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Hello! I am the amother of a delightful, American-born, Cambodian 2 year-old little girl. (Ripples--thank you for your "rant".) I am not looking for fantasy. I'm looking for honesty, so that I can understand my daughter when she begins to ask questions about her life.
My daughter joined our family a week after her birth. She was the result of date-rape, her teen bmother hid her pregnancy from everyone--and is the bravest, gentlest, strongest person I know. I love her, nearly as much as I love the daughter we share. Originally she wanted our adoption to be closed, but my husband and I wrote that our door was always open to her. A month later I received an email from her--the beginning of a very close friendship. I have taken our girl to visit her twice. Our family is, as she says, her "secret family".
Our family is "white". We have 4 biological children. We live in a primarily "white" neighborhood, and most of the kids in her school will be "white". No one in our extended family is anything other than "white". Our daughter is beloved and adored, but stupid comments are made, such as, "What is she?" A human. Our daughter. She is the adored princess in our family. Special. Treasured. Well-meaning people, are stunned by our love for each other. "She loves you so much! Isn't that just so amazing?" I'm only amazed that they are amazed.
Our family didn't adopt to "save" a child. We already had our hands full with four kids ranging from 7-17. Wonderful kids who, for the most part (lol), truly love us. We weren't "missing" anything. Then one day in early Jan 2008 I KNEW a baby was coming. Soon.
A month later we received a phone call that our daughter had been born. Miraculous because only our background check had been completed and we hadn't signed with an agency. (Everything else we did in one week!) Meeting my daughter was like meeting my soul. I feel a connection with her that defies understanding. Unexpectedly, it is beyond that of my biological children. She is not of my blood, but of my very soul.
I cover my anger when people say how "lucky" she is. Lucky? Lucky to have lost her mother? Her grandparents and aunts and uncles who don't know she exists? Her culture? People who look like her?... Yes, she doesn't live in an inner-city on a narrow street where violence is as common as the sun rising. Yes, our house is nicer than the apartment her bfamily lives in. And she has a closet full of clothes--will have a great education--will travel... But nothing, NOTHING makes up for what she has lost. And I grieve for her. Not as much as I laugh with her. But I cry sometimes when she does something extraordinarily cute, because in another city there is the most lovely young woman, who would have made a wonderful mother to her, given safety and a chance--who loves her completely. And I'm the one who is laughing into the dancing eyes of the silliest little girl in the world.
Our family has become involved with refugees, and next year a school in Cambodia will be named after our daughter. We have been warmly welcomed into the Cambodian (I should say Khmer) community close by. We have new Khmer friends across the US and even Cambodia. We have reached out for our daughter, and she has opened our world. We are the "lucky" ones. We are the ones who have been "saved". Our love for her is a glue that has somehow encompassed our whole family. Profoundly. But people don't see that. Instead, they hold us up as "good" and "generous" to adopt. The only thing we have been told we are "lucky" about is that she happens to be so beautiful and sweet tempered. I get so angry! And..I look in the mirror and wish I was brown. Wish I could BE what I am trying to replace, and cannot replace. Wish I could know what it is to not be "white" in a "white" world.
I guess I don't know what I'm asking of you "adoptees". Perhaps advice? A way that I can be the best possible mother to a precious little girl. A child who I don't want to have feel alone, divided between cultures, between one family--and what might have been. And how do I handle the circumstances around her bmother's pregnancy? How do I tell the truth (or do I?)? When she asks about her bfather, what do I say? I have NO idea. Hopefully her bmother can stay in her life and help answer that. But, with the secrets her bmother's life holds it's hard to know if that will be possible as her life moves forward. Her culture, at least for her, makes honesty about what happened to her very hard. (At least I have her emails. Our daughter will forever know she has always been loved by two mothers.)
I know, I'm getting ahead of myself. There is so much joy in a two year-old!! These are topics and concerns for another day. But that day will come, and I want to at least have some idea of how I will answer. Of how I will stay a safe place for my girl to fall.
Thank you for walking paths similar to the one my daughter will walk. Thank you for being willing to share honestly how you feel...and have felt. Especially the pain. Joy is easy to accept for us amothers. It's what we dream of. But it is your hurts that can perhaps lead us to the potential of greater joy for our children.
