I need help not feeling so angry..

I have to say that in terms of investing myself in members of my biological family, I would be more inclined to extend myself to my biological father - who, to the best of my knowledge, was never told that he fathered a child - as well as my biological uncle [who was a teenager when I was born] and potentially biological siblings. I'd be less inclined to invest my heart and soul into my biological mother, as she did choose to relinquish me and there is, whether I like it or not, a feeling of resentment towards her on my end. I am - and I have yet to determine whether or not this is a blessing or a curse - one of those people who invests myself in those around me that I deem worthy, and if and when they hurt me, I say NEVER AGAIN! but inevitably, I find the strength/courage/stupidity to give of myself again at some point. I wear my heart on my sleeve I suppose. I think that if I were in reunion I'd be more sad and disappointed following a failed reunion than angry, but I am obviously just making assumptions. I do feel anger towards my biological mother sometimes, and I've reached a point where I accept that anger and I know that it is okay to feel that way - it doesn't make me a bad person. I also recognize that it will probably never go away, although sometimes I feel less angry than at other times. I think that one way to move towards healing is to accept your anger and acknowledge that it is okay and sometimes it is a healthy emotion, but also to understand that holding on to anger can be extremely damaging. I use my ex-boyfriend as an example...I held on to so much anger towards him and one day I realized that I had to forgive him; not because he deserved it but because I could not carry around the weight of the emotion anymore; it was holding me back and preventing me from healing. So, I forgave him, and while I still have moments where I think about what went on between us and feel angry, overall I could not have healed had I held on to that anger. I think the "letting go" of certain emotions happens on its own.

Amanda, Your anger is not irrational. It is rightous anger. You have a very valid reason for being angry. I don't think you should feel bad about it. Scream, yell, and beat your fists on your pillow. And talk about it and talk some more until you are talked out. Getting anger out in healthy ways is good for the soul. Repressing anger is unhealthy and dangerous and causes depression. Sincerely, Saj

Exactly, which does render them incapable of changing in a way. There are thousands of ways you can look at this, but the bottom line is that we eventually have to accept them just as they are, good or bad. Losing, or better put, letting go of what cannot be the way we want is hard and hurts. It's like someone else said, it just happens oneday, when it happens...after you grieve for what you lost, so to speak. I had to be litterally, bluntly, and very emphatically, told that my BPs just were not capable of giving me what I needed from them. I'm a teeny, tiny bit hard headed. I get it from , uh, all my parents. That "not capable" thing was extremely hard to hear, understand, and accept. "Not capable" kept ringing in my head for a few weeks before finally sinking in. Even after finally being able to step back from them and take a good, long, look at them, how they have lived their lives, and their relationships with others, it was hard to comprehend it all. "Not capable"? How can they be "not capable"? They could change if they wanted. Right? Well, I don't believe my BPs want to be like they are. Change just doesn't come that easy. Add to that fear, and, well, if we are all honest, we all have things about us we know we need to change, but just can't quite bring ourselves to do it. Letting go of the idea, and hope, that my BPs could, if they wanted, be what I wanted them to be was a very painful fantacy to let go of. It's sad, but you know what? It's O.k. IMO, acceptance may be the goal, but you don't get there without going through the anger.

