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[FONT="Tahoma"]So, I guess I'll be brave, and post my situation. I think what I'm seeking from this is; has anyone else felt the same way?
Some background ( I apologise if this turns out to be kind of long. ) My boyfriend and I visited a doctor a while back, because I was having some trouble with my head--I was losing my balance a lot, getting dizzy, fainting, and when I tried to work ( I was, at the time, helping my uncle tear down a building ) I would sometimes lose consciousness, and pretty much wake up on the ground. Well, the Doctor certainly had news for us--no, I didn't have a brain tumor, nor did I have a concussion; I was pregnant, and 20 weeks along.
At first, I paniced--I'd just gotten myself a new job helping a family friend break, shoe, and care for horses. It was obviously not a job I could continue doing for the summer ( as planned ) while pregnant, so my knee-jerk reaction was to seek out an abortion, which I was too late for.
At this point, I'm a little ashamed of how I reacted after finding out an abortion was not an option. I broke down for days, and was fairly well swallowed up by a hate for not only the situation, but for my boyfriend, myself, and yes, even the baby. ( My boyfriend, by the way, never flinched at helping me look for the possibility of abortion, and was also quite lost at this point, not to mention hurt that I lashed out at him. ) I was desperate to find any kind of solution that didn't involve me carrying to term, but even I am not crazy enough to try something illegal--so once the only options left were hurting myself, or poisoning myself, I stopped looking. And for days, I just hid from the world.
Once I informed my parents ( and my grandparents, who I live closer to right now ) and all the anger, surprise, and "I thought you were careful?!" was out of the way, my grandmother immediately jumped on the idea of Adoption. Even from point one, in my mind, keeping and raising the baby wasn't an option. My boyfriend and I aren't married, nor are we engaged right now ( though marriage was, and still is, in our plans for the future, ) nor do we have the house, paychecks, or knowledge to care for a child. Thankfully, my grandmother quickly found out a bunch of information, set up a meeting with an adoption agency, and got the ball rolling for me, ( seeing as how I was still more or less enfuriated at myself. )
On to my point, ( because this post is already almost derailed, ) the meetings went wonderfully, the potential adopting family is great, we've met them, they live nearby, and everyone's pleased. But lately, my grandmother and my mother have become concerned about something ( they haven't come right out and told me they're worried, but.. well, it's kind of easy to tell. )
My grandmother believes I came to this decision too quickly, too easily. I read up on everything, I read forums, I read websites, I read happily-ever-after stories, and I read the horror stories of Afamilies severing contact with the b-parents. I like to think I'm educated as well as I can be. But every time my Ma or my Grandmother asks me "Any regrets, yet? Are you sure, still?" and I of course answer 'yes', they look at me like they are hurt, or maybe like they just don't understand how I can be so sure. My grandmother, herself, has said that she can't imagine what I'm putting into my own head to not feel at least a little sad.
Even my boyfriend ( who is supportive through out this entire ordeal ) has been plagued with a sadness now and then, and he often tries to 'find ways' to fit our baby into our lives. He knows, like I do, that trying to fit this baby into our lives would be almost impossible ( and might I add, hugely unfair for the baby, ) but he seems to be taking the mindset of my Ma and Grandmother, whereas I'm taking the mindset of my Dad and my Grandfather, which is "Do what you can to make sure the baby's life will be a good one, but don't hurt yourself by getting too attached."
TL;DR version ( or, shorter version ) is, am I looking at this all wrong? Do I not appreciate the situation as much as I should? I just feel like if I kept the baby, I'd be doing a selfish thing, depriving her of a happy, colorful lifestyle, and forcing her to live in poverty, where second-hand clothes might become a norm, where toys might be a rare treat. I feel that if the option for adoption to a wealthier family who are deliberately seeking a baby is available, why not take it and be happy about it? Be happy that the first and only thing I can do for my baby right now, is to give her a chance at a happier existance, in a family that won't struggle to provide for her. Or am I somehow fooling myself into feeling this way?