With Gratitude,
Kajsa
Mom of a 2 year-old. :)
You must be an awesome Mom. Really. You need to print this out for her to see later too. (I'm not kidding)
You obviously know all the downfalls of adoption, and some of the challenges your daughter may face and you are doing all you can to address them. She will be fine, and hopefully she will grow to love both cultures.
I also hope her bmom is able to stick around. As far as the questions about her bdad, that will be a tough one to tackle, and not easy for her to hear. I wish I had any words of wisdom for you.
I just wanted to say I loved your post. There are those adopted into their own race and culture who would love to have parents who understand all you do.
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Thank you, txrnr. Your kind words mean a lot. And I will save my post...and your reply...just in case she needs to be reminded that I'm "awesome" when she's 13. :)
I wish you had been my adoptive mom when I was adopted! I would suggest that you find a network of people who have adopted children of color. Not only will it help give you support, but, it will be good for your daughter to befriend these people, and become apart of eachothers lives so the children will grow up with the support of eachother allso. When she is ready for school, preschool too, be involved at school as much as possible. Be a classroom mom, get involved at pta meetings,volunteer at the school fair. The more involved you are ,the more the parents get to know you, and the easier she whe will be recieved by the children. When you hear remarks that bother you, speek up, tell them exactly what you have said here, "No, we are the lucky ones." When they ask you what she is, tell them. I have more respect for people who at least ask, rather than whisper to their friend in front of me. Choose your battles. Sometimes you have to take a deep breath and let it go. You can't change peoples attitudes and ignorances. Remember, as wonderful a mother as I believe you are, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. You are going to make mistakes, and she is not going to be perfect either. Do the best you can, and when the tough teens come arround, and as an adoptee, maybe a little earlier, Keep loving her, ESPECIALLY when she doesn't want you too. You may want to check out an adoptive mom blogger at "production not reproduction" very nice lady from colorado who adopted two african american girls, who organizes adoption discussions. Good luck to you, o and by the way, as an adoptee who had an abusive adoption, your daughter is very lucky to have you. You are lucky to have eachother. Take care
Sade, thank you! You are very, very insightful and your advice means a lot. I will do just as you've suggested, and become very involved. I hadn't thought about the importance of my involvement at my daughter's school, but you are so right on! And I will continue to love her, no matter what. Have you heard the song "You Owe Me Nothing in Return" by Alanis Morissette? One of my favs. Love doesn't go away in the hard times. That's how you know someone loves you--when you act up and they stay and love you anyway. I promise you that I'll stay right there for my daughter.
I am so sorry for what happened to you. More sorry than I can say. Religions talk about honoring parents and miss the part about honoring their children. I wish you had been mine, too. You would have been safe in my love. Sade, I hope you will give yourself that now. I hope you will mother that little girl still inside yourself that didn't get what she deserved. I hope you will protect her and look over her, and stand as her mama bear advocate--not letting anything hurt her, and expecting only the best for her. I hope you will be to yourself everything you ever hoped for in someone else. Don't ever leave yourself when you act up, either. ;)
While I didn't get lucky enough to be your mom, I'd consider it an honor to call friend a woman so thoughtful and insightful as you.
Thanks Again,
Kajsa
Hello! I am the amother of a delightful, American-born, Cambodian 2 year-old little girl. (Ripples--thank you for your "rant".) I am not looking for fantasy. I'm looking for honesty, so that I can understand my daughter when she begins to ask questions about her life.
My daughter joined our family a week after her birth. She was the result of date-rape, her teen bmother hid her pregnancy from everyone--and is the bravest, gentlest, strongest person I know. I love her, nearly as much as I love the daughter we share. Originally she wanted our adoption to be closed, but my husband and I wrote that our door was always open to her. A month later I received an email from her--the beginning of a very close friendship. I have taken our girl to visit her twice. Our family is, as she says, her "secret family".
Our family is "white". We have 4 biological children. We live in a primarily "white" neighborhood, and most of the kids in her school will be "white". No one in our extended family is anything other than "white". Our daughter is beloved and adored, but stupid comments are made, such as, "What is she?" A human. Our daughter. She is the adored princess in our family. Special. Treasured. Well-meaning people, are stunned by our love for each other. "She loves you so much! Isn't that just so amazing?" I'm only amazed that they are amazed.
