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This is exactly how I feel, nothing could be any closer apart from I don't want anything to do with my blood family because of what they did to me and I know I don't want anything to do with them I just don't know why I have this sort of anger because as like you I have a great adoptive family who have gone above and beyond for me. I spend most of my time googling and searching for answers and trying to think of ways of over coming this.
The older I get the seemingly more intolerant I become. I am at the age ( early 20s) where I am beginning to find myself, to plan my life in a more solid way, and discovering where my loyalties lie.
In an attempt to gain more compassion, IҒve been reading The Girls who Went AwayӔ. And yet somehow. I canŒt find much. I have a few birthparent friends on these forums, some of them stretch into RL. And I love these people, and sympathize and understand them. Their opinions are so valuable, so wise. And yet it doesnŒt help me not be angry at my own birthparents and family. I dont believe in birthparent stereotypes, even though mine fit the bill to a ғt. I also donԒt believe in irrational anger, even though its permeating the adoption part of my life a lot.
I know why I was placed, I know why my extended birth family doesnҒt want much to do with me, and I know why my birth sister does not like me. I know why my birthmother is not capable of a functional relationship. I know it all intellectually, and yet I cannot escape this anger. I am one of the seemingly rare adoptees who really would not have done too well within my birth family, and yet I am still angry. I know it was right, I know it worked out in the long run, but Im still angry.
I donҒt want to be a part of my birth family, at least not in a traditional sense, and yet their rejection of me is the most painful part of my life. I have a great adoptive family, and yet I am still angry. I love my birthfather, I understand his soul. Thats the only way I can describe our relationship, but I hold back parts of myself, because frankly I donҒt think he deserves everything of me. He had me, I was his. But he didnt want it, and now heҒs going to have to stick to that decision. Isnt that sick? I am mature enough and smart enough to be past this. My anger is a secret. I tell everyone that ғI understand and that ԓits okay. But itԒs not. Lately I have been feeling such a fierce loyalty and love in regards to my afamily, because they wanted me, they did it all for me, they sacrificed and gave and worked and waited for me. But the most primal and sacred relationship that every child is born with was simply discontinued in my life. It wasnt like in the time of Ann FesslerҒs book. It would be lovely to be able to blame society, or the timesӔ, or the doctors or the social workers, or anyone else but I simply canŒt. My birthparents did it on purpose, and for that I feel betrayed, angry, and hateful.
Who understands? How do you handle this irrational ( or maybe it is rational?) anger. Spewing this ugliness and sharing it with my adoptive family, or worse, my birth family, would be counterproductive. This is something Ive got to fix for myself, within myself. I just donҒt know how.