kinship and belonging

Hi, Thanks for posting this topic. As an adoptee from a closed adoption I think it is an interesting one. I was fortunate and had a wonderful adoption with loving and kind parents and extended family- felt I belonged but longed to resemble someone! I reunited with my birth siblings about 15 years ago. It was life-changing to meet siblings who mirrored my physical traits. Seeing my features in others and my voice sounding identical to one of my sisters was a great connection for me. Even our mannerisms. It was wonderful to see that connection and to know I did not "fall from the sky" or appear out of no where. Seeing pictures of my birth parents- I realized I looked more like my birth mother than my older sisters. But regarding our values, life styles, family dynamics, religion, etc, I did not feel a connection with my birth siblings. In the adoption support groups I have facilitated I have noticed that many adoptees were adopted into families of middle class to wealthier class families. Adoptees have shared that they feel they were provided many opportunities and advantages by being adopted. ( Not true in all adoptions ) But if that is more common then adoptees may feel a distance between their birth family in reunions. This is where the Nature/Nuture issue can impact adoptees. When I met my birth sisters I noticed many differences in our lives. I had a college education, experienced wonderful travel as a child, and music/art/childrens camps. My birth family lived in a large city and struggled financially, and my birth parents were married, divorced, had alcohol issues. I was the youngest & only child given up for adoption.They struggled to put food on the table at times. That was hard to discover. So I had a wonderful reunion with them but somewhat strained. It was not so much the financial issues/but our values and family dynamics. I felt that we truly had lived different lives. None of my sisters went to college and they married the same so were blue collar workers. It felt odd to show them my photos and my life of opportunity as compared to theirs. I did not grow up rich, more middle class, but in comparion to my birth family, I had many privileges. I know that many birth parents, even if they had challenges at the time of their child's birth and financial issues, did not remain that way. But some if they had kept their babies and had no support, would they have had more difficulty financially? Its hard to imagine what my life would have been like if I would have stayed with my birth family - my sisters had a hard life and layers of challenges. At first I felt some guilt for being adopted and my birth sisters weren't. But I came to peace in that I had no control over that. In reunion I did extend love and acceptance to them.

Finding my bfamily strengthened my connections with both my aparents and my bfamily. I've noticed that while my personality and morals reflect those of my aparents, I share a kindred spirit with my bfamily in the sense that I know where the more free spirited part of me came from. I too always felt awkward and distanced from my extended afamily. Especially when talking about the family genes passed along to this one or that one. While I have a deep love and sense of loyality to my parents and grandma, I really don't care about the rest of the extended family anymore (nor have they ever cared about me for that matter). That caring has long ago vanished when I realized that no matter what I did, how much I wanted to be included, I never would be. The acceptance of that allowed me to be more open to a reunion. When that reunion happpened, I was amazed at the fact that in every page of the photo album I gave my bmom, she pointed out who I looked like. It was amazing. It also is wonderful to see the similarities in our personalities, mannerisms and thought processes. But in those similarities I also see differences in how each of us handled things in life. I guess you could say we have alot of the same traits, exeriences and quirks, sometimes with different outcomes simply because my upbringing was different. I know I'd be a completely different person if I was raised in my bfamily. Since I like who I am, it is a complicated matter in that respect. I find myself more conservative in my views, but yet am drawn to and fit in with my more free spirited bfamily perfectly. There are alot of factors at play, both nurture and nature. I look at it like I get to have the best of 2 very diverse worlds, and I really, really belong to both worlds.

Hi Jody M,I can definitely relate. For me, the socio-economic divide was absolutely immense (my b-parents ended up dying from poverty-related causes) and the guilt was intense, to say the least. My therapist had told me the term, 'survivor guilt'. I'm still grappling at some level with coming to peace with what's unfolded in my and my b-family's life. But in the meantime, at least I've come to a clearer distinction between the nature/nurture aspects of kinship, belonging and identity regarding transcultural adoption. Now just imagine the dynamics if one of my b-siblings and I landed with the same genetically-related illness and then had to share the same hospital ward! Glad to hear that you're at peace with your situation.

