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Some of you have read my tale, but here's a summary. T was born in foster care to a 15 year old foster child. He's had 2 dozen or so placements, 3 years in RTFs, and 4 failed adoption attempts. He's been in our life for a year now, and adoption was finalized Dec 29, 2009. At the end of January, his bio mom called him out of the blue with no warning. Since that point, he has kept to himself a lot, primarily in his room on the phone or writing hip-hop lyrics. He also is well known to have a 4-6 week rage cycle. He'll explode over some minor infraction of house rules, blaming us for him not following the rules. In the past it's been primarily verbal, 2x punching holes in the walls, once shoving me into a wall. During his rages, he is truly an animal, he is blind hate and pure rage. In the past his rages were physically violent to other people.
He denies a cyclic pattern to his behavior. He says that other people intentionally piss him off to 'make him' act in the way that he does. He takes no ownership of his own behavior.
This time was much more violent than we've ever seen, a regression to his behaviors about 2 years ago. We called him on a huge English project that was not turned in and caught him in a lie about it. He insists that he never knew anything about it, didn't know that anything was due. He snapped when we pointed out that it was a poster that needed to be turned in, so it wasn't possible for him not to notice everyone else in class but him turning in posterboard.
He then proceeded to assault my husband, cracking my husband's skull off of a wall. He destroyed my cell when I tried to call the police (they got called before when he shoved me too). I grabbed my husband's cell and he tried to block me from getting away from him, but I ducked around him and ran outside. He trapped my husband in the kitchen and would not let him leave.
Police gave us the option of arrest or hospitalization. We opted for hospitalization. He's been there since late Fri/early Sat, and is still holding to his story that there is no pattern and that we intentionally try to get under his skin to 'make him' act that way.
On Sunday, I combed through well over 100 pages of psych history dating back to 1998. There's really good documentation from 2006-2008 that very clearly shows his 4-6 week cycle, plus my documentation from Feb 2009-Feb 2010 that shows the same. Other consistencies.... he will invent racism when he is in trouble (he's done that twice with us, once inventing 2 kids that want to beat him up because he's black, this time he's pretending to be mad at a girl for calling him 'n-er' even though he refers to himself as 'n-er' in his correspondance with her and other friends, so opens the door for them to refer to him as such). He is most violent and angry toward those that try the most to help him. He refuses medications. He will lie to get out of trouble and melt down when caught in telling falsehoods. He believes everyone is out to get him, to the point of near-paranoia. He refuses therapy and will shut down during sessions instead of participate.
Every report, across foster homes, multiple RTFs and therapists, and 12 years of reports all say exactly the same thing.
T is a very bright kid with a good heart, but this facet of his nature will destroy his future. In the interests of safety, we have no choice but to have him arrested the next time. We don't want to resort to that, but our options are limited.
Is there anything that can be done to help him break this cycle? His cycle started at age 4 when placed with a verbally and physically abusive bio aunt. The aunt no-showed for his therapy appointments and made him visit his bio mom. Bio mom was described as 'inappropriate' toward T, and he referred to her as 'the mean mom' and begged to not have to see her. His description of her now is of an angelic perfect mom, but her phone call had to bring back all the demons of what really happened back then. Prior to age 4-5, he had no behavioral issues. After age 4-5, the cycle began.
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I'm so sorry! How is your dh?? As for your son, I would hope his team of docs have copies of the documentation you have along with a meeting to talk with you?I think I'd call a therapist for a consultation and just see what they suggest starting with in order to help him. Maybe an abuse counselor would have ideas?
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We have FBMHS and the therapists through that have been a huge help. One of them was in the ER with us and drove him to the psych center (2 hours away... I didn't want to be in a car with him, I wanted to be able to talk with my husband on the cell without him listening). Husband had a headache for a couple of days and a banged up shoulder, but he'll live. He has a thick skull ;-)The docs don't have the documentation, but I did summarize everything including a time line and offered originals if they wanted to copy them. There is over 100 pages, so I don't have the time to copy all of that myself.
Hi Peregrine,
I am so sorry to hear what you guys are going through - and geez, sounds like your son has lived through a lot.