Thankyou guys for all of your thoughtful responses... I had no idea some of you guys felt the same way! I've been so ashamed of this ugliness in me... all of your words have helped me so much. Hey Ripples! I absolutely believe that it exists, but I also get really frustrated with myself when I am irrationally angry- I dont find it particularly noble, and I guess being angry about something like my adoption makes me feel immature. Possibly because most people tell me it doesnҒt/shouldnt matter. I'm embaressed that the unbiased facts about my placement, which should be comforting, actually mean nothing to me and don't make me feel any better. Absolutely- and itҒs this sort of counterintuitive feeling that is so hard to pinpoint. Very few people who are not directly a part of the adoption world seem to get it. I am angry at having been PLACED for adoption by my birthfamily, NOT angry about having been adopted by my family. There is a big difference, though it seems to evade many. Oh, intellectually I totally know that. Ive been told that by everyone, even my own birthparents! And yet somehow҅knowing it doesnt help any lol, nor does it convince me. My birthparents had a child shortly after who they raised, and said child has actually said to me ғ My mom and dad kept me because Im special. IҒm happy they KEPT me! That really resonated with me. I know shes a spoiled little brat, and I know she is doing it because she knows it will hurt meԅ. But on some level I cant help but feel inadequate & believe it. Im truly sorry. It really sucks- I know exactly how painful it can be. I know to my birth family, particularly extended, they know me and regard me merely as an entity- what my infant self meant to their family when I was given up for adoption. Just as they did not reject me as a ғperson when I was placed, they could not see me as a person when I reunited. Being denied my personhood and my inherent worth for the second time has been challenging. Yup, you said it. The most common reaction when people find out IԒm adopted is Well, you should just be thankful that you have a good family now who loves you.Ӕ I once read a quote that said adoption is the only loss for which the people who are affected by it are expected to be gratefulӔ. Ugh. The most infuriating thing Ive EVER been told about my adoption was something my birthmother told me, rather recently (within the past 4 months). She asked how my parents were doing, and I told her, expressed to her how happy I was with things (assuming thatҒs why she asked) and she said You know, I gave that to youӔ I dont remember what I said, but I was FURIOUS. A few weeks after I told my mom about it, and she was surprised that I got so angry. My mom said: ғWell, C might feel like we are the only thing she gave you. She probably feels bad about not being able to parent you, and wants to feel that she has given you something ,that she has not robbed you of everything. She probably said it more for herself than for you. I felt a little more compassion then, but I get angry just thinking about it. At what point in my life will I be able to stop being grateful to my birthparents? When can I rest on my own laurels, when can I be happy for the life my adoptive parents gave me? When can I thank THEM, and not have to preface it with : ԓWell thank you mom and dad for all you given me, thanks for making my childhood the best it could be. But really, you deserve only so much credit because without my birthparents, I never would have met you! Thanks Dpen J VERY TRUE. The influence my birth grandparents had on my 25 + year old birthparents astounds me. They also have been the most resistant/angry about my reunion. They thought the ԓproblem was solvedԅthey were pretty unhappy when I came back after over a decade. True- but I wonder- at what point do my birthparents have to stop taking responsibility for my feelings? I would feel too guilty dumping these unpleasant emotions on them I feel like its my burden to bare, and honestly our relationship might be damaged beyond repair if I shared my anger at a decision they probably feel badly about anyway. You think this is righteous anger? No ones ever said that to me before. You think that we, as adoptees, have a right to be angry? IŒve rarely heard that. I was going to make this a post on my blog....but I know there are some pretty angry people on other sides of the triad who read my blog, and who have actually told me that we adoptees "dont get it " and "how could we think it was about us." and how "birthparents are the ones who really suffer, as the loss was most directly theirs." So.. I posted it and then deleted it. I figured this was a better place to really have this discussion.

I appreciate the discussion, and the fact you are so willing to open yourself up. I learn a lot from you, and others on this board. What you said about being angry about being placed, not being angry about being adopted struck a chord. I logically know that I should have been placed, it doesn't mean I like it. My afamily is fantastic. I wouldn't trade them for the world, yet part of me wishes I wouldn't have been adopted. Strange how both can be true. I'm fairly new to reunion, and one that seems to be going well. Finding I had a full brother that was kept was as blow, although he seemed to pay for having very young parents. He tells me all the time I was the lucky one. It's hard to realize that as I've met our Mom as an adult who has gotten her life together, and not the teenager who had a bumpy ride for awhile. I'm glad to see I'm not the only well-adjusted, happy adoptee who has anger issues. ;)

[FONT=Calibri]Hi Amanda (and the rest of you),[/FONT][FONT=Calibri]I’m sneaking in to your territory, LOL, and this thread caught my eye. To all of you, while the anger is irrational on the intellectual level, it is very understandable on an emotional level. There’s a lot of grief to work through with adoption for the adoptee (we’ll leave the birth and adoptive families for another time). There’s the grief of being placed in the first place, perhaps the dreams of who the birthparents will turn out to be and then the reality. (I was once told that all of us have to grieve the ideal parents we need and want before we can accept the parents we have.) Anger is part of the grief process. Some people think we move through the stages of grief (denial, anger, depression, etc) on at a time and then we’re done with each stage. Unfortunately, in reality, most of us move back and forth between the stages. As a bmom in reunion, I find that the grief that comes with adoption is triggered at unexpected moments and emotions I thought I’d “worked through” come flooding back. It doesn’t surprise me that many of you experience anger at your birthmother and/or birthfather, even when you are happy in your adoptive family. As someone else mentioned, for your own peace and emotional health you need to find a way to forgive them and let the anger do. It’s not for their sake, it’s for your own. [/FONT][FONT=Calibri] [/FONT][FONT=Calibri]Amanda, my bson told me once that had we connected when he was 18 or even 25, our reunion would not have been as easy as it’s been. When I located him (through a.com) he was 32, newly married and with a new baby. For both of us it was a good time. For us, it’s been an enlarging of family: his mother is the woman who raised him; I am Kathy (the one he looks like, poor guy.) [/FONT][FONT=Calibri] [/FONT][FONT=Calibri]I have not met any of you, but I do care about you, I listen and try to learn. I wish peace for you all.[/FONT]