Once again, sorry this is SO long. I'd truly appreciate any advice or even opinions anyone had. ( Oh, and if for some reason anyone is offended by this.. Well, I'm not sure what to say, other than it's not my intention to come in here and stir things up. ) [/FONT]
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I don't know how much of my story you have read (probably not any since you're so new to the group) but I have to say, if you do marry the birthfather and you have more children and your child you give up comes to find you it will hurt.
My daughter was adopted in the 70's and when she found me she told me her adoptive mom told her that I had other children (who by the way weren't fathered by the same dad as she was) and she was so hurt because her adoptive mom told her that I didn't care about her and that's why I gave her away and why I kept the others I had.
You have to do what you have to do about the adoption but beleive me, it's not always the best for the baby. Just because someone adopts a baby doesn't make them rich or able to give your child anything more than you could give them.
Divorce happens and things happen with adoptive parents just like any other parent raising their own children. There are no guarentees and as you've read adoptions can be closed with no way you can do anything about it even if you have an open adoption.
My opinion, if you can keep your baby. Keep it. The baby deserves to be with her birth mother and father and be loved and raised. It won't matter what she's raised in, poverty or riches, she will be happy in your home just the same as she'd be happy in another person's home.
If you have family willing to help you let them. Don't give your child to people who "could do better" because they may not do anything you wouldn't do. They might shop at thrift centers and give your child 2nd hand clothes. Nothing in the world wrong with that. Nothing. You can find some pretty cool clothes at a thrift center.
If you can feed, clothe and keep a roof over your baby's head you have everything it takes to raise you own child. Why give her up if you can raise her? Don't let "life" you want get in the way of loving and keeping your child. She deserves to stay in your home and with you if you love her. Not that giving her away is not loving her but what I'm saying is just because you can't give her a million dollar birthday party or the best of everything, doesn't mean you can't do other things to show her that you love her while she's growing up. She can be just as well adjusted and good person as you want her to be in your home if you're willing to do what that takes and make the sacrofices in the areas that will help her stay with her own parents and not have to be raised by someone else who might or might not be any better than you are at parenting or anything else.
Rylee
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I am feeling so much for you Heartland!
Please don't think that we here are trying to push you into parenting at all.
I was pretty determined when I placed, and parts of me do feel like I made the right decision for me at the time.
I guess personally I have a lot of anger surrounding the whole situation though, because no one ever spoke to me about the options with parenting. I just think my burden would have been slightly less, if I'd felt more educated!
About the having children later, I just asked that to see if you considered it! I do know that there has been at least one birthmom here who went on to marry her son's birthfather and have more children with him. It seems like that worked out fairly ok (the birthfather had problems with her reunion with their son, but that's another story).
Something people say here, but it hasn't been mentioned in this thread is 'remember that adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary situation.'
When I found my son I was SHOCKED that his parents were divorced, I was SHOCKED that his mom didn't stay home with him at all! Here I'd been under this illusion that they were a solid couple (I guess they were at the time but hello! circumstances can change), I was also under this illusion that she would be a stay-at-home mom, at least until he started school. Heck I could have been a working mom!
Anyway. When is your due date?
Even if you stick with relinquishment, please try to spend some time with your child. I always regret that I didn't insist on holding him in the hospital. Some people even take their baby home for a few days or a week, just to make sure, sure some of them end up parenting, but some of them realise that they are not willing to handle it at the moment and continue with their adoption plan.
It took me 18 years before I made a decision to have children! (after my relinquishment) and I really enjoyed the two times I was pregnant with my girls. So, don't worry so much about that, when and if you decide to have children at a later date, it will be different. And most likely good!
Please keep talking, let us know how you're doing, what you're thinking!
