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Dear Mom,
First, let me apologize in advance for making any assumptions about you, or your decisions. It's not like I actually know you or ever saw your face so give me the benefit of the doubt here.
Its been 34 years since you gave birth to me. Give or take some time as I am dubious to the accuracy of my birth certificate. I am not angry that you gave me up for adoption. After all I am certain you wanted to give me a "better life" one which I presume you could not provide for me. This is a beautiful act on your behalf. You selflessly denied me the most basic knowledge of one's ancestry, cultural identity, genetic foundations of beginning, and irreversible bonds that existed between our DNA. You triumphantly braved ALL that is natural and orderly in the universe of species that reproduce to provide me this "better life."
It must have taken a great deal of courage to strip me of perhaps the ONLY thing in this world that I was entitled to; my "birth-right"
My "better life" you reasoned on the constructs of the capitalist consumeristic society where $$ somehow prevailed over innate human bonds that exist when a woman carries a child in her womb. This was your decision, to transcend the bonds of humanity for the sake of a national order in where the definition of a "better life" was handing me over to some upwardly mobile white couple whom nature NEVER intended to create life. Because of their frail genetics, nature decided they should not create life. They were defective biologically, but PERFECTLY SUITABLE in our society? Because they were born fortunate and wealthy, they were able to BUY what nature never intended for them to have. In essence, it was YOU who decided that there ARE indeed things more important than money. Because my life is quite the contrary to phrases like "you always have your family" or "money comes and goes but you can count on your family."
Do you know what it's like to see a family portrait where your face looks nothing like those around you? Have you been to a family function and stared at your cousins amazed at how they look like their father or mother?
Mom, have you had to strike a huge line through a medical history survey in the doctors office and write "NOT APPLICABLE/ADOPTED PERSON". Or abruptly stop your dentist from his rant on taking care of your teeth because "my father" has very bad teeth and as you know this is passed on from generation to generation?
Will I lose my hair? I dont know you tell me? Or have high cholesterol? Is there a reason I should refrain from having children myself? Why don't you tell me?
Mom, you lived in the United States of America. We have NO NATIONAL IDENTITY, no national fabric? What were you thinking? Do YOU know what it was like to be in grade school where everyone wants to know "what are you?" Italian, German, Irish, etc.
I'll bet you forgot that you were socialized in a family from birth that made its lineage and identity obvious through name, customs, practice, and unity among other community members. Only in America Mom, the melting pot do people even today recite my last name and say 'what is that? Irish, German..."
So you left me in a nation of immigrants, whom define their lives by cultural identity and class with no anchor. No string to attach to my leg, that no matter where I flew or traveled I would always know the most basic thing in life, "who I was, and where I came from."
I was raised by a wealthy family. One of a minority religious belief. I suffered guilt by association. I took a great deal of s*%t for something I WASN'T! They tried to indoctrinate me, and raise me to believe in something that deep inside me I knew wasn't what I felt. I resisted and it complicated their lives mom. Slowly over many years it made them HATE ME.
IF you were poor mom, I have news for you-poverty can change, things can be better one day. But, what you took from me I can NEVER GET BACK. An identity in a sea of chaos and entropy. Millions upon millions of faces in this country, billions on the plant. To steal the RIGHT TO KNOW whom carried me in their body, who's genetic fibers created this body and mind I have--this IS INDEED the greatest crime of humanity.
I can't even HATE you because I don't know you?!! At least those close to me who choose not to speak to their sibling or parent have done so informed and rationally?? No, you stole that from me to participate in some capitalist heirarchical scheme where the "value" of "human life" was dependent upon financial resources.
It could not have been love? Mom, how can my adopted parents LOVE me? My adoptive mother was never pregnant. She didn't experience the chemical and physiological changes over the course of 9 months. She did not feel the pain of delivery or miracle of gestation.
No, my adoptive mother was the same dress size the day before she took me and the day after. Do you see how RANDOM and SICK that is???
