do i get involved?

If it continues I would say something especially with the older one acting aggressively towards the younger one that can turn into a bigger problem.

It's been 2 days and now baby has a rug burn on his lip and face--biomom says older one did it but she didn't see what happened. Daycare has reported that older one is aggressive, biomom says he's just a typical toddler.

I'd definitely report it! They will have to investigate, and then it is up to CPS to decide if there is a problem. For some reason, the idea of the child sleeping on a mat on the floor is what horrified me most. Here's how I look at it - it isn't your job to decide if it is "bad" enough. You have a right to report ANYTHING and then the professionals need to do their job in determining the severity.

Baby came for a visit and is now slapping and displaying many of the aggressive mannerisms of older sib. I have e-mailed SW but have gotten no reply. SW suggested mom get play therapy for older sib three weeks ago--mom is not following through. Mom understands that older sib is jealous and wants her complete attention but she kind of likes that he "needs her" so much. Do I need to make a formal complaint and then lose my relationship with biomom? I don't think she is doing this purposely, I think she is clueless on how to raise children, she has no family support, and is racked with guilt on what she put the older one through. She comes across pretty good in public and as a caring mother so I think SW is seeing the issue as sibling rivalry as opposed to sibling abuse. Do we have to wait until there is a major injury--what if the injury is only mental?:confused:

What if the injury is only mental??? That is often FAR WORSE than physical hurt. If you have a good relationship with her, try to coach her about how to get her baby to attach to her. At the very least try to get her to see that a typical toddler can be taught how to behave, and he shouldn't be attacking the baby. That baby needs her attention and protection. Her feelings aren't important, his are.

I think the visits with you need to stop. The children need to move on and bond with their mother. Mom may be resisting suggestions from you--please leave it to the social worker to help her get whatever therapy or services she needs. Let Mom call you if she wants your advice; otherwise, leave this family alone to grow and bond together.

RobinKay is right in that the visits with you need to stop, at least for the time being. The kids and their mom need to have time to bond together. Continued visits with you only prolong the difficulties for all three as far as bonding as a family goes. That's not to say that you should never see them again, only that you need to give them time as a family. Back off for at least a few months unless the mom calls you and asks you a question. This needs to stop immediately. One thing that cps will be watching during the first months at home is how mom is able to deal with the stresses of being a full-time mom. By giving 'her a break' you are interferring with that process. To whom did the daycare make their report? You or cps? They shouldn't be reporting things regarding that family to you as you are no longer a party to the case. Once the children are ru'd, then no one should be reporting things that are going on to you. If they have concerns they need to report them to cps.

The last time I saw the baby was because he got sick at daycare and they couldn't get a hold of mom (I am on the emergency card because as I said she has no family support). She then asked me to watch him the next day because he was too sick to go to daycare and she had her AA class and drug court. I learned about the "aggressive bahavior" because biomom told me the judge brought it up at family court and she felt it was an unfair label (we then had a long discussion on why that would have been said about him). We have also talked about information she has been withholding from her SW (I think I am the only person she has to talk to--literally) and have been able to help her process her thoughts and be more honest with CPS--these are things that are not "hurting" her case. I have struggled with if I should help her or not. If I do she has a shot at making it, If i don't she will most likely fail--it will just be difficult for me to watch the kids go through that process again. I think about the "it takes a village idea" but maybe CPS can and should be that village. I am sure I cannot be truly unbiased in this situation. Just to be clear, I have never asked for the children but have only taken them when she has indicated she needs a break. I did offer to take just the older one for an afternoon so she could have some one-on-one time with the baby, she took me up on it the next day. I think I will do as Withay and RobinKay suggest and make myself less available. I am probably holding her back from doing what she is truly capable of. Thanks for the advice!

RobinKay--I have been giving your advise A LOT of thought (and I appreciate it). I agree that I need to bow out so the baby can appropriately bond (the older child already has an attachment). Here is what I am struggling with--for the first 6 months the children visited with mom weekly (to avoid losing their attachment). They were scheduled to be returned after 6 mo as mom was following her plan and making progress. At the 6 mo mark both the SW and judge did not feel she was ready as she had been a drug addict for a VERY LONG time (these were not her first children) and they wanted a longer period of sobriety. For the next three months, however, they stayed with her every other week for 5 days (at transition house with little to no supervision). After 3 more months she got them for 4 days a week. The last month and a half before they were returned she got her own place and had them 4 days a week completely unsupervised. We live in the same city so they kept their same routine (day care, dr, etc). We have always talked about what they did at each others houses and tried to be supportive of each other's parenting style for the last 6 months. My concern is when will the younger one bond with his mother? And vise versa? It seems there has been plenty of opportunity and that my husband and I have worked very hard to make this as positive of an experience as possible for both boys. We made sure we were very positive and happy for them when they went for visits, we kept a picture of her and them on the refrigerator at their height and pointed to it daily and said things like "mommy loves you and misses you." During all this time the little one has shown NO EMOTION for her yet readily laughs, plays and cuddles with friends of ours that he sees maybe once a month. I can say thay mom is not a real warm fuzzy --she has definetly seen the worst life has to offer. I also know she is trying to turn her life around and is sincere in her efforts to stay sober. So when will he bond? Is it possible he won't? Can a baby have any memories of abuse in utero (she didn't want him and blamed her pregnancy and his birth for her boyfriend leaving)?