I may be totally out to lunch here, but we have a DD who is similar in some ways (although not as extreme) but absolutely refuses to take responsibility for anything. She has essentially ruined every relationship with an adult in her life, but will not see her part in any of it. It's always someone else's fault - someone else always made her act like that, etc. Minor things become two week explosions, sometimes getting aggressive but not violent (yet).
What I've found is that confronting her with what she did wrong only made her defensive, angry/rage and in some cases really sad and then she was a a bit of a danger to herself. I think sometimes their self-esteem is so low they just can't handle what they perceive as criticism, and so reject it. Or, with her, it seemed she felt she had dug herself such a deep hole, there was no way out - so why bother trying?
So...now what I try to do and what might work for your son is to first validate his feelings and that he was angry and had a right to be (even if you really don't think he does - doesn't matter - they are his feelings, you know? And this is hard, because they are angry about some really dumb things sometimes - lol) and then say something like "It is totally unacceptable for anyone to call you those names. I can see that you are really angry, mad, sad, whatever. BUT, how did your reaction help the situation?". Or pointing out that the way he reacted just gave her power over him (he reacted to her, which is what she wanted), or that his reaction got him in trouble while she did not. And then go through how he could react differently.
So, for the poster project for example - saying he "had to have known" and pointing out he must have seen other kids handing it in just put him on the defensive. And once they start down this path, it's almost impossible to get them to turn around!!!! So maybe saying "ok, it seems you may have not seen this - but now how are we going to fix it?". It doesn't do any good anyways to have him "admit" his wrong doings - it has to be fixed or completed - so what will that look like? And he has to figure it out...with your help of course. That makes him take responsibility for fixing it, without having to admit he made a mistake out loud, which he clearly cannot handle right now (either can my DD).
Our son who is 10 and very big and strong birthdays, or like for you - his birth mother calling) and he is off on the down cycle. I would say you are making HUGE strides if you are seeing lengthening times between the down cycle, or another good sign is if the cycle gets less severe. It's really common behaviour - since it has an obvious trigger I wouldn't say it's bipolar...just fear and anger and whatever else he has going on inside him.
Sorry for the ramble, please feel free to PM if you want to vent more or chat - it is a tough road, isn't it?
Hi Peregrine,
I am so sorry to hear what you guys are going through - and geez, sounds like your son has lived through a lot.
I may be totally out to lunch here, but we have a DD who is similar in some ways (although not as extreme) but absolutely refuses to take responsibility for anything. She has essentially ruined every relationship with an adult in her life, but will not see her part in any of it. It's always someone else's fault - someone else always made her act like that, etc. Minor things become two week explosions, sometimes getting aggressive but not violent (yet).
What I've found is that confronting her with what she did wrong only made her defensive, angry/rage and in some cases really sad and then she was a a bit of a danger to herself. I think sometimes their self-esteem is so low they just can't handle what they perceive as criticism, and so reject it. Or, with her, it seemed she felt she had dug herself such a deep hole, there was no way out - so why bother trying?
So...now what I try to do and what might work for your son is to first validate his feelings and that he was angry and had a right to be (even if you really don't think he does - doesn't matter - they are his feelings, you know? And this is hard, because they are angry about some really dumb things sometimes - lol) and then say something like "It is totally unacceptable for anyone to call you those names. I can see that you are really angry, mad, sad, whatever. BUT, how did your reaction help the situation?". Or pointing out that the way he reacted just gave her power over him (he reacted to her, which is what she wanted), or that his reaction got him in trouble while she did not. And then go through how he could react differently.
So, for the poster project for example - saying he "had to have known" and pointing out he must have seen other kids handing it in just put him on the defensive. And once they start down this path, it's almost impossible to get them to turn around!!!! So maybe saying "ok, it seems you may have not seen this - but now how are we going to fix it?". It doesn't do any good anyways to have him "admit" his wrong doings - it has to be fixed or completed - so what will that look like? And he has to figure it out...with your help of course. That makes him take responsibility for fixing it, without having to admit he made a mistake out loud, which he clearly cannot handle right now (either can my DD).
