Curious about fostering teens

Welcome! It sounds like you have given this a lot of thought. I think you will do a wonderful job. My heart goes out to all the teens and I'm glad to know there are people like you out there for them. I don't have experience with foster teens, but I want to follow the responses. We are being considered for a sib group of boys - ages 6, 9, and 15. I don't usually consider teens, since we have 4 young kids at home, but we do have experience. We have raised two dds. He sounds like an exceptional teen. I'd love to help him realize his dreams.

Wow, can I become your teen. Sounds great! I raised five children of my own, and we are doing foster care now. First of all you are not too young to do it now. But I understand your reasoning. There are sooo many teens out there that can use your ideas and help with life. I think you guys will do a great job. As far as being a stay at home mom, I would have to say, it would be a lot easier to keep the kids on track. I had to work while I raised my bio children and I wish I could have been that stay at home mom. Some people just cant though, so we do what we can. now I'm retired and a foster mom, trying also to adopt a sibling group of two, ages 10 and 15, both girls. So another words it couldn't have been too bad raising five right? Good luck and get going,. your gonna do great

Thanks for the replies!Well, we're not set up for fosters yet but we may have the chance to get our feet wet with a teen soon. A really awesome family at church has been struggling with their 18 year old daughter; lots of entitlement attitude and bad decision making. They're reaching their limit with the tension at home as she insists on her independence but refuses any responsibilty or accountability. They want to see her move out and get some life experience and grow from it but they're afraid of a flat out "get your own place" approach because she'd most definitely dive straight into the bad company they've been attempting to keep her away from.Upon hearing this, I offered our downstairs room (with grace from our roommates, of course) as an option, with a variable rent structure based on a percentage of her monthly income (with no-less-than and no-more-than amounts). That would allow her to set a concrete budget, be accountable for her own expenses and still be able to afford living on her own even in months where she cuts back on hours to focus on school. She'd be required to hold a part time job and attend community college, would be within 30 minutes of her home and family, and would find herself in friendly but firm adult company (roommates included) who aren't cowed by her "I'm the be-all end-all" attitude that gets her recognition as leader of the pack from her friends. If it happens, I'm anticipating some squirmishes about chores, guests/boyfriends and boundaries but nothing we haven't handled as adults in shared living situations before. Just more immature. :)We'll see if the idea comes to fruition but I'm excited if it does. Her younger sister and brother are in my youth group at church so it's far from having an unknown teen in the house. Still, a chance to stretch myself and learn a bit about the adjustment and challenges a teen brings.

God bless u those last couple years before they age out is critical ! I've enjoyed a few teenage placements but know in my hard i handle the preteens better then the older ones because of my age and have more experience with younger ones as I work in an elmentary school I really admire you though there are so many good teens in the system that need a positive influence :)

I adopted three of my kids who aged out of fc. Two were 12 when placed with us and one was 10. DCFS refused to tpr on the bio of my sibling group. My dd wasn't allowed to keep contact with us when dcfs moved her, but she returned to our lives when she aged out! Yes, kids need a safe base to call home after they age out. Many kids who age out without being adopted return to their bios. In some states, kids over 12 have to agree to be tpr'd and adopted. Good luck to you. Teens are a rough ride! Bio, adopted and foster! :)

I can't see her staying long with your rules. She's 18 and is going to say forget it and will go on her own. MOST kids age 17 are a pita, bc they don't want rules. Once they're 18, they're even more rebellious bc...well, bc they can be. They spread their wings and fly right into a plane! That's the nature of VERY immature "adults".

She opted to not move in with us, knowing the rules. She's still staying with her parents because they're afraid to do rule enforcement for fear she'll leave. Considering I think she still goes to them for pocket money and all other expenses I don't think she'd actually cut her financial line but they don't want to play that game of chicken.

I fostered a teen and fostered an 11 yo who I adopted. One thing to do (I wasn't able) is to have a SAHP or a parent who can work close to home. Mine got out of school at 2:30 and I didn't get home until 7. He had too much time on his hands. Also, if you're fostering, keep him /her close to you. This way, they learn how to feel safe. I'll write more later.

