What do they call you?

I have just introduced myself with my first name and let them call me what they want. As long as it is respectful and not "hey dirtbag" and they understand my role , then I am just fine.

Though I am very new to the idea of fostering myself, I was fostered unoffically as a child, and know MANY people that have been, so I can speak with at least a little experience. If it truly bothers you to be called by just your first name, I would suggest having the kids call you Aunt. It is a bit more personal that Miss--- and doesn't necessarily carry the conatations of mom or mommy. That way, if RU is in the works it won't make the kid feel like they are betraying their mom and if not, you are still making it clear that you are family without forcing a relationship that they may not feel yet. Aunts can be almost any level of close, and very few people question a kid that is out with/staying with an aunt. Just my opinion of course, but there it is :)

For what it's worth, All but one home, I was always on a first name basis with any of my foster parents. If any friends came over, my friends would call my FM "miss <firstname>". The only exception was one home that the parents asked that I call them "mr. and mrs." <lastname>. I was "ok" with that. I mean, I really didn't care. They were also VERY insistant that I use "sir" and "maam" when addressing them, even though their own kids didnt have too. That part did bother me. It was annoying.

My FD calls me "Jenny" and that is working great so far. When she is talking to her friends and others, she says "my mom" and means me. That is a little weird but I am getting used to it. The other day my 6 year old nephew overheard FD say "my mom" to a friend and it was in reference to me. My nephew said "she's not your mom, she's Jenny". I really hope that FD understands that my nephew wasn't trying to hurt her feelings or anything like that, it is just that he never heard her do that before and he didn't understand why she would say that.ETA- I don't understand the 'sir' and 'maam' thing either. Bio kids or not, it seems weird to have kids refer to parents in that way. I think it is a cultural thing though.

I have had children from 2-17 and have had a variety of names. I always introduce myself with my first name. I have had only 2 call me mom, one it took more than a month and she was only 4. The other was 8, and started calling me momma the first day, but said it was because she couldn't remember my name. I had a 2 year old that couldn't say my name, so she called me "dessie" lol it was cute!! and probably what's stuck with me the most I had a 14 year old, that would have loved to have called me B!! (im sure you know where im going with that) but after about 4 months of putting up with me, she started calling me "big momma" it's kinda perfect for me, because it's a term of endearment to her, it's not my first name, and all her friends started calling me that as well. She is away at the moment, but she always calls me big momma. Her mother and I have become close and she's ok with that as well. My personal opinion is this kids have enough to worry about, and shouldn't be made to call you anything certain. I would introduce your self, eventually you will likely see they may call you thier own name. you are not their MOM and you should remember that when being a foster parent. That is hard for some ppl to remember. let the kids call you what ever they want. In addition, I have a close friend who's kids made up their own name for me too... her baby can't say stephanie and idk y but she called me "aunt duckie" and her other daughter calls me phanie... perhaps "your kids" will make one up for you!! good luck to you!

thanks for replying... I think it's important to have imput from children who have lived with foster parents. I always try to ask the older kids a lot of questions so I can learn what their needs really are. I am close with the older kids Ive had probably because I did take the time to ask and too listen. One thing I never thought of that I learned from them, is they DO NOT like to be called "foster daughter" if im refering to them. Just as they were confused about what to call me, I was confused what to call them. This is weird because I do not want them to think I am trying to take the place of their "mother" what ever the situation is, their mother is their mother, but but also don't want to call them my "foster child"... what do you do about this??

oh that was to wildgirl!

THANK YOU!!! Yes, Our first names (and JUST our first names) work fine."This is <childs first name>, she'll be staying with us for a little while" If they ask why?"We are parents of the foster care program." Simple. That's SO much easier on the kids ears then "Shes a foster child", or "foster daughter". Talk about wanting to run and hide your face. Uggg.

You know, I came right out and asked FFS how he prefered I tell people who I was or who he was. Did it make him uncomforatble for me to call him my foster son (to people who knew us) or did he prefer that I just say he was staying with us for a while? If they didn't know us would it be okay to reference his as our son (which got comments about how I didn't look old enough to have a kid his age :) ) or should I use something else? Did he prefer me not to say I was his mom (which avoided a lot of unwanted questions from strangers)? This was a relatively quick conversation after he had been here a few days. Once I told people at church that we were foster parents, most of them passed along the info to others in our small church and there were very few questions as to who this new person was. We are also used to having kids from the community come without their parents, so he blended in pretty well. He was also pretty laid back and said he didn't care. I didn't want to take his mom's place by using her title, but I also didn't want to let the whole world know our business and his.

My view on this has evolved. One of my foster children went for respite....and during the weekend respite he was told to call the foster parent "mommie". This was totally weird as the child, who was with me for a few months by that point, called me by my name. I found about about during one of those car rides when he revealed just how much this bothered him. He wanted to know why he was supposed to call this person "mommie". I told him, he didn't have to call anyone mommie except his mommie unless he wanted to. He said he told the foster parent this (we'd had a similar discussion when he'd try to tell someone who I was) and was told he "had" to call her mommie not her name. Added to his concern, his mommie REALLY has a HUGE issue about her children calling other people family designations. It just seemed this was more about the foster parent's need to play mommy than the child's need for security. Anyway, my opinion on this has evolved. I really don't think foster parents should try to take the name of mommy and daddy until and unless the child makes that designation. Transference as is all great and good in theory, but really, a lot of the families of kids in care have challenges which prevent them understanding transference. Besides I'm not sure that transferring the designation is the point so much as transferreing the feeling of trust and safety.

I gave mine the choice of: Ms. Millie, Aunt Millie or Mom Millie. They're not calling me by my first name nor am I making them feel disloyal to their bio moms.

disregard that last post. I didn't realize I'd already posted.

They don't want it known that they're in the foster care system at all, especially teenagers. I introduced the teenager as my son and he referred to me as his mom. QUOTE=shall0927]thanks for replying... I think it's important to have imput from children who have lived with foster parents. I always try to ask the older kids a lot of questions so I can learn what their needs really are. I am close with the older kids Ive had probably because I did take the time to ask and too listen. One thing I never thought of that I learned from them, is they DO NOT like to be called "foster daughter" if im refering to them. Just as they were confused about what to call me, I was confused what to call them. This is weird because I do not want them to think I am trying to take the place of their "mother" what ever the situation is, their mother is their mother, but but also don't want to call them my "foster child"... what do you do about this??[/QUOTE]

I would just go by first name or aunt first name.When I was a foster kid,I was told,by my foster parents, to call them mom and dad,of course they would call me foster daughter (first name),I hated that.Anyway before the last foster parent died I started calling him Mr lastname,never thought of them as my parents ever,just foster parents.

We always refer to ourselves as "Miss Jane and Mr. Joe", but our first four placements were too young to talk, so none of them called us anything! Our current Little Miss is 2; she started out calling us variations of our first names as she was able. After about 4 months with us, when she was 1.5, she started calling us Mama and Daddy, like our sons do, and we went with it. I think it's kind of up to the kiddo, and as I've never had anybody but infants and a toddler, I'm sure it's different for older kids; I would probably let them just call us our first names without the Miss or Mister. One of the foster moms in my support group has her foster kiddos call her "Honey." Another one uses "Mimi." I think those nicknames that aren't quite "Mom" and aren't anything like "Aunt So-and-So" are a good way to go. It's special and familiar, not too formal, and not too intimate.