Dear Heartland_Song,
It is rare that anyone here will see me post to expectant moms because it is very hard for me to do so. I end up sharing things that I'd rather not bother letting the public know about. I don't trust the public that much.
But I read your posts and felt the need to respond.
I understand poverty to the bone. I also understand the fear of it and the desire to ensure that your children do not suffer the indiginity and hopelessness that poverty brings. I take no issue with your reasoning there. I'd be a hypocrit if I did. Nor do I take issue with your deciding to place your child. That is your business and not mine to comment on. I respect you for having the compassion to weigh this out and that you feel you are doing the best you can in a tough situation.
However - and this is said with true concern for you - Hmmm....how to say this so that it won't sound "off" or judgemental?......
Okay. Let me put it like this. It is clear from your posts that you and your boyfriend feel that adoption is the best solution for yourselves and your child and that you are sincere in that belief.
But I am concerned for you both in what will come after you relinquish. You are going to have to take my word for this - and I have relinquished twice so I know this twice - things will not get easier after you sign. From an emotional standpoint, they are going to get much, much harder. And each year that goes by, things will get harder still.
If you decide to take this route, promise me you will get therapy. Because this is a loss that is impossibly hard to bear and it is lifelong. It does not go away. It ebbs and flows. Some days it will be easier to manage; others it will knock you sideways to the floor.
I cannot express to you the grief of relinquishment but I can tell you it is powerful, real and unavoidable. A person can run from it for years - in fact I did - but in the end there's nowhere to go.
Pictures of ultrasounds are not going to ease your sadness. Matter of fact, you may reach the point where you cannot stand to look at them anymore. I burned my childrens' adoption papers in a fit of grief that should've put me in a hospital. I sat on my knees in my attic in the heat of July wailing like a banshee; out of my mind with sorrow.
Please....whatever else you and your boyfriend do....don't underestimate what this will do to your lives.
Don't fall for the "rose-colored glasses" adoption baloney. There is nothing rosey about it. I am not saying adoption is wrong; simply that it is a tough road to travel.
Do what you guys feel is right; what you feel you must do. But be certain to take care of yourselves.
Even if you are not able to get State-assisted counseling before and afterward, please continue posting here.
We care.:flower:
(((Heartland)))I also placed 23 years ago. I also believed the two parent better life story. Turns out my dds parents divorced and her dad is gay. Not that there is anything wrong with her dad being gay--but were they any "better" parents than I would have been?? She did not have the "best of everything" either she just lived a reasonable life. She is a great person and I think they did a great job. I just think that the happily ever after isn't true. Adoptive parents are just like you and me. So know that you are good enough no matter what anyone says. Research all your options--including parenting
Good morning, Heartland_Song...
Like Janey, I rarely post on the "Considering Your Options" board, mainly because I can't paint a rosy picture for you. I placed my son for adoption 37 years ago for many of the same reasons you're dealing with. I believed the "professionals" who told me how much better he'd be with two parents, a mother and a father. They told me he'd be raised with all the advantages that a mature couple with money could provide him. In my head, I imagined summer camps, music lessons, private schools, a first-rate education, a good university. None of that happened, none of it...
The things that were important to me, the parts of the myth that I bought into, none of that was reality. Academics were never important in his family; education was not stressed at all. My son was allowed to drop out of high school. I was promised that he would be placed with parents who were similar to my own family in terms of academic achievement, socioeconomic background, natural talents, personality, etc. None of that happened, although I'm sure the agency thought it was doing the best thing at the time.
The hard part is realizing that even though a couple passes a homestudy with flying colors, life still has its up's and down's, changes in circumstances, even its share of tragedies. My son's adoptive father worked in law enforcement in a highly stressful position. The stress, the booze, the anger...well it all eventually exploded on his family. My son was abused and mistreated for years at the hands of the people that I entrusted his care to. I've always referred to adoption as a "sacred trust", but I don't feel that way anymore.