Monday; NO BABY Tuesday: BABY IN ARMS.
This is the reason pregnancy is a term of a woman's life, because human bonding intended to last for life can not take place like buying a Maytag Washer.
Mom, its the reason why they HATE me and i HATE them. They never hesitated to have "expectations" of me, or make "judgements" about me. They NEVER accepted me for "who" I was because simply put; they never COULD know who I was and were incapable of loving a child unconditionally.
Instead they treated me like merchandise. The fruits of a "market transaction" and with any market transaction the consumer expects the product meet their expectations. After all they BOUGHT ME, with MONEY.
I want you to know how unstable life is when you don't know "who" you are. What its like to live in a nation of insular identities where you are "nobody." I want you to know I will NEVER PLAN A TRIP TO where my great great grandparents are from.
I will never taste a food of my heritage. I will NEVER have a religion, or a sibling to care for in times of hardship or need.
I feel nothing for that "shake and bake" family you thought would be a "better life" for me. No love, no respect. I can never express to you what its like to listen to your "imaginary" grandmother tell you stories and lore of how the family came to the USA, when you realize this lady is speaking of someone that has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. IT's NOT MY HISTORY IT'S THEIR HISTORY.
Sorry mom, I'm not a liar. I won't decide to pretend their family trials and tribulations are my own. They are not, and never will be no matter how hard I LIE.
So, you gave me life. What is life? To you it must be money? Because it can't be family?
Should I have children? What will I tell them? Where are they from?
What is happiness? You tell me? Because when all is said and done you have left me with nothing.
I am not nor will I EVER be thankful to my adoptive parents for anything. I need not respect, adore or love them. I have no obligation to them, or their customs, or culture. because they gave me NOTHING that is extraordinary. YOU gave me life, anyone could have paid to put me in private schools, or buy clothing.
Did you know, there is a HUMAN BEING ON THIS PLANET who is tortured every day of his life? Do you care? YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN SOLVE THIS MYSTERY FOR ME. YOU
IF you haven't considered that your anonymity has created a life of HELL for me this letter is to awaken your senses.
I am asking you to overcome YOUR SELFISH NEED to remain quiet for the sake of ME.
This is to inform you, to break the fantasies you have lulled your mind's conscience into believing. The puppies, the unicorns with star-dust you imagine my life as. A great big puffy sticker book or a volvo car ad with all my good looking multi-racial siblings and our green eco-friendly parents driving us to happy-ville.
Its not true. It never turned out this way.
Give me piece and let me live the rest of my life mom.
Let me find a place in this world. One you sleep at night with the luxury of knowing.
I have neither the comfort of knowing who I am, nor some silly notion of "he's in a better life" to help me get through the day.
If you are scared, or afraid of disrupting a happy family please don't worry. We havent spoken for years.
I don't know who you are. So, I can't possibly HATE you, I will trade ANY REASON you have for giving me up to learn the truth about my life. I promise.
M/ August 02 1974
Oak Park IL USA
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It sounds like it may be time to start searching for her. You have so many questions that only she can answer. There's a few "search angels" on this site who are really good at what they do. Maybe you should reach out to them and ask for help.
Good luck on your journey, and I honestly hope you find the answers to all your questions. You deserve that much...so does every person on this planet.
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Bkaugust,
I would agree it is probably time to consider searching. It pained me greatly to see so much anger in your letter, I'm sorry you are hurting so badly. There are some people never meant to be parents, but just because a couple is "biologically defective" and cannot create life doesn't mean that in their hearts or souls that they shouldn't be parents. It sounds like you got a lousy deal. My parents were not able to create me, but they raised, nurtured and loved me more than anyone ever could have asked. They absolutely deserved parenthood and they are respected and loved deeply by me. Perhaps a counselor could help you work through the anger. There are plently of folks out there who think that money can buy anything, and that would include a baby, but obviously if they are not nurturing or loving, what good are material things? May I please ask you what religion you spoke of? You know there are zealots in every religion, those certain people that turn others off immediately with their overbearing ways. I hope that won't cause you to close the door on a future relationship with a God/Religion of your choosing. There is comfort sometimes to be found in faith. I also noticed you specified an upwardly mobile "white" couple. Is there some significance there? There is goodness that exists in every race and evil that exists in every race. It's best to judge people by how they conduct their affairs and their morals rather by skin color. Skin color doesn't say anything a person, it's what is underneath that leaves the impressions. I wish you all the best and hope you find the peace that you are so desperately seeking.
