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Hi
I am writing this as I know how hard it is to have someone understand or even understand ourselves the emotions that come with searching. I am now 29 and this is my story.
I have always known i was adopted and my adoptive parants are fantastic. i was one of four children (the third) and was adopted along with my younger sister. I have an older brother and sister who were sperated, my sister going to another family and my brother never being placed due to behavioural problems. i lost contact with my older sister when i was very young and my brother when i was around 12. I have always been curious about my past, after all just because i was adopted with a new name etc does not mean i didnt exist before that date. I remember missing my brother terribly. My mother has always been supportive of any questions but its not something that was ever really discussed.
I have been looking for answers since i was 16 but my mother always advised me to put it off till i was older. I was under the impression that my parants were young, alcohol was involved and thats why we were removed from their care (or lack there of). little was i to know how wrong i was.
eventually at 26 i decided the time was right. my family did not want any part in it so i did it alone, though keeping my mother informed. just before i was due to go in to discuss and recieve my records i asked one thing. if there is anything they knew to tell me. i dont like suprises but how bad could it be. i was assured there was nothing else. I didnt really feel anything that day just going through the motions.
the woman asked me what i knew i told her and she said this was going to be a shock. she began to tell me a horrifying story of physical abuse and neglect, drugs and alcohol, countless injuries and eventual removal. then onto foster care where she liked to give cold baths as punishment. i sat there unable to speak but remember crying. it felt like my whole world had suddenly been ripped from underneath me. I had no idea. My younger sister wanted nothing to do with it and i guess i fely betrayed at my parants not telling me the truth. it took a long time to realise she couldnt tell me as it was to painful even for her. we have never discussed it again.
the next few weeks were a daze as I tried locating my siblings. First came my older sister whose family had not worked out as well but we struck up a good relationship and hope to meet for the first time next year. (we live in different countries). i was at last thinking something good came out of it. then came news of my brother. he is institutionalised even at 33 with serious mental health problems. All the anger and the guilt that i had a life and he didnt came crashing down. For the first time i was angry and confused and all of those emotions i was not expecting. I am in contact with him and he is very sweet but frustrating. I am now responsible for him and could never walk away even when it sometimes feels overwhelming. I love all my siblings but feel most responsible for him. he is also the one who breaks my heart.
last week on the phone to him he mentioned one of his social workers many years ago telling him our biological fatther was dead. I had not known this and have no way of knowing how or why. Any chance for answers died with him.
As i write this, i relalise i have built up a wall. its like im reading about someone elses life. I have not grieved or can really begin to understand why. This journey has changed me in a way that gives me a sense of who i am and yet still confuses me. I know i should feel something but i am afraid to go any further. i am reminded of the thought i made my bed, i went looking for answers but no one said it was going to be a perfectly happy ending. my mother is still out there but i cant take any more blows. if i search i have to face up to the past and hurt the people im trying to build a relationship. i go from sypathy for her to hate and then eventually back to the WHY?
On a brighter note i have a good relationship with my new found siblings though it brings with it, its own sense of issues but on the whole my brother has a family now.
I struggle to accept that someone would want to hurt us or why. i dont understand why we were not protected by those that should have and i see a little girl i barely recognise as me, that i cant recognise as me. I found myself ashamed of my past not wanting if knowing how to talk about it. i know i have to deal with these feelings sooner or later but one thing is certain, i wish i had been more prepared. there is so much out there on how wonderful reunions can be, and i am sure thats true, but what happens when the truth is maybe something that should have stayed buried. How do you pick up the peices from that?
for anyone out there struggling with these issues. the telling your adoptive family (hard), the not knowing how when or why. I want to pass this message on.
you know when the right time is. And the risk i think should be taken else you could miss out on a wonderful blessing. however, be prepared to know that its not all roses and be prepared for the emotions that come with that. i thought i was prepared for anything i guess i was wrong i didnt get my happy ending and i have to live with that truth. A truth i didnt want.
i only take solace from the fact i believe it happened for a reason to unite parants without children, to children in desperate need of loving parants. for that im thankful every day.
I am interested to know if anyone else has had these issues, there is little others i can talk to without being called ungreatful.
thanks
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Suzie, I don't have any real advice, but I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going thru this. Do you have a counselor to talk to? Any adoptee support groups in your area?
Reunions are tough tough stuff, imo (my dh is dealing with this now), but I imagine even tougher in your situation. There are so many wonderful adoptees on this forum, and I know they can help and lend an ear too. Hugs!
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Hi Suzy,While I have a different situation from you regarding what I discovered when I finally found my b-siblings, I share with you the fact that what I found was full of disappointment, anguish and confusion. Mental health issues among my b-siblings, dead b-parents, not to mention all the guilt, grief and flood of confusing emotions that I encountered afterwards. I was so ill-prepared for confronting all that I did, even 'tho I'd seen documentary films about reunion.Luckily, I recognised my emotional reactions as grief/bereavement and sought tons of professional help and support. Still, I was knocked flat for nearly three weeks where I couldn't even go to work (I'm normally a very energetic person).All I want to say is that I'm sorry you're going through this and that I can relate to how much of a struggle it is. I hope that at least knowing that you're not alone will help offer some comfort as you find your feet.
