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My first obligation is to the safety of the child, so if I see anything that is questionable, then I am mandated to report it as a foster parent. I am not a friend of the bios. I am as cordial to them as possible, but I feel(and now it seems you are living it) that being a friend puts you into a precarious situation. My job is to parent the child and sometimes that means making the bios mad. As long as your CW knows what is going on, then you have support from the side that matters.

Are you supervising visits or something? Is that where you are seeing these things that you need to report or do they have unsupervised visits? I was just wondering if something needs to be changed so that you are not put in this position. It is the CW's job to make sure the child is safe while with the bio parents. That said, you absolutely have to report whatever you see even if the parents get angry. You can still be kind and polite to them even if they become angry with you and treat you differently. You can't control their reactions and you can't let them bully you into keeping secrets either. I think that IS supporting RU. You want them to change these things that you are seeing so that the child CAN return home. If no one reports them, they can not be dealt with or corrected! Tough love! You are doing just fine! Keep it up.

I have to admit, we struggle with this also. I wanted to be as friendly as possible (no, I'm not inviting them over for dinner or "babysitting" their child "after they go home" like one recently suggested!) for the sake of the child, but when I got the total picture of what biomom had done and continues to do, it was hard to be sympathetic. The fact that the current bio continues to lie to and manipulate her toddler son during visits (tells him all the time that he's coming home, lists the things she's buying him and then never delivers, etc....) makes it easier to keep my distance. We have to call her every night right now so that our FS can say Good Night, and it is maddening b/c he's 2, if we are lucky says "Good Night" and then hands the phone to me- never more than a sentence or two- and then mom wants to "talk" all sorts of craziness with me and I have to just say, "I need to hang up now so that I can take care of __________." and then she gets mad. Oh, well! Yes, I think this conflict is really the main reason why that after this round we will be pursuing adoption only situations- I just don't care to deal with bios! I can handle someone who admits they've made a mistake or had a one-time problem, but in most cases, it's such an extensive history or continues to put the child at risk, and I just can't realte to someone like that!

Exactly; Bio mom has unsupervised visits baby is going home in two weeks. She has told me that she thinks of me like a god mother to her child wich is great. But, this is child number five and all of the rest have been adopted out for the same drug related problem. She has to stay on a drug to maintain her sell. We do alot of the contact between us social worker is not involved that much wich is very frustrating. So I have to report things even if they are minor wich I do not care because it is for the safety of FS. But I do still would like to be in contact with him when he goes home. I do realize this rarely happens, I think what makes it hard is that this is are first placement and FS was only sic weeks old when he came to us for care.

I do agree with what has already been said. Try to be open and honest with the bio mum. Explain that you are interested in the safety of her child and you have to report things, for his sake and appeal to her human nature - if it was someone elses child she would probably agree that reporting things is the right thing to do byt he child. Also encourage her to bring things up with the caseworker etc, if things concern you let her know that they have concerned you and ask her to mention it to the caseworker (also tell them yourself). Being friends can make things difficult but you both have a common interest, the child and its welfare must be the most important thing. Be staight with her as much as you can. Hopefully she will respect you for that and wont feel as though you are being friendly to her face and then being different to the social worker.

1. We still have contact with 4 out of 5 of our previous foster children. Don't give up hope on that. 2. The CW should be 100% involved at this point in the case. Many times parents will slack off and go back to old habits when they are told that the child is coming home. I know defferent areas handle these things differently, but this is a horrible place to put a foster parent in. IMHO 3. Do your very best to stay on good terms with bmom so that you have a chance at keeping in touch. (she may ask that he be placed with you if she does have him removed again!)

I had (have) a good relationship with Bio. I like her and know she is trying hard. When kiddos went back (after a year) we got to see them all the time. The problems arose when the children were put back in care (3 mo later). They came back to our house and she started calling daily. CPS told her she was to have no contact with us, which she respected for 2 and a half-months. She has started contacting us again (she is very upset and scared about getting her kids back and a TPR trial has been set). I explained to her the risk involved in her calling--but didn't report it to CPS. I have told both her and CPS not to involve me in the TPR trial. I am so conflicted--I can see both sides (and know the kids would be better off being adopted, but also understand that there are all sorts of families out there and she is doing her best. I am glad I maintained a friendship with her for the kids sake (it made the transition back to care very easy for the kids) but I feel I am really in awkward position right now!

Yes, that is a hard place to be. It is wonderful that you kept in touch. Such a blessing to these kids that didn't have to go to another new place. It is probably wise to stay out of the TPR. Do you plan to adopt the kids??

i really can't adopt--and never thought I'd be in this position. My goal is to stay in their lives (maybe yearly visits??) and remind them how special we think they are. I don't think we'll foster again for a while (it has been an emotional roller coaster). The outcome is not AT ALL what we expected, but for some reason something we think we were meant to do. It's weird, but I think there was a reason we got our license when we did--like we were meant to be in their lives forever--but not as their parents. The whole foster care thing is so out of place for us--we know no one who has done it and our friends have raised their eyebrows at us (not that they know anything). Mom has contacted me again to speak (for her) at TPR--arghhhhh!:confused: I really want what is best for them and I'm not sure it is her (is love enough?).