Kitty
I am a birthmother and an adoptive mother. I have to say that I think you need some serious counseling before you find your birth mother. You are so angry and spiteful right now. You accuse her of being selfish, greedy, ignorant, heartless. When I placed my son I was a teenager in high school. My parents threatened to kick me out if I kept the baby. The father of the baby denied the baby was his. His father was an abusive alcoholic, his mother was dying of breast cancer. The only grandparents I had living were alcoholic and my grandfather is extremely violent. Both of my parents are only children and I have no aunts, uncles, cousins. I was alone. I feel I had no choice but to place my son for adoption. Should I have dropped out of school at 16 and lived on the street alone with a newborn? He deserved better. I received no money for his adoption so you cannot accuse me of "money being more important than family." Speaking of family, the family that called me a whore for getting pregnant and the family that threatened me into giving up my baby, they said they could not believe I "gave away their own flesh and blood." They called me selfish, they called me ignorant. I have lived with pain you can't imagine. You are a man and you couldn't fathom what it's like to carry a baby for 9 months and then let him go. In your state of mind right now you can't understand how a mother loves her son so much that she does the best thing for him even though it almost kills her. I have dreamed since the day he was born that one day I will see him again and tell him how much I love him. I think about him every day and still miss him terribly. However, if he wrote me your letter I would refuse to see him. I couldn't handle all that hate and vitriole from him. Obviously since I have a birth son I am not "biologically defective" so that is not the reason I went on to adopt a son. My life came full circle and I was in a position to do for my adopted son what I could not do for my birthson. My birthson's mother was in different circumstances but they were just as dire as mine were when I placed. I love my adopted son with all my heart, soul and every fiber of my being. He is loved, adored, nurtured and accepted for who he is. You seem to have the same hate for all adoptive mothers that you do for your birthmother. I guess a girl just can't win with you. I hope you get some counseling and work on all this hate while you search for your birthmother. All that pent up rage is hurting you physically and mentally. If you find a way to let go of it you will be happier and healthier and you will be in a good place in your life when you do find your birthmom. Maybe you could develope a relationship with her. Maybe everything could turn out terrific. However, I think if you find her while you are in this state of mind you will scare her off and then you will really be all alone. You probably think I'm the devil since I am a birth and adoptive mom, but I really wish you some peace and I hope you find the answers you are looking for.
