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First, I want to share a little background-
I placed my daughter 19 years ago. I was married but separated from my husband. We were planning to divorce, we were living separately, and seeing others. I got pregnant and when I was 4 months I decided my future was so sketchy, that I thought placing in a 2 parent, stable home would be best. I chose the family, and go to know them before the adoption. It was not open, but I did received pics for the first 3 years. I sent them pics and keepsakes for them to give to her.
She found me accidentally on adoption.com, she googled her name and my post of her adoption came up. She didn't want contact then, when she was 18, so we stopped. Then things changed she told her mom she wanted contact, we became friends on fb and met in person in June. Her mom didn't want us to be in contact and didn't encourage it. We had a great time, and it felt so good and comfortable being with each other. She wanted to know everything. Most of it was good, but she also learned of the things I gave her mom to give to her, and she said she never got them. When she got home everyone was upset with her. And she was upset with her mom.
So, here we are now. After we met she stopped responding to my messages on fb. If I sent her something before, she would acknowledge it, now she doesn't. I sent her a letter last week just letting her know that she is free to contact me on her terms, when she wants and when she is ready. I let her know I would always be here for her. I love her and always have. So, I sent her a message asking if she got it, and no response.
My questions are-
Should I continue to attempt contact? Should I continue sending little notes on fb. I am careful to keep it positive. Nothing heavy or too, sappy. She doesn't have any pics that her mom had for me to give to her. Should I sent her some. Now? or for Christmas? I know each circumstance is different, but can you guess what you would want from a birth mom in this instance? She said she was happy and glad she has the family she has. She also says that she always wanted to know me and wanted contact.
Any insight you can share with me would help me so much!!
Thank you!!!
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I am so sorry that your reunion has run into a snag. It sounds as if she is caught between you and her aparents. This is very hard for someone to feel pressure from all sides. I say give her some space. Try to always let her know where you are and how to contact you. I would send cards or something simple on holidays and birthdays. I would not try to push her into a relationship right now as it seems she may be struggling. I hope that someday her parents see the value of her having a relationship with you.
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I don't really know what's best. I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. My bio mom doesn't have anything to do with me, but I'm not sure why. She filed for the release of information through the Dept. of Vital Statistics in the province I was born and we were put in contact. We had a superficial email relationship for about a year. I sent her an email saying happy mother's day in '06 and never heard from her again. :(
I have sort of been in your shoes as my bdaughter - in her late teens - didn't respond to my letters and cards for two years after a reunion in her early teens! During that horrid, frustrating time I vented here, on other bmother blogs and followed the advise of an adoptee friend who kept telling me to send birthday and xmas cards and occasional messages to her facebook. WE are now back in contact and I am praying it will last.
Hang in there and vent here. I think you will have to tough it out until she grows up and feels able to have a separate relationship with you away from her afamily. But always send the cards for xmas and her birthday...
BTW I read on a bmother blog a while back about a bmother who sent cards to her son for SIX YEARS before he replied to her. Don't give up hope.
It all takes time and when you are as impatient as I am it can be excruciating. :hissy: But we have to wait and learn patience.
Also an adopted family can have a lot of control over a person. My Adopted mom was a wonderful person about everything except when it came to my adoption. She could never fathom how I would ever want to know anything about my birth mother. I think that things got stirred up pretty bad and she is pulling back because of it. It might even be something as infantile as her adopted mom making her promise to not have contact with you again. Sometimes it is hard to be the adult in a situation but that's what you have to do in this situation.
She knows how to get in touch with you when the time is right for her so I'd limit any messages to birthday greetings and major holidays. I am assuming that you are still a friend on facebook so you can see what is going on in her life and vice versa. I also wouldn't send anything to her in the mail. It could easily be intercepted by her adopted mom and discarded or thrown in her face as something from "that woman". I'm not trying to sound mean but that is how some a-parents treat the situation.
It's better to slip back into the shadows knowing that they know you are there for them when they are ready.
Best wishes, hang in there, and vent to your hearts content. You are among friends.
It seems like you've done what you can do. There isn't any need for contacting her more if you let her know that you will always be there for her on HER TERMS. It's a shame that her parents hid anything from their daughter but you don't need to increase the pressure from your side. Hey, you have facebook, you can still see her as much as you want even if you're not in touch...appreciate what you do have at the moment and hope for the best.