I'm not sure exactly how many "words of wisdom" I can impart, because we have only had one placement. Well, two, but the second one only stayed a bit over a week before he moved - his request, and in the end our's too. Two teen boys in the house the same age equalled each bringing out the worst in the other. He also wasn't thrilled with the rules and expectations we had. The one placement who was here for a bit over half a year was a teen boy. He came from another foster home where he was causing trouble not following rules, "stealing", and wasn't responding to the discipline there. He didn't seem to have any issues other than that, so we said "yes". As always, there was a bit more to it. It wasn't anything major, but deeper issues that needed to be dealt with - some he overcame, some he wasn't willing to let go of in order to stay here. As for the "stealing", it was more along the lines of "not asking". Ex: He would use DH's razor instead of asking for a new one, even though I have several in the closet so that we never run out. Took us a while to figure out the "not asking" thing, as it showed up in different way in several situation. Once we figured that out, it all made a lot more sense. We learned a lot in the process, including that no matter how much we wanted/offered to help him, and could see where he was heading, if he didn't want the help then we were just wasting words/time/energy. I also learned that I NEED my husband and can't handle every situation on my own. :love: Stress can do interesting things to your body. We are currently taking a break from fostering and are not sure if/when we will return. However, we do know that teens are not a group that we are in a situation to deal with right now. I know there are great teens out there, and have processed this fact between the two of us in the time since our placement left, but there are also those who could care less. Nature plays a lot in how a teen acts. This too is something we have processed in the past few months as we look around us at adults (or even ourselves) who went through similar or harder things as kids and reacted differently to it then FS did. You can nurture all you want, but nature is a harder thing to overcome unless they too are willing. I also agree that having a SAHP is a good thing. Without it I can only imagine the situation FS would have gotten into. It also helped when I had to go to doctor's appointments (the boy was so accident prone, it was like having a toddler) or counseling/visitation appointments right after school. It also allowed us to monitor who he was hanging with after school, or if he was actually going to after school activities like he should. Since I took him in the morning and picked him up in the afternoon I also knew he was actually going to school. Since FS has left, he went on to another home, I have not been able to talk to him much. However, I have gotten news (amazing how those skills of mine increased) on how things are going. He has continued to rebel and, in my mind, gone downhill. He curses a lot more, smokes and has gotten into trouble. The foster mom works nights/evenings, so that may be part of it - less supervision after school, but I'm not going to blame her for his actions. This was exactly the sort of thing we were working so hard to keep him from, that we saw coming, but which he was determined to do. We wished that his next place would be somewhere that had what he needed to continue onto becoming the great adult that we knew he could be ... if he was willing. That may still happen, but again at this age they have so much more say in what they want to do or how they want to act than a younger child. As for bio involvement, I would say it depends on the bios. We eventually had biomom pick him up at our house, though she never came in (her choice). Due to some scheduling conflicts, he was unable to visit with relatives who were in the area visiting, so we took a 'vacation' to where they were. (That was sort of a compromise as FS was causing so much trouble trying to change plans we already made to leave town, and make transportation arrangements in order for him to be able to stay and see them. If we had forced him to stick with the plans we had, he would have made the short trip horrible for DH and I.) DH and I stayed somewhere, just the two of us, and FS got to stay overnight with his cousin. It did give us insight into his family background, and help explain some things. Amazing how some of his family I liked, and others ... I could see where trouble had come from. And it wasn't always from the places you would have thought. Now this all took a few months to get comfortable with (didn't even want mom to have our number at first), but once we got to know them we learned what seemed to be okay and what didn't. It was uncomfortable, even after we got to know them, but they were FS's family. That being said, there were points where no contact was actually beneficial so that he had time to work through things before having to deal with the next thing. Again, this depends on what the court and CW says, as well as the child. I have learned that short term time with teens is different than living with them. Yes, it does give you an idea as to whether you actually like teens and can deal with them. What it doesn't provide is the setting where you have to be around it 24/7 for weeks, as the authority figure. Just something to keep in mind. If you are able to do some respite or temporary guardianship, sort of like what you described as a possibility that didn't work out, I would really encourage it. I think it would show you things you may not have thought of, and also clarify others. Something that we did that I wish we hadn't, is to stray from the reason we went into fostering. Keep that goal in mind when they call you for a placement. If the two don't mesh, then I would not (now) feel any hesitation in saying no. There is a reason there are so many different people who foster, we all have different stengths/weaknesses, different abilities. Age - I am only 12 years older than our FS. While he didn't mind people knowing he was our FS, I still introduced myself as his mom, which he also didn't care. However, he viewed DH and I more as older siblings than parents. Made it hard to then play the role of a parent in trying to discipline/apply consequences. Our coordinator at the agency suggested not taking kids older than the age you could reasonably have yourself. Honestly, I guess we could have a 16/17 yo, but not really. That was a great bit of wisdom I wish I had listened too. I would nix the computer idea. Just get one, and put a password on the computer, not just for them to log in. That way you can monitor the usage and time they spend on there. I'm an advicate for starting out stricter and relaxing the rules rather then the other way around. DH is opposite me; we tried it his way and had some difficulties taking away some privileges that were abused. I would greatly encourage getting them involved as boredom = bored kids = them finding things to do which usually leads to trouble. We had told our FS that once he was an adult (his goal changed from RU to independence) he was welcome to come back for holidays, weekends from college, or such. Now that he has left, I'm not sure if he would take us up on that, but we did make it an option. Can't say how that worked as since, well, he hasn't graduated yet. When I first read this post, I was shouting "don't do it" inside my head. Mainly because I was so stressed out I couldn't sleep or eat and hence was feeling horrible. I also was dealing with other issues due to tense muscles. Now looking back, I see that I just wasn't handling the stress like I should have been. As adults it is so easy for us to look back and go "if only I had know ____ it would have been easier" and then try to tell that to kids now. We forget that they sometimes have to learn it for themselves, even at the frustration to the adults around them. I don't want to completely discourage you, because it sounds like you guys will provide a great home. Just know that not all kids will respond to it in the way that you hope. On the other hand, some may respond well and blossom like you wouldn't believe. Good luck.

Wow blueflower, thank you for the thoughtful response! I appreciate your insights. :)