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How do I handle this, and help our son handle this...He was born to a 15 year old foster child. She neglected him, he was removed. Several years later, his preadoptive placement (his bio aunt) gave him back to bio mom. She neglected him briefly and county had an emergency removal of him. She signed over parental rights voluntarily, they were officially severed in 2000. No word from her since.He knew he had bio sibs (1/2 sibs) and found a cousin on myspace. Couz passes T's cell to bio mom, who calls him on the cell, out of the blue, no warning, last night. She says things like 'your new little sister is so much like you were at that age'. They talk for an hour, mostly superficial chit-chat from what we can tell. She is very local to us. He already told her where we live, so now we have a safety issue to deal with too, as none of us know these people.Last night I ask him to put some very serious thought to what he expects from a relationship with her. I wasn't looking for answers, just asking him to formulate a game plan of his own. He got very angry with me and said that she is his mom, he wants a mother-son relationship with her. He didn't get what I was asking, he didn't understand that the fact she is his mom isn't up for debate, only that the relationship could take many forms.It's only a matter of time before he gets angry at us and calls her wanting to live with her. He blows up at us once every 4-6 weeks. Given her poor judgment with how she handled the call with him, her total lack of interest in talking with us, and the fact that 3 mins into the conversation, she exposed her 6 year old daughter to a nearly adult son not knowing what kind of person he truly is yet shows that her concept of boundaries and appropriateness is weak at best.My husband plans to call her later today to see what her intentions are and get a feel for her. We are not trying to keep him away from his sibs or her, but at the same time, 'mom' and 'dad' are very superficial terms to him, they have no real deep meaning. We're trying to teach him what a family can be through example. If someone else is actively trying to parent him, how can we be effective parents to him? How can we help him grow and mature and have a healthy relationship with bio mom? How can we help him not feel like the rope in a tug of war? I don't even know what other questions to ask. I'm afraid for him. He has so much potential and has been doing so well since the adoption was finalized. I'm afraid to see him deviate from that, as he tends to do, with emotional turmoil.
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Wow, way to throw a wrench in things huh? So soon in your relationship with him too. so sad that a biomom would put her son in a position to be finally adopted at SIXTEEN years old and then come in and try to disrupt it. She is obviously clueless.
That said, I think you are right to talk with her and let her know how she is affecting your new family. Let her know what you want for your son and how she can support that. I am guessing that you have a counselor involved. Is there anyone else in his life that he respects? Most of the time, teens will listen to other important people in their life before mom and dad.
Our 18 yr old FD went to live with her biomom for 2 months. She called us at 11:00 one night screaming and crying and begging us to come pick her up. We did. She had scratch marks all over her face and a banged up knee. It was very sad-but necessary for her to finally accept that her "mom" was really bad for her. She hasn't spoken to her since.
SO sorry you are going through this.
We met with bio mom with 2 therapists and 2 case workers in tow (no son with us, although he was aware of the meeting and supportive of it). What we learned was very sad. His bio mom is very child-like. That's a double edged sword. I truly believe she has a big heart, good intentions, and has been through a lot in her life. There's no malice at all coming from her, it's a vibe we just don't get. We don't need to fear for our safety or anything like that. On the flip side, her very naive nature makes it impossible for her to comprehend the consequenses of her own actions, both now and in the past. She's had 3 kids removed, terminated her rights on all of them, and is raising her youngest (seemingly well). She does not acknowledge two of the kids as 'her kids' and says our son is the 'biggest priority in her life'. She honestly does not feel she ever did anything to warrant him being removed from her.We asked that she not call him, and she agreed to that. We requested that any contact be initiated by our son, she agreed to that. We said that any phone calls must be made with either my husband or I present... to protect our son, but also protect her as she is a very vulnerable person. Both agreed to that. We also agreed that all the adults in the picture will touch base with therapists present every 6 weeks or so. I'm going to call her next week and see if she wants to go out to dinner with me, my treat. My feeling is that if I can earn her trust, and prove to her that I'm a good person too, she'll back off a little bit on putting T in the middle of this mess. T's been very withdrawn the last 2 weeks, definitely not himself by any means. He has not indicated wanting to call her yet either. We'll see how things go. We're really trying to do everything right.