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Hello all! I'm brand new to the boards and am looking for some support/reassurance as we go through this crazy process. My awesome husband is in the middle of trying to adopt my 8yo special needs son. We've been living together as a family unit for the last 6 years and have been married for the last 3. My hubby and I now have two more children together and we all want this adoption to go through to make our family a little more "complete."
Bio dad has had absolutely no contact with our son since May of 2004. We were never married (we did not live together during the pregnancy or at the time of the birth but we DID live together for less than a year between my son's 1st and 2nd bday) but he did sign an acknowledgment of paternity at birth. He's never ever paid a dime on the court ordered child support that was started a couple months after our son was born. He was abusive and addicted to alchohol and drugs when I left him before our son turned two. We recently found out that he is in prison for 7 years on felony domestic violence charges. :eek: YIKES!
Anyway, we petitioned for the adoption in July and he was served in prison (he is in CA, we now live in NM). He wrote a letter to our lawyer contesting the petition. We then made the move to go to trial to try and have his rights revoked by a judge. He is, of course, making this as difficult as possible and swearing up and down he is a changed man who wants nothing more than to have a relationship with our son once his sentence is served (he will not be released until the summer of 2013). We've already met with the Guardian Ad Litem who has spoken with my ex via phone conference and has already stated that he will be making the suggestion to the court to have bio-dad's rights revoked and the adoption granted. We have a court date on Nov 17th. :banana:
Sooooo that is the short (sort of hehehe) version of our story. I am hoping to hear from someone who has had experience with having the bio parents rights revoked by a judge. I am so nervous about the outcome of this trial. How heavily is the GAL's suggestion weighed in court? My ex will be "present" at the trial via phone and I am nervous just to hear his voice after all of these years. We have invested all of our savings and THEN SOME into this trial and are at the point where our son's special therapies are on the chopping block just so we can afford to finish this trial (the icing on the cake was when we found out that WE had to pay for my EX'S LAWYER FEES!! :hissy: ). It is scary for us to think that in the end we will have gone through all the stress, spent all the money and gotten ALL of our hopes up just to have it denied. Anyone have any advice or support for us?
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With the amount of time that is passed, and the GAL's recommendation, you should be fine. We were at 5 yrs of no contact just like you when we completed my stepparent adoption of my husband's son (mine too now :))
When his biological mom was served, she also made great protestations to the mediator/investigator (I would assume like the GAL in your case), wrote a letter to the judge and asked to appear by phone. But when all was said and done, the mediator said the five years of no contact with her child before that spoke more truth than what she was saying after being served the papers, determined the child had already been abandoned, and recommended that her rights be terminated for me to adopt him, and that's what the ruling was. It was a great relief to me, and to all of us, when that was finally completed and our everyday reality was recognized legally.
Just a note to add, because it took me a while to learn this myself, the adoption does not erase his biological dad, it just terminates his legal parental rights. He remains as much a reality as he ever was, and you should prepare for the possibility of contact between them some day, whenever that may be. For us it was when my son was 18 and he felt that he had a duty to let her know that he was happy and healthy and was curious to meet her and her family- even though until then he had been adamant about that not happening. That was over 2 yrs ago, and even though contact has been sporadic and the relationship is not a close one (particular circumstances in our case), they remain in friendly contact, and I expect always will. It's not an easy thing, but it's our reality, as it is yours, and so we have to choose to live with it graciously and peacefully.
The legal bills were worth the security of knowing that no matter what happened, I could protect him and have full parental rights as he grew. It was my job to prepare him for what might come at him as an adult, including a reunion and possible relationship with an absent biological parent if that's what he chose, and it was.
Best of luck to you, say your prayers, and do your best to stay calm. If the truth is on your side and you have acted ethically, you have nothing to fear.
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Thank you so much for the input. It's relieving to hear that these things DO work out and that the GAL's suggestions to the court are weighed heavily in court. We are just under two weeks away from our court date and i am soooooo nervous but starting to feel pretty confident. Trying to find that balance between being confident and not getting my hopes up to high.
I DO know and fully realize that terminating his rights does not mean that my ex will be erased from the picture. My son is definitly old enough to KNOW that he was adopted and to understand that he has another "dad" out there somewhere. So far he has never even asked questions about him (and I am not sure if this is due to his disability or because he doesn't care yet) but I know that day will come. My husband and I have discussed this many times and neither one of us have any problem with helping our son locate and meet with his birth father when the day comes that he asks to. Of course our only stipulation is that he be old enough to ask for it himself and that my ex is in a safe place and state of mind for the meeting. I can only imagine how difficult this will be for my husband and I emotionally but this is my son's RIGHT and I expect it to come some day.
