Expectaions vs reality

I expected it to be hard and awkward and to feel unnatural. I expected really really difficult behaviors and I expected fear, from all of us.I was surprised at how quickly our son felt like mine, how easily he fit in to our family, how amazingly close he and my other son are, how very very much he needed a mom.

i expected it to be hard....but i also expected to get better a lot quicker than it did. i did not expect that almost 7 years later we would still be dealing with some of the same behaviors. the reality is it is a lot more difficult than they tell you it will be in training.

I was an idiot and extremely naive. I expected my child to be happy about being adopted and everything to fall right into place. And honestly, my first child was easy, except for school-he tormented the teachers. My next set, I expected behavior problems but I did not expect fire setting or waking up at 3 am to the sounds of furniture being tip over and kids screaming at each other. I didn't have enough prior knowlege of loss and it's effects on development. Granted this was 13 years ago and it seems from talking to others that pre adoptive education has improved. I didn't expect lying and stealing with no remorse. I expected my children to learn from their mistakes. I didn't understand the effects early neglect had on cause and effect thinking. Some things were better then I expected and some were worse. I think that happens in all parenting.

lucyjoy - "I expected my children to learn from their mistakes. I didn't understand the effects early neglect had on cause and effect thinking."Wow, yeah. What she said!I knew there would be holes in his education but I didn't expect, at 16, he would never have been to a birthday party, shopped for clothes, had a sleepover, played on a sports team or turned on a stove. And I didn't expect I'd care about him so much, so soon. And I too, didn't expect him to need a Mom so desperately.

My husband and I adopted a 13-year old boy from Ukraine. He is now 15. He is a very considerate and caring young man today. We have a bio daughter who is 9 yrs. old and they both get along very well. He is a very calm and patient boy. He studied music in Ukraine and he plays the clarinet in his high school band. The first year was challenging for all of us in terms of learning and understanding each other as a family. We had to remind ourselves that he never experienced nor understood the concept of family and most important love. We also realized that we needed to put ourselves in his shoes in order to have a better appreciation of his feelings and thoughts. He began to open up the second year. FOr a boy who was reluctant to give hugs and show his love the first year, he now gives me a hug every time he sees me which makes me feel great. We know that he will grow up to be a fine young man and will have a great future.

I expected work and challenges, but didn't realize how much they would affect me emotionally AND physically. So so tired that first year! lol!I expected to bond with all my children similarly and did not. I thought my youngest child at 2 would be the hardest and most challenging because he was so sad & withdrawn. In reality, he & I bonded much quicker and more "solidly" than I did with my oldest child at age 5. I thought the 5 year old and I would bond quickly because he was just so personable, smiley and while I knew he was insecure, I thought that would ease much quicker than it did. I didn't expect a cute 5 year old boy who truly just wanted to be loved and was so happy to have a mom would drive me nuts. The clinginess and insecurity drained so much out of me after awhile because it was so constant. It took me the better part of a year to really feel that intense mama bear love for him. Poor kid. I still feel guilty about that one sometimes.I expected to have challenges with my dd who was our tough nut to crack as her grief was manifested in anger and tantrums/rages. It was much much harder than I expected. I say that because it was unbelievable how a little 4 year old could figure out exactly what buttons to push and how it actually made her feel safer and better for that to happen. I expected things to crop up here and there once we initially resolved them. For us anyway, that has truly lessened to the point where I forget most of the time that we ever had things or when it does crop up, it really takes me a few minutes to realize that is what it is. lol!I expected to love my children and enjoy them, but didn't realize the intensity of all that once we truly bonded. It's a very amazing feeling.:)

I expected some mental health issues, but I had no idea just how deep they would be.I expected to spend lots of time in therapy, but I didn't realize that some children don't want to get better.I expected my daughterto be glad to be my daughter, and I never realized how she would blame me for past mother's mistakes.I expected my love to heal her, but instead my love hurts her.I expected to make new friends, but I never thought they would be all over the country.I expected rages, but I never could have imagined how she feared for her life during a rage.I expected to love her, but I never anticipated the deep life changing love that I feel for her.I expected to change her life and I did. And she changed mine.

For me: I expected mental retardation: I heard "don't to teacher to read, she can't learn it": She now is an avid reader of "Biscuit" books. I expected rage & tantrums: I heard "she purposly hurts others": Really she sometimes fears if she can't see me- I have abandoned her & it triggers a panic attack. I expected frustration: I didn't know how it would bring up in me old feelings about my parents discipline style. I expected my life to change: I got a new path, direction & meaning to life.

I expected acceptance; I learned that some people have hard cruel hearts and see blood before all else.I expected bad behaviors; I didn't see how hard and draining those could be on me.I expected to make new friends; I didn't expect lose so many as well or that the one I made would be online and across the country.I expected trauma and loss; I had no idea how that would change my own worldview.I expected innocence lost; I never imagined it would be mine.I expected to be a mom; I had no idea of everything that came with the job.I expected love; I just never imagined how deep and changing it would be.

5 yrs ago, we attempted to adopt 10 and 11 yr old boys. (there was never any TPR and then 2 1/2 yrs later, they sent them to live with their older sister) Never the less, the whole time we thought we were adopting and it was aweful. We went in to it 100% clueless! We had no preperation for it and NO support from the agency. The boys did not want to be adopted That was the biggest let down by far. They had ask us if they could move in with us and we stupidly assumed that meant they wanted us to be their parents. Basically, they just wanted a place to live where they could be together until they turned 18 We expected behaviors (the 10 yr old had just been released form a mental hospital) We did not expect them to refuse to form an attatchment or give us any credit for their success. So, when we decided to adopt again, we were much better prepared. It's funny though, things have gone much BETTER than we expected this time. One, they want to be a part of the family. They can't wait to change their name and they called us mom and dad just a few months into placement. And two, they are proud to call us their parents and show love and affection in return. I LOVE MY KIDS and I am sooo happy we didn't let our first experience stop us from trying again.

Thanks everyone! I just kept wondering what exactly that meant.