Our son who is 10 and very big and strong birthdays, or like for you - his birth mother calling) and he is off on the down cycle. I would say you are making HUGE strides if you are seeing lengthening times between the down cycle, or another good sign is if the cycle gets less severe. It's really common behaviour - since it has an obvious trigger I wouldn't say it's bipolar...just fear and anger and whatever else he has going on inside him.
Sorry for the ramble, please feel free to PM if you want to vent more or chat - it is a tough road, isn't it?
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I think he's starting to simmer, we're at week 3ish, so on time for that. However, to his great credit, he's cooling off a lot quicker from the attitude and actively trying to see where we're coming from. He participates in therapy more, takes his meds with no arguement. So far, so good, actually. I hope he stays on this course.
peregrinerose
Some of you have read my tale, but here's a summary. T was born in foster care to a 15 year old foster child. He's had 2 dozen or so placements, 3 years in RTFs, and 4 failed adoption attempts. He's been in our life for a year now, and adoption was finalized Dec 29, 2009. At the end of January, his bio mom called him out of the blue with no warning. Since that point, he has kept to himself a lot, primarily in his room on the phone or writing hip-hop lyrics. He also is well known to have a 4-6 week rage cycle. He'll explode over some minor infraction of house rules, blaming us for him not following the rules. In the past it's been primarily verbal, 2x punching holes in the walls, once shoving me into a wall. During his rages, he is truly an animal, he is blind hate and pure rage. In the past his rages were physically violent to other people.
He denies a cyclic pattern to his behavior. He says that other people intentionally piss him off to 'make him' act in the way that he does. He takes no ownership of his own behavior.
This time was much more violent than we've ever seen, a regression to his behaviors about 2 years ago. We called him on a huge English project that was not turned in and caught him in a lie about it. He insists that he never knew anything about it, didn't know that anything was due. He snapped when we pointed out that it was a poster that needed to be turned in, so it wasn't possible for him not to notice everyone else in class but him turning in posterboard.
He then proceeded to assault my husband, cracking my husband's skull off of a wall. He destroyed my cell when I tried to call the police (they got called before when he shoved me too). I grabbed my husband's cell and he tried to block me from getting away from him, but I ducked around him and ran outside. He trapped my husband in the kitchen and would not let him leave.
Police gave us the option of arrest or hospitalization. We opted for hospitalization. He's been there since late Fri/early Sat, and is still holding to his story that there is no pattern and that we intentionally try to get under his skin to 'make him' act that way.
On Sunday, I combed through well over 100 pages of psych history dating back to 1998. There's really good documentation from 2006-2008 that very clearly shows his 4-6 week cycle, plus my documentation from Feb 2009-Feb 2010 that shows the same. Other consistencies.... he will invent racism when he is in trouble (he's done that twice with us, once inventing 2 kids that want to beat him up because he's black, this time he's pretending to be mad at a girl for calling him 'n-er' even though he refers to himself as 'n-er' in his correspondance with her and other friends, so opens the door for them to refer to him as such). He is most violent and angry toward those that try the most to help him. He refuses medications. He will lie to get out of trouble and melt down when caught in telling falsehoods. He believes everyone is out to get him, to the point of near-paranoia. He refuses therapy and will shut down during sessions instead of participate.
Every report, across foster homes, multiple RTFs and therapists, and 12 years of reports all say exactly the same thing.
T is a very bright kid with a good heart, but this facet of his nature will destroy his future. In the interests of safety, we have no choice but to have him arrested the next time. We don't want to resort to that, but our options are limited.
Is there anything that can be done to help him break this cycle? His cycle started at age 4 when placed with a verbally and physically abusive bio aunt. The aunt no-showed for his therapy appointments and made him visit his bio mom. Bio mom was described as 'inappropriate' toward T, and he referred to her as 'the mean mom' and begged to not have to see her. His description of her now is of an angelic perfect mom, but her phone call had to bring back all the demons of what really happened back then. Prior to age 4-5, he had no behavioral issues. After age 4-5, the cycle began.
