Considering adopting older child - advice needed

I have my own list of questions to ask about a child before accepting placement. I know you're not fully able to adopt him yet, simply because you've not contacted the agency....but many of these questions may help you. I'll pm them to you. I think you are wise to realize he acts differently at school than at home. This is common in many children. In our earlier days previous to adopting older children...I was in your shoes. I taught a young boy in a specialized class and inquired a lot about adopting him. Our family had him for one afternoon over the Christmas vacation. It was a shock, to put it simply. His behaviors were much worse than I ever imagined. He suffered greatly from RAD and was very distructive and unpredictable; yet in class, he was usually well behaved. As time went on, the system failed him greatly and he was unadoptable. (sigh) Still, that experience did set the scene for our family in other ventures. I wish you well. And, should this situation not be one that works out, I suspect you'll gain valuable information to help you decide whether to possibly adopt some other child. Good luck. Sincerely, Linny

Thanks so much for the information! That list is extensive, and it was nice for me to see how much information I already have about this child. I am fortunate to be working with him at his current school since September, however, I also work at the preschool he attended prior to being removed from his home. While I was not at the preschool when he attended, I have been able to regularly talk to his former teacher and speech therapist. He has only had this one foster home for the past year. He was removed for neglect as he was being left with a grandparent who was mentally ill. While I have heard that he is different in the home than at school, I have not heard of any significant behavior issues. I left a message with his foster mother a few minutes ago and hope to hear from her soon to get lots more information. In the meantime, I keep reading and gathering information and trying to learn as much as I can so we can make the best decision. Thanks again.

My situation is very similar. I knew my daughter from school, then my husband met her at a church function. We decided to adopt before reading the records but I had most of my questions answered before. I had some major behaviors/issues that were thing I personally felt I could not handle. animal cruelty/mutilation, fire setting, sexually assaulting other children, attempted murder. This sounds crazy but I have seen very young children who have all of this actions and more. I have since learned that neglect is very damaging. Learn all you can about his prior life and read about the effects of neglect. For me, I spent the first year of our placement totally consumed with bonding with her. Good luck. Your story touches my heart!

READ READ READ Adopting the Hurt Child Adopting the Older Child (Claudia Jewett) When love is not enough (nancy thomas) Not every situation will fit yours in these books but you'll get a good look at the spectrum of issues presented by older children. I am CURRENTLY immersed in bonding with my dd, since she has benn home only 7 months. She is NEVER away from me for more than 3-4 hours INCLUDING during the school day. We started therapy 4 days after she came home on a weekly basis. It's great that you have the heart to make this child a apart of your family. a.com is a great resource of people who will have shared this experience. Welcome!:clap:

Thank you both so much for your responses. I just put a couple of those books on hold at the library and will go and get the other one. Right now I am reading "Our Own-Adopting and Parenting the Older Child".I had a nice talk with the foster mom yesterday. Issues she has seen are:- that he arrived at her home a year ago at 5 not toilet trained (is now fine, but was having accidents for a while)- he has been vomiting prior to scheduled visits with his mother, as well as sometimes holding food in his mouth for long periods of time the night before a scheduled visit, -she feels he still has some difficulty understanding the concept of a family but has come a long way with this, -she feels he has some difficulty with relationship boundaries (extremely close to her son),- he is still learning to understand feelings (has laughed when her son got hurt)-she described him as passive-aggressive but didn't have any real examples of this other than the following-he has lied a few times to get attention (i.e. said foster brother hit him when he didn't)At school, I would consider him socially to be at about a four year old level. He has empathy for others and can be kind and helpful. I have heard him say things about another child not being nice, and he was accurate. He has lied about little things a few times, but it's always easy to tell when he's lying and he quickly confesses. He is very competitive and gets frustrated if he can't do things well. Overall, I would certainly consider him to be a very sweet and engaging little boy. He laughs often and gets excited about the activities we do together. He is proud when he is successful. He gets along with his peers. He supposedly loves babies and gets along well with younger children. Cognitively, at 6 1/2 and in K, he knows many letters and some sounds, can do simple addition of coins, has good motor skills, has mild to moderate articulation difficulties, and his language is delayed. He currently attends a regular K program in the morning with a shared aide, and then goes to a special ed program for the rest of the day with a one to one aide. So, he is getting a lot of attention and support at school, which honestly at this point he doesn't need and which will be reduced soon - another big change for him.I will be the first to admit that I'm just a regular mom - I'm no superwoman! I do not want to get in over my head and hurt this little boy, or cause problems for my two children. Are the things I wrote above red flags for problems? Does the fact that I am agonizing over whether to decide to pursue this or not mean it's probably not right for us? I can't imagine what pulling him from this foster home will do to him as he seems to feel safe there. I know there is no crystal ball, but I don't want to set myself up for a horrible situation. I cannot be with him and only him 24-7. I have two other children who need attention as well. That said, I certainly do have time and love to devote to him, as do my husband and children. Any thoughts would be appreciated! Thank you for your help as we try to make this decision.