If the main reason you're considering placing your child for adoption is so that he will have material advantages that you can't give him right now, I implore you to think twice. At least get some unbiased counseling...and not from some counselor at an adoption agency. Research this very carefully, as if your life depends on it...because the life of your son or daughter does depend on it.
Maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones to never have regrets. I'm sure there are women who have been able to place and not look back. I've just never met any of them, not once in 37 years...
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You are facing such a hard decision! I cannot tell you one way or the other what to do, but will encourage you to get unbiased counseling. You want to work with someone who will go over ALL your options, including parenting your child. Don't feel you have to make a definite decision before your baby is born, as you can be set one way and change your mind after you see your child. And it is OK to change your mind!!
I placed at a time when things were starting to open up and was able to have a semi-open with pictures/letters being exchanged through the agency. For me, I had to really weigh out whether or not I was ready to be a parent and give my child the things I felt he needed that I could not provide. These were not only material things, though I of course did want him to have the basics, not to mention opportunities for a good education, ways to explore his talents and interests, and not have to constantly struggle. I had no family support at all. To me, both choices (parenting or adoption) would have been very hard for different reasons. I chose adoption and it was very difficult, but I believe it was the right choice under my circumstances at that time. I found the first year to be the most difficult in terms of grieving, and I'm having some issues crop up now that he is grown and there is a possibility of reunion. Counseling helped me immensely and I highly reccommend you get it. I also very much looked forward to updates and didn't have the sadness that many birthmothers do when receiving them. I guess I was fortunate in that my son DID get the kind of family I wanted him to have and he did have the kind of upbringing I wanted for him. So for me, there were a lot of positives in my decision to place him. That's not to say it hasn't been difficult. It IS difficult, there is no getting around that, but at the same time, I know it would have been difficult for me to parent as a teenager with no support. There really are no easy answers here, I'm afraid. I think the most important thing to think about is are you ready for the responsibility of being parents and willing to make the necessary sacrifices inherent in parenting reasonably well. And if you are not ready, can you get ready and make those adjustments to insure your child will be raised well (I'm not talking materially here, just in terms of love, attention, time, basic care, dealing with all the demands and needs that children bring, etc.).
Keep examining this, see how you feel after you have your baby, see what you have in terms of family support, and just weigh everything out carefully before you make any final decisions. Best wishes to you. I know this is not easy...
Heartland_Song, Adoptee here...who was raised in a very good adoptive family. Please take the advice given on counseling from an unbiased third party - one you find yourself and not connected to any agency or lawyer. The second thing to consider - retain your own lawyer and do not sign away your rights and those of your child until you are sure it is the right thing to do for both of you, and your lawyer has read and discussed with you any and all concerns. While you are researching please research how hormones will affect you immediately surrounding the birth of your child. The third thought, fully consider the implications to your child should you go through with an adoption. Take the time to research from an adoptee point of view as well, as the rights severed cannot be undone once the child has become an adult and I think many people do not think that far ahead. The final thought, how will you ensure that your child will have access to your families medical history. What you provide at the time of adoption will not be what you could provide on a constant basis as people age, more children are born and all of it is relative. Kind regards,Dickons
Keep in mind that the circumstance you are in today may not be the one you are in, in 2, 5, 10 or however many years. Both my husband and I grew up in poverty. We married and were still in poverty. With hard work and determination we have became very successful people I am a high school teacher/work program supervisor and my husband owns his own computer software creation company. When I look at my home and life style now I can not believe how much things have changed for us. It did not happen over night but it did happen.I have a bio son 13 who had hand me downs clothing all of the time and only got new or even used toys on a rare occasion and times when I did not know how I would feed him or meet his other needs. I have a 1 year old adopted daughter who has had the best of everything. I feel really bad that I was unable to provide for my son like I provide for my daughter. My son is glad that his sister has so much and does not harbor any ill feelings toward her because for the first 8-10 years of his life he had very little. I guess my point is that you never know how your life will change. Just make sure that your final decision will be one that you will not regret for the rest of your life. Also, this decision DOES NOT have to be made prior to birth. My DD was a week old before her bmom made the decision to place. Adoption or raising the baby yourself if a life long decision. Explore all of your options. But in the end only you can decide what is right for you and your baby.I wish you all the best while you are going through this.
