Do you regret your closed adoption?

Although many talk about open adoption being easier for the first mother, really, the intent of open adoption is about being the best for the adoptee (ability to face reality, ask questions, understand their history, know their biological past, feel connected, understand they werent rejected, feel loved). Brenda Romanchik of Open Adoption Insight (google it) is a wonderful resource ... I would encourage you to rethink your decision.

Dear UHE, Hi. My name is Janey. I relinquished 2 children during the Closed Era. I see just from your screenname that you are in deep pain and I understand and respect that completely. Please understand that I'm not trying to dissuade you from entering into a closed adoption situation, you of course have the right to decide what type of adoption you'd like to initiate. But please researched Closed Adoption thoroughly before you decide on this option. To be quite frank, I would guess that almost all women you might talk to from the Closed Era who relinquished would like to see closed adoptions go away............forever. There is absolutely no peace in a closed adoption. Women from the Closed Era have spent many decades of our lives not knowing anything about how our children are doing; even if they're alive or dead. Now, that may have changed somewhat. I don't know. I don't know if the laws have changed regarding closed adoptions. I think that you are in deep grief which I totally get. Perhaps you are thinking that if you enter into a closed adoption then you can keep the grief at bay? That's a very human reaction. But it's not so sweetie. Maybe no one else will tell you that but it's just not so. If anything, IMO a closed adoption only makes the grief worse because our children simply "vanish" in a way and we're left the rest of our lives to wonder. Also, closed adoptions are very hard on the adoptee. There are three wonderful adoptees here who can give you insight into the closed era. I will PM their names to you so that you can contact them if you want to. Keep talking to us, okay? :grouphug:

Hopefully I am one of the three adoptees Janey just mentioned. Growing up not knowing anything whatsoever about where you come from is incredibly hard. I would look in the mirror to see if my face fit together - sounds like vanity right? It's not in my opinion, it is because NO ONE I knew looked anything remotely like me so I had nothing to compare to...children see themselves in their parents, children love their parents so therefore because they look like their parents they are okay...it wasn't until I was in my mid forties that I reunited and you know what? I can look in the mirror now and know I share features with others and they are good people so it makes me fit in with others in humanity...it really is the most basic step in self identity. The other parts that fit into the same self identity issue to me is again, my personality type etc, no one in my family has a personality that I can recognise in myself. Of course none of this negates how I feel about my family, simply how I have never felt a biological connection and that is something closed adoptions can never overcome...the who am I, am I normal, where do I come from...those questions, while seeming trite to some are really at the heart of what we are missing. Not sure how much you really want to know about how the adoptees actually feel who have lived their entire life without a biological connection but - consider this, whether we as adults we are never allowed to know where we came from, who are ancestors are, what they struggled through, where they came from. what they accomplished, those who gave us their dna that created who we are today...not when we are 20 years old, not when we are 80 years old... And finally, one of the biggies to me, we will never know why we were not worth keeping. Come over to the adoptee forum and read the posts there, ask questions, to really see how other closed adoption adoptees feel. Kind regards,Dickons

Have you considered a semi-open adoption? I know you said you do not want pictures or letters or anything but I have a feeling that may change when your child is born.Also, a semi-open adoption still keeps a line of communication open (typically through an agency or lawyer...somebody correct me if I'm wrong) so that your child can ask information of you should they want to know.I haven't had the same problems come to the forefront as other closed adoptees, but I still think it would be helpful to leave at least one line of communication open in case your child happens to be one of those who really needs answers about their identity.

