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My husband and I have 3 biological children, ages 11, 12 and 16. I have always wanted to adopt 'someday" and my husband supports me in this. (So when I say "I" later on, sometimes I mean "we")
After our youngest was born, my husband kept saying 'wait' for a few years. Then, we decided to proceed with an adoption from China. We wasted a lot of time on that, only to be turned down because of the new regulations a couple of years ago. We finally decided, for financial reasons, to try through the foster care system. We did the classes in the fall of 2007, finished our certification in February of 2008 and got our first call in November of 2008. That baby stayed one night and I called the social worker to get him moved to another home because I had just started a new job and I felt like I couldn't handle a 6 week old and the new job with no time off for 6 months. After a couple of months, I quit the new job and went back to my old one, working at home, with the idea that it would be easier to have a foster child if I was working at home.
Meanwhile, my parent's health has been deteriorating somewhat. My mom was in the hospital in December and January, my Dad was in the hospital in June and twice in July. The night that he came home from the hospital the last time, after spending time in there 3 weeks in a row (with me having to be there when the doctors visit, keep working at my job, fetch and carry everything to the hospital and field calls from relatives while he's in there), we got our second call. It was 1:00 a.m. and they wanted to know if they could place an 8 month old infant with us in an hour. I was so exhausted from trying to do all of the above, I just couldn't. I couldn't face being up all night and having to work, etc. and I said not tonight. I told the worker that I was thinking of closing our foster home because I'm not sure I can handle it.
The trouble is, I have always dreamed of adopting. I always planned on it, but I never dreamed or planned on fostering. Also, as this process has dragged on, I'm getting older and I'm 45 now. I just don't know if I can handle this whole fostering thing, if I should just go to straight adoption or just be happy with the family I have and move on with my life. I have been struggling with this decision and not getting anywhere.
Does anyone have any suggestions?
Tell me what to do.
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Wish I had an answer for you as I kind of need this answer myself! We have a DD who is 12 and a new DD who we are adopting through foster care who just turned two. My Dad will have to undergo radiation for 9 weeks and that will start in late Aug. We have already put our license on inactive status. At least we don't have to keep up with all of the training and when/if we re-open, we pick up where we left off. So right now, it's all on hold until we come to a point in time where we can resume normal schedules. I'm 46 by the way, so I understand the age concerns you have as well. We would like more children, but are uncertain at this point if we will be able to do that.
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I'm in the same boat too! I actually have 4 bio kids right now - 16,14,12,and 8. We also had talked about adoption for years - actually when our oldest was a toddler. There was always a reason to delay - money, moves, getting pregnant, etc. After a scary 4th delivery, I impulsively got my tubes tied and have regretted it ever since. We continued to discuss adoption at times, but I never wanted to foster due to the instability. When our friends adopted their first foster baby, and were on the way with their second, I felt I could give it a shot. There were many other reasons that we chose to as well. Last June we got our first placement ( a beautiful baby girl who was half vietnamese ). Did I mention that we almost adopted from Vietnam? It seemed almost certain that we could adopt her, but she was sent home abruptly at 6 months old ( we got her as a newborn ). This devastated the whole family, and still hurts deeply. My Dad died suddenly the following month ( Jan 09 ), and we got a new placement in March. She is going home in Sept. and we have another little guy we are hoping will stay.
It is very discouraging, and the coming and going is stressful on the family. I am 43, dh is 46, and I too wonder how to proceed. I try to keep open to fate and being led, but also want to be practical. It's nice to actually hear from others who feel similar. Alot of people our age are so thrilled that their kids are finally getting older, and I am still enjoying the 'mothering' .
Just some of my thoughts.
"The trouble is, I have always dreamed of adopting. I always planned on it, but I never dreamed or planned on fostering."
So why not go straight adoption through an agency? Did you only want to adopt a newborn or would you be willing to adopt an older, special needs child? If that is the case, there are MANY kids available.
Maybe you need to re-evaluate why you want to adopt. Had the children been available for adoption and not just foster placements, would you have said yes when their workers called you? If not, maybe you don't really want to adopt, but just like the idea of adoption? In that case, maybe you could help kids in foster care in other ways.
Sounds like you have had a lot on your plate but your dream is still in your heart. I don't think anyone can tell you what to do. However, have you considered providing Respite care to see if Fostering is for you? This would at least give you a taste of foster care. As a foster parent, I can tell you we can all use some quality respite providers. Just a thought! Good luck on your decision!
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Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I have been thinking about what I actually want to do, why I have always wanted to adopt, etc. My husband and I enjoy parenting. We have treasured every minute of the journey and we're good at it, our kids are wonderful human beings. I don't think we can afford to adopt through an agency at the current time. My job was about halfway downsized in May when my company lost 3 major accounts and I'm struggling with income right now. I have put in inquiries on a couple of kids from Adopt Us Kids. I really think that my fear of fostering is that feeling when the kids get sent back ... I think mainly how my kids will deal with it.
I still don't know what to do. I'm trying to get another job and trying to decide. I do think that later on in life I will regret it if I don't try.
The way my husband and I see it, there is no 'perfect' time to have a kid. If we had a biological child, all the chaos and drama that goes along with life would not affect whether or not the child was in our home or we chose to stand by our child, so why should it be any different with an adoptive child? Shortly after we met our son, my husband lost his job.... 60+% of our household income was gone. I was working 12 hour days, 7 days a week, he was picking up odd jobs whenever possible. It was (and still is) a rough haul. Backing out of adoption was never on the table as an option though. He may not be our son on paper yet, but we treat him in all ways as though we'd given birth to him.
So, basically, do what's right for you and make whatever you decide work. Things may be hard or chaotic for a while, but life always has a way of working out when you work at it.
I think that the dream is in your heart for a reason and that somewhere along the way the child you were meant to have will come. It may not be through the foster care system. Maybe your kids will have a friend that needs a place to stay and will get taken in by your family or maybe you will hear about a child that is legally free and ready for adoption. If you really want this you can make it happen! When I have big decision like this and I need help coming to a conclusion I see a counselor to help me sort things out. Good luck to youand update us on your decision!