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How do you get a teen FK to become responsible, even for simple things? Things like: taking the correct material (book/equipment) to each class at school, listening to get the correct date of the upcoming exam, or asking questions for events (like when and where)? This teen will be an "adult" in a year and a half. I'm thinking of all the small things I have to be responsible for (paying bills, not overdrawing my bank account, having clean clothes for work,getting a job application in before the deadline, knowing how to think ahead more than an hour, etc.) and am not sure how FS is going to make it.
Should I just let poor grades or missed activities be the consequence? A consequence of poor grades (especially failing ones, even more so if you just didn't try at all rather than the result of studying and just not getting it) in our house is very limited extracurricular activities (i.e. nothing besides church stuff). As it is there isn't a lot we can take away, but I'd really rather teach than discipline right now. I can't exactly walk around to each teacher each day and ask if they assigned something or find the person in charge of every event to ask the basic questions FS should have asked in the first place. I do ask him at the end of each school day about what was done in class and if there is any homework. I'm also trying to get him to think through and prioritize things. "When does your slip need to be turned in? Don't you think you should go ahead and get it filled out rather than waiting and forgetting about it later?" "Did you remember to turn the slip into the teacher? Well then I'll wait while you run back in and hand it in." Honestly I shouldn't have to remind him to put socks on before his shoes (sarcasim, not being serious with that one).
Any suggestion or things that worked with you? He does have an agenda book for school, but forgets to take it anywhere and thinks that he doesn't really need it. Maybe I should just stop correcting him when he argues that the test is Tuesday and not Monday (when the teacher has already told me it will be Monday). However, he will just blame the teacher for changing their mind, it is not his fault. :confused:
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I would ask each teacher to make sure he has his agenda with assignments each day and that he leaves school with everything he needs to do his work. I would ask the teachers to sign it each day to acknowledge that he got everything in it and has all his supplies. He might be embarrassed by being treated like a little kid who can't be responsible for doing this on his own but that can motivate him to be more responsible on his own.
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we just do natural consequences like poor grades, getting disciplined at work for not knowing their schedule, late fees on their bills, and making them call the people they blew off/missed appointments. they deal with the messes they make as much as we can let them without us looking bad.
life shuts down until they get on track. no tv, ipods, going anywhere, blah blah blah...
we also had a study hall at the kitchen table if neccessary.
I love natural consequences for most things in life. They work easily without putting so much of the pressure on the parent. It makes the child responsible for themselves. That being said, I do disagree with their use sometimes. For example, if a child does not do homework, gets bad grades and fails school because of it......clearly the use of natural consequences didn't help. I feel that failing school is a consequence that has repercussions for years to come and if the child doesn't realize that then you have the job as a parent to at least make sure that you are doing everything you can to keep them in school and being successful. For natural consequences, the child must care about the consequences in order to make them change. If a child doesn't care about grades and failing school, then it won't work. In my opinion, school is not a choice. When they are 18 they can sign themselves out but until then, school and the work that goes with it are mandatory. I am not big on having tons of rules but doing your best in school is one of them. If it meant we being at the school at the end of the day, everyday, to make sure the child has the assignments and supplies neccessary, then I would do that. They might tire of the embarrasment but that could be good. I would make sure to give them a chance to do it on their own but if they can't, I make sure they have the stuff and then enforce a consequence for making me get involved. For example, if I pick the child up at school and they have everything, good. If not, I get it and they lose tv for the day or something else they like. The next day they have the chance to make a better choice. But either way, doing your best in school is not a choice, it is a requirement.
blueflower
Should I just let poor grades or missed activities be the consequence?
We had a great example of a natural consequence last night. FS did something silly/stupid (very teenage boyish thing) and hurt himself. My first reaction was ice and ibuprofen. Long story short, we ended up taking a trip to the ER. Now he has everyone asking him what happened. He is embarassed by the story, but I'm not sure if he doesn't actually like the attention more. [He hurt himself last week too (but intentionally). That time I think he did handle the results such that people would ask about it. i.e. attention seeking rather than the other rationals] He really was hurt, even cryed some. I'm not overly compassionate about him hurting himself because it happens while doing something he should have thought, "hmm, this probably isn't a great idea." So, yes, I'll wrap, ice, heat, medicate and take to the doctor, but I'm not going to baby him about it. DH is mad about him not thinking ahead (a very chronic habit with him). I reminded DH that, though it was a stupid thing to do, FS is the one who is hurt and has to live the next week/two/three/? with the consequences of it. Besides what do we gain from being mad about it?
I did try to offer alternatives to the school instead of their idea of pulling him out of P.E. He doesn't need to be missing another class. I can't believe their first thought was to take him out. Really? What does that teach? If he was working and hurt himself, would his employeer say "Well since you are hurt why don't you just stay home and we'll continue to pay you?" I don't think so, unless it is workman's comp. Most employeers I know would find something for him to do.
Since we quit helping so much with school work, his grades have actually improved some. He still missed some homeworks and failed a few quizes, but he knows they are completely his fault. When I asked him what changed, he said it was because he had less help and had to actually learn it. I'm not sure about that, but if he thinks so and is getting better grades then who am I to say otherwise.
He still has a long way to go, it has only been a few weeks, but maybe he is getting it ... or we are just in another lull period that this cycle seems to go in.
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