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Let me start by saying we have 3 biological sons, ages almost 7yrs and 3.5yr old twins. We originally wanted to do foster to adopt for a girl younger than our oldest. We also said we would take a sibling set of 2. We since have said we would consider a boy depending the the situation.
After our last class last night we are so confused. It was all about when a child comes into our home rules we should have, privacy issues, etc. I understand the need for a door alarm, but how do you respect privacy of the foster child by following them everywhere they go. Also the bathroom is right outside our other boys rooms. As for privacy all I can say that experienced moms would understand, we have 3yr old boys! They frequently walk around without pants on , we are working on them dressing themselves which one refuses to do. anyways my dh said he didn't realize how much life would change. Do we all have to wear robes? When do we take the alarm off a childs door, after we adopt? Can we not cuddle in our bed the way we do now? I am asking because the SW scared us. We have no problem with respect, but what do you do with biolgical kids who still walk in on you in the bathroom, my oldest is told not to, but truely doesn't get it.
Sorry this is so long. I don't mean to sound stupid, I just wanted to know if some things in our house will remain ok and normal(kids allowed to stay in jammies all day sometimes), etc.
Thank you for any ecouragement.
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I've found that most of the rules that we find strange are intended for older kids and not the really young ones. The door alarm is strange to me, but we aren't required to have that here in Texas. With little ones, I really don't worry about the fully clothed issue, closing the bathroom door,(because the toddler will open it and I don't want to be on the other side of a closed door from her), or the older one(bio) walking into the bathroom when I'm coming out of the shower.
A lot of this has to do with the issues those children may have experienced that brought them into care in the first place. You just have to strike a balance between the need to be cognizant about their needs and maintaining some family stability. Every child is different and will need different levels of supervision. So far with us, we have not had to do any major rearrangements of our life with our foster children(we've had 5 since being licensed in July 08). The oldest we have had was 4 yrs old. When we do weekend respite, it is usually for older kids and then we have to change some of our usual behaviors in respect to having a kid who is 10-12 yrs old. DH will make sure he doesn't put on PJ's until the child is in bed asleep. He will put on lounge pants and always be fully clothed. I do the same thing. Some of the changes are for our protection as much as theirs.
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Ditto what Caddo said. We keep the younger age range too. At that age, they aren't aware of modesty issues yet and sometimes they will get away from you without underwear or a pamper on. That's life with little kids.As for the alarm on the door, we don't have to do that in IN, so that sounds far-fetched to me too. We were encouraged to use one if we got a placement who liked to run away from home or one who molested younger kids. But other than that, we don't need one.Life hasn't changed drastically for us. We have occasional days where we lounge around in PJ's all day. We have to let down and relax sometimes and that's okay!For the most part, our foster kids become part of our family and we treat them like our own kids. When we want to hang out and have an out-of-the-ordinary kind of day, we do it and the kids like it!
mynameismom
Just to clarify we don't have to use an alarm, but were told we really should consider it strongly.
thanks so far for the replies
We have changed a few things as far as modesty are concerned when our AS, age 9, is here (we are finishing up visits and he will be moving in in 9 days!)...such as sleeping with the door closed, making sure we have pajamas on before we leave our bedroom, bringing clothes into the bathroom with us when we shower instead of walking out in a towel to our room, but as far as changing things with our DS (age 6)...if he needs to come in to our room after a nightmare or something, we still let him. He still needs to have his needs met too.
StephanieMB
Ditto what Caddo said. We keep the younger age range too. At that age, they aren't aware of modesty issues yet and sometimes they will get away from you without underwear or a pamper on. That's life with little kids.
As for the alarm on the door, we don't have to do that in IN, so that sounds far-fetched to me too. We were encouraged to use one if we got a placement who liked to run away from home or one who molested younger kids. But other than that, we don't need one.
Life hasn't changed drastically for us. We have occasional days where we lounge around in PJ's all day. We have to let down and relax sometimes and that's okay!
For the most part, our foster kids become part of our family and we treat them like our own kids. When we want to hang out and have an out-of-the-ordinary kind of day, we do it and the kids like it!
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greenmama
We have changed a few things as far as modesty are concerned when our AS, age 9, is here (we are finishing up visits and he will be moving in in 9 days!)...such as sleeping with the door closed, making sure we have pajamas on before we leave our bedroom, bringing clothes into the bathroom with us when we shower instead of walking out in a towel to our room, but as far as changing things with our DS (age 6)...if he needs to come in to our room after a nightmare or something, we still let him. He still needs to have his needs met too.
Thank you all so much. We left the last class feeling like any child we bring in our home is going to possibly molest one of my little ones. I think the monitor is a good idea, we will put one in our twins room they are loud too so we would definately hear them!
We are going to be doing treatment foster-adopt care. Unfortunately doing regular fost-adopt in our state rarely happens. We are only taking children who have TPR. We will have time to look at files and pray so I have realized we just need to take this a step at a time.
Our SW has made it clear she wouldn't place kids in our home who have been sexually abused or acted out that way.
Thank you for helping us to relax a bit. We want a bigger family. Not someone who will feel like a prisoner or outsider in our home. I understand the need for alarms if we have a runner, but not just for any child placed.
I am so glad I found this sight for support!:thanks:
I remember feeling the exact same way at the end of those classes and we had second thoughts about fostering. But my dh and I agreed that the trainers' job is to be brutally honest about worst case scenario, they do not want anyone getting into foster care with a pie-in-the-sky idea of how it all is.In truth, there are extremely troubled kids out there, but mostly you'll probably get children who act pretty normal plus some emotional baggage from what they came out of. GL in your foster/adopt journey! It's going to be a roller-coaster ride of emotions probably, but it's extremely rewarding at the same time.
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