The problem isn't the child not bonding with the mother, the mother hasn't bonded to the child. The child WILL NOT bond with a mother who treats him as sub-standard, (sleeping on the floor with 2nd best) and catering to her older son. SHE had a bond with the 2 y/o when he came into care. SHE didn't have a good bond with the youngest, and HE has bonded to you, the one who has taken proper care of him. The fault is not with the child. It is better for her to be successful with one child, than to fail with 2. I would report it, and stay on top of it, because chances are, if this is her best case scenario (and there is more compliance while CPS is still watching, after that is over, they can "relax") if this her best diligence toward this child, then it's NOT enough, IMO. A foster parent I knew took care of 2 toddlers and an infant for a mother who eventually, after 15 months, got her children back. This mother recognized that she had not bonded with the baby, and called the foster parent to see if she would agree to adopt the youngest child, which she did. This is a true mother, who recognized that she was not able to provide love & caring for the child that she lost so young. She is doing great with the older 2, and that has been a few years back. If she is having you pick up the child, and still letting you be the responsible party for the child, then she is NOT taking responsibility as she should be. The mental abuse is unexcusable, the physical abuse is unacceptable, and I would report it in a heartbeat. It is not your decision, but your obligation to remained involved, even it's from a distance for now. What are you going to do if something terrible happens to him? I would tell the CW that she is doing GREAT with the oldest (and she probably feels guilty and is trying to make it up to him.) but that the youngest could be in harm's way. It's an awful situation, I'm sorry you are in it. Your heart is in the right place, I just don't want it to be too late for this child. He needs someone to speak for him and every day that passes is a lost opportunity.

I would definitely report it. Leave it up to CPS to investigate and make a decision. I believe as Foster Parents it is our responsibility to report something any time we believe a child is being abused. That being said, God love you Jill for being there to help out birth Mom. You sound like such a Wonderful person. Despite the fact that your "responsibility" (for lack of a better word) is over with these children, you are still the rock that family needs. How many birth Moms get that in a Foster Parent? Not many!I would like to ask does the CW know of your relationship? What are their thoughts on your involvement? I ask because I was told some CW are sensitive about any interaction between birth family & FP's without going thru CW. Then others are open to whatever!

I had taken "older sib" out the other day to give mom time with baby and he left a precious toy at our house--mom called looking for it. This evening I packed it up with a few other belongings of the boys to drop off at her house. I called to tell her I would leave it on her door handle so as not to disrupt the boys -- she was baffled and said it would be no big deal to come by. She then proceeded to tell me about the last few days and wondered if I wanted to take one or both of the kids some time this week. I said I would keep in touch, but left it at that. She has no idea how difficult it is for me and "baby" to separate (even though he screams and I tear up). I feel kind of bad that I am not being honest with her. Even though we have little in common and she would not be the type of person I would like to hang out with, I really do admire what she has accomplished and "like" her. I also think she is doing her best with the older child and that he knows it. I think I will talk with the CASA (although she has been a little flakey in this case) and see what she thinks. I would take baby back in a heartbeat (and my husband supports this as he is also torn apart by his treatment) but know that adoption is really not an option--we have three bios, youngest 12--we are not wanting to "start over" again. Thank you Rev320ratjat for your insight--I didn't really think about it as HER problem and not his. I don't think her handing baby over to CPS is totally out of the question. Paenting-over-40 - yes the SW knows about our relationship and has said she likes it. But, like I said, she hasn't responded to my e-mails lately (maybe I am stepping into her territory). Thanks for letting me "talk", I hope it's not too annoying to everyone else, but it has sure helped me get a load off my shoulders and start to process my thoughts (as opposed to what I had been doing--crying).

Jill, that is great that your SW knows about the relationship and likes it. I wouldn't read too much into her not answering your recent emails. She may have had a lot thrown on her plate or been out on vacation or who knows what is going on. Since she has been supportive so far, I wouldn't assume anything has changed. I hear ya about the crying part. It is good that you got this off of your chest. Hopefully there will be fewer tears because you did vent. Please let us know how this resolved. Would love to hear the follow-up.