Pre-adoption acting out?

We are definitely standing by him... he has requested to talk to his case workers to be removed, so I made the call to the case workers and the first words out of my mouth was that he is our son and we adamantly do not want him removed. Even during the height of the threats and wall punching, we are very consistent with the "I love you's" and that we stand by him through anything, even this. Removal is a non-consideration as far as we're concerned. Not adopting him is also not on the table as an option... he is our son, for good and bad times, forever. He knows we feel that way. He's afraid that we're going to change after the adoption. He's afraid of rejection. He's afraid to trust. He's afraid of that kind of finality and long term commitment. I can completely understand all of that. My goal as a parent right now is to help him through this time in a way that prevents him from hurting himself or others and keeps him from falling behind in school. We want a permanent family with him in it, and I think he does too... he's just very afraid of all that goes along with that.

i agree...and want to take it a step further....in addition to this, i think my dd feels like she KNOWS she will be rejected, so she wanted to do the rejecting first to be in control, and i also feel like she feels deserving of being rejected, she was used to being rejected. even now, years after the adoption, she will find a way to manipulate situations so that she can feel rejected. i think rejection is something she understands, being a victim is something she gets and knows how to do. what she does not get- are people who don't give up on you even when you are acting like a jerk. i agree that some things may settle down after the adotpion, but i have to say, for us it didn't stop. she isn't just a regular teenager doing regular teenager stuff. everything is a bit escalated because on top of all the regular teenage angst, she is still very broken from all of her placements and life circumstances as well. she knows that she can bug the heck out of me, and she continues to do so on purpose constantly- i think partly to test my strength and devotion, partly to prove to herself she is unlovable, partly to prove to me that i can not control her (like she doesn't HAVE to let me love her, she can choose to push me away), and partly to stay where she feels confortable- isolated with walls all around her. obviously, at 16, if he wants to move, he will be moved. but i think it is important to tell him what you said, that regardless of what has happend, it is not a consideration for YOU.

hi this is from someone like you in the same exact situation im not yet adopted but my actions are the same as yours in many ways we need to talk we have the same fears and maybe we can help each othere out from someone like you. (this is from my sixteen year old son - I read him an excerpt of the original post)

Hunterdon's Son.... thank you so much for this post. My husband will be sharing it with Tyson when he's home from school today. I know he needs a friend that can understand his pain and fear. Maybe you two can help each other. We love our son very much and just want to see him happy.

Peregrinerose, my son was delighted to get your reply. Thanks for sending it. I hope we can get the boys "talking". For mine, just knowing there was someone else feeling the same feelings and acting out in similar ways was comforting to him.Chloroxsis, a brilliant suggestion. My son and I wrote and signed our own adoption agreement tonight. Got me a genuine grin and big hug. Thanks!Thanks to all. This is a tough period and any suggestions to get through it are welcome.

Our son also began acting out more within a month of the adoption. He was terrified because the 'chaos' of foster care was his norm. Family, being loved forever, having to open your heart to parents who love you, AND being stuck with them for life :D , now THAT is terrifying to them. After the adoption was final, we had a couple of good days, then it all settled in, and we went through a really difficult time. It actually got worse before it got better. But, it did get better, mostly. He goes longer periods where he wants to be family, and shorter periods where he is terrified of loving and being loved. Right now is, frankly, hell. The holiday season is hard on him, and he does his best to make it hard on everyone. All his previous behaviors that we haven't seen in a while, are back, with a vengeance. We are Christians, but downplay the season as much as possible, which is easy for us. After all, Christmas is just the day selected to celebrate Jesus' birth. It doesn't mean alot to us. :D Our boy likes the tree up and lights outside, so we've done that. He likes to drive around and look at others lights, so we've done that too. We've also done a bit of baking, which if he had his way, we would do daily (can anyone say sweet tooth?) I will just be glad for the holidays to be over with, and go back dealing with the 'regular' stuff. So many painful memories are wrapped up in this season (for him . . . and for me, because I came from abuse as well) and I hope your homes will settle down too, very soon. Hugs to all of you struggling with your children during this time.