Our family didn't adopt to "save" a child. We already had our hands full with four kids ranging from 7-17. Wonderful kids who, for the most part (lol), truly love us. We weren't "missing" anything. Then one day in early Jan 2008 I KNEW a baby was coming. Soon.
A month later we received a phone call that our daughter had been born. Miraculous because only our background check had been completed and we hadn't signed with an agency. (Everything else we did in one week!) Meeting my daughter was like meeting my soul. I feel a connection with her that defies understanding. Unexpectedly, it is beyond that of my biological children. She is not of my blood, but of my very soul.
I cover my anger when people say how "lucky" she is. Lucky? Lucky to have lost her mother? Her grandparents and aunts and uncles who don't know she exists? Her culture? People who look like her?... Yes, she doesn't live in an inner-city on a narrow street where violence is as common as the sun rising. Yes, our house is nicer than the apartment her bfamily lives in. And she has a closet full of clothes--will have a great education--will travel... But nothing, NOTHING makes up for what she has lost. And I grieve for her. Not as much as I laugh with her. But I cry sometimes when she does something extraordinarily cute, because in another city there is the most lovely young woman, who would have made a wonderful mother to her, given safety and a chance--who loves her completely. And I'm the one who is laughing into the dancing eyes of the silliest little girl in the world.
Our family has become involved with refugees, and next year a school in Cambodia will be named after our daughter. We have been warmly welcomed into the Cambodian (I should say Khmer) community close by. We have new Khmer friends across the US and even Cambodia. We have reached out for our daughter, and she has opened our world. We are the "lucky" ones. We are the ones who have been "saved". Our love for her is a glue that has somehow encompassed our whole family. Profoundly. But people don't see that. Instead, they hold us up as "good" and "generous" to adopt. The only thing we have been told we are "lucky" about is that she happens to be so beautiful and sweet tempered. I get so angry! And..I look in the mirror and wish I was brown. Wish I could BE what I am trying to replace, and cannot replace. Wish I could know what it is to not be "white" in a "white" world.
I guess I don't know what I'm asking of you "adoptees". Perhaps advice? A way that I can be the best possible mother to a precious little girl. A child who I don't want to have feel alone, divided between cultures, between one family--and what might have been. And how do I handle the circumstances around her bmother's pregnancy? How do I tell the truth (or do I?)? When she asks about her bfather, what do I say? I have NO idea. Hopefully her bmother can stay in her life and help answer that. But, with the secrets her bmother's life holds it's hard to know if that will be possible as her life moves forward. Her culture, at least for her, makes honesty about what happened to her very hard. (At least I have her emails. Our daughter will forever know she has always been loved by two mothers.)
I know, I'm getting ahead of myself. There is so much joy in a two year-old!! These are topics and concerns for another day. But that day will come, and I want to at least have some idea of how I will answer. Of how I will stay a safe place for my girl to fall.
Thank you for walking paths similar to the one my daughter will walk. Thank you for being willing to share honestly how you feel...and have felt. Especially the pain. Joy is easy to accept for us amothers. It's what we dream of. But it is your hurts that can perhaps lead us to the potential of greater joy for our children.
With Gratitude,
Kajsa
Mom of a 2 year-old. :)
Hi 4mydaughter,
You seem to have a better understanding than most adoptive parents. I was adopted at 1 year old and my aparents didn't tell me until I was 13. My suggestion is to tell her sooner than that. Over the years, I have changed feelings. I was very mad that they waited to tell me, but as I got older I saw the situation from their point of view and I don't have any anger about that anymore.
I think for most adoptees it's a process no matter what the situation is. It is important to know your biological history. Even though I do feel like my adoptive family is my true family, knowing my biological past give me a different kind of belonging. It gives you a sense of belonging to history.
Through her years growing up, what ever she may face with this remember anything can change or happen. I was found in a box at a day old and by some crazy miracle my 2nd cousin found me and put all of the pieces together.
As far as the lucky part. After I found out everything, I didn't feel lucky, but now I do. I haven't had a perfect, easy life, but coming from a box on a bench I'm happy where I ended up. I do feel lucky. I am able to appreciate and love my family more than most I feel, because I know that I started out without one. I appreciate my aparents for adopting me and deidicating their entire life to taking care of me.