August - I want you to know that I understand what you are saying. I think you and I may very well have taken the same college courses, perhaps even the same major. It is hard separating the academicia from the emotions, isn't it? Much of your perspective/construct is so correct...it's almost painful to read.You are three years younger than my son. I know the time period you were born in...I was there, I surrendered my son in that era. If you need to talk, I'm here...I promise I'll listen. Just send me a private message (PM)...sometimes, it helps to vent to someone from those long-ago days. :loveyou:
Gwen72
I am a birthmother and an adoptive mother. I have to say that I think you need some serious counseling before you find your birth mother. You are so angry and spiteful right now. You accuse her of being selfish, greedy, ignorant, heartless. When I placed my son I was a teenager in high school. My parents threatened to kick me out if I kept the baby. The father of the baby denied the baby was his. His father was an abusive alcoholic, his mother was dying of breast cancer. The only grandparents I had living were alcoholic and my grandfather is extremely violent. Both of my parents are only children and I have no aunts, uncles, cousins. I was alone. I feel I had no choice but to place my son for adoption. Should I have dropped out of school at 16 and lived on the street alone with a newborn? He deserved better. I received no money for his adoption so you cannot accuse me of "money being more important than family." Speaking of family, the family that called me a whore for getting pregnant and the family that threatened me into giving up my baby, they said they could not believe I "gave away their own flesh and blood." They called me selfish, they called me ignorant. I have lived with pain you can't imagine. You are a man and you couldn't fathom what it's like to carry a baby for 9 months and then let him go. In your state of mind right now you can't understand how a mother loves her son so much that she does the best thing for him even though it almost kills her. I have dreamed since the day he was born that one day I will see him again and tell him how much I love him. I think about him every day and still miss him terribly. However, if he wrote me your letter I would refuse to see him. I couldn't handle all that hate and vitriole from him. Obviously since I have a birth son I am not "biologically defective" so that is not the reason I went on to adopt a son. My life came full circle and I was in a position to do for my adopted son what I could not do for my birthson. My birthson's mother was in different circumstances but they were just as dire as mine were when I placed. I love my adopted son with all my heart, soul and every fiber of my being. He is loved, adored, nurtured and accepted for who he is. You seem to have the same hate for all adoptive mothers that you do for your birthmother. I guess a girl just can't win with you. I hope you get some counseling and work on all this hate while you search for your birthmother. All that pent up rage is hurting you physically and mentally. If you find a way to let go of it you will be happier and healthier and you will be in a good place in your life when you do find your birthmom. Maybe you could develope a relationship with her. Maybe everything could turn out terrific. However, I think if you find her while you are in this state of mind you will scare her off and then you will really be all alone. You probably think I'm the devil since I am a birth and adoptive mom, but I really wish you some peace and I hope you find the answers you are looking for.
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August - I understand where you are coming from as an adoptee myself. Beleive me all the feelings you are going through I and most adoptees have gone through too. I did not have the best life growing up but I guess it could have been worse compared to other adoptees that i've talked too. I felt uncomfortable growing up when kids would start talking about their heritage. I had none but I took on my aparents heritage anyway just for the sake of being a part of the conversation. I cringed everytime I went to a new doctor when they would ask my medical history. How embarrasing that was. I found my bparents 4 years ago. I had a chance to talk to my bmom but I have never met her just in pictures. She is not someone I want a relationship with but at least I got some information and family history from her. My bdad passed away in 2001 but I got alot of family and medical history from his side of the family. The only thing I want to say is think about what you want from your bparents when you start searching. My other advice is to find a search angel to help with your search. I found my bparents through one of them. I don't know the name of the one who helped me but if you ask on here someone maybe be able to help you or just go to the internet and type in "search angel". Anyway I wish you the best in your search and if I can be of any assistance, you can "PM' anytime. If anything I am here for support. Take care and God bless! Oh by the way you have the right to be angry just don't let it consume you which sounds like you haven't. Don't let anyone tell you you don't have the right to you biological history afterall everyone else has theirs. You have two history's one on adoptive side and one biological.
"It could not have been love? Mom, how can my adopted parents LOVE me? My adoptive mother was never pregnant. She didn't experience the chemical and physiological changes over the course of 9 months. She did not feel the pain of delivery or miracle of gestation.No, my adoptive mother was the same dress size the day before she took me and the day after. Do you see how RANDOM and SICK that is??? Monday; NO BABY Tuesday: BABY IN ARMS. This is the reason pregnancy is a term of a woman's life, because human bonding intended to last for life can not take place like buying a Maytag Washer." I feel that you are overlooking the ability of women to bond with their adopted children. My son, who is now 18, could not be bonded any more to me if he was my bio son. I didn't need to be pregnant for my maternal instincts to kick in. The very first night we had him with us (he was 10 months old), I woke up every time he rolled over or made a noise. Even today, if he comes to my door in the middle of the night and says, "Mom" very softly, I am instantly awake. I love my son with every fiber of my being and with every breath in my body. Bonding is not an instanteous thing. It happens over time. I come from a family where two of my grandparents -- my mother's mom and my father's dad -- were adopted. So are four of my cousins. No one cares about whether somebody is biologically related or not. We are family because we see each other as family. And even those of us who are biologically related don't look much like each other anyway. All those mixed up genes. I am sorry that you are so angry and bitter. I hope you can find someone to talk to and come to peace with your families and most of all, with yourself. Robin
Well. I am an adoptee and I agree with Gwen in that it would probably be helpful for you to talk to someone. Anger festers and consumes and has to be dealt with and faced head on at some point in our lives. You do have a right to be angry. Almost all of us adoptees have a right to be angry, but in the end we are accountable to ourselves and sometimes we just have to accept things and move forward or live our lives in misery.
