adopt worker has some reservations .......

The reality is that a certain percentage of older child adoptions fail. There are risk factors that social workers take into account because the percentage of adoption disruptions is higher #1) first time parents #2) children over the age of 2 #3) more than one adoption at once (sibling group) #4) difficult previous history of placements with the kids (multiple moves etc). In other words, there are probably a fair amount of red flags for her if the boys have a complicated file. I would be VERY careful in moving ahead. The boys are at a TOUGH age and there isnt alot of time for you to work on attachment with them before puberty, add to that, you have never parented before. Its tough -- far tougher than you can imagine -- and add to that a sibling group of 9 year olds? Its going to be a huge challenge.

What Jensboys says is true. However, there's also that gut feeling you get and if you really do your file research, visits, and continue to educate yourself on all the possibilities and STILL want to adopt the boys, then go for it. Just don't do it without a support team in place. The added puberty issue *is* big!The first 3 red flags don't bother me that much really. I ignored those myself.;)

From other folks here I think you have to be open to information from all resources AND be looking for "hidden" things in the file for yourself. I would listen openly to her "reservations" and insights; I would treat them as valid from the veiwpoint that she is trying to raise your awareness to real and/or potential issues that you need to have a plan to deal with. I would even ask "what specific issues/problems/behaviors do you think turned the other prospective families away" and "why aren't the current FP moving forward with adoption". More information is good. If the issues you uncover do not materialize after placement, no harm, no foul. But if they DO, you will be prepared. I'm not saying to let her make the decision for you, but just to be open to learning all you can. I doubt any placements disrupted because the parents were prepared for problems that never came up; but the do disrupt because either the workers DON'T share everything they know or think or the family doesn't take the information seriously. I have heard stories from both sides where the family says "they never told me" or "I wish I'd known" and the worker is going "I spent hours trying to get you to hear me". This is not a situation any of us want to be in. Good luck with your placement!!! Debra

We are just starting out and going to be foster to adoption so that we can get to know the kids when they come up for adoption. It is a hard thing to take on older kids I have been told, but i feel they are the ones that need someone to try and understand them. But I do agree with the rest you need to learn as much as you can about the boys so that you can help them the best you guys can. you are doing a great thing. I can't wait to finish my training so we can start. Good Luck.

thanks everyone for your thoughts... i will consider the value of the workers reservations and make sure that in moving ahead that we know all we can... "no stone left unturned". I will be as prepared as i can to have all the support systems in place. We want to feel 100% sure of our steps as we move forward. What we keep reading and we heard from the worker was that they need a very structured home and the commitment for the boys to realize that this is for forever, not just until the next foster placement. Once we decide we will commit to them, it will be totally... giving them all the love and tools they will need to grow into young men.

Hi all, This is my first postI only just discovered these forums. And I don't know where the original poster is now in the adoption process. But I wanted to say that even with reservations like these, it can work out. My husband and I finalized our adoption of a sibling pair on March 1. They are our first children, and we only had three respite placements before being matched with them. Theo is 14 and Coco is 11, and they've had two disrupted kinship adoptions. They were in foster care for four years, with about five placements. And their diagnoses include RAD, PTSD, ODD, GAD. We originally wanted only one child, on top of all that. If I had just seen their paperwork, I never would have gone forward. In fact, our social worker had called us after their adoption worker saw our homestudy and thought we might be a good match, and we said no thanks. But we went to an adoption eventחjust a week or two after we were approvedand saw them and fell in love, and the rest, really, is history. Between our approval and the finalization was less than nine months. The transition was only 10 days because they wanted to get the kids moved in before school started. In fact, they moved in on the first day of school: new town, new school, new house, new parentsׅ We do have difficulties. Some days we have lots of difficulties. We struggle especially with attaching with Cocowith Theo, so far, attachment has not been an issue. But we have so much fun, so much joy, so much love, and I am so happy that we have them. They were so ready to be adopted. So I guess what I'm saying is that you can't just go with what's on paper. You really do have to go with your intuition to a certain extent. You have to be honest about your expectations and what you can handle, and you have to have a strong support system, but you also have to be open to what you didn't know you wanted. I don't mean to be romantic and idealistic about it at allחlike I said, it has definitely been hard. But it has been worth it. Jennitope