Thank you so much for the input! T is on a low simmer now, his anger and fear is just below the surface, but he's been controlling it pretty well. We're trying to get family based mental health services in our home for him... all the paperwork is filled out, just waiting for the ball to get rolling on getting the actual services. Hopefully that will help.... and for a change, he wants these services too. He's come a long way in the past 6 months with his attitude toward therapy. Like you and your son, my abusive past also makes holidays hard.... it probably is for anyone that didn't have a Beaver Cleaver type household. We've been trying to forge new traditions and make this a fun season. We're having a Christmas dessert-off... my husband and T vs. me (and my unbeatable chocolate kahlua pecan pie) to see who can make a better dessert. He got to pick Christmas dinner. We've tried to get him excited about having lots of presents just for him, and both of us have let him in on what my husband and I are getting for each other, to help make him a part of things. We're going to a Steelers game on the 27th (he hates the Steelers, but looking forward to going to an NFL game anyway) and he's recording his own music in a studio on the 30th. We've been putting a lot of focus on those things, and haven't even brought up adoption. Thanks to a comment on this thread, T and I sat down and wrote a pre-adoption contract, which all of us signed in triplicate. It addressed everything that concerned him about being adopted, with a healthy dose of humor thrown in as well. Something that all three of us use to cope. My husband and I had our first all out fight in probably 3 years including screaming and throwing things (in the garage, so T knew we were fighting, but didn't get to hear the gory details). In an odd way I think it reassured him... knowing we were full out battling for 2 hours, but when we came back in the house, we still stood by each other, loved each other, and worked through the issue. That we are still together even when things are ugly or we disagree. Thank you for the heads up that things may get worse before they get better. We're in this for the long haul, but it's good to know what kind of roadblocks may show up so we can get a good support network for us all.

actually, the adoption made my older son more calmer. He had been through the foster care system and has been rejected and disrupted by a few families. I dont blame them, he is a handful. lol. But the adoption and that piece of paper, made a big difference.

Hold on!!! the 29th is so close. I think he is just puching you to see if you are really going to go through with this. He is so used to being taken away, not anyone trying to keep him. I hope things de-escalate VERY soon. And I hope the therapists & cw's get back to you soon, I don't know where you are located, but maybe a day trip somewhere. We live in KY so we touch so any states. A day trip may take his mind off of it some... Dave and Buster's or a museum of something he is into. Get him out of the house where he can't go stir crazy!!! Hoping it all works out!!!!

Is the finalization date still set for the 29th??

Yep, court is the 29th at 10:45am.

Just popped in here as a prospective adoptive parent from the foster system, so older kids as well. I'm wondering how it all worked out...calmer, worse, same? Funny, one thing I had thought of was some type of "contract" with our placement (s) to prove we meant it when we took them in and really did mean to adopt them and bring them into our family forever. I'm glad to hear that went over well for those that tried. As much as I know this will be difficult, I still hope it will be easier than I think it will be, lol. I just wish we had family close by to help us!

Overall he's calmer, by a long shot. One teacher emailed to let me know how much more focused he was in class and she was happy to see so much anxiety be gone. He still explodes every 4-6 weeks, but the constant simmering anxiety/anger seems to be gone. We have family based mental health services now, and the timing worked out great, the therapist got to see an explosion last night. I can't say enough good things about the FBMHS... I would have contacted them a long time ago if I knew such a thing existed. They are practical, helpful, and work with all members of the family. Findingbalance... we have no family either... not local, not long distance, nothing. We're on our own, but given that we all love each other and are working together to make this work out, we'll all be fine :-)

That's great (well, not the explosions, but the calmer enough for the teacher to notice). OMG, teachers EMAILING. I am soooo out of the school loop, lol. My poor mom would never have been able to handle that, she JUST got online and can't figure out how to create a new email so we've just been replying back and forth on the same one since she had my stepdad send the first one. LOL. I'm not super close to my mom, but she's the only family I have that I still speak to (long story, their choice, basically greed and inheritance on their part). I don't know how well she'd do with all this, but not having her or other family moves outside of my experiance and makes me think of a lot of "what ifs". When I was pre-stay at home alone legally age, I always stayed with my grandparents on holidays and over the summer. Now without that "net" I just wonder what we'll do.

Yeah, we wondered what we'd do without the family net too. Turns out that it isn't blood that makes family, it's love... and we do have a good net of support from other people, friends, fellow skydivers, a neighbor, etc. We live in rural PA, so the school is small. I have mixed feelings about that. It's not a school with high expectations of the students, however there is a lot of good communication between parents and teachers when needed. I think overall it's a good school district for him.