Sounds like you are in a good place and are handling everything ethically and honestly. I think you'll be fine, but definitely feel free to check in whenever you need a morale boost. And let us know how things go!
I was SO nervous those days before and the day of the hearing- just not knowing if she would come, or what she would say if she did, how our son would be affected, etc. But all my worry was for naught and it all worked out fine. I think that will be the case for you too.
So our big court date was yesterday and we were a jumble of nerves and excitement. Bio dad waited for the last possible moment to request a lawyer (last Thursday) and the judge told him that he had no right to one. My lawyer was pretty thrown off because she was sure that the law said he did but the judge was insistent. BD also requested to be present from prison via phone so he was and I knew he would have the chance to cross examine me which I knew would be weird after not hearing his voice or speaking to him for over 6 years.
BUT when we got to court as soon as the judge entered the room we knew this was not happening. At least not right now. She seemed shocked to realize she was there for a private termination of parental rights and that BD had contested it. She said right away "this is going to be difficult, just because he is in prison does not mean you can terminate his parental rights." Well DUH! We know that! Our lawyer explained that we were moving to terminate his rights on the grounds of abandonment. Then of course he started speaking out and being himself, insisting that we STOLE DS from him and have been running from state to state to keep him from finding him. He tried to insist that the case be moved to a CA court because that is where he is incarcerated and where DS was born and where I "stole" DS from him. *insert gagging smilie here and lots of rolling of eyes*
Anyway, long story short after a lot of confusion the judge finally figured out that the case does indeed stay here and that this court has jurisdiction over the case. She said they will assign BD a lawyer but WE have to pay for it. Then she said that he needs to be present for trial and since he is incarcerated and our state and his state will not pay for his travels that WE would be responsible for paying for him and a gaurd to come to us. :hissy: I just don't understand why he has to be here, why can't a lawyer represent him and he can be present via phone?! I am so frustrated, we knew this was going to be expensive but not in this bad. We have already used up every last bit of savings we have and monies that should be going towards our special needs DS's (the child being adopted) therapies to cover this. It frustrates me that the judge did not get her facts straight before the trial and now we have no idea when we will be back at court. THere is no way we get in before the end of the year, we were praying to have this over with for XMas but no way now. PLUS the GAL on our case is leaving the state in Jan and will not return until APRIL so if court cannot be scheduled before then then we have to wait until the spring!! :( The good news is that this judge is leaving at the end of the year so we will be assigned a new one. BUT at the same time we have no idea who we will get and supposedly the judge we saw yesterday was supposed to be very kind and compassionate which she did not show to us. :grr:
It's just another setback, I know. And at least it was not denied and we still stand in the same place before just a whole lot poorer but it is heartbreaking non-the-less. We all had in our minds that we would have our answer on the 17th, we've been couting down to this day as a family for months and now it's gone and we are still living in limbo. DS is upset, he is having a hard time with all the anxiety that comes with not knowing. DH is just beside himself with frustration and money stress. And I am just heartbroken. It was so hard to sit there and listen to the things that BD was saying about us and hearing him just outright LIE like he was and not be able to say a thing to defend ourselves. :( :( :(
Just so frustrated. And not sure if we made the right move to start this in the first place.
Sorry to hear that things did not go as you had planned. My husband and I are in a similar situation to yours, except the fact that the bd is not incarcerated. My son is 5 years old now, and has never had any contact with his bd since birth. Bd started paperwork when he was 9 months old, stating that he wanted to be a parent, but never followed through with them and let that all go. When he was served with his paperwork that he would loose all of his legal rights, he contested saying he didn't know that the child was his. While it's not funny, I can't help but laugh. Our court date is December 14th and I hope and pray that it goes well. Only time will tell in any case like this, so I will be praying for you and your family and ask that you pray for me and mine.
I was an adopted child. I was raised knowing my birthmother all too well, and I'm thankful everyday that my parents chose to adopt me. Ive always felt special, because while they have two other children, I was the one they hand picked! Don't feel bad when he grows up and wants to see bd, we all want to know where we came from, but if he is like I was he will be VERY thankful for every sacrifice that you made for him. Just remind him everyday that you love him with all of your heart and he was your chosen child.
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