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hey guys and girls, i'm having a difficult time even logging in here this week. just hurts too much. my b-uncle died on monday from brain cancer. he was only 51 with 2 young kids and a wife. honestly he was the only relative i did not meet at my reunion so i haven't seen him since I was 2. i'm just feeling so sad and horrible about this. for my b-dad, my b-grandmother, all of my b-aunts and b-uncles, cousins, etc. but in all honestly i feel sorry for myself and that is really making me feel like a jerk. i feel left out, rejected again...no one even bothered to tell me about my uncle's death. i found out about it on facebook on another uncle's status update. and i can understand that they are busy and so distraught, so i can definitely rationalize it in my head that they didn't tell me because there wasn't time. my b-dad was very close to his brother so i know he must be a wreck. so i sent him a card with a nice note....backstory....he stopped contacting me 2.5 years ago after my son was born (he's an addict and pretty unstable). i sent a spiritual bouquet to my grandmother (who i am in contact with via email and letters) and i emailed the aunts and uncles who keep in touch with me. the wake is tonight and the burial is tomorrow. i live 3000 miles away from them so i obviously cannot make it to these services....but would i even be welcomed? i wanted to send flowers to the funeral home but thought it over and decided not to because i don't want to seem overbearing. that's where my grief comes in...how can i be overbearing....this is my UNCLE! he died of brain cancer in just a few months...its so tragic and i HATE that this is just another person in my family who has died from cancer. i hate that i never new this man who everyone says was amazing and loving and a family man...why didn't he want to meet me when we had our reunion? and on top of all this i cannot talk about this with anyone because people are like "well, you didn't even know him, right?" and as some of you know my b-family is a major taboo subject in my family. i hate being sad at Christmas time...i LOVE CHRISTMAS! on top of that i'm pregnant and hormonal and missing all of my family. anyway, i'm so sorry for this crazy rant. i just really needed a space to get it off my chest and be happy that i have my gorgeous son, husband and baby to be all here with me to celebrate Christmas this year. i really do wish you all a wonderful and happy holiday! thank goodness for people who can understand.
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Healingfeeling, I feel so bad for you...I wish I could say something to make you less sad. Could you plant (or promise to plant in the spring) a Holly Tree - or another tree you love? Something to honor your Uncle? I'm a gardener at heart that that is what helps me heal with I lose someone. All trees have meanings (search the folklore) and perhaps you could find one that reminds you of him? Warm regards,Dickons
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Dickons, that's a great idea! I understand that you don't have a place for it, but is there somewhere meaningful to you that would? When my Dad died, a group of his friends contacted the country club they all played golf at, and got permission to plant a tree in my Dad's memory on his favorite hole. There's a nice little plaque to go with it, and the people who loved him have a nice rememberance when they play there. It wouldn't have to be a tree, a special plant at your favorite park etc...Sorry you're grieving and feeling so alone.
thanks tx, that was really sweet that you did that for your dad. i'm feeling a little better, but i'm starting to feel angry with my parents. i feel like i should be able to share this news with them. but it will "upset the apple cart" and they probably wouldn't understand why i'd even care. i've spoken to my parents on the phone the past few days and listened to them talk about their Christmas plans, etc and I just feel annoyed and eager to get off the phone with them. the other thing that's bothering me is that my parents might actually know that my uncle died and their just not saying anything to me. they live 5 minutes away from eachother and my adad works in the funeral business so he does read the obituary pages. i am REALLY glad that i live where i live and i get to have a beautiful day with my husband and son. i feel blessed for my health and that we're able to provide a bunch of presents for our son, not to mention a couple of big feasts! may these next couple of days be merry for the rest of you! again i will say THANK GOODNESS FOR THESE BOARDS!
Dear healingfeeling,You have much to grieve - both the sudden loss of your b-uncle and all that he means to you, as well as being shut out and not included by the rest of the family regarding his funeral/wake. And on top of this, it appears that no one within your family or circle of friends understands where you're coming from and just treat it all as taboo. And just when you need support the most, you get no support at best and at worst, rejection in your calls for comfort. Having to shut one's tears up hurts. Have a look at the Grieving the Death of a Birth Famiy forum. There are many (including me) who relate to your frustration at others' views that you have no right to grieve his loss and/or talk about how much he and your b-family means to you. I'd previously posted a thread called 'disenfranchised grief' that talks more about this frustrating lack of support. What gets me is that when someone like Princess Diana of Wales dies suddenly and the whole friggin' world respects people's expressions of sadness as legit. Do the people who grieve get told (scolded?), "you didn't personally know Princess Diana so why are you so sad?" Likewise, when women suffer miscarriages - do they get met with the same insensitive comments? Yet when we adoptees feel sad over the deaths of our b-families we get met with such comments as the one you'd posted, i.e. "well, you didn't even know him, right?" Yes, he is your UNCLE and you have feelings for him that need to be recognized and empathized with just as anyone else in the family. Do whatever you need to do to honor your feelings and your uncle. There are many people here, including me, in these forums who support you during this tough time of deep and profound loss. Kind regards,Ripples
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You have every right to your feelings. I can understand how you feel. Its like they assume you don't have feelings for them because you didn't know them or if you did not long enough to become "attached".
I can relate a little. I had lost contact with my adopted family but I always thought of my adopted sister (she was like a mother to me). I found them last year and found out she had died from breast cancer. I was devastated and let them know how sorry I was..they didn't return my emails or anything. I even sent them an email on the anniversary of her death and nothing in return. I know they are suffering but I miss her too..I want to connect to them because they are a part of her.
So, I understand your grief.
ripples and gigglessa, thank you so much for validating my loss and pain. christmas day and the day after i was so busy with my young son that i did not feel sad (thanks God!). i am however today, feeling a little sad again, but its all in perspective. i am sad because my b-family members have all been exchanging cards and hearts and messages via facebook and of course none of them has contacted me STILL!!!!!! i did get reply emails from 2 aunts, they thanked me for my thoughts. that is all i can expect, its just the reality of being excluded AGAIN, rejected from the family circle...maybe they are not doing it intentionally, its just that i'm a complete afterthought..like "oh yeah, i have a neice in california, but we haven't seen her in many years". oh well.....we'll see if my b-dad ever responds to the card i sent or if my b-grandma writes me back. gigglessa, i'm so sorry for the loss of your sister. you absolutely have the right to grieve....anyone that tells you otherwise is oblivious. ripples, yes, i've seen that thread about disenfranchised grief. i will look back on it again in a few days when i'm not so caught up in my own head. i will also read through the forum about losing a b-family member. relating to others experiences is just about the only thing that helps in the "small" community of the adopted person.