Advertisements
I never imagined that I would ever find my bm, as the agency that handled my adoption said that bm suffered brain damage from a fall, and would probably not even remember having me. I was ok with that because I have a wonderful AMom, and she is my mom.
Well, I found my Bmom in January of this year. We talked a couple of times. she always let me go fast, and the conversations never seemed to be longer then 15 minutes. She said she did suffer a fall but is not brain damaged. I think there is more to it because something does seem a little off with her. There were a lot of things that she said she didn't want to talk about over the phone, we can talk about it when we meet.
Well, I had stuff going on in my life, and we just lost touch until June. She got some man to call my house and he claims that he is her boyfriend (she says they are friends). This man was going on and on to my husband about how she made a mistake and she wants to see me. he wanted my husband to make a date and time and was being very pushy and he wanted our address. My husband had to refuse 3 times. The calls just kept coming from this guy, it bugged me so I never answered. Then one day when I wasn't home, they called from a payphone around the corner from my home! (they live about a 40 minute drive away from me). That was my final straw, it creeped me out and I decided that they crossed a line and I wanted nothing to do with her. I barely talked to her and they were being this pushy already?
Well this last week I have been starting to feel guilty. I know that if anything ever happened to her I would probably regret not ever meeting her and seeing what she looks like. So I called her today. She was happy to hear from me and thought she was never going to hear from me again. Then she starts being pushy again!!
Want's to set up a day that her "friend" (that man) can drive her to visit me at my house. WHAT??
I just said that it would be better to meet at a coffee shop nearby instead because of my children. She sounded mad and said that she would like to just come here and meet my young children.
I again just suggested a coffee shop.
Now I am all stressed out again, and don't know how to handle this. I don't want to be pushed into meeting someone so fast. It's fast for me since I have not talked to her on the phone that much and she is still a stranger.
I WILL NOT have my 5 year old daughter and 3 year old son there, especially on the first meeting. I don't want to confuse them or put them in an awkward situation until I am comfortable with it. Why would I invite 2 strangers into my home?
I couldn't say all this to her on the phone because I didn't have the guts to, and I don't know if she will fully get it since I do believe she does have something wrong with her and does not understand everything.
How do I handle this? She is pushing me to meet her this weekend, she doesn't want to wait, and it's too soon for me.
Like
Share
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! Us adoptees are oftentimes put into the position of being made to feel guilty. It is not about her. It is all about you and don't play her game.
I would call her and strongly take control of the situation. I'd make these points.
1 - You had no say in your adoption. None whatsoever. Now you do have a say.
2 - This is not about her guilt.
3 - You have your family (adopted and your own children).
4 - If she wants to meet or have any meaningful relationship that is fine but it will be on your terms and your time frame and no one elses. Period. If you are not ready to meet then she will have to wait until you are ready.
5 - It sounds crazy but I'd tell her that you are open to getting a restraining order if they keep doing what they have done. If they called from around the corner then they certainly know where you live and it is similar in nature to stalking. Any judge would consider it so.
Your example is an extreme case but it has happened before by adoptees and birth parents. There is a boundary of privacy that needs to be maintained. Dropping by unannounced is a violation of that. Sometimes birth mothers are so guilt ridden that they go over the limits and get too pushy. As they say it sucks to be them. It sounds harsh but I am sick of the way that adoptees are treated by agencies and parents (adopted and birth)
I understand that you feel guilty and don't want to have regrets about not meeting her. I declined contact with my birth mother several years ago and am searching now through a pos agency. The main reason for my search was that I also want no regrets. I'd hate to finally find her only to find that she had passed away.
Best advice I can give. Hope it helps. But it is about you and you need to take control. If you don't she'll likely end up on your door step some morning.
Advertisements
I'm sorry your birth mom is being so pushy. I don't like pushy people in general, so if my son came on to me that way in a reunion situation, I'd be quite upset and would have to slow it down. Likewise, I cannot imagine just plowing my way into his life, either! Finding that balance between two people in such an emotionally charged situation is difficult enough when the parties involved are pretty much on the same page. When there is a wide gap in personal boundaries, it is really tough. If you intend to meet your birth mom, it is imperative that you set clear boundaries with her. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you want to move slowly with this, that you BOTH need time to process the strong emotions that will come up for each of you, and that you cannot have anyone coming over unannounced. If she gets mad, that is her issue to deal with, but I honestly don't understand people who get mad like that. If my son said "Peachy, you're coming on too strong for me" I might be hurt, but I'd also be apologizing and considering his feelings, not getting mad. But that's just me. It sounds like your birth mom may not be very good at dealing with her emotions and personal boundaries. I also wish she would communicate with you directly and not have the boyfriend doing it for her, but again, it indicates she may not have a lot of experience handling tough issues in relationships, and reunion IS a tough issue. You'll just have to see if she can respect your boundaries and if not, you may have to step back. A mediator would be great in a situation like this, if you can arrange one. I also recommend counseling to anyone going through reunion, and reading up as much as you can on adoption reunion.
