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My DH and I attended a local heart gallery this weekend and are inquiring about two children - a 10 yo boy and a 13 yo girl (not sibs). These are the oldest ages we have ever even remotely considered, starting out with a desire for a newborn, followed by "up to a year", and most recently "under age 5". From the short profiles and the photographs, the two seem very endearing and like we would be a good match for them.
So, to my questions. Being that this is a local situation, would we meet the children first, see if we like each other, before moving forward? What are some questions we should ask them if it does come to a meeting? What sort of transition should we expect in terms of visits and move? What sort of challenges should we expect that are unique to this early adolescent age group?
Thanks!
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Well, it sometimes depends on what state you live in, but meeting the child was the very last thing we did. It seems strange that they want you to practically commit to adoption without ever having met the child but that's the way it worked with our last two. We're in Texas.
Transition depends on the age of the child. Older kids are often given more time to visit with the adoptive family, in and out of their home. Could be months, depending on the child and how they do with the transition.
There are others on this board who are more experienced in pre-teen and teen adoption than we are, (our oldest adoption was/is 6 y/o) but I do know that many of these kids carry a lot of baggage with them in the form of emotional, behavioral, and attachment issues. Read every scrap of paper that they give you on these kids, along with every book, article, and post on this board regarding attachment issues.
Ask, ask, ask about previous placements (how many, why did they leave, etc.), talk to previous foster families, therapists, teachers, anyone who you can corner to give you insight on these kids. The heart gallery and photo listings can be...shall we say...misleading, so be very careful and try to read between the lines.
Good luck, and I'm sure you already know that there's lots of support here with whatever you decide to do!
Even though I only recently registered on these boards and started posting, I've been lurking for months and have found a wealth of information and help here.
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I second pp on asking about previous placements, how long in care, why in care, and talking to all experts involved in their lives. Expect that there will be challenges in bonding and by that I mean true bonding and it will require you to parent knowing the child might not like you all that much and still loving them.You might post on the special needs board asking for those who specifically adopted preteens and teens to share their experiences. There are several who have!:)I don't think I'd adopt two non siblings at once though.