Keep the communication lines open. We didn't talk about it at all for years and it was hard on me dealing with it on my own. I felt guilty for wanting to know my past. Do everything you can to make her feel lucky so she can deal with anything.
I had a waitress at a restaurant explain to me that she was tired because her niece had given birth and she was in the hospital with her all night. She went on to say that when her neice was in pain, she said " This hurts too much. I'm going to adopt next time." The waitress looked directly at me and said " I told her not to do that because you never know what your are going to get." I laughed about it because I am confident in who I am, but there are a lot of people who don't undersrtand. You seem like you'll be a great aparent.
Jenny Spiker, co-author of "Someone's Secret"
[url=http://www.spikerbooks.weebly.com]Sean Spiker Books - Home[/url]
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First, I want you to know that I am a 40 yr old adoptee. I am white, blonde haired, blue eyed and was adopted into a white family. The feelings you are describing as being worried for you daughter about. . . specifically, the comment about being "lucky". I may as well had been your beautiful little Cambodian baby because I felt that detachment of culture just being "the adopted child". I always knew that I didn't belong to the family I was placed with. Although similar in many ways, I never felt as though I "fit in". I am currently in my second year of college for social work and have been asked to complete an assignment on my cultural background. Now, other than the fact that my mother who raised me has passed and my adoptive father (who lives with me now) is battling alzheimer's, I've decided to open a huge, challenge for myself. I've decided that I am tired of having to say that I am of German heritage because that is what I have been taught. Why do I have to be forced into being of a certain culture just because I happened to be adopted into that way of life? I think adoption is a culture all in itself. I can't find any information that has been done on it, so I have come to the forums to conduct my own sort of study. Your letter was the very first one I came to. Thank you for helping me to commit fully to defining Adoption as it's own sort of culture. We (adoptees), I believe are a group all in it's own and maybe we do view the world around us differently.
tamethot
I think adoption is a culture all in itself.
Very interesting idea! There may be similarities with the concept of third culture kids [URL="http://www.state.gov/m/dghr/flo/c21995.htm"]Third Culture Kids[/URL]
which apparently started with the book, "According to My Passport, I'm Coming Home".
While the concept of third culture kids mainly relates to kids who've grown up overseas in a culture different from their parents, I think it has some similarities with adoptees.
I look forward to hearing how your research goes, Tamethot!
4Mydaughter,
After reading your post I think you already are the best possible mother you could be. As an adoptee with blonde hair and blue eyes raised by wonderful people with brown hair, brown eyes and a different build, they too got those questions. It's just tacky people putting their foots in their mouths and being a little more than nosy about the circumstances. It's a good "lead in" in their eyes, they can get the scoop in what they feel is casual conversation. Clods if you ask me. My parents got that question and they replied "our daughter" accompanied by a look that said go no further. They also got the questions about my "real" parents, my mom simply said "I am her real mother". That pretty much shut down the nosy rosies right there. You don't owe an explaination unless you want to give one. From what I can tell you seem like a wonderful lady who is very loving. Just enjoy your daughter, the rest will come naturally like it did with your other children. Your desire to be a good mom is evident, and I wish your family all the best.
Kitty
Thanks for the encouragement and the link! I'm having some trouble finding resources on a topic that apparently no one has considered to do studies or research on. =) I did run across this paper that a social work college student wrote though. I found it extremely interesting. I can't believe I am almost 41 yrs old and am just now beginning to understand some of my own feelings. . . and finding that they are natural. [url]http://www.luc.edu/socialwork/praxis/pdfs/vol4_chapter4.pdf[/url]
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I think you bring a lot of thought and care to motherhood. The best advice I can give you is to parent your child and remember that she is a normal person who needs to opportunity to experience adoption on her own. In my experience, adoptees do not feel the pain, discomfort, trauma, etc... that is often the focus of adoption discussions. It's just not that big of a deal to most of us. If your daughter struggles or feels pain, you'll be there for here but please don't try to place it in her lap.
the best things you can do are:
1. Tell the truth. There is nothing worse for a child who has been adopted to find out they have been lied to - it seriously strains their relationship with you and really challenges their sense of trust and attachment (two things they absolutely need). When the truth hurts, you be there for her and you explain to her why the origin of her creation is nowhere near as important as all the years ahead of her when she will accomplish great things.