I feel for you in this situation but I also understand brain injuries and how they change a person. Please, the next time the boyfriend calls (or call him), find out what parts of the brain are injured, go on-line and understand how injuries to those areas of the brain affect who she is today. Recognition of what injuries your brain sustained and how much it affects who you are, takes a long time (if ever), to understand, deal with, and learn to modify by rewiring. Brain injuries are not healed over night, you cannot see them, others cannot see them, you feel the effects but do not recognise the totally of how they affect you, and sometimes never do. But over time, they can get less severe and who you were before can surface and integrate with who you are today for the better. And truly a fifteen minute conversation to you seems short but for a person with a brain injury it could be an entire days worth of energy used. Please do not be so quick to write her off, educate yourself in the mean time, by all means do what is best to protect your family, but understand the extent of the injury first before brushing her off for life. Kind regards,Dickons
Dickons -- thanks for bringing up the head injury...it does need to be put into this equation. It is not uncommon to not be able to recognize the effects that a head injury has had on yourself, although the effects may be quite apparent to others....and sometimes not even that.AJMB -- a few thoughts...1. A quick note about the phone. I am not a phone person...I cannot hear things well over the phone, but it has to do with auditory processing rather than a hearing deficit (i.e., it's a "brain" thing). I really, really do not like being on the phone, and most of my conversations are short. I reunited with my son in Jan 2007, but did not talk to him on the phone until after our first face-to-face, which took place in Aug 2007. Neither of us are phone people, so we email each other instead.2. Reunion can been incredibly emotional and overwhelming, and you both need to do the homework... research and read about adoption issues, join support groups, seek therapy...whatever it takes....but, BOTH of you need to do the homework. 3. The person who is "found" will often need some additional time to wrap their head around what is happening. They are caught by surprise, and need to regain their balance (as much as possible).4. A reunion relationship can only proceed at the pace of its "slowest" partner. If she were the slowest, you'd have to take things at her pace.5. Meeting in a neutral place is a good idea, but being indoors at a possibly busy coffee shop may not be the best venue for her. Perhaps consider a park, or library courtyard....public, but more private. Find a babysitter for the children, and have your husband accompany you. If her "friend" comes along, the two gentlemen can step off to the side to allow you two some private time.Helpful books to read: "The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide" and "The Girls Who Went Away."If you want to set a boundary with her, state it very simply, and do not blur the issue with all the "whys" and "wherefores".... just state the boundary. Then, have her repeat it, as in, "tell me what you just heard me say" so that you'll know she understood. Then, tell her again, as in, "yes, that's right, do not call after 9 pm (or whatever the boundary is)" or "no, what I said was..." As Dickons mentioned, you can find this sort of thing by doing a little research on communicating with persons who have suffered a brain injury.You also need to let her know that you thought it was inappropriate for her to call from the corner payphone, and to ask her to respect your privacy. Tell her nicely, but do tell her. I don't know what to say about her "friend"....except maybe keep your husband in the loop.I'm sorry things are so stressful for you right now....reunion, at its best, is extremely challenging for all involved.Best wishes,Susan
AJMB-My bithmother can also be like this. Though she has a tendency to be very intense- and then soon after she'll drop off the face of the earth for a year at a time. It's emotionally stressful- so I made a choice to not engage. I always accept her calls when she does decide to phone me,but I know all too well that she is bipolar and goes through the cycles, and that she's not always in a good position to have a relationship. I have to strongly disagree with the suggestion that you read "The Girls Who Went Away." It's an extremely informative book in regards to the time period it's meant to represent. But for an adoptee who's already feeling guilty? That book provides insight, but it's not an easy read and unless you were born in the 50's 60's or maybe even early 70's- it may not apply to your particular situation and if you're already feeling guilty about setting boundaries with your birthmother- I don't think you this book will make you feel any better. That book does not apply to all birthmothers, all adoptees, and all situations. It's a book to read on your own time, with your own perspective. Although it's very informative it is not and easy read and is not necessarily required reading for reunions, particularly for those of us who were not placed during the time period being discussed. It's not easy to set limits. It's not fun, it doesn't make you feel good, especially if you care about the person you are enforcing limits with. You have no obligation to this woman. If YOU want a reunion, if YOU want to embark on this journey- then you have every right and you are certainly entitled to have as much room and as much time as you need. You may have a lot to offer each other. Often, the "broken record" technique will get a message across that is otherwise not being understood. If you need more time, repeat it over and over."I'd like to get to you know but I want to take things slow. Let's meet at a coffee shop."If she protests, or offers to come to the house, say it again. And again.Just because you're an adopted person does not mean that you should exert control simply because you have it. I don't think that's a fair attitude. However- if you feel you need to take things slowly, insist upon it. I don't know much about brain injuries, but as some other people pointed out it may have something to do with her behavior. Or it may not. It's hard to know. Please try to not feel guilty. This is not your fault, and you are being completely reasonable in your request to move slowly with what is sure to be an emotional situation. You don't owe anyone anything, and I don't blame you for not wanting to get your kids involved. Perfectly normal and reasonable.I wish you all the best, and don't settle for something you don't want out of guilt. hugs to you- I know how hard it is.:grouphug:
Advertisements