We all know that adoption is a very personal decision, and one that is very hard to come to. Being from the closed era myself, I wholeheartedly agree with Janey-closed adoptions are bad. I look at my son, his adoptive family, me, my family, and the closed adoption affected every single one of us and not in good ways. There just has to be a better way, and maybe if there is some middle ground-like a semi open adoption, that would be a good alternative. This way, there is some form of information flow but it is more controlled. I just know that I had one piece of information about my son 2 years after he was born and I carried that information with me, wrote it down, did not want to forget it because it was the one thing I knew about him after I relinquished him. I was certain, when I relinquished him, that completely "giving him up" was best for everyone but my son had all those same questions Dickons had-where do I come from, who do I look like, why am I such a loud person when my family are meek and quiet? And now he can look in the mirror and know that he looks just like me. I do really think it would have given him much more peace if he knew the answers to these questions earlier in his life. This is just my take on it, and if I could magically go back and wave my wand, I would not want a closed adoption for my son.

I first went to an agency that was offering semi-open adoption. I SO WANTED THAT! But was coerced by my parents and my doctor to go 'old school' closed, not supposed to know even the sex of my child. Yea right, forget, move on. Not a chance. I miss the years with my son, but I do have the feeling that I made the right decision as far as adoption is concerned. My biggest regret is that it was a closed adoption. I wished I'd stuck to my guns and had that semi-open adoption. I can see how the idea of a closed adoption could appeal to you. I can understand that there could be times in an open or semi-open adoption that it would be really painful to get updates or pictures or whatever, but why close that door? I wish you all the best.

I had a semi-open and I would recommend it if you really don't want a fully open one. I enjoyed getting pictures and letters. It very much helped with my healing. And I'm sure it also benefitted my son, who got to see what I looked like (we bear a strong resemblance, too) and know about me and other family members, and also get his medical history. I didn't get a lot of updates. Back in those days I could request them once a year and I would usually get something every year, but sometimes it would be every other. Of course, I would have liked to get updates more often, but the fact that I got them at all was a tremendous blessing to me. I don't know if I could have handled an OA, but it wasn't even an option when I placed my son. I wish, though, that I did have the ability to select my son's parents and know more about them before I placed him. My son's parents were selected for me, I got to know some very basic info, and I did have the right to say "no" to that match if there was anything I didn't like about them. Then they would have gone on to the next couple. I said yes to the first couple presented, and they turned out to be great parents, but I still can't believe I essentially gave my baby to people I hardly knew. There was just no other option back then for me to know more about any of the couples presented. You have this option, and I would strongly consider being involved at least somewhat in the selection process. Whatever you decide, keep in mind two things: 1. How you feel before you have your babies can change dramatically after you have them. You may be more geared toward a closed adoption now, but may end up deciding to go with something more open, or perhaps even decide to parent. I would look into all your options both before and after you have your children. You don't need to rush into anything. 2. Open and semi-open adoptions are NOT legally binding in most states. That means the parents who adopt your children can decide, at any time, for any reason, to close the adoption. This can be tremendously difficult for any woman who has surrendered children to adoption. Good luck with whatever you decide, and keep us posted.

My son's birthmom wanted a closed adoption, so that's what we have, even though we really wanted an open one. She lives nearby, and I just found out she's moving to another state! She's on myspace, and I'd like to contact her before she moves, but don't know if I should. She can get in touch with us if she ever changes her mind, through the agency, plus I told her so! (was lucky enough to meet her once.) So I guess what I'm saying is that if you change your mind after, it's not necessarily too late! You can let the aparents know this! If, like us, they're open, they won't mind! I know each birth mom has to do what's best for her, but IMHO, it's best for adoptees to have some contact, at least letters or something.Best of luck!Lynn

I'm an adoptee, not a bparent, but I hope you'll let me put in my two cents. I can understand why you feel it would be too painful to have the pictures, updates, etc. However, I agree with the others that it might be best for you to at least have the possibility of contact. It sounds like the best thing for you would be to find a couple who would be happy with open adoption but accepting of not having contact with you, so you would be able to change your mind if that happens. At the least, I would suggest that you and the aparents keep each other apprised of current contact info, even if you have no further contact beyond that. Why close the door forever when you can't know how you'll feel about it 1, 5, or 20 years from now?