I think your feelings are very rational. I have many situations in my life, adoption issues aside where I catch myself feeling anger in a way at my misfortune at not having what many are born into. Especially now that I am a mother to 3 of my biological children who for the most part were planned and were wanted and prayed for that it makes me sad that I dont have that. I donҒt have a mother that ate healthy with anticipation, sang me songs, and made a hopes and dreams scrapbook page with my ultra sound pictures. I dont have a mother that can tell me about how much I kicked while I was in her womb. I donҒt have a mother that can tell me how she instantly fell in love with me and how she was filled with a love beyond her comprehension for me. I dont have a mother that was filled with so much concern and worry for me that she would watch over me for the rest of my life and do all in her power to keep me safe. I mourn that I wasnҒt born into a family where I had parents that were capable of loving me unconditionally. All I can do is try my best to be the mother to my children that I never had. You have every right to be angry that the people that brought you into this world were too selfish or unprepared to be the parents that you deserved them to be.

Thankyou- that is the most validated I have ever felt in my life (regarding this issue). Thankyou so much for this phrase, and your response in general.

Reading your feelings give me insight to my daughter. She is 11 and was adopted at 8. Thank you for sharing and I hope that you do find peace.

I have never heard that said like that before I think deep down that may be why I am so pissed off at my bmom. The fact that she was adult enough to get into that situation but not adult enough to deal with its concenquences. That right there is the whole reason I kept my oldest, I may have even sat in the hospital the night he was born sending her "Look what I did, and I am keeping him" vibes mentally. I totally get why you are so mad amanda and you arent alone. All my life ( I thought about this this morning so I decided to post it) growing up people (including my aparents) allways told me that the normal look on my face looked like I was mad. I would then smile and laugh but it seems like my face allways goes back to furrowed brows and a small frown. Its something unconsious that I do apparently who knows maybe its from when I was a baby and it just stuck with me. Maybe I was the baby at the maternity home who they all knew was pissed lol I prolly glared at all the nurses ect. Just thought about that and thought hmmm maybe its linked to being taken away from my bmom in the hosp. (shrug) who knows Just my two cents and to let you know amanda that there are more adoptees about there like you you are def not alone.

Amen! I couldn't agree more!

Wow, I think you just described my amother in a nutshell. Thanks for the insight. ~ Denise

"You think this is righteous anger? No ones ever said that to me before. You think that we, as adoptees, have a right to be angry?" **** straight we do, the same right as anyone to be angry when they may feel betrayed or have been harmed by someone. Just keep in mind that anger is a natural protective measure against harm. I agree about doing the work. I struggled with this anger for decades until I "got it", until I separated it. The main thing I have found that is helpful to me with this anger, is some of the literature and theories of dealing with and healing from trauma and grief, the root of my pain and anger, which I denied for most of my life. It's not really an "adoptee thing", it's a natural grief thing. Sometimes you have to allow it to get thru it and past it. This light at the end of that tunnel is so very bright, was well worth the painful work for me.

"I may have even sat in the hospital the night he was born sending her "Look what I did, and I am keeping him" vibes mentally" LOL I did that! I did telepathy a lot LOL But I also couldn't stop thinking of how it must have been for my mother, how cold and painful it must have been. I couldn't fathom it. My anger was directed to her parents - cause I just knew as a grown woman, that she at 19 in 1962 and unwed, really didn't have a choice. I could see how it could possibly ruin me if that were my experience. It was a most incredible physical and emotional time for me. And just having to have those thoughts, during that special experience in my life, really pissed me off too. Too much stress!!

This is exactly how I feel, nothing could be any closer apart from I don't want anything to do with my blood family because of what they did to me and I know I don't want anything to do with them I just don't know why I have this sort of anger because as like you I have a great adoptive family who have gone above and beyond for me. I spend most of my time googling and searching for answers and trying to think of ways of over coming this.