Reenie, You are thinking about adoption and have taken several important steps such as talking with the existing foster parents. Also you realize that the 6-year old boy is delayed in several areas. As someone else mentioned you understand this child acts better at school in a public setting and differently in a home setting. Also you realize when this child leaves the current foster home there will be another loss for this young child to deal with. How will all this play out in your home? No one can give you that answer. There will be a big adjustment for this child. There will also be a big adjustment for your existing children, your husband, and yourself. From what you have written I think the most important aspect is that the longer this child is in foster care (and receiving support at school) then the better this child does. This tells me the child is able to grow and learn. Chances are this child will continue to keep learning growing positively in your home too. However just because this child is learning and responding well at this time there is no guarantee that this child will continue improving indefinitely until he is stable and well-functioning. Some aspects of adoption you should consider is what will your family do if this child plateaus at a level that is not easy to deal with. How are you going to respond to this child's needs if there are still significant delays in social, emotional, or mental functioning? These are issues which our family has dealt with for the past 18 months. We adopted an older child - her behaviors are somewhat similar as you have described with this 6 year old boy. Some of her delays and issues are worse that your child and some are better. Thankfully our daughter has made significant progress over the last 18 months. However there is no guarantee that all this progress will continue with our daughter. Dave

He sounds a lot like our 7 year old.:D Another thing to think about: Do you have the support of your family, friends, and community? Will the extended family rally around your other 2 kids while they are adjusting to a new little brother that takes a lot of mom and dad's time? Step in and be there when you can't? Will someone volunteer to take him for a couple hours a week (or every other) so you can focus on your other kids and hubby? I would ask them before you commit. We have very little help and it has been hard. Sometimes I take my baby and go play in the bathroom just to get some alone time with her. They knock but I tell them "I'm in the bathroom honey!":grr: My kids are WONDERFUL! I couldn't have asked for better kids. They are smart, have great personalities, and they love their baby sister sooo much. But, they are also wounded. They are a bottomless pit for attention and they are emotionally several years younger than their real ages. I am worn out, but it is worth the work! I think you are on the right track and asking the right questions. I wish you the best!

Thank you both very much for your replies! There is so much to think about. I am definately going into this thinking that this little guy may have delays his whole life, but certainly hoping that he can continue to make good progress. As a special education professional, I think I have a good sense of what his current abilities are. I think he is pretty bright and definately resilient little boy! I've talked to a couple of the state adoption people. I'm finding it difficult to get information, so we'll see what happens. At least they know he has a family that would love to have him!

Two thoughts: 1. Could you get together with him some outside of school?? Let him come play with your other two kids and see how they interact. See how he responds when he is in your home and you are more of a mother figure than a teacher. Not telling him your thinking of adopting him or anything like that, just inviting him over (babysitting for foster mom) The reason being that many children respond very differently to the parental figures in their life than to the adults outside the home. (Like my DD who is a perfect angel at school!) I am sure you know all that cuz, duh you're a MOM! 2. You asked if this was a wrong decision because you are agonizing over it. Yes and no! If you, in your gut, know that this is wrong for your family but love the idea of taking in an orphan and having him be eternally grateful to you. Then YES this is a BAD idea! If you, in your heart of hearts want to give this child a home and a family no matter what challenges he may bring into your home, then NO agonizing and asking questions does not mean that you should not do it. We have been in there. We met A and P at an aftercare program we ran. They were asking all of the other kids parents to adopt them. SOOOO sad. Heartbreaking even. We were already foster parents so we, pretty quickly, said we would adopt them. BAD idea. They were with us for almost 3 years, the court never did TPR and the boys really did NOT want to be adopted! They were asking everyone to adopt them because they were being told that the current foster mom was having them moved and that they would probably have to be separated. So, what they really wanted was to be together, not be a part of OUR family. I loved those boys with all my heart but they never loved me back. They completely rejected me as a mother. I WISH I WOULD HAVE ASKED MORE QUESTIONS LIKE YOU ARE DOING NOW! We may have still taken them as a foster placement, but would not have spent three agonizing years trying to be their mom and dad! Check out fosterpodcast.com Very accurate portrayal of foster/adoption

I am definitely hoping to have him come spend a lot of time with us before we make a decision. I know foster mom could use a break, and we as a family need to get to know him prior to going forward. So, hopefully that will work out. Initially I was thinking of meeting them at a playground, but now I'm hoping to just have him come over our house.I got the initial paperwork yesterday and spent a long time filling everything out. I'm not ready to mail it yet, though- I still need to think about things. If I didn't have other children this would be a no brainer as I would love to have this little boy as my child. But I'm so afraid of doing something to hurt my kids that I'm not sure what to do. Some days I think I'm definitely going to try to pursue this, and other days I think I'm crazy to even think about it. I can't rush into it, even though I feel like I have to because of the timing of things.Thanks again for your help - I really appreciate it!

One option to help you make your decision would be to meet with a family adoption specialist to evaluate the boy as well as your existing family and home environment to provide guidence. We have this type of professional and she proved to be enormously helpful.

Could you tell me how you found a family adoption specialist? I'm still at the point where the state won't talk to me about this specific child because I'm not licensed to adopt yet and parental rights aren't terminated.

We adopted 8 and 9 yr old sisters six years ago. Here are a few things before you adopt: Read everything you can find about attachment disorders and bonding. There is a really good book about it called The Connected Child Think about how you will feel/respond when your child lies or steals, because it is likely that it will happen a lot. My girls, especially the older one, lie even when there is no reason or thing to be gained from it. The older one steals anything that's now nailed down...even things she doesn't want or would have no use for. The therapist says that neglect can tend to make kids hoarders. Because she can't control her behavior, I cannot leave her alone, even at almost 16 years old. She requires CONSTANT supervision. The younger one likes to dig holes in herself with her fingernails. Any child you adopt will have issues or behaviors that you think you can fix at first, and maybe so, but think about how you will feel if you get a few years down the road and you are still fighting the same things as when you started. The therapist told me you can't love someone out of what they have been through. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't give them back, but sometimes it's very hard to be an adoptive mom.