Hi Ripples, thanks for your response to my post and I thought it interesting the term your counselor used- survivor guilt. It is not often a topic brought up regarding adoptees. Often adoptees in search feel guilt about searching- doing something they may feel "wrong" about or scared of hurting others feelings- "rocking the boat" so to say. And then in reunion, I know some adoptees who feel guilt about spending time with the birth family or guilt if they are with the birth family for some holiday- guilt they should be with their adoptive family. And the guilt- some adoptees feel when they see the advantages they had in life over their birth family or birth siblings. Would love to hear other adoptees share if they had feelings of guilt in their adoption/reunion journey. Thanks, and Kitty May- thanks for your great post and sharing the perspective of embracing the good attributes and traits from both our adoptive and birth families. A good practice for all adoptees, Jody

Yep - the quoted bit describes my feelings of survivor guilt. However, luckily I don't feel guilty about all the other stuff you'd mentioned as my a-family have been very supportive about my search and reunion. I guess having also been brought up in a family of divorced and remarried parents, I'm used to doing the split in spending time, guilt-free and no feelings about hurting anyone, between different parts of the family. It's sad that many adoptees feel that somehow their searching is 'rocking the boat', doing something 'wrong' - as if finding the other part of one's self is somehow hurting, betraying, abandoning or being disloyal to their a-family. We're all a blend of some kind, in my view.

I grew up in long term foster care, more like an adoptive relationship. I knew all through about my birth parents, but my birth mother chose not to be involved in my life. When I finally met her and my sisters, I had so much expectation and so many things that I wanted my mother to be. What I found was someone who had been neglectful and violent to my sisters, destructive in all her romantic relationships, and still stuck being a child, as if when I was removed, she stayed there, at the age of 16. In getting to know my sisters, I feel some of that guilt about the opportunities I was provided, and that they certainly didn't receive. In the sense of belonging, I was left feeling less like I belonged anywhere. I will always have a huge emotional tie to my foster parents, who I love dearly, but I don't feel I really belong there. My foster father is dying of cancer, and I feel that I will be seen differently from my foster sister (who is their child) when he dies, by all the family. Meeting my biological family only served to make me feel more alienated from everyone, and even less like I belong anywhere. I see some similarities with my birth father, looks, humour, taste in music, films, books etc, and this is the only thing that makes me feel a little grounded, like I have some true relation to someone. Leila x

Leila, thanks so much for sharing your story and challenging reunion journey. Your expectations going into reunion with birth family so reflect the expectations of many adoptees and birth parents who search for relatives they have been separated from. After facilitating adoption triad support groups for 14 years, I have witnessed this high expectation in so many- it is normal and natural. And I have a passion to walk with persons contemplating reunions in helping them be aware of the possibilities of outcomes before they reunite.( the realities vs the fantasies ) Who does not want a fairy tale ending- that is often the desire of most who search- to find someone they are related to and an honest desire. Fostering understanding and adoption education is an essential ingredient in an adoption support group. Adoption has evolved and changed dramatically in the past decades. Adoption has become more open and the psychology and resources available have moved closer and closer to honor all parties involved. Many birth parents years ago received little to no counseling- and many were shunned by their families, relatives, friends, communities and sadly even some of their churches ( where unconditional love & grace should abound ) Many did not receive any counsel and the counsel that was available was often not compassionate and helpful to allow grieving and safe places to find healing, support and encouragement. Understandable Leila that your birth mother sadly became a victim of the failed system of the past. But so so painful for you Leila to experience and witness this. In my life of faith, I have seen that these experiences call us to pray for those who have been the recipients of such a painful experience as your birth mother. Scripture exhorts us to pray for those who persecute or hurt us. When we do this we can grieve our losses and the unresolved loss and grief of others. Praying transforms our hearts and response to them. No, we cannot change the past, and we cannot fix it. But we can pray for God's transforming grace and power to redeem the past. I love the verse in Joel where God promises " I will redeem the years the locust ate away" Circumstances are out of our control- especially from the past, but we can walk forward and choose positive responses to undesirable situations. When we do, we prevent bitterness and chose instead to become part of the solution- and our hearts then move to compassion and unconditional love for the unlovely. We then become victors in the situation, and not victims. The gift of honest prayer is the most beautiful gift you can give someone.Whether they welcome a relationship with us or not. Prayer has everlasting benefits. And its exciting to watch and see what God can do in answer to our earnest, honest prayers for the other person in His perfect timing and creative ways. I understand that I hold this perspective and know that others may not embrace a life of faith and prayer. But I share it for I have witnessed in my own life a peace and inner joy, regardless of the circumstances when I surrender my loss and grief and buried dreams to prayer. I pray for peace for you Leila and for your birth mother and family. Blessings, Jody

It was either old age or reunion, possibly both, that taught me that I don't belong 100% to any family - except the one I created myself, my husband and kids. I used to have troubling thoughts of not belonging before I saw the big picture completely. For a long while the thought of NOT belonging 100% was a bad thing. It took years to realize that I belong where I want to belong. I belong in many places for many different reasons in many different ways. Now my thought of 'belonging' is a peaceful realization that frees me to be 100% me. Me, a combination of it all.