I had a similar situation in that my adoptive parents kept a lot of disturbing information from me until I was adament about searching. I totally feel for you and understand the shock, horror and sadness from learning this info...
I went from being given up by a loving mother who was young and wanted better for me, to a child who was removed by protective services for being severely neglected and diagnosed Failure to Thrive, then spending 6 months in foster care before being adopted by my parents. Ouch!
My biological mother doesn't talk to me, my biological father died before I met him (overdose or car accident, depends on which family member I ask), and I just found out about a month ago that I have a brother from my biological father, but haven't started looking for him yet.
Thanks.
No unfortunatly being in the most isolated city in the world (perth) there is little in the way of support here and i cant discuss this with my family.
I dont think they will ever understand or i could ever express how im feeling. half the time i dont know what to feel myself. i wish i had never taken this journey the truth i was looking for was not the truth i found and now i dont know anything. the truth my set you free but by god it hurts.
I appreciate the support i am so isolated here and half the time i think my heads going to explode :) somtimes i wish i could be normal and go through the "why me" stage.
im lucky to have great parants but i dont think i can trust them again and that hurts the most. im afraid to go looking for anymore answers as i dont think i could take it. Thank god for places like this where people dont think your totally crazy!
I was never supposed to be this hard.
suzie3309
Thanks. No unfortunately being in the most isolated city in the world (perth) there is little in the way of support here
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Yes i went through Jigsaw to get my files which were sent to them from England.
The lady I spoke too was very nice and gave me a great leaflet to go home with.
unfortunatly i wirk and study at night and their adoptee meetings are not convienient to get too...i may have another look into it. At least then i would not have to explain the situation again!
thanks x
Hi Ripples
thanks i found out when the next meeting is i may attend. im terrified of talking about my expirience but it will help to meet others. i dont think i could attend an open meeting i still have too much anger and am biased by my own issues.
adoptees are just fine by me though. ,maybe when im less angry :)
its funny nearly all the stories i have read is about young mothers giving up their children..there is little on here about abusive homes and taken away as a place of saftey.
maybe i should start a thread?
Thanks for all your help have you been to one of these meetings before..what can i expect?
I think there is a lack of those threads as many people adopt form overseas or through an agency where in most cases the bparents are willingily giving up their children. I am adopting thorugh social services and we know there is a good chance our child will have gone through similar situations and are unsure as how to answer those very questions you yourself went through. maybe one day after you have had time to heal you could pm me with some information as to what and how you would have liked to have been told. (only if you are ok with this)
I hope the meeting goes well for you and that you are able to find some closure on your past and current emotions.
sincerely
hopefuldad969
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Hi there hopeful dad!!!
Thanks for the response. you know it was kind if a difficult situation simply because i had been raised believing they just couldnt cope..a far cry from sustained physical abuse.
on one hand i can understand my mum and dad as how can you tell your child, whom you love and every instinct within your body wants to protect, something so difficult. However, i asked them a direct question which should have been answered when i asked it not brushed under the carpet.
i suppose there is no easy way to find out the truth. you asked me how I would have liked to have been told and the answer to that is questions answered honestly.
before recieving social service files an adoptee has to go through councelling first. these people are trained to give you the details in a way that is best so details maybe is best left to the professional. however, when asked i think if my parants had said simply there was abuse involved i would have been better prepared. they didnt have the information to give me in detail and to be honest i dont think they could have. it hurts to much on all sides of the spectrum. its about support.
if i had been told abuse and taken away for protection i would have got the picture. my parants unfortunatly due to their own pain did not really want to deal with any of the concequences to the truth and therefore i felt more alone than i have ever felt with a huge burden of knowledge.
I think when the time comes for your future little one, you MUST answer questions honestly. you dont need to get specific unless a specific question is asked. also read up on everything you can on searching and history of abuse not only from other adoptees but also general info from adoptive parants who have been through it. we ALL need support. the problem with hiding the truth, although its often for all the right reasons, it breeds shame.
i was horrified and deeply traumatised by my files and had no one to turn too. I felt betrayed and ashamed of the past. guilty for asking the questions in the first place and totally isolated. I also think talking through issues is good. make sure your child knows when they are growing up your approachable and its ok to look for answers. there is little point saying that and then turning away when it matters the most.
whereas im learning through reading others stories why my parants did not come clean with the truth it still hurts as they were the people i needed support from the most. Instead im alone, struggling to deal with ir.
there is so much reasearch now, so much help out there..you need to be prepared and call on those resources. the fact you asked this question tells me your a million miles closer to the light than my parants.
as for the concequences of the truth of abuse, when i found out and read the details i felt sick. i was numb for a long time i went through anger and saddness... im still trying to figure it out. thats when adoption workers if you find the right one can help. outside resources do not understand the intracacies.