Good luck!
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sstuart
I am so sorry that your reunion has run into a snag. It sounds as if she is caught between you and her aparents. This is very hard for someone to feel pressure from all sides. I say give her some space. Try to always let her know where you are and how to contact you. I would send cards or something simple on holidays and birthdays. I would not try to push her into a relationship right now as it seems she may be struggling. I hope that someday her parents see the value of her having a relationship with you.
Her mom may be a huge part of the problem and she may have become overwhelmed by the emotions of having lived her entire life never expecting to meet you...to me I would think it is both. Please send notes/cards etc on holidays as you may need to earn her trust that she will not be rejected again (some adoptees will always feel they were rejected by the fact they were adopted). There is no better way than unconditionally accepting that she does not want contact at this time by making sure through your actions that you are there when she is ready. Kind regards,Dickons
Thank you everyone for the help. I have not contacted her since my letter, although she did send me a fb note that she got it!!! Yay!
I can handle waiting, it's the not know what's going on in her head about contact that was frustrating. Her getting my letter, letting me know, and then not contacting me further lets me know she isn't ready for more. I really am okay with that.
Thanks again!
Stick with your instinct, you wrote that she is free to contact you on her terms and it is most fair to everyone if you uphold that. Sending additional messages robs her of any control of the situation. Do not send parcels, letters, emails or fb messages. You might send a card at the holidays if you have not heard from her but you have got to allow her to take the lead in your communication.
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I am sorry this has happened the way it has. I hink the fact she knows you sent items that she never recieved and her mom didn't tell her is probaly caused a huge uproar in her family. She doesnt have the confidence at this point to know how to handle it and whatreally is best for her. Like dickons said she is probaly totally overwhelmed and woill take the path of least resistence in terms of her adoption. Is she in college? She is probaly trying to figure out where her life is going. An OCCASIONAL comment from you on facebook I think is ok. Happy halloween, merry christmas ect. I do think she is very intersted in knowing you but the fall out is to much for her to handle right now. Good luck
How is she robbed of control?? She can continue to be hard-hearted and rude. What is wrong with a mother letting their child know they want to see them? I did not give my daughter up for adoption. She was taken from me by CPS. Should I just sit back and wait too? What about my aching heart?? I don't deserve the torture.
Not sure if this thread is still an active one or not...But I'll give it a shot.
I am an adult adoptee, and growing up, my amom and I always talked about my being adopted, in fact when I turned 18 she even wanted to help me "find out." However to no avail. BUT she did say that if I ever did find my real parents that she might feel hurt if she felt that I was developing feeling towards her (bmom).
I eventually stopped searching and for quite some time. (20 years or so) My amom passed away this past xmas (09). So I feel, oh safer, in searching. I loved my amom, she was my very best friend and to have caused her pain was far greater than anything I could imagine or would ever want to do. I guess maybe your daughter doesn't really want to hurt her family by getting too close to you.
I'm sure one day your daughter may wander back into your life. Yet I would still let her know how you feel and still stay in touch with her. FOR her to feel like she has been rejected by you twice may be a bit TOO unbearable. Send her B-day cards, hit up her FB, never stop letting her know you love her. You are her mom. Love can never be wrong. But always respect her boundaries. SHE does have another family.
And if she never responds to you, so be it. At least you and she know the answers so many of us beg to know. You made a decision to give her up. And whatever your reasons were I know it wasn't easy. And this has to be very hard for you. And extremely hard for her as well. Give her time, lots of it. It may be 20 years before you may hear from her again, but I suggest you be there for her, no matter the costs.
I wish you well.
Aw, it sounds like your daughter really wants you in her life, but her adoptive mom is making things difficult. Your daughter is very young and probably still influenced by her parents. As she gets older and matures, it may be easier for her to form a relationship with you.
It is so sad when adoptive parents don't understand or choose not to understand how important and non-threatening to them it is for adoptees to have a relationship with their birth parents.
I would continue to send little notes on Facebook. Or cards on special occasions. (Would her mom keep them from her?) Let her know that you will always be there for her.
Another thought. Would her adoptive mom be willing to talk with you?
Best wishes.
Snuffie
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