Firstly, Wow -- I'm a little overwhelmed at all the responses, and all the good wishes, here. I never expected so much support--but also so many people telling me "Look at it from ALL directions, not just one." This, I appreciate from everyone!
I do see a pattern with many of your posts, and it's "materialistic things can't outweigh the love you can give you child." I'm starting to believe this more and more--especially since me and my boyfriend are Still together, and I wouldn't have to be a Single parent, which surely would make it easy.
I have another concern, other than our poverty. I've never had abusive parents, and my parents weren't abused, either. But my mother certainly had a terrible rage when me and my brother were younger, and she often lost her temper--especially before she remarried. Sometimes she would just scream andyell until she burnt herself out, and sometimes she'd just leave, not tell us where she's going, and be gone for a few hours to cool down. My grandmother didn't have this rage, though she was proned to tossing Cheerios at her kids when she made her mad; ( I don't mean the whole Bowl, by the way, just the milk and the cereal--splash! ) To add to this, I grew up in a highly unstable household-- before my mom remarried, we nearly drove her crazy, and I don't remember much happiness from that time. After she remarried, our stepfather and I never got along for long, and I eventually had to be put through counseling because I went through that typical, teenage, "cutting-of-the-wrists" stage ( which, when I look back at that now, I can't believe I was ever so dumb. ) The reason I explain all of this is because I'm not foolish enough to think that I'm not susceptible to Depression--I fall into bouts of it now and then, the worst of it having occurred, lately, while pregnant, ( because I just feel so useless all the time, with everyone telling me "no, sit down, I'll get that for you"; it drives me nuts! )
My fear is that if we keep and parent our baby, I'll fall into another depression, and it would effect me, my family, my boyfriend and possibly even our relationship, and in the long run, the baby--just like my own Mother's struggles effected me and my brother. Or worse, I have a very choking fear that I'd become an abusive parent. No, it's not in my genes, not that I know of anyway, but I tend to get so easily frustrated, and let's face it--babies can sometimes be very frustrating. I don't think I'd be irresponsible.. but I do fear that I'd be abusive, be that verbally, or physically.
For the most part, I just don't see myself as a fit mother, and my Grandfather tends to agree with me, here--some people are good at some things, and bad at others, and I don't believe I'd be a good parent.
As for the counseling that many of your are mentioning, as much as I try to side-step that idea completely, the more I'm believing I might have to do just that. Especially if everything everyone says is true; that giving up your baby hurts, inside and out, and now and forever. So I think, if I do end up going through with the adoption, I'll just suck up my pride and do it--and yes, I'll find an independant counselor, not involved in the adoption.
I appreciate all this support ( I can't believe how many responses my little bitty post has got! ) You all are making me see layers of this situation that I had ignored before--mostly, what will happen afterwards. I have to admit, the only thing I was trying to focusing is getting things back to normal after my baby is born, but it seems like that won't be as possible as I had hoped.
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Heartland_Song-
I am a reunited adoptee and a bmom.
In your last post you mentioned depression and that it scares you and that you will not be good at parenting. First of all, how can you make that judgment on yourself when you aren't one yet? You might just surprise yourself and your grandma, mom, dad, grandpa and anyone else who may have this impression about you. Children are all special gifts and each and every one is different. You don't know what your reaction will be until you are in the situation and having to react and make decisions. Experience something before you judge yourself.
Secondly, I have suffered from depression for a long time. Did I know what it was? no. Did I know why? no But, my amom was always telling me that "there was something wrong with me". She and my adad starting taking me to a psychologist when I was 3 years old. The last time they demanded that I see a psychologist was when I was pg with my BD, because "how could I do this to them?" They had to know "why" I would do this before they shipped me off so that they wouldn't be embarrassed by anybody "finding out" that I was pg and not married. Yes, this still happened in the 80's when I relinquished my BD. Depression did not leave me then and it did not leave me after I married and had 2 more children. My depression always got worse for the periods immediately before and after BD's birthday. Since she was born shortly before Thanksgiving, I learned to dread fall and the coming holiday season. It was getting more and more painful with each passing year. I did manage my depression and do now with medication. If this scares you now, how will you feel in the future when you are planning on parenting other children? Depression tends to run in families and is very treatable.
I don't envy you in your decision as it is a very hard one to make. It is a lifetime decision and one that does not just affect you, your child, your boyfriend but so many other people that you will probably never meet. Get with someone that you can talk to about any and all angles and take care of you. You are very important here.
Hi, I'm an aparent here, so I may not have as helpful of a perspective for you. I am a little appalled at some of the stories posted here. (Raven, let me send a few hugs your way... I had no idea you went through some of that stuff and I'm so sorry your kid didn't get the home you had envisioned.)
Anyway. I think you are handling the situation in a very mature and logical way. You are taking the time to try to find the right solution for you and the baby.
In terms of parenting, maybe there are other resources that you didn't think of yet. My daughter's birthmom was hooked up with a crisis pregnancy center and I know they had tons of clothes, diapers, all sorts of things that could help a new mom in crisis. They also had a great counsellor on the staff who could really help someone look at all their options and all the consequences of whatever choice was being made. Churches can often provide support too. Social services are a last resort as well. For most people who don't have a lot of money the WIC or whatever is available to make sure the baby will be fed properly and so on. I don't know where you live but especially bigger cities have tons of services that you could take advantage of. If you were to parent, even as the kid gets bigger there are things available like Raven was talking about like camps for underprivileged and programs to help.
AND as others have mentioned you could plan tentatively to place after a set period of time like a week or a month or whatever and the potential aparents you choose would know about it in advance so you could make doubly sure the adoption was the right option instead of having to do something hastily at the last minute when your emotions and hormones are all riled up. It will be easy to find potential aparents who will go along with this. I think a lot of expectant moms don't realize that THEY are the one who is supposed to be in charge, it's their pregnancy and nobody else has any say until later. They don't have to do anything that anyone else wants or says should be done. They should do what's right for them at the time and not feel pressure about anything. Lord knows it's difficult enough and then you have paps and agencies and lawyers all breathing down your neck. YOU are the one in control of the situation. Don't wory about being popular. Just worry about you and the baby.
Next. Babies can cause a lot of stress and frustration on you and your relationship so I'm glad you are aware of it. Even as a supposedly mature (I'm old and I only hope I'm mature too lol) parent I have had my frustrating moments with my two kids... it's mainly been during long sleepless nights with crying babies which turned into hectic mornings too fast).
So that is something you will have to give more thought to and talk to the counsellor about.
But anyway if you do decide to proceed with the adoption, you will be able to avoid a lot of the problems that were listed here with aparents. Passing a homestudy is nothing... what they NEED to pass is your test. You can only make sure by really getting to know them well and seeing/talking to them often. If you do that you will be able to pick the right family. I was surprised by the number of remarried adoptive couples, not saying that there is anything wrong with it, but there are a lot on these boards. If you have a concern about that pick one like me that has been married 18 years. If you want a stay at home mom you would reject me and pick somebody who is doing that. I guess it could be almost fun imagining all the possibilities out there for your baby. So you have a lot of options.
As others have said poverty alone may not be a good reason to place, especially since that can and often does change. You could win the 20 million lotto or something tomorrow, or more likely as life goes on you will make your situation better. (Another thing I would be remiss not to mention is, that while getting pregnant wasn't what you wanted right now, there is no guarantee that it will happen again. I tried to be responsible and waited till I was very financially secure and had everything else in place, and was ready to parent a child, and guess what. I don't seem to be able to get pregnant. That's something that could happen.. this could be your only chance at a baby. Keep it in mind. If I tried sooner who knows, the baby wouldn't have 500 fancy dresses like my daughter does but she would still have my love and still have turned out fine.)
So I agree with the others, please look at all options to be sure this is right for you, and be very careful about selecting a family.
I wish you the best of luck during a difficult time... this is probably a big crossroad you are at and no matter which direction you choose it's going to impact what goes on later a lot.
Hugs to ya and I pray for wisdom for you to come to a good final decision that you are satisfied with!
PS After thinking about this more I wanted to add that if you really considered everything and you decide adoption is the best plan you don't have to let others derail you... more regrets come about when you let others pressure you in any direction. I know my daughter's birthmom went through a lot with her family torturing her before and after the adoption telling her she was doing the wrong thing and that mustve been hard.
The other thing she did was to write about the adoption in a book answering questions she thought dd would have and kept repeating how much she loved her and that that was why she went ahead with the adoption. I got that book after she died and it is positively priceless... her voice from beyond the grave telling my daughter all those things. We will treasure it.
more regrets come about when you let others pressure you in any direction.
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Couldn't resist posting. Hope you don't mind an adoptive parent prospective.
1. You can wait until the baby is born to make your final decision. Have a family in mind but tell them you are not making your decision until you hold that baby and have a heart to heart with him/her.
2. You do not have to choose a family from a waiting list at an adoption agency. If you ask around, there may be a couple in your community (friend of a friend) who cannot have children and cannot afford adoption.(doesn't mean they are not financially stable, private adoption is in the 20k range!) Then you would have a personal reference so to speak. Just a thought. You may have already found the perfect family for your little one and I don't want to make you question that. Just don't make decisions based on offending or hurting a prospective aparent okay. That is hard to say because I am one of them, but this has to be only about your precious child.
3. Give yourself some credit for being strong enough to face this situation with honesty and concern for your child. While I hate abortion (my daughter survived one) I can understand how your mind would go there when you are in a crisis situation.
You mentioned being depressed and having bouts of it and think if you give the baby up you will get onto a "normal" life.
Believe me when I tell you this, if you think you have depression problems now, if you give your baby up they will be more intense! I had depression problems when I was a kid and into my teens. When I gave my baby away the depression got worse and more intense and I am still suffering with it even though I've met my daughter.
I have a son who is a great man. However, he never seemed to me to be "father" material and I worried he'd be abusive if he ever did become a father. He didn't handle things very well sometimes as a child and as he grew up when he'd get emotional. He never lashed out at me but he did at the other people around him when he'd be angry.
He and his wife didn't want children. I was in agreement with them. I didn't think either of them would be very good parents because my dil is an only child and spoiled rotten very outspoken and sometimes pretty mean. I love her don't get me wrong but she was spoiled as a child and I honestly felt when they said they didn't want children that it was a good idea not to have any. They didn't think they could handle being parents either.
Well, they have 2 children now. One boy and one girl. They are the best parents I know. They give their chidlren all the love they could get, disapline, education, and everything else they need and they don't spoil them by any means but they are great teachers and they love their children more than anything.
I'm thrilled to have been wrong about what kind of parents they'd be.
I guess I'm telling you this because you may think you won't be a good parent but you won't know until you are a parent and you can make choices to do things for your child that will make them happy and healthy.
If depression is such a bad issue you can go to a doctor and get medication for it. There are ways to get around the emotional things you're worried about.
If you don't want the baby, that's a different story. Give it up for adoption. But if you do want it and you are just worring about things you think would be bad and don't want to take the chance, then you should keep the baby and take the chance and do what you can to be a good parent. It's possible. Believe me it is.
Rylee