the other issue is what if you dont tell your child when you feel they are old enough and one day they have this image that i can go find these people. the illusion would be shattered. stay away from anything that suger coats things just be gentle but honest and above all supportive. no matter what the truth or the past with the support of those you love nothing is as big or as impossible to get through. i just wanted my mum to sit down and tell me with compassion and gentleness and she couldnt do it.
good luck!!! Any other questions let me know.
thanks for the advice, My wife went through sexual abuse as a child, my dilema was how muhc should the y be told, i couldnt imagine lying to them about that for the very reason of what you went through. I do like the idea of when thyey old enough to handle just letting them know there was abuse without all the details. It's great to know there is such a good resource easily accessible,. as my cousins are still younger(oldest 18) and is still at the whole im 18 invincible and i dont care stage of life. so cant really ask them lol. plus she never went through that situation.
I was always worried about telling them that much as we told not to but i do feel they have the right and need to know about their past. am really glad to have advice form someone who went through being lied to though as it provides perspective i coudlnt even begin to imagine. Thanks again:)
At the age of 10, I met my mothers father for the 1st time. During a argument they were having I found out that my 'father' wasn't my biological father and that I was adopted by him. At the age of 12, my mother and adopted father divorced. From the minute I found out I had a 'daddy' out there somewhere, I prayed daily that one day, if only for 15 minutes, I would be able to meet him and look him in his eyes. And of course, I imagined what kind of man he was, I wondered how he could ever walk away from me and I cried many tears. At the age of 16, I began looking for him. I had found out his name, and that he had a sister and set of twin brothers, as well as their names. I was told last known location. Atlanta Georgia and his name is so common, there is probably 5000 others with the same name. I graduated high school and thought of him. I graduated basic training and thought of him, I got married and thought of him, and I had 3 sons and thought of him. I never stopped thinking about him. I heard terrible stories from my mother and was told his parental rights were taken from him. I had no idea what I looked like as a child until the age of 5 because she said that he burned all of my baby pictures. I had NO memories of him..but I always had a deep deep NEED to find him. As I grew older and continued the daily prayers to find him, I added to find forgiveness for my mother. I am not anything like her and I saw / heard things that I could never imagine saying / doing. So in my mind I believed I had to be more like my father. I knew my mother had given up one child for adoption and I knew she left my older sister in Cuba the first 7 years of her life with her fathers parents, and I knew I couldn't do those things. So, I begin to believe that she was the reason my father was not in my life. If I was like him, then he could never just walk away. I have a brother 14 months younger than I am and we shared this stranger as our father. Well, the 21st of this month makes 3 years ago that I got the call. Our father found us .. on the internet and sent my brother a letter. My brother called me after talking to him and we both cried for a hour. And then I called him. For the next 2 weeks, we spent 10 hours a day on phone calls, we sent pictures back and forth by email and we anticipated our first meeting 2 weeks after our first talk. My father showed up with all my aunts & uncles, more than we were told about and our 92 year old Grandmother, our stepmom and our 2 1/2 siblings. Along with our new family...he brought pieces of our past that he kept in a shoe box for 42 years. FORTY TWO years he looked for us and for those 42 years he carried that box with ALL of our baby pictures as well as legal documents, private investigators reports and cancelled checks to the baby sitter he 'rented' us out too while he worked. And he gave us the truth. But above everything.. he gave us 'us'. We became whole. Our mother left us with him shortly after my brother was born. Dad was a single dad for a little more than a year and then he remarried. He is still married to her today. We called her momma and they planned to raise us. Shortly after momma (stepmom) got pregnant with 'their' first son, my mother showed up for a weekend visit.. and she left with us. Dad never saw us again. So, even though things could not be better...he is much more than I EVER imagined and I am SO blessed to find this loving wonderful family, their are still so many emotions I deal with. My grandmother is 95 now and I see her 2-4 times a month. (My new family is all within 3 hours from me) I talk to my dad daily, still email daily and we see each other EVERY chance we get. Even if we just met 1/2 way to have lunch...we get together 2-3-4-5 times a month. We have 42 years to make up for and we aren't wasting a minute God gives us. That NEED to find him is because I was a daddys' girl and I'm proud to say at 49 years old, I am again a daddys' girl. His firstborn and only daughter. However, I am still praying to find complete forgiveness for my mother. Healing is happening, but not only am I dealing with the fact that my childhood was stolen from me..my birthname was taken from me and my father was pulled from me...but all the lies have broken my heart. I'm sure my mother had 'her' reasons and I'm sure I"ll probably never know them much less understand them. And I know I don't want to bury my mother with ill feelings because she is my mother and I do love her. My dad and brother share a birthday, which she never told us. She knew my need, she knew and she choose to keep us away from a man that loved us dearly and never lost us in his heart or mind. IF only she had been honest...or just kept the answers to a bare minimum.. but to try to lead us to believe this man was something he is NOT..that pain will take longer to heal. So, I am a very firm believer that honesty is the only way, especially when it truly matters to someone you love.
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