for 25 years while I looked for them. And I will accept that it wasn't meant to be until now. If you want to search, then search, do it with the idea that it's almost like a "let's make a deal" show where you don't know what is behind the door until the deal is done. Could be the big prize, or booby prize, but at least you got to pick a door. I firmly believe the things we regret most are the things we say no to. Good luck to you and I'm sending you a cyber hug..:)

Kitty May, ive never heard anyone compare it to lets make a deal!!! lol But I liked it...im gonna collect my thoughts and think about that for a while! Ill let you k now how i feel.....:)

linus....it seems you are describing the same feelings that many adoptees have. There is a feeling of being an outsider...not unique...not special...only "different from" non adoptees...some days your attachment to those feelings is not unlike a shadow that never speaks...it demands more of your concentration than at other times....you may try to withdraw, and attempt to escape into something else, but its always there.People who have experienced re-union, describe a roller coaster ride related to many parts of the re-union. I think this is true to a lesser extent with adoption peer se. My family kept me as an outsider, much as you describe. As long as they lived I was different and not a family member. I never told anyone I was adopted and after I moved away from the town where I grew up, I never mentioned adoption again. It was just my way of becoming whole to my peers and friends....and it remained a personal part of me.I wish you the best.

well i have tried to search for my birthfamily and since it was a closed adoption it looks like that want nothing to do with me..... the rejection hurts! Even more so because i have no one to lean on that really cares to hear about it. You know how people tell you they support you and if you need anything they are here for you.... not so much! I think people just say that in case you have some juicy info they want to hear! The bottom line is.....they dont mean it the way you take it when they say it!!!! OUCH!!!!!!!! that smarts!

i wanna move away! But i dont because i know my bf wont come with me and im afraid that will damage the relationship he has with our son, cause i dont think i could leave him behind! EIther of them, but ive thought about it....ohhhhhh i think about it all the time!

It's hard to know where anyone is in their story. A closed adoption doesnt mean that your family will never want any contact. You may be able to get some non-identifying info that may lead to more information. You may have sibs that are willing to meet or have been searching for you. Don't give up. If this is something you want, go for it. There are many success stories that started out as a closed adoption.I wish you the best.

Hey, I am so sorry you feel bad. Today is the birthday of my daughter that I gave up for adoption 26 years ago. I have not tried to contact her because I made a promise to her when she was born that I would not disrupt her life by contacting her. I do put my info on sites like this and with the ISSR if she does want to find me. I love her as much now as the day she was born. I love her so much that I fight the urge to hire someone to find her. You never know how your birthparents feel and I don't know that my daughter doesn't feel just like you. I hope not. I hope you find peace.

"closed adoption" means neither the birthparent nor the adoptive parent could know info about the other. NOT that they didn't want to know. That's the way the laws were for a long time. Some agencies probably still do it that way. I had it impressed on me strongly that I gave up any right to know, to ask, to search, to interfere. If you post your info: date of birth, city, state of birth, adoption agency if known, hospital, and the birthparent does the same, you may find one another. That's how my son and I found one another; a free search angel on a free site matched us up fairly quickly, after years of no results elsewhere. That way, no one who's not ready (yet) can intrude on the other at the wrong stage of life.

Linusloves, Try not to let the closed, they aren't searching for me, thing get to you. it can make you really hurt and mad! I let it get to me for a while, then I turned that energy into finding everyone. i am glad I did, my dad didn't know I existed, and my mother was afraid to find me, didn't want to disrupt my life, or hers, she'd never told anyone including her husband and kids. When I first found her she ran and hid her head in the sand. That rejection nearly did me in after searching for 20 years and finally finding her. But it set me on a new path. I didn't give up, gave my mom time and info about me so she wouldn't be afraid. Years later we are close and have gotten to know each other. Finding everyone has helped me in many ways, so many ways. But others are right, it doesn't answer all of your questions, or change your feelings instantly, it will bring up more questions, it's a big missing piece of the puzzle. I "liked" that part, the new questions, the new insights I found by exploration of it all, even tho it was/is very hard, I've gotten to know myself better than I ever thought was possible. I wish that had been my main goal from the beginning. You don't have to know anyone else to get to know yourself more deeply. Hang in there :)

I've always feel second class in my family too, my brother always got top billing. He was the cute one, the smart one, with the great personality and friends etc... I was the opposite in pretty much everyway. But this wasn't an adoption issue since we were both adopted. From different families. My a mom was also reluctant to discuss adoption issues and I think she feared our looking up b families. I think she was afraid of losing us or that we'd like them better? For this reason I never searched for b family or ever really felt the need to, neither did my brother. They did look me up when I was in my 30's and I know it bothered my a Mom. Which made me feel bad. Meeting b familly was interesting. To see people that look like you. But it wasn't something that I needed for my life to be complete or anything, nor did it really add much to my life. We don't have much of a relationship which is my fault as I really don't feel any connection to them. I'm sorry that I feel that way but can't help it. They are like distant relatives that I don't know. My a family is my family and always will be. I know this isn't common thinking here. Most want to know their b family and I understand that and thats fine for them. This is just my own feelings and experience. I guess this is a long way of saying that maybe the reason your family is quiet about your adoption is that maybe they are afraid of losing you? People forget that a parents have feelings that get hurt too. I know I used to hurt mine when I was a kid and kept asking questions about my "real parents" not knowing any better at the time. I hope that you find what you need and this is a great place to come and talk with others that have had similar experiences. Take care.

Morah, so much of what u said in terms of your personal feelings struck a bell.Additionally it opened up questions that i had not thought about.I was an outsider in my a-family because they set it up that way when the adoption secret was shared. It was an assignment and couldn't be changed.My story is long and convoluted and because of the feelings my a-family had for me, I was unable to search until after they had gone.It has been 50 years since my search began and there has never been any hint of b-family. Perhaps it's best.To have a re-union with strangers who are only linked by story and events would take a great deal of courage.Often I wonder what it would be like to find brothers and sisters. They would be new, different, and would they understand the grief and loss that is a part of adoption. Would they regard a new entry into their lives as an intrusion -- perhaps something they didn't ask for?My own thoughts in that situation often cause me to wonder how I would feel. Would I be able to accept them? Would we each be able to accept the new relationship on equal terms?These questions are all parts of the search that for the most part remain unanswered. I don't have any answers, but I do understand your feelings; glad you shared them.I wish you the best.