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:evilgrin: Please tell us, where are you one year later? I know, what you've been through. I got the taste. My two girls pushed every button including doing horrible things, but then at certain point things become easier. Just took us 4 years. My older easily opens up and talks about her feelings. As she's maturing, I explained to her why she was acting the way she was (RAD). I also explained, how I felt being totally surprised by her behavior (I was not understanding at all RAD and I told her that). There was a point when I considered a private boarding school for one, but it would be hard to do so and we did not persue. There are still times of regress, but I know that the road is going up! My girls are beautiful, healthy, talented and intelligent. The problems, which we had, were very deep though. Our girls almost managed to divorce us! What I would do differently? I would tried to see hurt in theirs challenging us. Hurt of a child who lost everything she knew and fear of feeling same pain again. Easy to say, ha? I guess, I will have some opportunities to follow up my own advise.[url]http://forums.adoption.com/images/smilies/devilish.gif[/url]
We're lucky, T is not going to take 4 years to get easier. I think that's the perk of older teen adoption... their brains are more mature, so can voice what's really going on. We've had a couple of good months. He's actually doing well and able to talk with us more, he's participating in therapy more. We always deal with him by way of looking at the hurt and fear that leads to his behaviors rather than what his behaviors do to us or our home, and that seems to help him respond better.We've had some recent hiccups, and I know we're going to have more backwards steps, but at least the general trend is moving forward.
I think many kids have a very, very stormy adolescence, but that they eventually work it out. Some are not so lucky.
If a psychiatrist is willing to keep a kid in a hospital, I'm thinking there is something more going on than the usual angry teen, the way medical coverage is these days and how sick a people are kicked OUT of the hospital, I'm thinking a doctor can see something going on with this kid. And while I would try very hard to be supportive, clear and non judgemental, I'm also thinking that exactly how you word a discussion with him, might not really change the underlying problem. He may indeed need more than that. Perhaps counseling, medication...I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I have found that when there is a more biological problem underlying that behavior, it is a very good kid who's doing the best he can and he just needs more help than a kind word and a pat on the back. Sometimes I just realize there is a limit to what I can do.
One of our relatives seemed to be very, very angry as a young person. He even got into a physical battle with a church school teacher. He assaulted me and other people. He never got any help or treatment. He grew up to be an adult who was successful on the job, usually able to control his rages, but was seriously in need of treatment for depression, which he refused. He was divorced twice. His first wife stood up to his rages, and the second one didn't, but neither of them wanted to stay with him. At times he had paranoia with the depression, which is not unusual.
Depression can masquerade as irritability, anger, and many other things, especially in teens. It's not really that unusual to have 'atypical' symptoms with depression...hallucinations, paranoia, not that unusual. So depression could be a possibility.
Paranoia is not the same as 'it's everyone else's fault'. Often 'it's everyone else's fault' because the person can't understand that they are sick. This is not the same as 'denial' and doesn't respond to 'a good talking to' or a lecture. This is an inability to evaluate one's own behavior, which is often a part of depression and other conditions because it dulls or even removes one's ability to evaluate. I've had many people ask me when I was a volunteer helper, 'how can I tell when I am depressed?' Others have said, 'I just feel numb...do other people feel like that?' If that's all you've known it's hard to realize it's 'abnormal'. The brain just isn't good at telling us how it ''feels'', especially when it ain't feeling good.
When a person is depressed, what they see is distorted. They see everything 'through a glass darkly', and they see a distorted view of the world. 'It's everyone else's fault' is actually just how it looks! The depressed brain can't evaluate as well, and what it perceives is distorted.
I often think when a kid has 'cycles of anger', that they have an underlying psychiatric problem that they are trying very, very hard to cover up, not so much to others, but often, chiefly to themselves. They spend weeks trying to push it down, doing their level best to 'act normal' and then have a blow up because they just can't hide it any more and because it takes such a toll on a person to push it down. Out of control inconsistent, violent, raging biological parents, especially substance abuser biological parents, says to me, 'untreated psychiatric issues' and those can be inherited genetically. For me, the extreme irritability at slight frustrations, the 'refusal to take responsibility'(I don't see it as that, I see it as lack of insight into the causes of their behavior or a denial of their condition), point to severe depression or some other psychiatric problem.