Belonging is something all humans yearn for whether it's at school, in sports, on website forums online (lol) or in families of course...I think everyone struggles with feeling like the outsider from time to time, adopted or otherwise. If belonging is an issue you seem to grapple with physically or socially or in any way, I would try to keep in mind the fact that all humans have far more commonalities than differences, and at the end of the day, humans like to feel like they are equals to each other. It's funny because in my situation, I am genetically more muscular and athletic naturally than the family that adopted me, although, they are also great athletes (thankfully). We joke about how they wish they had my physical features, etc. Is it awkward for me? Not as much now that I am engaged to a beautiful woman (inside and out). Life is a continuum and many of the questions we want answers to right away do not come until later, but most of them will be answered eventually.

I was raised in an italian family. I was 5'6 in 6th grade with long blonde hair and blue eyes. 5'9 in HS. I did not look like anyone. I wanted so badly to be a "real" person in my family. I wanted my adoption story to just fade away. It never does. You are who you become, nature and nuture both play roles. My entire adopted family died 19 years ago, I became once again alone with no history. I did find my birth mother and a 1/2 brother. It was a great reuinon but it has faded, she has many issues reagrding me and basically just the way her life turned out. We were in contact for 11 years and I stopped the contact 6 years ago. I still have a relationship with my 1/2 brother, he lives across the country, as does she. I fight an inner struggle to actually admit my own nationality. I wanted to be Italian so badly. I am fortunate to now know my heritage but it still feels like a story, it does not seem real. I am divorced and now married to an italian man (go figure right?) My chidren from my first marriage look a lot like me. It has taken me 49 years to finally say that I am 1/2 French and 1/4 Irish and1/4 English. It feels good but I will always have that inital response when asked what my nationality is, I was raised in an italian family...........

I struggled with trying to figure out where I "fit in" with my family my whole life. I've always felt like the black sheep of my afamily. I had a closed adoption but when I met my bfamily everything just clicked. My mom and I look alike. We have very similar personalities, speech patterns, and facial expressions. My morals and values are also the same as my bfamily. I don't fit in 100% with my bfamily but I feel like they are my family and I don't really feel this with my afamily.

Jody, I appreciate your writings regarding reunion. I am a birthmother, found 5 years ago. The reunion overall has gone smoothly, when looking at the big picture. I can't imagine ever not having my bson in our lives from the first day forward. Our lives are different, but yet I feel our hearts intwined. It just is. I see difference and commonality within my children. I see the differences because of fathers, families, mothers, extended families. Yet, honestly, and so very thankfully, I see reunions of the heart. From the great grandmother to the youngest nephew of 1, I can't imagine keeping those relationships from each other. Especially as we become adults. My bson was 28 when we met. If it was "timing" as in everything happens for a reason. Our stars were lighting the path. Regretting that it ever had to happen, losing my first child to adoption. Reunion makes what is left in our lives (and I would pray Much) fulfilling. Looking forward to reading your blog. Currently visiting my rson and dil in Switzerland. Looking over the mountains early in the morning. There is a great creator, and our lives should be lived majestically! Circumstances and all experiences make us who we are. Worthy of belonging to our humanness.

Jody, I appreciate your writings regarding reunion. I am a birthmother, found 5 years ago. The reunion overall has gone smoothly, when looking at the big picture. I can't imagine ever not having my bson in our lives from the first day forward. Our lives are different, but yet I feel our hearts intwined. It just is. I see difference and commonality within my children. I see the differences because of fathers, families, mothers, extended families. Yet, honestly, and so very thankfully, I see reunions of the heart. From the great grandmother to the youngest nephew of 1, I can't imagine keeping those relationships from each other. Especially as we become adults. My bson was 28 when we met. If it was "timing" as in everything happens for a reason. Our stars were lighting the path. Regretting that it ever had to happen, losing my first child to adoption. Reunion makes what is left in our lives (and I would pray Much) fulfilling. Looking forward to reading your blog. Currently visiting my rson and dil in Switzerland. Looking over the mountains early in the morning. There is a great creator, and our lives should be lived majestically! Circumstances and all experiences make us who we are. Worthy of belonging to our humanness. :grouphug: