what does it take to adopt an older child?

You're unlikely to have a BIOchild without some of those behaviors! Children aren't robots. Even the best kids will challenge and test their parents and that includes disobedience, talking back, occasional name calling perhaps...

Honestly, based on your list of things you included as behavior issues, there's not a teenager on the planet that would meet your definition of an acceptable child... and we're not talking just foster kids here... EVERY teen can be angry, defiant, hostile, moody, etc. Even if you adopt a younger child or infant, or have a child, they are going to grow up into a teenager. How much experience do you have working with teenagers? I'd strongly suggest getting as much as you can. Maybe be a CASA, a Big Sister, etc. Once you have more experience with teens, it's easier to determine what you can or can't handle behaviorally speaking.

Thanks for your replies. I'm trying to be honest with myself here, even if it makes me look bad. I was thinking closer to the age range of up to say 8 years. And while I know these are normal things that develop in most kids, it's different if you've been with them all along and have established your relationship as parent so you have the confidence to deal with whatever they later throw at you. The truth is that we don't have much experience with older kids, other than my younger siblings, but when we went through our PRIDE training, I got the sense of being a little guilted into having a preference for younger kids. I would like to be of most help, but I guess honestly, not everyone is cut out for every kind of "good deed". Besides that, adopting shouldn't be about doing a child a "favor" - they don't owe us anything for having blessed us with their presence. I think I know the answer, but I just wanted to put it out there out of curiosity. As an aside, what is the point of noting a child's special needs if it's not going to be accurate?

It is good that you are being honest with yourself. That is what in the end is in the best interests of the kids. You can't be a good parent without being totally honest with yourself and your own limitations. If you adopt a 5 year old, that 5 year old will turn into a teenager that is not perfect. If you give birth to a baby, in 13 years, you'll have an imperfect teenager on your hands. Unless you plan to ship your kids off for someone else to raise as soon as they hit 13, you're going to deal with kids with behavioral issues of some type or another. If parenting a child that is not perfectly behaved bothers you, are you truly cut out to be a parent? What motivates you to want a child in your life? What do you have to offer a child? What do you expect from a child? You don't need to answer these questions for me... just fodder for thought for yourself. It is good that you are not doing a child a favor. The children will not appreciate being adopted. Nor should they. People keep telling me how lucky T is to have been adopted by us. My answer... he's extremely unlucky to have been adopted by us, because the only way for him to have been adopted into our home was for him to have endured 15 years of abuse, mistreatment, neglect, uncertainty, and fear. If I could wave a wand, I would in a heartbeat have him grow up with a loving, happy, healthy biological family. I would have missed out on adopting him, but THAT is what would truly make him a lucky kid.

I can maybe address this part. When you are considering a "special need", remember that is defined as needs are beyond what is typical - ones that average parents maybe could not deal with. One with the need for a parent who has more knowledge, more experience, more support, more money, etc. Now, swearing, backtalk, attitude, etc are so "typical" that those are not going to be noted as special needs. It doesn't mean that normal parents PERMIT that type of behavior, just that most kids exhibit in anyway, at least for a while before the penalties for that behavior are successful in curbing it. And most average parents have to deal with that sort of behavior at some point, and again most are successful. Meaning that typicalness of swearing, backtalk, defiance, etc are not going to be labeled as special needs, because it only takes an ordinary parent to deal with them. Remember that not wanting to deal with a typical behavior does NOT make you a bad parent, or an unprepared parent, or an uneducated parent. And it certainly does not mean you need to abandon your desire to parent. After all, typical parents change diapers. But I don't want to. Doesn't make me unfit to be a parent - just one who shouldn't accept infants or toddlers. Typical parents deal with swearing and defiance. You don't want to. Doesn't make you unfit to be a parent - just one who shouldn't accept children who swear or are defiant. Because of my preference to not change diapers, I have set the parameters for my child search to only children over age 5. But that is a pretty easy parameter to set - potty training and age have an almost perfect correlation. All child placement workers know the age (or approximate age) of the child they're trying to place. It's on the paperwork, and even the child can tell you if you ask. But your search WILL be much more difficult, and perhaps impossible. Child placement workers will not know whether the particular child in question talks back. And there is no particular age or other simple way to exclude children who backtalk from your searching parameters. It's not on any paperwork, the child won't admit to it even if asked, and even the current parents won't know YOUR definition of backtalk, swear words, defiance, etc. You have set yourself an extremely difficult task. I don't know if it's possible or impossible. But based on how typical it is for a child to have the behaviors you don't want, and how typical it is for a child to show their worst behaviors a month or two into a new placement, and how long it typically takes to teach children replacement behaviors for undesireable ones they have learned, I suspect you are searching for something that doesn't exist. I suppose time will tell if that's true or not.

I may be misinterpreting your intentions, peregrinerose, but I don't see how not wanting to jump right into parenting a teenager who comes with an entire history that I was not privvy to would put into question my ability to parent a child all along, and when they get to that difficult stage, continue to parent them. Like I said, I see now that it's a matter of confidence on my part - I feel perfectly confident parenting my foster daughter, who is 1, but would not be able to take on the mother role with her bmom, who is a teenager. Anyway, thanks for listening. Just like with everything under the sun, there are people cut out for certain things and not others.

I don't think that she was questioning your ability to parent per se but to merely point out that no matter how wonderfully a child is raised, when they hit the teen years they are guaranteed to talk back, be defiant, swear under their breath at rules etc My bio son, raised with a wonderful life is now 15 and sometimes I look at him and I don't know who this angry, grouchy, talking back, rude, door slamming kid is. My friends teens are very similar. I am often grateful that I have loved him all these years because a lot of times I sure don't know what happened to my sweet beautiful, kind and loving little boy. BTW - Doesn't mean they get away with it or that we put up with it. It just is. To me it means that I get to keep a lovely iPod, PS and extra cell phone sitting on my desk.....LOL

I wanted to share my experience with you. I worked as a nurse in an adolecent residential treatment facitlity. Most of our kids had behavior issues, legal issues and some psych disorders. But once the children got to know me.. (they ranged age 7-17) and started to trust the adults we saw changes in the behavior. I am not saying that all of them will magically change their behavior overnight, but with patience, understanding and counsling it is possible. Some of them have never learned any coping skills to deal with their anger. My husband and I are currently in the process of adopting one of my "kids" from the facility.. and yes he has behavior issues, but I am faithful that with the proper guidance, love and support we can help him to learn better ways to cope with the anger he has. (He is 14, and has been in Foster care since he was 6 due to abuse and neglect.) be patient with the child.. and know that a little love goes along way. ~Allison _______________________________________________ Impatient parent:grouphug:

I was thinking closer to the age range of up to say 8 years. I have an 8 yo (got him at 6) that gives me major attitide, talks back and is basically a kid with issues. I'm with the poster that said do volunteer work with kids first.

I just wanted to note that I get what the OP said about "growing into" kids. I imagine that it is a bit easier to take a backtalking, smart-arse 15-year-old when you've had 5 or 10 or 15 years to get to know and love him. But jumping into that head-first with no history to draw from seems like it would be more challenging. Add to that any other issues... and I do believe that not everyone is cut out for older child adoption. We adopted a toddler. I would like to adopt an older child at some point, but I think we'll wait until we've lived through that with our son, so we have a bit more experience!