It took my birth mother over 35 years to search for me. It came out of the blue and I declined contact at that time because of family pressures and I wasn't ready. I do know a few pieces of the puzzle behind my adoption and am kind of aware of the my birth mothers situation and the scenario from where I came. It wasn't pretty. I assume that is why she took so long to even try to contact me. My adopted mom had an absolute fit about it so I declined contact at that time.
Do you know every thing about your birth mothers situation? Where she was in life? What pressures were on her? What she was dealing with? If she is even still alive? I don't know any of those things about my birth mom and they don't matter other than the still alive part. What matters is that she is a key part of my life and I would like to get to know that part. The messy details don't matter. I just feel that I will be healed a bit inside if I get to know her and hopefully she will be healed too.
I am so sorry that your adopted parents weren't there for you as parents should be for their children and I'm not trying to rile you up or stir the pot, I just know first hand what rage and anger feel like and how they suck the soul out of a person and I see a lot of rage in your letter and your responses to those that post here in an effort to help or show another side of the issue.
I think that it would be good to try to find her and that it would help heal some of your scars and will also lessen the burden that you are carrying. Would things turn out perfect? Maybe not but is there harm in hoping or trying?
Drop me a PM if you want to chat more.
Best wishes.
john
August- you do have a right to be angry. You seem to have gotten the short straw in life. I understand that and I respect that. I'm just trying to say that if you approach your birthmom in your current state you may scare her and she might be too afraid to talk to you. You come across as very angry and very aggressive and I think that is counterproductive to your goal. You had me upset and crying for hours after I read your letter and it wasn't even addressed to me. I can't imagine how she might feel. Also, I am in health care and I have seen people have heart attacks, strokes, migrains, intestinal issues and other symptoms all because they harbored pent up rage like you seem to be. It's not healthy for you. You are only poisoning yourself with this anger. I was very bitter and angry about what happened to me and my birthson for years. I suffered migrains, depression and intestinal problems. I finally got help. I just talked to someone for awhile, I didn't need meds or anything. I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my chest and all my symptoms went away. I just hope that you are able to find her and get the answers you deserve. I just think you need to approach this from a different angle to maximize your chances of success. Best of luck in your journey.
Sincerely,
Gwen
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I am an adoptee, whos known my birthfamily for many years, born and placed in the 80's, and although I have had a wonderful upbringing with adoptive parents who love me more than anything else in this world...I can relate to some of your sentiments.
There is a lot of joy in my adoption- even for me. But I am painfully aware that I am forever cut off from my genetic heritage- that the history of my family does not include me. I am also painfully aware that although my birthfamily is genetically related to me, the family "experience" will forever be lacking in my birthfamily.
It seems, sometimes, that I have 2 sets of parents that make the "whole picture" rather than the traditional 2. One gave me life and genetics- the other raised me and gave me love. When I have children, will they be as celebrated by their grandparents and aunts and uncles even though they are not biologically related to them? Or will my parents love my brother's sons more because they are their biological grandchildren? There are always questions.
Being placed for adoption has me displaced from thousands of years of genetic evolution.