Think of it. How angry would you be if you were developing the suspicion you got some unwelcome genetic 'gift' from your biological parent, along with their neglect and abandonment of you, while at the same time your hormones are raging and you want to be independent but also want to be loved, and you're trying to figure out how do you live the rest of your life and trust people after all you've been through? The message needs to be, 'so what, we'll find out what you need, we'll get it for you, we'll work at it, and you are going to have a good life, and I'd like to see anyone try to stop us'.
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Kanohothyme...I read your post regarding problems of an older adopted child.Somehow, even tho we don't know his story, as adoptees we can relate to the head confusion and acting out of this child. It is sad to think that the heads of young children can be broken to a point where they no longer work, or the long term hopes for recovery are guarded...In spite of all the available help this childs head may be broken beyond recovery. In cases of children like him, I have often wondered if it matters to some that he may become a lifelong lost soul.Young children sometimes act out in many ways due to grief, loss and past experiences and they don't know they are grieving. I was sold into adoption at 5 months, then lost a first stepmother at age 3. There were many periods of grief and loss I couldn't understand.Thanx for sharing the story related to the lives of you and your sister and your thoughts regarding your a-parents. It is easy to understand your feelings.As an adoptee, my a-parents indicated that acting out was "bad" and had consequences. It was a different era, and consequences were severe. I was a possession brought into a family for the a-parents. I knew my place and why I was there.Like you and your sister, I am a part of the group of "frozen" souls.As a black market adoptee, my story has a dark beginning, a middle, but no ending...and yes, the unresolved issues will remain to the end. Adoption in my time, and even now to some extent, is a sordid transaction.We are lost souls...involved in our own daily activities as well as the lives of others, but in reality, we are "separate from" the fabric of many people we know, and often, if our story is known, viewed as having no roots or substance and as a result, lost to time and space.I wish you the best.
Dear Peregrinose,
The most important is to understand the source of his behavior. I strongly recommend to you to go to the [url=http://www.postinstitute.com]Welcome to The Post Institute[/url] and ask Dr. Bryan Post for a copy of his book From Fear to Love. I think that your son's behavior is natural and expected and what more can be helped. Please read this book and let me know, if you agreed.
My message is about you. I include my story, which I describe to you only to illustrate my point (look for the similar patterns of behavior); mother to one BS, mom to bit younger two girls AD, both with similar problems. My younger started acting up (swearing, hitting) this year at school with a new teacher and she is threatened with serious "consequences". I have a meeting at school with psychologist and principal on Monday. My older at the age of 7, attacked me for the first time. While I was washing her feet from the sand in the sink, leaving for home from the beach. She spitted in my face! Shocking! Not, if you understand. Years ago she was forcibly taken screaming and crying from her mother. She is still (almost 12) crying for her. Think this, she was resisting loving and accepting me at the very tender moment of maternal contact, because of the FEAR that she would attach to someone and loose it again. Fear of pain. Survival instinct. (Would I survive such a pain again?) Makes perfect sense. I was pushed from the stairs (failed attempt), I was name called, hit and daily called mean. I had police at my house (call not by our family). Enough of that. Today, my older (12) is my best friend, I have her trust and love. Occasionally, she would still regress, but if I only manage to stay calm, things get better within minutes. There is still plenty of struggle ahead of our family, but my understanding that things (behaviors) make sense, brought me peace and ability to act better. There is a HOPE. I am on this journey.
Your bright son and your family must to win this battle. Please read the book. Understanding what's going on must be the first step. I personally think that there are far too few people who understand. We've been in therapy all that time and the progress was too slow. Just little gains here and there. It doesn't have to be so slow. Also, as I said this before, if your son is old enough and bright, you could engage him (as I do with my girls) to understand his own behavior and reactions. My latest plan is to meet Dr. Post for therapy this summer.
With warmest love and understanding,
Anna