2. Educate yourself and her on what issues she is likely to face. Keep the doors of communication open and flowing on a daily basis. Do not let her pass one day without knowing that you understand she will face emotional challenges, but that you will support her through those challenges along the way. She will have hard days, and hard relationships at times - and you need to know that will happen and be ready to help her pick up the pieces and start all over again.
You are a great mom and you will be a great support.
--- I totally relate to your feelings of anger at peoples' misconceptions. The way i see it, the soul connection is mightier than blood.
I think it's great that you've opened up the possibilities for your child to stay attuned to her biological culture! One thing that i've "dealt with" (it's really not a big deal, just annoying sometimes) growing up is that other asian people assume that i am as... asian as they are! And it seems to dissapoint them or something to find out that i have no connection (or interest, personally) in Vietnamese culture. Sometimes i get jealous when i hear someone flip between perfect English and another language, but i feel that way about all languages, so i don't think it's realted to me being adopted.
Alternately, i forget sometimes that other people see me as being asian/a minority, and that because of this, they make a bunch of assumptions about me that are totally false [a pharmacist thought i was Chinese, so she sent me to a Chinese-speaking doctor in Chinatown! Luckily he knew enough English for us to get along][kids at my predominantly white school would see any asian lady walking around and ask me why my Mother was there. Those were silly situations!]
All families are different, so there is no reason to try to impose the idea of a "standard" family situation onto yours. My nephew was adopted as well, and even though his parents could have easily kept secrets from him (he looks and acts exactly like his parents! All three of them are left-handed, too!) they've been up-front about his origins from the start, even mixing some broken Russian into their everyday dialect. He's the happiest kid i know, even though he spent the first months of his life in an orphanage, and knows it.
As a person who was *naturally* adopted, i feel that the present is more important than the past. It matters more that my circumstances led me to a great life, than that the circumstances themselves were not ideal.
BASICALLY i'd just suggest staying attuned to your Daughter's personal interests, keep embracing your family's originality, and don't let the outlook of clueless people influence the way you live.
Now i feel like i totally ranted. Sorry about that! Your story is beautiful and i wish you and yours the best!
christina_e
2. Educate yourself and her on what issues she is likely to face. Keep the doors of communication open and flowing on a daily basis. Do not let her pass one day without knowing that you understand she will face emotional challenges, but that you will support her through those challenges along the way. She will have hard days, and hard relationships at times - and you need to know that will happen and be ready to help her pick up the pieces and start all over again.
You are a great mom and you will be a great support.
I wonder about assuming that she will face emotional or relationship problems. I'm a tan child born to white parents, too, and have never felt any sort of issue like this. It's totally true that every person is different and will interpret situations differently, but i think that one thing that greatly influenced my happiness was that my Parents raised me to be proud of my originality. They took a very matter-of-fact stance on all things, and one fact was that i was adopted. Another set of facts was that i was their Daughter, was asian, had three white brothers, and that was OUR FAMILY.
But if my Parents had ever put it into my mind that being adopted could or would result in some kind of emotional baggage, i might have felt...almost an obligation to adhere to the expectation.
But as it is, i don't resonnate with any of the "7 core issues of adoption" and probably never will.
I think that her support of her daughter should come from being her Mother, not....... being the mother of someone who was adopted.
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It sounds like you have awareness. Just be truthful when she is old enough to process the truth. When she starts asking questions answer them in an age appropriate way.
It's better to find out the truth from someone who loves you than to dig it up by yourself. If you keep it from her then it will take on more importance.
If you try to hide it from her it will be one of those secrets that get talked about behind closed doors and kids pick up on that. When she's going through her teenage years it might take on some sort of presence as a motive for her angst if it's buried and you will have it hanging over your relationship with her.
Keep it simple. When she is at the age you start talking about sex you could explain. People get pregnant even when they don't love each other. It's not the baby's fault etc. Talk about the culture and the shame a pregnant mother faces if the man doesn't stay around or forces her.
You don't need to get into gory details. If she is loved she will be able to process this with your guidance. It's not something she has to find out the hard way with all of the emotion from her birthmother.