But 100 years from now, if someone digs me up and traces my DNA to see where I come from- they will trace me back to Texas, to my birthfamily, to the tree from which I was plucked at only a few months old. Other than on paper, which doesn't last forever, there is nothing connecting me to my family that I love, that I live with, whom I will cherish until the day I die.
I fit perfectly into my adoptive family. I love them more than anything. I feel almost in tears as I write this, overcome with my love, heavy with the loss I cannot seem to escape.
Adoption is not easy, August, and I dare anyone to tell me differently. You have a right to your feelings- but please do not take them out on your birthmother. As Raven said, it was a different time. Many birthmothers from that era dont feel they SHOULD search, as that's what they were told. Maybe your birthmother is deceased, ill, or maybe she was told never to speak about you again.There are so many possibilities it's unfathomable.
I'm sorry you have had such a bad experience with your adoptive family. It must hurt. I can feel your hurt all the way here in New York.
If someone digs me up 100 years from now, my bones will point to my birthfamily, my hair to my birthfather- who shares the color and wave of my own locks. My bone structure to my birthmother- who is the same height and build as I am.
But my teeth, which collect minerals and other trace elements based on location, will show traces of a childhood in New York City, of college in Boston and upstate New York- of years living in the southermost part of Sicily- of my life and my home and my family who I love. 100 years from now their will still be proof that I lived and loved within my family, that I grew up in the city where my father was born, that I walked the streets of Brooklyn all my life just as my mother and father did, just like my brother who is theirs biologically did. Nothing can take that away from me.
We are all a mix of 4 people, August, all adoptees are.
I am sorry about your experience. I am sorry for your pain. You are angry at your birthmother, and you have a right to be. Maybe you should be angry with her, I cannot say. But do yourself a favor and think about it carefully, think carefully how you judge one of the only parents in your life, who, judging by your anger in your post, may have tried to do what she thought was best for you.
People make choices. Sometimes those choices are wrong. Work through your anger, talk to someone. If you feel you want to search- do so. You may be pleasantly surprised...
BK - As I read through your letter I realized that everything you were saying could have been written by me...in fact I did write a similar letter in a forum on Craigslist and I was completely eviscerated by people that had no idea what I've been going through my entire life. I understand your anger and the frustration of knowing that the state will do nothing to help us obtain a God-given right to know who we are and where we came from. I know it's been awhile since you wrote this post, but I wish you luck in the journey to find your family. For me it is the only way that I will lose this anger and I hope you will find your peace as well.
Of course you have every right to be angry! I doubt any of us think you don't, but most of us want to help. I don't think counseling is a bad idea. I also thought if my bmom wanted to know me, she'd look. She thought she shouldn't in case I didn't know if I was adopted. Since reunion, I'm starting to understand that her decison may have affected her more than it did me. My bmom was young, a teen. She didn't have a say on what happened. Get all your anger out if you can. Vent here, chat with other adoptees, bparents etc... I know the bparents here helped me immensely. Good luck!
Amanda
You have a right to your feelings- but please do not take them out on your birthmother. As Raven said, it was a different time. Many birthmothers from that era dont feel they SHOULD search, as that's what they were told. Maybe your birthmother is deceased, ill, or maybe she was told never to speak about you again.There are so many possibilities it's unfathomable.
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I am a birth mom...i am so sorry how you feel,,,i guess when i gave birth on 11-18-1972 my parents had the control if i kept my son or not...the scarey stay at the Unwed mothers home in a big city like Detroit was scary for a small town girl...i know no matter how hard i try to find my son and find that piece of my heart that lays on that nursery floor will probably never happen because of mich closed adoption, his adopted father was a lawyer so i am sure he will never know anything...i just been cancer free for 1 year but their is no guarantee it wont be back i would love to find him before the good Lord takes me home thats all i pray...just so i can assure him that i do love him, i did want him but at 16 in 1972 my parents had the control...its something that never goes away...and i believe everyword and hurt you feel I am sorry......